23. Healing

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

Meredith had had a roller coaster of a day. She had been on-call the night before, while Derek had been at home sleeping in her bed. He offered to stay with her of course, but he had a big surgery the following afternoon, so she wanted him to be well rested. And sleeping in an on-call room bed ensured just the opposite. She had grown accustomed to sleeping in Derek's arms, so she had tossed and turned all night, wishing she was snuggled in her big, warm bed with him.

Her only case of the day had been a c-section with the new neonatal attending, aka, Mark's "flavor of the week", as she had been so kindly nicknamed by Cristina. Her patient was an expectant mother who had been trying to have a baby with her husband for a few years. Because she had suffered from pregnancy complications throughout the nine months, they opted for a c-section.

However, what should have been a routine surgery turned into unexpected trouble when the mother coded on the table from excessive blood loss. They tried reviving her for almost an hour, but despite their efforts, she died anyway, leaving her husband and baby daughter without a mother.

Meredith managed to keep it together in the OR, but as soon as she went to change her blood soaked scrubs in the safety of the resident lounge, she broke down and had a panic attack. Derek was in the middle of a long and complicated surgery, so she couldn't page him to calm her down. After several long minutes, her breathing evened out and she managed to relax a bit. However, her mind kept racing and her heart broke as she thought about the happy family that should be celebrating right now. Instead, the new grief-stricken father had to plan a funeral for his wife. It wasn't fair. Life had played a cruel joke. And Meredith found herself crying for them.

She knew that things like this shouldn't bother her. Generally, she distanced herself as surgeons are supposed to. But a case like this hit home. Meredith knew what it was like to grow up essentially "motherless." And no one deserved that. She almost felt guilty that she had a mother, no matter how absent she was in her life. But the new baby would never know hers. And despite all of Meredith's surgical skills, that was something that couldn't be fixed with medicine.

Despite how blessed and lucky Meredith felt in finding love, friendships, and success, there has always been somewhat of a void in her life—the missing link of a mother-daughter relationship with Ellis. Everyone should know that sort of bond. And Meredith always promised herself that if she ever had children, they would know her love for them.

And now, standing under the hot water of her shower, she couldn't help herself. The dam burst. Something about this case had touched her, and she just had to cry. She had never really thought about her mother's death. In a way, Ellis's death had come as a relief to her, but now, she was really starting to accept it. Putting her mother to rest in the scrub room of the hospital certainly helped her deal with the sadness, but maybe the reality of it all was finally hitting her. So she cried. Cried over the family that was left without a mother. Cried over the death of her own mother. Cried over the cruelty of the world. Just…cried.

She heard a slight knock on the door. "Mer", a soft voice called as Derek stepped inside the bathroom. They both had worked long days. Meredith hadn't arrived home until 10:30, and Derek had just gotten home around eleven. And both were completely exhausted.

"Yeah?", was all she could manage to say through her tears and stuffy nose.

"You okay?", he asked, noticing the upset tone of her voice, even over the noisy stream of water hitting the floor of the shower.

"Yeah. I'll be out in a minute", she answered. She quickly rinsed her hair of her lavender conditioner, the scent slightly relaxing her.

She turned off the knobs and grabbed the towel from the handle on the opposite side of the frosted glass door and wrapped it around her body. Derek was waiting for her in her room, changing into some pajamas.

"Hey", she said softly, mustering her best fake smile. She walked over to her dresser and pulled some pajamas from the drawer. Meredith dropped her towel, exposing all of her naked glory. Usually she would flash Derek a coy smile, daring him to watch her get dressed. But not tonight. Derek could tell just by looking at her demeanor that something was bothering her.

"You okay? You seem…not okay", he began, hoping she'd reveal something about what had her so upset.

Meredith sniffled and nodded as she went into her private bathroom to brush her teeth. When she returned several minutes later, she simply crawled into bed and buried her face in his chest.

"Meredith, please talk to me", he whispered, kissing the top of her damp head.

