Benchmates

Whenever I close my eyes, I could still see and feel all of it in great detail. Whenever I close my eyes, I can still see myself wearing the same college uniform I used to wear through my eyelids.

And once again I'm Lisa, just a typical college girl. Almost everyday was the same for me. Eat three meals a day, attend school, go home, watch television or surf the internet, write compositions or read and so on. I sometimes wish for excitement, a different kind of experience.

I'm used to being alone. My sister died when we were still young, she's the closest person I ever had. My parents were never home. I seldom see them; they are always occupied with their work. Of course, I was left to fend for myself.

I'm not also very lucky to have any friends beside my books and pen. Others always tend to cringe away from me. Maybe it's because they don't really like me, or maybe I'm just a real freak in their unlikely eyes. It's obvious that I don't fit in. I just shrugged all that off and just try to satisfy myself with the atmosphere of solitude.

A tear will escape now and then though. Solitude may numb my exterior, but my heart really craves for attention. She craves for someone who will love and care for her. Someone who could make her feel that she deserves to be treasured.

I never thought that it will come so sudden that I barely even managed to blink my eyes. And I never imagined that it will only last for a short while.

---

Everyday after school, I would go for a walk near the sea. There's an old wooden bench there where I love to collect my thoughts or just to unwind and free myself from stress.

For the past ten years of memorizing its wrinkled lines, old contours, and damaged wooden surface, I know it's every detail. My sister and I used to go here and collect seashells or build sandcastles. This bench functioned as our resting place.

And this bench was my one true home. Though my childhood memories are dimmed and blurred, I can remember her face so clearly, she's my dearest sister anyway. This was where we spent our most beautiful moments together. She was always there when I needed a friend, a sister, and even a mother.

On my 17th birthday, something unusual happened.

As usual, my parents were on a business trip and I was left alone to celebrate. They gave me money to spend and buy whatever I like so I bought my favorite flavor of cake and headed to the bench.

The sun was peeking on a little corner made by a mountain and the outline of the glittering ocean. The waves were gentle, a faint music in the background. As usual, the beach was not that crowded, unlike others scattered around the city. Sure, there are people here and there, but the number wouldn't even reach ten.

That day though, there was only me and the seagulls that were present, or at least I thought we were.

I sat on that bench and placed the small cake on my lap. I stared at it for quite a while then let out a heavy sigh. I picked it up to the level of my face, trying to decide whether to eat it here or just take it back home.

"Is this seat occupied?" someone asked me. I almost buried my face on the cake from surprise. I looked up to see a guy, maybe three years older than me, smiling as he asked. He looked hopeful. Normally, I would just shake my head "no"; I'm not used in interactions. But somehow, I managed to answer him directly.

"No, that's empty… you could, er… sit there if you like…"

"Thanks" I shifted my body nervously on my spot, embarrassed to be seen with a little cake with a "happy birthday" decorated on its top.

"Is it your birthday?" he asked me curiously, still smiling. He was now sitting on the left side of the bench, a few inches away from me. Again, instead of just nodding, I answered him.

"Yes"

"Then why are you here? Alone?" he asked, genuinely concerned. I couldn't help but be surprised by his straightforwardness. This guy is so weird, but then I replied.

"My parents were on a business trip, my sister was long gone, and I don't have any friends to celebrate it with…" the sadness in my voice didn't escape my ears, and I doubt that it had escaped his assessment.

Suddenly, he looked down, then side to side, as if looking for something. His eyes zeroed on a beautiful seashell. He picked it up and gave it to me.

"Here, my gift for you… it may be a little to sudden and simple, but I have a feeling you're like this shell…"

It looks tough, yet it really is vulnerable, yes, just like me.

I looked at him in the eyes; they were a pretty blue, like the ocean, and shining like one too. It gave me a sense of thoughtfulness, acceptance, of care. I can almost feel the friendship coming.

"Thank you… you don't know how much this means to me…" I said and handed him a piece of my cake. It was sliced before in the bakery.

"Here, share this with me…"

J

That was the start of our friendship. Or at least I thought it was. He was my first ever friend since I became a distant part of the crowd.

His name is Carlo, 20 years old. He and his family migrated to Chicago when he was still nine. He was studying medicine and it was their summer break there, so he decided to visit here for two months to look for someone.

