COLD ACHING FEELINGS OF THE WARM HEART
"Do I look good?" I asked Daniyal whilst clasping a cute pearl
necklace around my neck. I ran my fingers carefully through
my hair. Thankfully they didn't look wild today.
"Enough, there's no need to dress up for him." I heard his
annoyed tone.
"You're the one who suggested to wear a nice dress." I
muttered confused.
"Yeah. Otherwise, you were going to profess your feelings in
your PJ's." he scoffed.
"No, I was going to wear to wear my denim tee." I smiled.
He shook his head.
I walked over to the bed and clasped the nude heels around
my ankles.
"I can't believe that I am doing this." I laughed.
"I know right. I suggested it earlier but now that I think about
it this feels stupid. Like isn't this a man's job?" he chuckled
deeply.
"Trust you to do the most outrageous of the things, Romi."
We laughed for a while.
"But there's nothing wrong or embarrassing about it." I
muttered quietly.
"Yeah, everything's fair in love."
I stilled hearing the word love.
I was scared.
I think he sensed my fear so he got up and placed his hands on
my shoulders.
"Relax."
I laughed nervously and nodded.
"I need to talk to you daddy." I yelled once I entered the living
room.
"Keep it down, sis." Hamza muttered annoyed. He was sitting
on the floor with various documents sprawled on the table.
Working at dad's company had kept him occupied. I walked
up to him and I heard someone cough loudly. I turned around
to see Irfan. Hamza's friend. He looked baffled. He raked his
eyes up and down my form. His gaze was appreciative not
sinful. Still, I narrowed my eyes at him. He quickly looked
away.
"Hey." I smiled at him when Hamza glanced at the both of us.
"What brings you here?"
"Hamza. I work with him." He replied whilst looking down.
I raised my eyebrow at Hamza.
"When together we create a good team. I asked daddy if I
could make him my partner, he agreed wholeheartedly. Irfan's
dad has agreed to merge the firms together." he replied and
focused back on his papers.
"Congrats. This calls for a celebration, I guess." I chirped.
"Are you celebrating now? What's up with you getting all
decked up?" Hamza asked me, his eyes still focused on his
papers.
"I... Nothing much." I shook my head and began to walk away.
"Have lunch with us." Irfan stopped me.
"I have plans. Next time, maybe." I smiled politely at him.
"Daddy." I yelled again and walked to his bedroom. I could
hear them talking.
"Romi's all grown up. She has found a fine boy for herself."
Mama chuckled.
"She didn't find a guy, Nafeesa. She is in love."
"Yeah."
"Daddy." I knocked on their door.
"Come in."
I walked in. Daddy was sitting comfortably on his chair and
Mama was combing her hair.
"I needed an advice."
Me and him looked at Mama expectantly.
"I understand." she laughed and walked out.
"Daddy." I sat near his feet and took his hand in mine.
"How do you do it?"
"What?" he smiled.
"How did you tell Mama about your feelings?"
He chuckled deeply.
"I didn't. It was an arranged marriage, I told you."
"So, no feelings involved?" I frowned.
"Of course, involved just a little late. I didn't make the first
move. She did. You take after her, Romi." he smiled as if
cherishing an old memory.
"Really?"
He nodded.
"What did she do?"
"Nothing. Just came up to me one day while I was gardening.
She smiled and handed me a rose; said I love you and walked
away." he chuckled.
"Just like that?" I shot him a baffled look.
"Yeah, just like that."
"So, should I do the same?"
"No, for a change carry a bouquet of roses and tell him
everything about your feelings. I begged Nafeesa to elaborate
more on her feelings but, she told me she was the mature one
in our marriage." he laughed wholeheartedly.
"Alright, thanks." I got up excitedly and stumbled because of
my heels.
Which flowers should I choose?
I was selecting flowers for him. And, I was confused.
According to the popular belief, rose was the flower of love.
But I didn't want them. I wanted something different.
"Excuse me." I called out to the elderly shopkeeper.
"Yes, my child."
"I wanted to give a bouquet to a very special someone."
I giggled lightly.
"Actually, I want to profess my feelings to someone. Which
flowers should I choose?"
He smiled.
"Lilacs." he picked them up.
"They represent first love." he walked around.
