Chapter Thirty-Three: Into the Shadows of the Past

Alice:

Sitting across from my father-in-law, a bright green liquid steamed in a black teacup. Pressing my lips into a thin line, the smell caused my breakfast to churn violently. His black dress shirt clung to his muscles, the top two buttons resting undone. For some reason those two buttons bothered me royally, my fingers drummed my lap. Passing me the cup of liquid, my breakfast threatened to come up. Downing the liquid, my throat fought the bitter rancid taste. My vision blurred, a fever burning my cheeks. My black lace blouse felt too hot, the leather pencil skirt sticking to my legs. When the hell did it get so hot in here! Fanning my face, the warm breeze of Hell not helping me at all. Sinking further into my chair, my vision blurred.

"You are going to sleep and I am going into your head." He informed me calmly, downing his own cup. "This is gonna be a bit of a trip. The whole point of this is to find your true point of anger. You will always lose if you can't control your emotions in a battle." His words faded in and out, sweet slumber taking me into her dreamland.

The oppressive blackness of my mind caved in on me, Jermos resting on a red velvet throne. Resting his head on his hands, a wicked grin danced across his lips. Narrowing my eyes in his direction, his behavior in my mind sickened me. A growl rumbled in my throat, my claws growing from my fingernails. This was my mind after all, Jermos proved to be an annoying guest.

"Is this how you treat everyone's mind space!" I barked hotly, my claws digging into my palms. "This is just disrespectful. Who the hell are you really?" Maniacal laughter erupted from his lips, a crazed look taking over his serene eyes. Leaning forward, he waved his left hand around. Snapping his fingers, the space shrank to the top of my head. Feeling small, my hands slid down to my bump. Rubbing the surface of my round bump, a couple of kicks shocked me back to reality. Clearing his throat, his annoyed look paralyzed me with pure terror.

"You don't get it, do you! I am the master of dreams, so this is a piece of cake for me. My son has these powers as well, thus is the reason he could erase all those memories. Renkin can create any weapon he wants, but the magic chain he carries belonged to his dead mother. Let's dig into the ground until we find the roots of your uncontrollable emotions. Shall we begin?" He snapped irritably, rubbing his forehead. "I would like you to win your battles. You are a brilliant strategist, smart enough to save us from your father. Strength isn't in brutality but a healthy marriage of strategy and adaptability. The strongest demons in our realm don't even measure up to your strength and would still beat you. Fury clouds our brain." Turning my back to him, the overwhelming feeling of tininess haunted me. The way he was talking made me sound like there was no hope for me, perhaps this was just another person to disappoint. Tears welled up in my eyes, every single bad word said to me haunting my mind.

"You don't get it! I am just a broken doll!" I screamed brokenly, falling to my knees. "I am not strong. I am just going to disappoint you. I am a mon-" Clutching me close to his chest, the scene shifted to when I was four years old. Spinning me around, his strong hands forced me to watch. My four year old self sat in the middle of my filthy home, her drunken father swaying over her. His matted hair covered his face, his fists raised. Her wavy copper hair hung in snarls, my mother shooting heroin in the kitchen. Tears flooded from my eyes, his fist smashing into her tiny body. Cries of pain exploded from her lips, blood pouring from her nose. Every nerve in my body begged for me to stop him, but a memory couldn't be stopped.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Her tiny voice begged, her hands balling up into a fist. "You're going to kill me. Who would cook and clean then?" His fist hovered in the air, a snarl curling on Jermos' lips. The numb expression on my face really proved how used I was to the way they treated me my whole life. His fist fell to his side, his body collapsing in the armchair. Struggling to her feet, horror twisted my face at the bruises and cuts covering her face. Pressing her hand to the window, snowflakes fluttered outside.

"The snow is so beautiful." She whispered to herself, her bloody hand print staining the window. "It is so pure." Another hand popped up on the window, a four year old Sy peeking in. Jumping back a few feet, his short black hair hanging over his red eyes. Pressing his palm to hers, confusion dawned on her face.

"You are as pure as the snow yourself." He comforted her warmly, his black lips curling into a kind smile. "I can take you away now if you wish. My home is warm and inviting. Come with me and I can show you what true happiness is." Her copper eyes welled up with tears, her head shaking. Biting her lips, hurt dimmed her eyes.The desire burned in her eyes to leave, her golden heart keeping her in her cage.

"I can't." She admitted shyly, turning back towards her parents. "Someone has to keep them alive. I will be fine. I usually am. I have to clean up the house now. Come again when it is cleaned up and we can play. I think I know you." Her mother called her to make some dinner, her tiny feet bounding back towards her mother. Jermos shook his head, my heart fluttering at the sight of the younger Sy. Has he always been so handsome? How come I had forgotten that memory?