Meredith lifted her head and looked at him, his blue eyes full of concern for her. That was all it took. "Bad day", she confessed, her voice barely audible.

"Yeah?", he asked softly, relieved that she was willing to talk to him and hopefully get whatever was bothering her off her chest.

"It's just…today I was on OB. This couple…they wanted a baby for a long time. And during the c-section, the mom coded…and she just…died", she admitted, tears once again returning to her already puffy eyes.

Derek sat them up a bit in the bed and pulled her close to him. "I'm so sorry, Meredith", he said gently.

"Things like this aren't supposed to bother me. They shouldn't but…it's just so unfair…" Derek just nodded and waited for her to continue. "They're supposed to be happy. They're supposed to be a family. But that baby is never going to know her mom…", she trailed off, crying softly.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry…"

"She's a beautiful baby, Derek. She's beautiful…and she has these big blue eyes and…I…I had to cut the cord because the father was panicking, telling his wife to wake up. And I just…why Derek? Why do things like that have to happen? It's not fair", she cried, burying her face in his shoulder.

"I know. It's not fair, Meredith", he said, gently rocking her back and forth in his arms. "It's okay to be upset. What happened…it's horrible. Things like that shouldn't happen. But you had no control over it…"

"Afterward, I was on edge. I couldn't even think. And when I went to the nursery to check on the baby, her little name card was still blank. There was no family around to see her. So I went in and I just…I picked her up, and then I just sat with her in the rocking chair for over an hour. She's beautiful, Derek. She was an hour old, and her world was already turned upside down. It's not fair", she said, reaching for his hand and lacing her fingers with his. "And I thought…what if that happened to us?", she sniffled, tears falling down her face.

"Mer, that won't happen. I promise", he assured her, rubbing her hand with his thumb.

"If something were to happen to me, and you had to raise our baby by yourself", she whimpered. "I know what it's like not to have a mother in your life. I mean, I had one, but she was never there. And I always wanted her to be…and I just…I don't know. I shouldn't think like that but I couldn't help it…"

Derek's heart ached for her. He never realized how much he took his own loving family for granted until he met Meredith. She came from a broken home with a negligent mother and no father. He knew that she couldn't help but think about such things. Her whole life, she had been building up walls to protect herself from heartbreak, and now that she felt comfortable enough to allow herself to be vulnerable, she couldn't help but express her pain.

"I know", he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

"Derek…"

"Hmm?"

Meredith let out a deep breath. She had to tell him. It would be painful, but she knew she had to do it. "My mother took a scalpel and slit her wrists in front of me when I was five years old."

"Meredith", he whispered, a look of pain written all over his features. "I…I had no idea."

"And I had to sit…on the kitchen floor in a pool of her blood, waiting for her to pass out before I could even get help", she cried.

"Mer..." He reached over and grabbed the tissue box off of her nightstand.

"Thanks", she said, taking one and wiping her nose with it.

"Why couldn't you get her help?", he asked softly. Derek knew this was a difficult conversation for her, but he also knew that she had to get all of this out into the open.

"She told me not to. I knew I'd get in trouble if I did", she admitted sadly, the painful memories all flooding back into her mind.

"Oh, Meredith", he breathed. "I am so sorry."

"It took me years to realize that it wasn't a suicide attempt. If she wanted to kill herself, she would have known how to do it. But I can't help but get angry at her…at Richard…at Thatcher…they were the adults. I was five, Derek. I had no control over anything. I was the one who suffered. That day…we were in the kitchen and she just…she told me to be extraordinary. That's the last things she said before she… then she just pulled out the scalpel and…" Her breath caught in her throat, causing her to cough through her tears.

"There was so much blood, Derek. After she passed out, I got the phone and called 911. I tried to drag her by the front door so they could get to her quicker, but she was too heavy, so I…I got a towel and started wiping up the blood. I covered up her wrists. I thought that maybe that would make the bleeding stop. I remember kneeling on the kitchen floor shaking and crying while I scrubbed. I had most of it cleaned up by the time the EMTs got to the house."