"Pink Lillies." he plucked some pick Lillies and wrapped them
in his hand.
"They represent feminine love."
I looked around.
"And, finally...."
My gaze stopped on my right.
"Blue daisies." I interjected.
I picked up some blue Daisies and walked towards him.
"They represent Happiness, my child." he smiled.
"You make me happy, Romi." his voice rang in my ears and I
grinned like an idiot.
"Happiness. Blue Daisies it is then." I handed him.
There are some moments in your life that leave you speechless
and tensed. Thankfully I hadn't gone through such an
experience. I was always confident about everything. Till date
there was nothing that made me nervous or tensed. But today
as I stood outside the door of the ward, I couldn't breathe
properly. Till I arrived at the hospital I was very excited about
this but now I felt really nervous. I couldn't bring myself to
talk. I took a deep breath and raised my hand to open the door
for the umpteenth time but quickly retreated it back.
"Romi."
I heard a familiar voice.
"How are you doing? Why do you look so tensed?" she kept
her hand on my shoulder.
I sighed. She raked her eyes up and down my form.
"Going on a date?" she smiled.
"No." I pushed her out of the way and sat down on one of the
benches.
"What's wrong?" she sat with me.
"I..." I laughed nervously.
"IamheretoconfessmyfeelingstoAzaan." I blurted out very
rabidly.
"What? Say that again." she chuckled.
"I am here to confess my feelings to Azaan." I looked down.
"I knew this day would come." she hugged me.
"What's wrong?" she pulled back.
"I am scared." I smiled.
"Whatever for? You can't back out now. But, why are you
doing this? This is his job."
"George, relax."
"I am not sure of his feelings, yet. Maybe he doesn't feel the
same way for me or maybe he does and is holding back
because he's sick. Maybe he wants to wait for the right time.
Which is why I am taking this matter in my hands."
"So, you could wait too."
"I don't want to. I can't." I laughed.
"Okay, whatever makes you happy." she shrugged.
"I have gone crazy, George. I haven't felt like this ever before. I
am so happy, excited but nervous as hell." I turned to her.
"It's supposed to feel like that, Romi." she smiled.
"Do you think he feels the same?" I whispered.
"Have you seen him when he's with you? The way he smiles at
you. The way he calls you sweetheart. The way he looks at you
is enough to understand his true feelings, Romi." she held my
hand.
"Yeah." I nodded.
"Now, go."
"Okay." I got up.
I pushed the door open. There he was. Sleeping peacefully.
Looking so innocent and vulnerable.
I can wait until he wakes up. I thought.
I walked over to his bed and sat down the stool. I placed the
bouquet on the table and looked at him.
Am I creep for staring at him like that?
No.
Earlier he had a stubble but, now I could see a light beard. I
ran my hand over his face. His rough beard against my soft
palm. I like the way it felt. Satisfying. I leaned forward and
pecked his forehead. I could do this every day. Feeling a little
scared I stepped back and glanced around the room.
"Azaan, look what I bought for you."
I turned around at the extra sweet voice.
"You?" Asmara raked her eyes up and down my form.
What's with everyone raking their eyes up and down my form?
I hope I look good.
She came forward, then she pushed me aside, leaned
downward and pecked his cheek. At this he opened his eyes.
Was he awake?
"What are you doing?" he muttered bitterly.
"You used to go crazy when I did that back in the days." she
whined and sat down near him, looking fantastic as usual. She
wore a dark purple, lacy bodycon dress. I couldn't help but
feel insecure. I didn't notice earlier but she had a donut box in
her hands.
"This used to be our favorite treat back in the days,
remember?" she glanced back at me and smiled.
"Anyway, I have to go. I have plans." she got up and exited the
ward.
I kept looking at the door.
"Romaisa." I heard his deep voice.
I turned around and smiled at him. Then, I reached forward
and hugged him slightly. I pulled back before he could react. I
sat down.
"How are you today?" I fixed my dress.
I was trying to be nonchalant about it.
"Forget about me. What's up with you today?" he looked
amused.
"Nothing." I smiled.
"Let's have this." I snatched the box from his hands. I read the
name.
California Donuts. I opened it hastily.
"Cinnamon rolls Donut." I smiled.
"This is basically the best flavor of donuts." I stated between
my bites. He was looking at me with a stoic expression.