"Someone?" I asked him once when we were sitting peacefully on the bench. We meet here everyday after we first met, on the same place, same spot, and same time.

"Yeah… I promised her I'll come back… she's my first true love… now, ten years have passed and I can still remember her face clearly… actually you look a lot like her… when I first saw you, I thought she was you…" he looked at me hopefully, as if trying to persuade me to agree.

I shuffled through the murky memories of my childhood. But no matter how hard I try to remember him, I just can't. Maybe I'm just not that girl.

"Sorry… I can't remember anything about promises… or you…" creases formed between his brows in frustration.

"Well… that's okay… I'll still wait and look for her until I have to leave…"

"Sure… do you mind if I wait here with you? I want to support my first ever friend, my benchmate… I jabbed him softly on the ribs and smiled. He just laughed and nodded.

---

The first month passed. During those days, we formed an impenetrable friendship. He always knew when to make me laugh, or to just stay quiet and still, giving both of us a space to think. We both love to read, so if we were not talking, telling stories, or joking, we just sat there and read quietly, all the time listening to the waves crashing on the shore, or the flapping of the bird's wings.

I was really grateful. He's the first person outside my family who didn't cringe away from me. He obviously thinks that I'm not a freak.

Also, during those times I am with him, waiting for that mystery girl, I gradually felt pain slowly building in my chest. Pain for him, because he was suffering from longing for his love, pain from his impending departure, and pain because I love him.

Yes, I love him. Not just because he's my friend, but he was something more. He was now a normal piece of my life, an irreversible and essential existence in my dull world. And because I love him, I feel for him. The pain he feels takes its toll on me, a rebound intensified kind of agony.

It really hurts to see him wait for her, wearing that shining hope, love, and yearning in his eyes – a kind of look he will never wear for me, his benchmate, only a friend.

Then one time I asked him her name. His answer sent chills down my spine, and a stab on my wounded heart.

"Elsa?" I asked him, my heart throbbing, breathing ragged, and my knees giving out.

"Yes, what's wrong? Do you know her?" his words kept echoing on my mind and the memory of that tragic accident came rushing back.

Flashback

"Hey big sis, can we go down the park and pick some roses for grandma?" I asked Elsa, my big sis in a whiney tone.

"Sure… just wait a sec…" she replied, smoothing her skirt and setting her hat on her head. "Let's go…" and she took my little hands on her slightly bigger one.

She was ten then and I was just seven. We just happen to be on a vacation on North Carolina. I never thought that that was the last time I would be able to hold her hand.

We were walking down the sidewalk when the wind blew so fierce and her little hat flew on the middle of the highway.

"Stay here, I'll just go get my hat…" she commanded and I obliged, oblivious to the upcoming tragedy. She ran to catch her hat when I heard a sickening screeching sound. A truck came hastening down the road, right to where she was, all I could do was to gasp and froze right where I was standing as her battered body slammed and flew on the sidewalk.

"Elsa!"

That's the last time I saw her before I was shaken by trauma. I didn't have the chance to attend her funeral service. From then on, my childhood memories became a foggy reflection of my painful loss. The accident was the only clear memory I have. Anything that happened before that, were just fragments of my past. I became the person I am now.

End of flashback

A tear slid down my cheek as I witnessed that accident replaying again.

"Hey! What's wrong?" Carlo asked, worried.

"She won't come back…" I said as I put my hands over my face and sobbed.

"Who?" he asked again, clearly baffled and anxious.

"Elsa…" I answered him, choking on my sister's name.

"Do you know her? How could you say that?" he asked while rubbing my back for support.

"She's my sister…" I stopped, unable to continue. I know that the truth dawn in him because his body became rigid.

"Oh… I see…" he said, agony coloring his deep voice.

Suddenly, my face was now buried on his chest. He wrapped me in his arms, both to comfort me and to keep himself together. I know how much he loves my sister, and I can almost hear his heart breaking knowing that what he will never find what he's been looking for. Now, my heart not only cries for my dear sister, but for this man I love. The pain was doubled because he's also hurting.

I didn't say anything but I felt warm droplets of what I guess were tears dropping on the top of my head.

After a while of holding me, he finally pulled away.

"I guess I have no reason to stay here anymore…" he said as sullenly.

