2.1 Doubts

Yomo squinted. The morning sun was still too strong for his tired mind. He hadn't had enough sleep. Classes started early this semester and three days out of five he started at eight. The rest of the time it was ten. He hadn't had much luck with his schedule. At least he didn't have classes on Saturday- is what he told himself to cheer himself up.

Although he wasn't a morning person, Yomo was used to looking after himself and taking care of himself. So he had no trouble getting up and ready despite his morning apathy. His aunt had already left when he went to breakfast but she had left him a quick bite to eat with a note. She was working a lot at the moment because she had a big case to close quickly, and criminals didn't care about the detectives' office hours.

After having breakfast and a quick shower, Yomo had taken his bike to the university. Fortunately, he had less than a 30-minute commute, which was a good compromise since he couldn't afford a flat near the university. After parking his bike, he followed the stream of students toward the main building where he had classes. He saw Jin waiting for him. His blonde hair and round glasses made him stand out immediately. He walked towards him and greeted him.

"Not too many after-effects from last night?" he asked him as he headed towards the cafeteria to get a coffee before going to the lecture hall.

"Well, not much more than that, I didn't drink that much," Yomo replied as he struggled to clear his foggy mind.

Jin laughed as he watched him struggle with his demon. Yomo never really woke up until noon. Before that, you were only treated to an out-of-whack, or half-awake Yomo... a kind of ultra-handsome zombie. It was quite funny in Jin's opinion.

"Isn't Nils coming this morning?" he asked.

"No, he didn't take that option," Jin replied. "He said in the group chat that he would join us after lunch.

Yomo nodded without adding anything. He was too out of touch to think. They took their coffees and went up the stairs without much enthusiasm. Taking their usual seats, they took out their computers and prepared to take notes for the next three long hours. The usual. Yomo figured he had to make it to noon. He put himself in robot mode and unplugged his brain to stupidly type everything the teacher was going to unpack at high speed.

The morning passed rather slowly. Heading towards the university restaurant, the two boys, tired from the painful start of the semester, were chatting, relaxed and happy to finally be able to enjoy their lunch break. They put their trays on the table at the back of the restaurant and started to eat.

"Yomo," Jin began carefully. "Do we talk about you coming out at the party last night?

Yomo looked up from his plate and smiled. It had come so naturally that he had completely forgotten about it.

"Don't worry, I came out knowingly. And I wasn't drunk. I did it because I wanted to," he reassured him.

Jin watched him with a scrutinizing look. Yomo had always been very free with this sort of thing, never forcing himself to do anything for fear of other people's looks, so he wasn't really worried, but he preferred to be sure. Especially since he had always considered it unnecessary to reveal such things publicly in college.

Seeing his friend's worried look, Yomo continued to explain to reassure him:

"I let myself go with the flow, and I felt like saying it, I don't know why I admit it...But I don't regret it at all!"

He took a bite of his slightly watery mashed carrot before continuing.

"Let's just say that I thought it was easier not to talk about it, not to say it officially like that in college, because my sexuality doesn't concern anyone but me, and to talk about it openly by making it a state affair, is in a way to accept the omerta that society imposes on the sexual orientation of individuals and that I don't adhere to at all. I didn't keep silent out of fear or need for privacy, but rather out of ease and a desire to protest too. Now, if I spoke about it yesterday at the table in front of everyone, it's not because I changed my mind or felt forced to do so, quite the contrary! I did it in the same spirit of contradiction and freedom that animated my silence. My sexuality is my own, and so are my choices. And this was fully part of it."

He finished his plate before continuing.

"So you don't have to worry, I'm fine, and all these reactions from people about what happened to make me laugh, to tell you the truth! I could feel all the eyes on me this morning when I arrived, and frankly, it makes me gloat. If that's all these assholes have to do is yammer on about the somewhat unusual sexual orientation of one of their fellow human beings, then I feel sorry for them. Their lives must be very sad for them to need something as banal and uninteresting as my coming out to liven up their day! If we made as much noise about heterosexual sexuality, the world would be talking about sex all day long! But they don't realize that because they've monopolized the public space for so long that they feel they're the only living beings on this earth.... and that people like me are deviants to be marginalized to make their offspring understand that the norm is them and nothing else."

He took a few sips of water and looked into the eyes of the blond man with the glasses who was listening attentively.

"This doesn't affect me, Jin, you have nothing to fear for me. I go over these social patterns and their stupidity casually, and I even laugh about it! Their hypocrisy can't hurt me because I'm unapproachable to them."

He leaned back in his chair, giving his friend a sly smile. Yomo was impressive. That's what attracted Jin to his friend: that natural, overflowing confidence with which he faced the world. Nothing scared him, nothing seemed insurmountable. Everything was a game and he was the only master of it. He knew that his personality reinforced this aspect of him and that his natural charm made him one of those beings who seemed to weather storms with casual ease, but he couldn't help but envy him and want to be a little more like him.

He nodded after a moment's thought and leaned forward on his elbows, shifting his position in his chair.

"That's what I thought, but I wanted to make sure you weren't suffering through all this in silence," he said. "Your mental strength is impressive, Yomo.

His friend smiled, appreciating the compliment.

"But if you ever feel like you can't take it anymore, don't forget that you have friends to talk to. Nils and I will always be there for you.

Yomo laughed and thanked his friend with a friendly pat on the shoulder. He took his tray and stood up, followed by Jin who did the same.

"It's so cool to have friends like you," he said with a grateful smile. "Not many people put as much effort into friendship as you do. It's a precious commodity that we often forget the value of by taking it too much for granted."

Jin smiled. He recognized his friend. Incredibly good with words, he had an incorrigible knack for attracting flattery with his public performances that rarely went unnoticed. And he knew it very well. He played it up. But he always stopped short of harming. He was a player but never played others. Still, Jin shook his head, as he was so used to his friend's exaggerated extravagance.

Yomo put a hand on his shoulders as they walked to a bench in the sun to enjoy their coffee in the heat of the last summer days.

"And do you want to talk about your goal of trying new things in relationships?" Yomo whispered in his ear.

Jin removed his friend’s hand from his shoulders and pretended to shoo him away. Yomo pretended to run away from the blows, laughing. He sat down on the stone bench and his friend stood before him. Yomo waited patiently while the blond man spoke.

"I met some people this summer and... it made me curious," he sipped his coffee, his eyes lost in the branches of the still very green trees. "Their freedom attracted me, and I discovered a world in which I was a hundred times more comfortable than in any of my previous relationships. That's what made me think that maybe I wasn't cut out for the classic relationship, dating one person, exclusively... maybe I like freedom a lot more than I think I do, and that includes my relationships."

He seemed to think for a moment, searching for the right words to describe his state of mind and what he wanted to express.

"That's why I think I should try new things... new relationships. Enter the taboo of our society to find out who I am and what I want."

He smiled and sat down next to his friend who put his arm back on his shoulders. Yomo needed physical contact, especially with people he cared about. Jin wasn't physical, but he had gotten used to it. It was a way for his friend to show his affection, and he accepted that without any problem.

"If you have any questions, feel lost, or are suffering from this search, you can always come to talk to me," the handsome brunet winked. "You're not the only one who can show off, my support is as unconditional as yours!"

Jin laughed heartily.

"What is this, a friendship fight?" he said to his buddy, giving him a challenging look.

"Don't laugh, I'm taking it very seriously," Jin replied, raising his eyebrows.

They continued their discussion, teasing each other as they grabbed their things and headed for their lecture hall. The first class of the afternoon was about to start. Joined by Nils, they went straight to their seats to wait for the teacher's arrival. The day was still far from over for the third-year students...