"What's wrong?" I muttered; my voice muffled due to
munching.
"Why are eating that? Something that she bought."
"So, it's just a donut." I shrugged.
"Here." I forwarded it to him.
He shook his head.
"You look awful today." I washed my hands.
"I can say the same about you." he chuckled.
I froze. I looked at my reflection in the mirror in front of me.
Sure, I had worn a pretty dress but I had made no effort to
cover the pimple blemishes that I had on my cheeks.
I sighed.
"I know." I whispered and sat down. My gaze fell on the
bouquet.
"I bought this for you." I picked it up and handed him with a
small smile.
I hope this won't end up on the floor.
"Lilacs, Pink Lillies and Blue daisies. Why?"
"I'll tell you." I kept my hand on his.
"Lilacs." I chuckled.
"They represent first love." I studied his face but he held a
stoic expression.
What's wrong with him today?
"Pink Lillies." I smiled hopefully.
"They represent feminine love." I stopped. I hoped and prayed
for him to understand my feelings.
"And, finally Blue Daisies." I laughed nervously.
"They remind me of you, Azaan. They remind me of
happiness."
I held his hand and kept it on my cheek.
I closed my eyes.
"I really hoped for you to understand without having to say
this but..."
I sighed deeply.
"I think I am in love with you. And, when I say I think it
means I really have deep feelings for you but, I don't know if
it's love. Daniyal told me and I am still not sure but..." I sighed
and breathed deeply.
"I didn't know of any other way to say this. Maybe this should
have been more planned or more decent. But Daddy told me
this is just fine."
I hadn't opened my eyes yet. I was scared.
"Won't you say something, sweetheart?" I laughed.
"Romaisa?"
"Huh?"
"Romi."
"Yes." I smiled.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
I suddenly got out of my reverie. I looked around. He was
staring confusedly at me.
So, was this just my imagination?
"What happened?" I looked at him confusedly.
"You tell me. You were telling me about blue daisies. That they
remind you of?" he raised his brow.
"I didn't say anything after that?"
He shook his head.
I groaned inwardly.
He coughed.
"Azaan. Are you okay?" I kept my palm on his shoulder.
"I am alright." he whispered.
I retreated my hand back.
I felt a certain bitterness, today. And, a little angry.
I got up. I didn't get it. I had been so obvious when I told him
about the flowers. He should've understood my feelings till
now. How could he not? Daniyal did. George did. My parents
did. So, why couldn't he? Especially after I had been so
obvious about them. I could hear daddy's advice in my head.
You should be okay if he doesn't like you back, Romi.
I shook my head trying to clear that advice. It was wrong.
I sighed deeply.
"Azaan." I began.
"Yes." he smiled.
'I don't know if you understand this or if you are deliberately
trying not to understand it." I almost stuttered.
He froze for a second. A strange expression marred his face
and he looked straight ahead.
"I see, you are trying to avoid me." I muttered but, he didn't
budge.
"Azaan. I..." I smiled.
"Azaan." I turned around at the voice.
Malik.
Why did he have to ruin my confession?
I hate him.
He came and stood near his bed and passed me a curt nod. I
looked away.
"How are you feeling today?" he sat down.
"I am doing just fine."
"BTW." Azaan picked up the donut box.
"Asmara just came to pay a visit. She bought this; this was our
favorite desert to have back in the days." he picked one Donut
and took a bite from it.
"Mumm, delicious. Isn't she the best?" he smiled at Malik.
What was he trying to do?
I took a peek at Malik. His face held no expression. He stood
up and walked out.
He kept looking at the door and then he turned to me. I
narrowed my eyes at him.
"Isn't she the best?" I imitated his voice.
He sighed and leaned forward to hold my hand. I got up.
I paced the length of the room. Obviously angry.
He got up and sat at the edge of the bed. His attire was messy.
The pale blue nightwear made him appear sicker. He ran his
hand over his face and finger combed his hair. I stopped
pacing. He looked at me. I looked at him. No words
exchanged. Then I saw his lips stretch into a mischievous
smile. I tried hard to control the smile that threatened to slip
on my face. It was involuntary now. Whenever I saw him
smile, a smile would automatically make its way on my face.