She paused to wipe some tears off her face with the tissue. So many had already seeped into Derek's gray tee shirt, but he didn't take any notice. He wished he could take all of the pain away. He never wanted her to hurt, but he also knew that this was good. She had obviously been keeping this inside her whole life, and telling him would make her feel better. Maybe now, she could begin to heal.

"Meredith, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine…five years old…", he whispered in shock. Part of him was grieving for Meredith, the person he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world. And the other part of him was angry at Ellis for putting her five year old daughter through such emotional trauma.

"That little baby will never know her mom. As I was sitting there holding her, I remembered everything I felt while I was cleaning up all the blood. My mom raised me to not believe in anything, but I remember asking God to keep her alive. I asked God to keep her heart beating." She paused and took a breath. "Today in the nursery, I said a prayer. I said a prayer for the baby. I asked God to make sure she had a good life, and that people would tell her just how much her mom loved her. And that even though her mom wasn't around, she could feel that love."

In that moment, Derek felt his pained heart swell with love for her. Even though she was going through her own personal pain, she always thought of others. She was kind and thoughtful, something she surely didn't inherit from her mother, who had done something incredibly selfish, leaving her only daughter with a lifetime of pain that was only now beginning to heal.

"Mer, it's okay", he soothed, wiping some hair off of her tear stained face and kissing her forehead.

"No. It's not", she whispered. "I had a mother. I had a mother who didn't necessarily want to die, but would have accepted it if it happened. And she didn't stop to think how that would have affected me. What would have happened to me if she had died on the kitchen floor? Where would I have gone? My 

father didn't want me. My mother…wanted Richard. And I just…I wanted a family", she cried softly. "And that baby—"

"Has a family", he finished for her. "Meredith, she has a family. I'm sure her father loves her more than she'll ever be able to comprehend. He probably just needed some time…time to grieve. But Meredith, they have each other. He gets to watch his daughter grow up. And her mom—she gets to live on through her daughter. Right now, things look hopeless, I know. But they'll cope. They'll learn to live…"

"Yeah", she whimpered, nodding slightly. She laid her head on his shoulder and breathed in his comforting scent. Together they sat in silence for a while. Derek gently rubbed her back and kissed her head repeatedly while she cried softly, letting out all of the emotions she had been holding back her whole life.

Eventually, she lifted her head and looked into his blue eyes. "I'm okay", she sniffled.

Derek smiled softly. "You're okay", he repeated, wiping some hair off her face.

"I love you", she whispered.

"I love you too, Meredith." He kissed her cheek, tasting the slight saltiness of her tears on his lips.

Meredith exhaled a deep breath and nodded slightly to herself. "I have…we have to do something", she said quietly, tugging on her bottom lip with her teeth.

"Hmm?", he asked.

"I, um…I saved some ashes…from the baggie. I don't even know why I did it, but I did. And I…want to sprinkle the rest of them in the backyard of our house…so she can be a part of our lives. I want her to know that I was able to do it. That I could be both. I want her to know that even after everything, I really do love her…that I learned through her mistakes."

Derek just smiled and kissed her forehead. He loved that she had suggested doing something so meaningful in memory of her mother. He couldn't even find the words to express how proud he was of her.

"Sorry, I um…that was probably corny and I—"

"Meredith", he said softly, stopping her nervous rambling. "I would love to."

Meredith smiled slightly. "Yeah?"

"Absolutely", he nodded and smiled confidently.

"Okay", she answered quietly. She kissed his cheek and laid her head on his chest contentedly.

Derek scooted backward in the bed and proceeded to lie down, making it more comfortable for both of them. He began rubbing her back and she sighed softly.

"I'm sorry", she whispered, tracing the logo on his Clash tee shirt with her finger.

Derek looked at her with a worried expression. "Sorry? For what?"

"For being a train wreck full of issues…", she sighed, letting out a breath.

"First of all, you are not a train wreck full of issues. And second, you never have to apologize. It's okay to cry…to get upset. I will always be here to love you and support you. If anything is ever bothering you, you can talk to me. I promise, we'll always get through it", he said softly, kissing the top of her head.