"Stay…" I croaked as I looked at him in the eyes that were looking away, but I know his eyes were red and swollen, as were mine. "I'll be lonely again… you are the first person after that tragedy who was able to warm my cold heart… didn't you say you have two months to stay here? You still have a month left… please… just stay here until you really have to go… I won't hold you back when it comes…" I pleaded, clutching his shirt.

He finally looked at my eyes, and as if he found something there, a reason to stay, he nodded and hugged me again.

For a long time that afternoon, we cried together, recollecting the memories of my beloved sister.

---

After we found out that he's looking for my long lost sister, sadness enveloped every afternoon we had together. He lost the sparkle of those blue eyes. He smiles, laughs, but it's as if those sounds were not from the heart, but from a deep well somewhere in his tear ducts.

Sure, I feel agonized, not only because of the old wound resurrecting made by the accident almost 10 years ago, but also, because of the new wound I acquired, seeing the pain in the eyes of the person I love, but I'm trying my hardest to be cheerful around him, that's the least I could do. I don't want to worry him and add another burden on his shoulders, and I want the last memories I'll make with him to be full of happiness, even fake ones. I want to treasure those moments.

During those days, he did things that confused me.

He formed a habit of caressing my cheeks, kissing the top of my head, forehead, or hands, embracing me gently, holding my hands, or resting his head on my shoulder. He did things that were supposed to be done by lovers, and though I don't want to give meaning to it other that just simple friendly gestures, my heart tells me those were something more.

Every time I see my reflection on those blue eyes, a whirlwind of emotions would always welcome me. But unlike before, I can't read them more and more, as each day passes, as that last day approaches, his blue eyes were slowly clouded with depression.

I was able to have lots of happy memories with him. I really love him. I wish he won't go, but I won't hold him back.

If you love someone so dearly, you would be willing to be in agony in exchange for his welfare and happiness. If letting go is the only way and the only choice, if restraining my unrequited love for him would be the best for both of us, then I'm more than willing to do so.

"I can't promise that on my last week here, I'll be able to come regularly… I have to arrange my flight schedule…" he said a week before his departure.

"Sure… no problem…"

---

He's right; he didn't show up on the bench for two consecutive days before the last day. I felt lonely but I was prepared for it. I promised myself not to cry in front of him so that my cheerful face would be the last memory he'll have of me.

On the last day of his stay here, I groomed myself to make a good lasting impression. As I was shuffling through my closet to find a scarf, an old picture fell face down on the floor. I felt a queasy feeling on the pit of my stomach that I'll both be happy and regret it once I saw what's on the picture.

I picked it up and turned it to face me, to see the picture.

My eyes went wide. It was a picture on my childhood days. A picture of me and a boy who had his pinky intertwined with mine, then the memory came back in a flash.

Flashback

"Carlo, promise me you'll come back…" I sniffled as I held my little pinky finger towards him.

"Sure… I promise… then we'll get married someday…" he promised and intertwined his pinky with mine. Then a click on the camera startled us.

"How cute…" Elsa danced and teased us.

"Who's she?" little Carlo asked as his brows furrowed.

"My big sis…"

"Hey, we've been friends for the whole summer but I still don't know…" he was cut off by a loud call from my mother.

"Elsa!" instead of waiting for my sister to answer, I replied myself.

"Coming mom!" I sniffled again. "Bye Carlo…"

"Bye… I'll comeback for you…" Carlo waved sadly as I ran away from him, from the bench. Another tear slid down on my cheek.

End of flashback

"What? I'm, I'm the one he's looking for?" my heart soared s high that I thought it had reached the clouds. I dashed to the bench with the picture in hand, ready to tell the truth to Carlo. I saw him there with his back facing me. I called his attention even before reaching the bench.

"Carlo! I have to tell you something…" I wasn't able to continue when the man sitting on our bench looked back at me. He's a stranger, not Carlo. He stood up and approached me.

"Miss, are you Lisa?" he asked, I can't help but to eye a white card on his left hand. I nodded.

"I'm his best friend and this is from Carlo… he won't be able to come here…" he handed me the card. It was kind of heavy. Sure enough, it was made from an expensive paper. I looked at the man first, wondering what's written inside. He gestured me to open it, all the time, wearing a sad smile.

Baffled, I flipped the card to see what's written on the front. All the blood was drained from my face, my heart sank to an ocean of tears.