I looked down at my heels, trying hard to hide the smile from
him. I saw him stand on his feet and then he walked towards
me. I looked up. He was grinning and then he came to stand
in front of me. I craned my neck up to look at him. He was so
tall and large. But the Pneumonia had done a fine job in
weakening him. It seemed to me that he had lost weight.
"What?" I asked nervously.
"Romaisa." he whispered.
"Azaan." I breathed slowly.
"You're in my way, sweetheart." he smiled.
"Huh?" I furrowed my eyebrows together.
He chuckled lightly and then casually brushed past me to the
bathroom. I stood there dumbfounded and when the
realization dawned upon me, I felt anger rush through my
veins again.
I was pacing the length of the room again.
How should I tell him?
Why doesn't he understand?
I wish he understood without me having to say this.
Maybe, he does.
What if?
I sat down on the couch. I didn't want to think of Asmara.
There was no way in hell he still had emotions for her. He had
ended things between them. I shook my head again, feeling
very anxious. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked just
fine. I heard the bathroom door creak open but, I didn't look
up. I saw him walking towards me. I felt water droplets falling
over me. I looked up at him. He had changed into another set
of the hospital clothes. He ran his fingers through his slightly
damp hair.
"Stop it. Explain yourself." I muttered quietly. I heard him
sigh deeply and then he sat down beside me.
"I don't want her to hurt my brother. The way she came to
meet me today, it seems like she hasn't changed. Malik
immediately started spending time with her ever since I ended
things with her. I just wanted him to see the truth."
"I understand." I nodded. My heart just wanted to spill its
deep feelings out. But I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"I think you were saying something when Malik interrupted
us."
I stiffened beside him.
"I was just talking about the flowers." I shrugged.
"Say it."
I looked at him, he was smiling.
"Azaan, I..." I looked down.
"I don't know how to say this but..." I laughed nervously. I
looked down at my hand and they were shaking.
"I think I have developed some sort of feelings for you. The
way I see it, it's like you're my happiness."
I felt him encircle an arm around my shoulder. I had trouble
breathing normally.
"Your heart and my heart are very old friends, Romaisa." he
laughed.
Friends.
"No." I got up.
"I don't have friendly feelings towards you. I mean I've
friendly feelings towards you but, this is different. I mean, I
have developed some sweet feelings for you, stronger than
that of friendship." I started pacing the room again, not sure
of what I was babbling.
"Romaisa, stop." I looked at him hopefully.
"Come here." he called out to me gently.
I immediately came to sit beside him. He kept his hand on
mine.
"What are you saying?" he looked worried.
"That..." I breathed deeply.
"That I have developed some sort of feelings for you. Deep and
sweet feelings." I smiled nervously.
He looked worried.
"What's wrong?" I smiled more.
"They're probably just friendly feelings, Romi." he whispered
and looked down.
My smiled faded away. I shook my head.
"Azaan, I..."
"Almost all of the women that have known me has said this to
me. That they wished to date me or they like me. I am not
surprised."
My heart started beating violently against my ribcage.
"What? No. I am not among them. I am different, right? I
don't want to date you or something. I don't like you, it's
different, it much deeper than that." I smiled hopefully again.
He retreated his hand back.
"Romi, I am sick. And, you don't know what you're saying."
"No, I know what I am saying." I tried to hold his hand but, he
got up.
"You told me that I made you happy. And, all those things.
Calling me with that endearment and giving me those looks." I
got up too.
"That was before." he turned his back to me.
"Before what?" I turned him around but, he didn't look at me.
He was silent.
"You got it all wrong." his tone was bitter.
This time anger rushed through my blood into my heart.
"I got it all wrong?" I raised my eyebrow.
"I got it all wrong? Huh? Yeah, I got it all wrong. And all those
girls that have known you got it wrong too." I chuckled
bitterly.
"We've got it all wrong or you lead us on? Tell me." I tried to
turn him around.
"I'll tell you. You lead us on. You behaved the same way with
every woman that have known you. Calling them with all
those endearments, your superficially attractive gestures,
buying them branded friendship bracelets, taking them out on
bloody food adventures and that lake. And how can I forget?
Your main motto: You make me happy. That one saying from
you that probably causes their heart to go crazy for you."
He looked at me. His eyes filled with pain. But I wasn't having
it.