"That's not it." He whined softly to himself, flicking through all of my memories. "You're hiding the true ones that make you mad. So where are they buried?" A red door appeared in the glittering winter scene, the door swinging open. Dragging me to it, my head bowed in shame. This was where my worst memories were, my head shaking. Stiffening in protest, his strength couldn't even move me.

"Not those." I begged desperately, the heel of his dress shoe kicking me through. The scene shifted to the local brick bar of the area, my seven year old self wandering towards it. The ragged coat barely covered her, the snow falling hard. Her clean hair had been spun into a simple side bun, her drunken father resting on the front step of Oyster's and Co. The sullen bartender tapped his foot behind him, his slicked back white hair shimmering in the light. Holding up a wad of cash, the bartender snatched the money from her slender hands. My heart shattered for her, it was all of her earnings for half a year. Biting my lips, this memory broke my glass heart. The fragile glass rained to my feet, his old man picking up a piece.

"Come on dad." She groaned tiredly, helping him up. "Mom nearly overdosed again. The social worker stopped by but luckily everything looked peachy. We passed again." Holding him up, their boots crunched through the snow. Stopping halfway, his fists smashed into her nose. Blood poured from her nose, his other fist slamming into her stomach. Doubling over in pain, red dotted the snow, her father kicking her in the stomach. Hitting her over and over again, he stumbled towards home. Her bruised hand reached forward, a broken wail exploding from her lips. Struggling to her feet, a gunshot shattered the night. Her father waved a black pistol in her direction, his aim still sharp in this condition. Sprinting into the trees, bullets whizzed by her face.

"I am going to hunt you down, my little button." He taunted cruelly, loading up more bullets. "I am sick of having to pay for you. You are just a burden. Come out, come out wherever you are? I just paid you!" Another bullet shattered the still night, the bartender tripping into the woods. Her body trembled behind the thickest tree, his body crashing to my feet. The wad of cash rested in his quaking hands, red dying the snow beneath him. Nausea wracked me, the sight of the dying man bringing back up a batch of fury and sadness. Watching the bartender press the bloody wad of cash into her palm, she attempted to save him. Claws grew from Jermos' fingers, the fabric tearing with each dig. Clearly, he was doing much worse than me. Perhaps all of the years of trauma had conditioned me to just roll with it, my hands crossing.

"You didn't have to come and save me." She sobbed violently, searching for the bullet hole. "I can save you." Smiling gently, his body grew limp. Her quivering fingers felt for a pulse, the tortured look on her face telling the sad tale. The snow crunched in front of her, the cold muzzle of the gun digging into her forehead. Clammy sweat drenched my skin, her skin glistening with sweat as well. My father-in-law didn't know what to say, the fear widening all of our eyes. A flash of black knocked me to the ground, Sy taking the bullet in his arm. My father charged at him, the bullet resting in his teeth. His silky hair fluttered in the icy gust, his fingers snatching the gun from my father. Crumbling it in his palm, the heel of his boot slamming into his chest. Smiling warmly to myself, Sy really had rescued me all of my life. God damn it! I loved him with all of my heart.

"I suggest you leave now, or die by my hands." He ordered venomously, his red eyes growing brighter, my father running off. "Are you okay?" The seven year old version of him stole my breath away, his black winter coat looking so warm. His finger lifted up my chin, the other one wiping away her tears. Taking off his winter coat, a simple white dress shirt hugged his slender body. Helping her put it on, a confused look dawned on her face. Such kindness had always been foreign to her up to that point, fresh tears flooding from her eyes.

"I saw you when I was four, who are you?" She stammered awkwardly, seven year old Sy clutching her close to his chest. "Thank you for saving me, but I have to go back now." Shoving him to the ground, fresh tears of mixed emotions flooded from her eyes. Sprinting home, Jermos paused the scene. Turning toward me, a broken expression contorted his face. Oh crap! My past broke him, my reaction throwing him off.

"You witnessed a murder." He uttered in disbelief, shaking his head. "I think that I have seen too much. No wonder you are angry." Bowing my head in shame, he hadn't seen my worst memory. Cupping his hand, the scene fast forwarded to when I was thirteen. My long hair cascaded down my back, layers of bruises and cuts lining my skin. The hot summer sun beat down on her, a numb look haunting her face.