You are invited to witness the union

Of two besotted souls

Carlo and Lea

As they exchange eternal vows on

Wednesday, the seventh of April,

Two thousand and one, at three o'clock in the afternoon,

St Andrew's church

4521 West Lovers Lane

California

I couldn't breathe. But somehow I managed to croak out the words that engraved the deepest cut I have ever received.

"Take me to the wedding… please…" I pleaded, as I clutched the invitation on my chest.

"But I don't know if I should…" the guy hesitated and scratched the back of his neck.

"Please… I just want to see him, even from a distance… I promise I won't do anything silly" this time I grabbed his arm, tears are racing on my cheeks. He looked surprised, but his features softened.

"Okay…"

---

The church was huge and full of people, mostly foreigners, creating a constant buzz of noise in the background. Almost everything was white, all the decorations and ornaments. The smell of lavender created a mist of fragrance. I could have enjoyed the scene, if it weren't for the fact that the groom of this wedding was the person I love.

He was there on the altar, exchanging vows with a beautiful woman I didn't know, while I, his benchmate, his first love, was behind the pillar near the doors of the church. The one who could have been his bride, who could have been the girl he'll spend forever with, who could have been the girl he'll devote himself to.

If only I had known the truth sooner.

I couldn't see his face clearly, not only because of distance, but because my vision was blurred with unshed tears. There are so many things I want to tell him, to share with him.

I dreamt of our future together, but that dream was smashed even before I could touch the first feather of its existence.

I watched silently as they strode down the aisle, each step they took bore a hole on my heart, on my soul. I hid as I stared dejectedly, as the love of my life reached the doors of the church and the shower of rice began. They rode the bridal car as they waved to the crowd a joyous goodbye.

I gazed at the car's retreating figure as it turned smaller and smaller each second as they drove away, knowing the fact that he also took my heart away.

The invitation fell from my hands and a little paper slid out, written in shaky letters were the words,

I'm so sorry – Carlo

That's the last time I saw him, but not the last time I cried because of him.

And surely, not the last time I had loved him.

---

I breathed the scent of the fresh ocean air, I missed this.

I'm Lisa, 25 years old. It's been 8 years since I last came here. The last day of my visit here was disastrous and agonizing, I still cry over it.

The place didn't change. It's still as breath taking as ever, but the bench was gone. Maybe it was removed because it was really old and the surface was damaged. How sad. I would be really happy if I can still sit on my comforting spot.

Gentle tugging on my skirt caught my attention. I looked down only to meet a pair of gorgeous blue eyes glistening with tears, the same eyes that I knew so well.

I was shocked to say the least; the one who's tugging at my skirt was a little girl.

"Miss, do you know where's my momma?" she sniffled and rubbed her eyes, I felt a pinch on my hollow chest to see another pair of those eyes cry. I kneeled down so that our eyes were on the same level.

"I don't know… but I'll help you find her… what's your name?" I asked gently as I tucked a stray hair behind her ear.

"Thank you miss, I'm Lisa…" then she took my hand on her little ones.

"What a coincidence, my name is also Lisa… Now, now… don't cry… I'll help you… come on…" she stopped crying. I smiled as I tugged her little hands.

We walked hand in hand, trudging on the dry sand.

Some time passed and little Lisa stopped walking and yanked my hand.

"Miss… I'm tired…" she whined. I was about to picked her up and just carry her on my arms when I heard a faint call of my name.

"Lisa! There you are!" a pretty lady came running to us and hugged little Lisa. "We've been looking all over for you!" a look of relief was plastered on her beautiful face, she looks so familiar…

'The pretty lady helped me momma…" she pointed towards my direction and smiled broadly. So she's her mom, no wonder little Lisa is so cute.

"Thank you so much… I'm Lea, her mom…" she smiled and shoo my hand. I think I've heard that name somewhere before.

"You're very welcome… I'm Lisa… I have the same name as that cute little one…" I returned the smile.

"Lea… Lisa! I'm glad you're fine!" a male voice rejoiced coming from my back. I know that voice though I'm not that sure. It was deepened and more matured now.

"Carlo…" Lea said and I froze.

"Daddy!" little Lisa ran to him and I froze even more if that was possible. I didn't turn to face him. I don't know how. Should I run? My feet wouldn't budge.