"You know what? Asmara was right. It wasn't her fault; you
were the one who kept doing this even after you were
engaged." he looked away.
"That is why your mother always asked you not to break the
engagement because she knew how her son was." I blurted out
without thinking. His head snapped towards me.
I knew I had crossed a line. I shouldn't have said that.
"Watch it." he pointed his index finger at me.
"Watch what you're saying. You've said enough. You can't say
that. You have absolutely no right to say that."
His jaw was clenched, his face was red with fury. He was
breathing deeply.
"I didn't say anything wrong. You're a bloody womanizer." I
spat bitterly.
"Leave me alone." he whispered angrily.
"That's what you probably said that to all those women who
have confessed their feelings to you." I picked up the bouquet
lying on his bed. I turned around and threw it near his feet. I
felt an eerie feeling of Déjà vu just as I threw it, except in that
case I was being dramatic because he hadn't accepted my
bouquet but, in this case, I was hurt because he had not
accepted my feelings.
"Romaisa." he sighed deeply and whispered; his eyes closed.
"Goodbye, Azaan."
"Your heart is hurting, but...." he whispered.
"And, you don't care."
The cold wind was ruffling my hair. I secured my cashmere
shawl tightly against me. I had never thought that things
would turn out like this. I had always led a very easy life. Sure,
I had family problems but never in my life I had felt mental
agony. I couldn't believe it. He never had feelings for me. I
was just a friend. And, to top it all of the way he had
compared me to the other woman that he knew was a very
painful blow to my heart. I chuckled bitterly at that thought.
I sat down on a nearby bench.
I was so happy this morning. So positive about this. Why did
things have to take such a painful turn? I sighed and rubbed
my face tiredly. What did I feel now? Like a fool. Who trusted
a man like him. I should've known. The way he behaved with
me was enough for a sane person to understand what kind of a
character he possessed.
"We're friends. Romi." his voice rang in my ears.
I closed my eyes wanting to escape the harsh reality.
His charming face flashed before my eyes, his deep voice rang
in my ears, everything that he had ever told me, everything
that he ever did. All those little moments and memories were
hurting me like hell. I sighed and got up to walk back home.
"I bet you she's bringing him along."
I heard Mama's muffled voice when I opened the door.
"Surprise." everyone yelled as soon as I entered the living
room, they even popped a part popper. The confetti from it
burst out and scattered everywhere. I looked blankly at them.
My expression must have spoken volumes because everyone
seemed shocked and upset. I looked down.
"Do you want to have lunch, Romi?" I heard Mama's
concerned voice.
I shook my head and smiled politely. I didn't notice it earlier
but, Irfan was there too. Him and Hamza were still working.
He looked at me confusedly. I left the room.
I was removing my heels when Daniyal walked in. He closed
the door behind him. I lied down and closed my eyes. I felt the
bed dip under his weight.
"What happened?"
"Take a guess." I opened my eyes.
"He...?"
"He doesn't like me. He thinks of me as his friend. In fact, a
lot of women have misunderstood his friendship as his
feelings. And, I was one of them." I spoke bitterly and kicked
my heels off my feet.
"I don't feel good, Daniyal." I hugged myself and whispered
quietly.
I was almost on the verge of crying.
"Hey." he came to sit beside me and held my hand.
"I don't feel good, Daniyal."
"It's okay."
"Look here."
"What?" I looked up at him, he smiled sadly.
"I told you that figuring out what love is, is easy. Remember?"
I nodded.
"And, do you remember I told you that loving is not easy."
I nodded.
"Well, that's how it is supposed to be. You might have thought
that this all was so simple and easy. Didn't you?" he smiled.
I thought about it. Honestly, I did think of it as a children's
play. Like I would go with a bouquet, tell him about my
feelings and just like that everything would turn out perfectly.
I was stupid.
I nodded.
"The day you figure out that loving is not easy will be the day
you actually learn how to love, Romi." he smiled.
So, what will I do then?
He raised his brow.
"When I figure out that loving is not easy and I learn how to
love?"
"You wait."
"Huh?"
"You let that person go, if he's meant for you, he will always
come back to you."
"I hope he comes back to me, Daniyal." I whispered weakly
and hugged him.
"I know he will."