"It gets worse." I answered in a defeated tone, a lump forming in my throat. "This day always pisses me off. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. Just watch and you will understand why I am like I am." Turning back to her, her white lace summer dress danced in the breeze. Several blonde girls ran up to her, menacing grins on their lips. All of them pushed and shoved her around, silver blades spinning in their palms. Stabbing her repeatedly, it took everything for me not to help her out. Falling to her knees, her own blood pooled around her.

"You are such a loser." They all chanted gleefully, skipping around her. "No one loves you. Your father is a drunk, your mother a drug addict. You should just die already!" Choking on her blood, their feet kicked her repeatedly. Grabbing one of their ankles, she yanked it back. A loud thud echoed around her, her left foot slamming into their jaws. Falling back on the ground, a crowd began to gather. Blue and red lights blinded the crowd, the officer dragging her off. Slamming her into the back of the car, blood poured from her shallow wounds. Saying nothing, the police station loomed above me. Chaining me to the cold metal table, the wrinkled face of the male officer became clearer. Ignoring the cuts and bruises, the cup of water shook with every palm slam on the table. His snug uniform hugged his chubby body, not one gray hair out of place. Bowing her head in shame, a crazed look twisted the officer's face the moment defiance glittered in her eyes.

"Why were you beating up my granddaughter?" He demanded hotly, the ethics code clearly not in place for me. "I ought to put you in jail." Way past her limit, she stood to her feet. Knocking the cup of water to the floor, her shaky voice echoed in the concrete room. My heart shattered for her, the whole situation setting off the rage boiling inside of me. Jermos held me back, a broken smile helping my muscles relax.

"They stabbed me first!" She protested desperately, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks. "Ask your fucking granddaughter why they all had a knife. Let me go. This is highly illegal, and you know it. Let me go now!" Shaking his head, my mother burst into the room. Looking more put together than usual, another officer freed me from my cuffs. Waiting outside the room, my mother's raised voice thundered louder than the background noise. Every officer stared at me, odd looks in their eyes. A lump formed in my throat, my mother grabbing my wrist. Dragging me to the car, her arms wrapped around me in a rare hug. My heart skipped a beat with her, the rare moment of warmth like a pearl in the oyster.

"Are you okay?" She queried warmly, examining my wounds. "I am so sorry that I am a mess." The moment didn't last, her shaking hands jamming a needle into her arms. Injecting the devil into her arms, my thirteen year old self's face fell. The engine roared to life, it had all been an act in front of the cops. My heart died with her that day, no hope left in our eyes. The scene melted to the blackness of my mind, his expression unreadable.

"I don't know how to make you feel better from that." He stuttered anxiously, embracing me more for him. Teardrops soaked the top of my head, a sense of peace washing over me. A fit of laughter burst from my lips, his eyes watching me curiously. Dancing around, my mind space lightened to the winter scene from the first memory. My reaction was the opposite, the strange sensation of peace washing over me. My past was just that, and now I have a real family. Smiling warmly in his direction, his expression remained the same. How could I get him to see the situation through my eyes?

"Thank you." I gushed happily, feeling true freedom for the first time. "I realized that Sy has always been there for me. This is the best I have felt in a long time. You showed me that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You are the best father-in-law ever." The truth is that I wasn't lying, sure darkness shadowed my past but I had survived it all. Tears of joy flooded from his eyes, his hands clapping.

Jerking awake, tears soaked my face. Clutching me close to his chest, a foreign sensation of comfort heating up my soul. His tortured face told me the trauma he had seen, Sy clearing his throat. Launching into his arms, surprise rounded his eyes. Kissing the top of my head, my mind wondering if he knew.

"Thank you for saving me when I was seven." I blurted out awkwardly, a gentle smile growing on his lips. "And the coat. You kept me warm for a few years. I never threw it out. Thank you for protecting me, and always being one step behind me. I wouldn't be here because of you." Cupping my face with his hands, his head cocked to the right.

"You were always my true love, and even though it took you longer to realize it I am glad you did." He crooned lovingly, kissing my lips sensually. "I am so glad you now remember those moments. You really should have just left with me when you were four. Do you know how much you broke my poor little heart?" Renkin cleared his throat, a wooden sword resting in his hands. Excitement twinkled in his eyes, the burst of energy I had coursing through me. Squirming out Sy's arms, my fingers snapped. Black leggings hugged my legs, the slight bump emphasized by the thick band. A crop top sweatshirt floated off of my breasts, scarlet lace peeking out. Without saying a word, he gave me my ten minute head start. Today was going to be the day I win, determination burning in my eyes. My future was brighter than my past, the shadow of my past loosening its grip on me. Hopefully one day the poisonous shadow would fade away to a big pile of nothing, allowing the light of happiness to bathe me. Time does heal all wounds after all.