"Where were you? We were so worried…" he asked little Lisa. Lea was looking at me with curious expression, maybe I looked like I've seen a ghost.

"Pretty miss helped me…"

"Yes honey, she's Lisa, they have the same name… what a coincidence…" Lea smiled and took my hands to turn and face me to her husband and daughter.

I saw two pairs of blue eyes. One was that of a little girl I helped earlier, and the other was that of a guy whom I love still.

Shocked crossed his face, then his eyes turned sad, but he smiled faintly.

"Lisa… it's been a while…" little Lisa and Lea looked back and forth between me and Carlo, clearly confused.

"Yeah…" was all I managed to say.

---

"How are you? What have you been doing these days?" his voice echoed through the depths of my long buried feelings.

I stared at him, with a face smooth of any emotion.

We were still on the beach, sitting on the sand and watching as the waves marked the shore. Lea and little Lisa have gone home because Carlo asked them if he could talk with me after all these years of not being able to. They just smiled and complied but I'll never forget the look Lea had. She looked at me with those pleading eyes, as if pleading me not to take his husband away, and a sad smile, as if knowing what I've been through.

Carlo was no different. He had that same smile and a look of regret in his yes. He looks more matured; toughen by the challenges in life that he might have been through. He looks so wise with that faint crease between his brows. His features are now angular. The Carlo I knew before could only be seen in his blue eyes and warm smile. Both Carlo's from before and at present looks different yet still utterly the same.

"Hey…" he took me out of my reverie and jabbed me softly. I blinked a few times to regain my thoughts and he chuckled.

"Sorry I spaced out… what was that again?"

"I asked how you are…"

"Oh…" it took me a long time to answer. "I guess I'm fine…" I answered honestly. Yes I'm fine. Before, I'm scared to see him gain, but now, I think I'm ready to take back what I lost.

It's now or never.

"I see…" he replied and looked at the setting sun.

"I'm now working as a columnist on a teen magazine, and trying my hands on novel writing…" I continued.

"Wow… good for you… well now, I'm working as a resident surgeon on a hospital in Chicago… we're on a vacation…"

"You really love vacation…" I trailed off.

"Yes, and because of that… I met you…" we are now conversing, yet we're not looking at each other, instead, we busy our eyes with the beauty of the place.

"Yeah… I remember when we first met… I thought you were so weird…" I laughed, reliving the memories. He laughed out loud too, and I registered that beautiful sound on my heart and mind.

"I felt a strange kind of attachment to you then… that's why I thought that you were my first love…" I looked at him and he wore that sad smile again.

"I am your first love…" I blurted out. I decided that it was best to tell him the truth than forever hide it from him. That would be agonizing not only for him but also for me.

His eyes widened in surprise and looked right back at me with a dumbfounded look.

"What are you saying all of a sudden?" he asked, clearly confused. I flashed him the same smile he wore.

"The last time we saw each other when we were still kids, before you migrated to Chicago, you pinky promised that you'll come back for me… and that we'll be married someday… when you were about to ask my name… mom called Elsa and I was the one who answered… and maybe you were under the wrong impression that my name was Elsa…" I explained, his mouth formed an o shape.

"But you said you don't remember anything about me…"

"Yes… that's true… it appears to be hat because I was traumatized by the accident, the memories blurred and dimmed… it was some kind of defense mechanism my brained had formed to neglect painful memories… yet the memory of the accident was very clear…" I said and took my wallet out where our old picture was kept.

"Here…" I gave him the picture. He stared at it for a long time, as if processing all the details I said.

"Why did this have to happen?" he asked suddenly, his voice cracking. I didn't reply. I know exactly how he feels.

"When we met three years ago… I was on a vacation here where my wedding will take its place… and decided to search for my true love… to be with her and someday make her my wife… Lea was my fiancé then; I told her that I'll look for you… she let me go, and said that she'll be waiting there… everything was prepared for the wedding… it was only I who was not prepared…" he breathed in before continuing. I was on the verge of tears.

