6.1 Struggles

With two bags of beer and fried chicken in his hands, Yomo knocked on the door of Nils' flat. A few minutes later, the door revealed a grumpy Nils in chickie pajamas. Yomo entered without being asked and took off his shoes before placing the bags on the living room table. His host let him do this without saying anything, dragging his feet to the sofa.

Yomo took out the boxes of chicken and the bottles of beer and put them on the coffee table. He glanced at Nils who had pulled his knees up under his chin and was holding them with his arms. The latter avoided his gaze. Yomo then grabbed a fried wing and placed it under Nils' nose, a teasing smile on his lips.

"Mmmmh, good fried chicken from Nan's," he waved the piece of chicken in front of his friend's face, who took a quick look at the tempting dish before turning his head again, ignoring him with difficulty.

Seeing that his friend was about to give in, Yomo brought the wing closer to his own mouth and bit into it, exaggerating his delight. He grabbed another wing and placed it again under the sulky ponderer's nose.

"You don't know what you're missing!" he continued to bait him. "It's even better than usual!

He didn't have time to finish his sentence when Nils took the piece of chicken and bit into it with appetite. Within a minute he had finished it and was licking the bones thoroughly, quickly taking another one to continue his fest.

"Oooooh, I thought you were on herbal tea," Yomo glared, his lips pulled back in a teasing smile.

Nils responded to his provocation by kicking him lightly in the shoulder, which made his friend laugh.

"Pass me a beer instead of talking nonsense," he threatened.

"As you wish, your highness," his remark earned him a second kick in the shoulder.

Yomo pretended to be in pain, which made his friend say that he deserved it. They chatted for a while and then ate in silence. Yomo took two big gulps of his beer and put it back on the coffee table, breathing out all the fatigue he had accumulated today.

He looked up to see Nils, who was still in the same position, resting his head on his knees and staring tiredly into the distance. Playing with his beer, which he had placed on his toes in front of him, he looked deep in thought.

Yomo brought him back to reality by putting his hand on his arm and pulling himself onto the sofa next to him.

"There's no point in getting worked up, Nils. You know what we have to do, don't you?"

Nils sighed, then took a sip of beer.

"I know, I know..." he replied evasively. "But I can't help wondering.

"What kind of wonders?" asked Yomo, who had let himself go against the back of the sofa.

Nils did not answer immediately. He took some time to think before resuming.

"Is this really going to end once we tell the police? We've already left them to deal with her last year and look where we are: she's back as powerful as ever."

He paused again. Yomo let him take his time. He had to understand what was going on in his mind so he could help him get through it.

"Why did she come back? Will she ever leave me alone? Won't I just have to give up and give her what she wants so she'll leave me alone?"

Yomo straightened up.

"Nils, you know very well that she will never get enough. She will always ask you for more. Inja only wants to destroy you, or possess you, or maybe both..."

"I know that! I know it all, Yomo, but what am I supposed to do if she starts endangering my loved ones?" he cut him off. "How am I supposed to react? Morilles... as sad as this makes me, it's surely the least loss I can bear. What do I do if she ever comes after you, Jin or Neti?"

This time, Nils had turned his head to the tall dark-haired man who had sat down to his level and looked into his beautiful green eyes. For a moment, time seemed to be suspended in the intensity of their gaze as they said everything they thought in such a complexity that didn't fit words. How much they cared for each other, how much they suffered, and how much they understood each other's suffering. To care for someone was to live with them in the pain of the events that marked their lives. And to share it. For suffering is only ever the expression of a wounded bond between two human beings.

"Nils," Yomo said slowly. "You don't have to carry this burden. You are not responsible for her actions, and none of us will make you feel that you are."

Nils looked away, feeling the wetness come to moisten the corners of his eyelids. He fluttered his eyelashes without answering, trying to keep his composure.

"What she does will never be justified by anything, and at no point are you the cause of her disaster," continued Yomo, who had seen the emotion in his friend's eyes. "No one is holding you responsible for what's happening, and just because your father thinks it's your fault that all this is happening to you doesn't mean you're really responsible. You don't have to blame yourself for this mess. And nothing will happen to us, she hasn't been in the country for almost a year. We're safe here, and we'll be even safer once we've spoken to the police.

Unable to hold back his tears any longer, Nils began to cry softly, without a sound. Seeing his friend's emotion, Yomo put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm scared, Yomo," he confessed. "I'm scared I'll never get out of this. I'm scared she'll destroy everything around me, and I can't bear to see you suffer because of her! If only I had never fallen in love with her... If only I could have seen how crazy she was..."

Yomo put his arm around his friend's shoulders and pulled him against his shoulder. Pressing his hand to his shoulder, he let him let his tears flow freely in the hollow of his embrace. He let him catch his breath without saying anything. Seeing his friend in this state was unbearable.

"And the worst part... My feelings for her were real, to begin with! I feel so pathetic..." said Nils between sobs. "I feel pathetic Yomo!"

He rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. But the young man was inconsolable.

"It's all right, Nils, nothing's going to happen to us," he tried to reassure him. "Nothing will happen to us, trust us. We're your friends, we chose you for better or worse, and we intend to keep our promise. We won't leave you in there, I promise! And don't ever doubt that we don't blame you in the slightest for all this. The only one at fault here is Inja!"

