Blame and Guilt

TW - Attempted Suicide

*****

Its mouth opened, revealing a black abyss that swallowed everything in a ten-meter radius. The pain that was eating away at my hands suddenly disappeared, and I lost feeling in every square inch of my body. The darkness surrounding me was mind-numbing, to the point where I could hardly tell the difference between seeing with my eyes open and seeing with my eyes closed.

"Helu… I'm sorry… please… help me…" I barely managed to conjure my own voice, but as these words somehow echoed back at me in the seemingly endless abyss, I regained my vision. I was in the mouth of the frog with its saliva nearly causing me to slip as soon as I regained feeling in my legs and feet.

A pair of pale white arms helped me to retain my balance, allowing me to crack a smile as the woman continued to grin at me. It felt good seeing her smile, but as a chill was shot down my spine, the creaky voice of a foreign being echoed through my mind.

"As the activator of my domain, your life shall be sacrificed for the group," a voice resounded through the slimy and fleshy chamber of mucus.

I turned towards Helu, my face as pale as the midnight moon.

"P-Please… no…. I-Is this why you brought me? To sacrifice me? So you could enter the tower?" My face paled at the sight of Helu coldly staring down at me. She held no remorse for her actions, and as she slowly backed away from me, I just dropped to my knees. Tears poured from my eyes.

The mucus I was sitting on quickly began to wrap around me, its thick and sticky substance gluing me in place. It began to crawl up my body and wrapped around my head, the pain of small pin needles constantly poking into me. And once that pain spread from my torso and to my head, my entire mind went blank.

And when I came to, I saw myself. It was my younger self, crying in her bedroom, sheets soaked with tears and pillows caked with my freshly done makeup. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried until my voice ran hoarse.

The guilt was too much. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror at the thought of ruining somebodies life, to the point they died, lonely. It hurt just to think of it, and the fact that she was the only person I could feel comfortable around, the only one who wasn't fake, made it so much harder to deal with it.

I had pushed and killed the only person in my life who didn't put on a fake smile to befriend me. She didn't put on a stern face to abuse and push me forward in life, towards a place I never even wanted to go. I didn't want to inherit my parent's company… I just wanted to be an adventurer. I wanted to have fun.

In front of me were all the events that had impacted Helu's life. I regretted it, toying with her emotions and eventually playing her, breaking her heart. And even though I wasn't there, I was forced to stare at the nauseating sight of Helu on the kitchen floor, a knife pressed against her neck, ready to slit it.

But she was too scared. She broke down in her tears but didn't make any of the typical crying noises. She definitely leaked tears, but her face was blank and expressionless. She lowered the knife and tossed it to the side, allowing me to breathe for just a second as I nearly broke down in tears.

She went to the top floor of her apartment. Her shoddy, dilapidated, and broken-down apartment. And as soon as she pushed the doors open to the roof of the building, a gust of wind asked her if she really wanted to do this. It pressed her back for just a second, but the expressionless high school girl just pressed on, making her way to the edge of the rooftop.

She glanced down at the chaos below. Monsters flooding the streets.

"D-Don't!" I shouted, only to see the girl drop, limper than a stuffed hay scarecrow. Her eyes flickered with a slight will to live, only to have it extinguished upon realizing what she had just done. It was over for her… or so I thought.

My vision flashed away from the girl's attempted suicide to my older, adult self. I stood atop the roof of my mansion, staring down at the drop that was sure to kill me. If I landed on my head, it was even more guaranteed. An instant death that would allow me to escape from my guilt.

But as I saw myself drop forward, I grabbed the woman by the back of the shirt and pulled her back, stopping her attempt. As tears streamed down her face, I saw her body shift into that of my teenage self—that cocky, annoying little shit who didn't understand a thing.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM

I repeatedly punched her. I pressed her against the marble rooftop, beating her face until all of that makeup was finally gone. I punched her until there was nothing but blood and swelling making up her smug expression.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, grabbing her by the collar of that disgustingly frilly and revealing shirt meant to attract as many eyes as possible. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHY DID YOU-"

I stopped, lowering the girl as she lay below me unconscious. My fist was beet red from not only the blood but my repeated banging against a solid skull.

"Why did I do that…" One more tear leaked from my eye, sliding down onto a notification that broke through time and space. It tore open a hole in the area around me and grabbed ahold of my consciousness. "I-I'm sorry… I-I'm so sorry…."