"Then we became friends… I thought you were my first love then… but you said you can't remember… then one day you said that my first love was your sister who passed away… my world crashed right then and there… and I decided to just go back immediately to take my mind off of things and call Lea to resume the wedding… but then you clung to me, asking me to stay until I really have to go back… I don't know what got into me but it seems that I also can't afford to go away just yet… I was really in pain then… knowing that the girl I loved for so many years was already gone… but somehow you healed the wound so fast that I didn't realize at first that I already fell in love with you… maybe even then… even before I got the chance t know it was really you, my subconscious was telling me that what I'm looking for was you… that you were really my first love…" he stopped shortly and looked at me, his eyes shimmering with tears, as I was in the mirror of his eyes.

"But then I realized that I was not being fair to Lea… of course I wasn't being fair to her ever since I decided to look for my first love and left her… but it would be so cruel if I'll leave her for another woman other than the one she approved of… so I called her a week before the wedding to tell her that I'll be there… on the last three days of my stay here, I came back to her… I chose her… and then, I sent you an invitation, hoping to see you before finally letting you go, and at the same time, afraid, because I know if you did come, all my resolve would vanish and I'll never be able to let you go… wishing that the girl beside me, whom I am exchanging vows with was you…" he sniffed and took my hand to rest it over his cheek.

"I was there… on your wedding…" I replied, my voice hoarse. "I watched you go and flap your wings away from me… I saw all my dreams I have for us be broken into two as the other half found its place on another future with somebody else…" my hand was soaked with his tears.

"But no matter how painful or how it kills me to, I did never regret the day I was tied on a promise with you…" the almost healed wound was throbbing, as if someone was poking it with a knife.

He crashed my body on his and hugged me tightly.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I didn't know… if I did… maybe… maybe right now you were my wife, my other half… maybe you and I didn't have to go through so many painful years apart…" he whispered as we both sobbed.

"Maybe… maybe we were just meant to love each other… but weren't so lucky to be destined to stay together… maybe it's better this way… you have two beautiful girls in your life… they should be your life now… the one's you couldn't leave without…" I admitted, thought I couldn't breathe on each words.

"Yes… maybe you're right… I love them… really love them…" he said and straightened himself, stood up and helped me stand, creating a distance between us, a distance I know that was meant to last. I straightened myself too and wiped the tears away.

"Carlo… let me say this for the first and last time…" I smiled, a twisted one, he just stared at me with those sad blue eyes.

"I love you… so much…" new tears slid down my cheeks and he wiped them away.

"I loved you too… but goodbye… this time it's really a farewell… but I hope I could still be your friend… your benchmate…" he said and grinned.

I laughed, all the pent up feelings scattered and mixed.

"Yeah… of course… and thank you for giving it back to me… now I know I can completely move on…" he looked at me with a confused expression.

"My heart… by saying goodbye you gave my heart back…" this time, I really smiled widely, hoping to erase the pain away that was mixed with gratefulness, friendship, and love, but of course I couldn't do that, maybe someday.

"Yes… and find yourself a great man, because you are a wonderful lady… invite me on your wedding okay?" I smiled.

"Of course, but that's still a long way to go…"

"Just keep in touch okay?"

"Sure…"

"Then I guess, we should part now… the sun had set and the night has come…"

"Yeah…" he hugged me again.

"Take care… and say hi to Lea and Lisa for me…" I said and pulled away.

"Oh right… I forgot to tell you… Lisa was named after you… I asked Lea if I could give our baby your name and she agreed…"

"She's a cute little girl and Lea is a great woman… take care of them…"

"Of course…"

"See you…" he said as he walked away and turned his back on me.

"See you!" I shouted and waved. He looked back and flashed me his signature smile, and continued walking.

I also turned and walked on the opposite direction, not only in its literal meaning, but also, the path we chose to take apart.

I smiled. I finally acquired what I lost and finally said what I should. This parting didn't hurt tat much as the goodbyes we had before. Maybe because this time, we knew that it's not really meant to be him and me, and that we should look forward, apart from each other's past, hearts, and thoughts.

The pain was still there but I know it would vanish soon. The path where I'm walking now may be dull and void, but I know somewhere out there, there's someone who was meant to replace Carlo in my heart, someone who's destined to be with me until I take my last breath or whenever the unending circle of life stops.

The future holds many surprises and opportunities for someone as lonely as my heart, and now, renewed and refreshed with gloomy but grateful tears, I can truly say I'm ready.

I'm now ready to let go, move on, and once again, let my heart wander to find the happiness I'm longing for.

The End