Nils sniffed, fighting the tears that were still continually welling up in his eyes and he couldn't stop them.

"And on the contrary, you listened to us when you were told that she was not a good person for you, that she was hurting you and that you had to realize it. You didn't doubt us when we told you she was dangerous and you accepted to see things as they were despite your feelings. You were brave Nils! Very brave! And that's why we support you too, because you deserve it!"

This time Nils' tears were beginning to subside. Still hiccupping, he was gradually regaining control of his body and his emotions.

"So stop blaming yourself and appreciate yourself! You're a great person and incredibly brave! Don't let yourself get too down and don't get too caught up in what's happening to us. We know that, and we'll do everything we can to make sure nothing happens."

Nils sat up and Yomo wiped the still-wet tears from his cheeks.

"Thank you, Yomo," Nils thanked him in a small voice, a little muted from crying too much.

Yomo smiled and ruffled his hair.

"Don't worry Nils, it's normal!"

He was happy to see his friend back on his feet. Since his altercation with Inja's henchmen, he hadn't let up on the pressure and it had all come out at once. The stress he had built up over the last few days had suddenly come down and emptied from the student's body, which now felt as light as a feather.

"Go and brush your teeth, you should go to bed. We're going to the police station early in the morning," Yomo said and started to tidy up the table with the empty beers and chicken boxes lying around.

Nils nodded and slowly stood up. With uncertain steps, he headed for the bathroom. Meanwhile, Yomo cleaned the living room and washed the dishes. Then he went to Nils' room, where he was washing his face, and looked for something to wear for the night. He grabbed an oversized t-shirt that belonged to him or Jin and that they had never gotten back. He closed the wardrobe door as Nils entered the room.

"I'm going to take a shower," he told her. "You go to bed, I'll try not to make any noise.

"Don't worry, I won't be able to fall asleep until you're lying next to me anyway." Nils shook his head.

No matter how often he saw a psychologist, his phobia was not improving in the least. Sometimes he needed someone next to him to fall asleep for a week before it subsided. He crawled under the duvet with a sigh. He was such a burden to his friends, it made him despair.

Yomo returned a few minutes later after taking a quick shower and brushing his teeth with one of the many toothbrushes that were lying around that he and Jin had used. He crawled under the duvet and turned off the bedside lamp after sending a message to Jin to meet them at the police station the next day at 8 am. Nils was facing the window and seemed to be sleeping. Yomo made no sound and lay on his back, his eyes lost in the white paint on the ceiling, and turned his head when he heard his friend's half-asleep voice calling him.

"Yomo."

"Mmh?" he replied.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to love again?"

Yomo thought for a moment. He himself didn't know if he was capable of love, how could he know if his friend could? After what he had been through, it was likely to be difficult for him to open up again.

"I feel like something has broken inside me," Nils said, seeing that his friend was not responding. "I feel like I'm cut off from my emotions. Sometimes I'd like to start a relationship with a girl, but I can't feel that little thing inside me that makes me want to have a relationship. It's flat. It's like I've completely detached myself from my feelings. Like I'm not capable of feeling anymore."

"You're not cut off from your emotions, Nils. The proof is that you can feel a lot of them," replied Yomo, who was also turning the problem over in his head.

"Not all of them, just the ones that get involved in a relationship," Nils corrected. "Just...love. I feel like I'm not capable of love anymore."

Yomo let out a deep sigh. It was funny that he was having this discussion now with Nils because it was also something he felt deep inside. He felt that he was incapable of love. Perhaps he had been deprived of parental love too early in his life? Too brutally? Whatever the case, he felt that something was broken inside him. Something that was now in pieces, but something that could perhaps be repaired... No one can predict what the future will bring. That was one of the few lessons he had learned in his twenty-one years of life.

"Maybe it's not that you're not able to love anymore, but that there's something stopping you. Maybe your emotions are just hidden in a place that is inaccessible to you for the moment but you will manage to bring them out one day. Who knows, human emotions are so hard to understand!"

Nils laughed at his friend's answer. He looked as lost as he was on the subject. But he appreciated that he shared his doubts with him. Between the two of them, maybe they would find the answer one day. He pulled the blanket up to his ear and rolled over, ready to fall asleep. All these emotions had drained him of energy and he longed to return to the world of dreams as soon as possible.

"You're probably right," he muttered as he closed his eyes. "One day we'll find the answer..."

No sooner had he closed his eyelids than he fell asleep. Yomo smiled. It was always the same. Nils fell asleep as soon as he closed his eyes, it was always instantaneous with him. But he often found himself tossing and turning in his bed for hours before he could fall asleep. This was one of the reasons why he often worked late at night. It allowed him to exhaust himself before going to bed and not have to wait hours before falling asleep.

He pulled the duvet up over his chest and made himself comfortable for the night.

"Good night, Nils," he said quietly before closing his eyes.

He knew very well that his friend would not hear him, but he needed this little ritual to be able to fall asleep himself. The day had to be closed so that he could plunge into the darkness of the realm of the dead for a few hours.