"I've never told anyone about my mother before. No one else knows", she confessed.

"Why did you tell me?"

Meredith sniffled slightly. "I just thought you should know. I wanted you to know. I probably should have told you before. It's just…"

"It's okay. I understand. It's painful to talk about something like that…", he said sympathetically.

"I was always going to tell you. It's just…not easy to work that into a conversation."

Derek squeezed her gently in his embrace. "I know", he whispered. "Let's just sleep, okay?"

"I love you", she said with a soft smile, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

"I love you, too", he said, returning the smile. He pulled the blanket up over both of them and she snuggled against him, her head still resting on his chest. Within minutes, he heard the faint snores coming from her small body. Today had certainly worn her out, both physically and emotionally. His heart ached with sadness for her, and yet he admired her for her bravery and strength. Keeping something like that to herself for so many years could not have been easy for her. And he was glad that she told him, no matter how painful. He knew a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

She had told him about the unofficial funeral of depositing Ellis's ashes in the scrub room at Seattle Grace with Richard, but he didn't know she had saved some of her mother's remains. Spreading the rest of the ashes on their land was a beautiful idea, and once again, he was taken aback by Meredith's gracious gesture of making peace once and for all with her dead mother.

Derek lazily ran his fingers through Meredith's long honey blonde hair strewn across her shoulders. Her eyelashes were still damp with tears as she slept peacefully, the heartache of the day diminishing as she dreamt. He wished he could make it all better. He wished that when she woke up, all of the pain would vanish. No one should ever have to go through something like that, especially an innocent five year old girl. A girl with traumatic memories that stayed with her through to adulthood. A girl whose father had seemingly disappeared forever with no explanation. A girl whose mother never wanted her, who tells her she was a mistake, a burden, ordinary. He was determined to make sure she never felt that way ever again. He would spend a lifetime proving to her that she was indeed extraordinary.

--

The following weekend, when they had a day off, they drove out to the land to spread the remainder of the ashes. Meredith kept the bag in her safe grip as they made the short walk to the location of the house.

"The backyard, right?", Derek asked softly as he held her hand.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah", Meredith answered, snapping out of her thoughts.

Derek kissed her cheek. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I am", she assured him with a small smile. She had to do this. She knew this would bring her peace.

They made their way into the backyard, where a white picket fence was in the process of being built. Meredith had once sworn to herself that she wouldn't let her one night stands lead to a future of white picket fences or kids, but in the case of Meredith and Derek, it did. She found herself laughing softly at the irony.

"Here's good", she said quietly. They stood in the middle of the backyard facing their home.

"Okay", Derek said with a smile, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before letting go so she could open the bag full of mommy. There wasn't much left, but enough so they could each have a handful.

Meredith scooped some into her cupped hands and looked at Derek, nodding slightly. Derek took that as his cue and reached into the bag to collect some of the ash and dust. "Did you want to say anything?", he asked gently.

"I um…I'm not very good at this, but…", she took a deep breath. "I forgive you, mom. I have to. I can't…keep grudges or be angry. I have to let go. And I know that we never found common ground while you were alive, but I like to think we've made peace." Meredith could feel the tears falling down her cheeks. Derek, too, found his own eyes stinging with tears.

"You taught me a lot, mom. You taught me to be strong…to be independent. But I did something you never taught me to do. Something I did for myself. I found extraordinary love, mom. I found Derek. He loves me. And I love him. I love him more than anything else in the world. And I just…I wanted you to know that. I want you to know that I'm okay. I'm happy…and I'm loved." Meredith wiped a few tears off with the shoulder of her coat, her hands still holding her mother's remains.

"And I know you felt most at home in the OR, but I thought that you could also feel at home here…in our home. I want you to be a part of our lives. I want you to know your grandchildren. Because they'll know who you were. You'll always be a part of our family, mom. I know you didn't believe in anything, but I like to think you're always here, watching over us. You did your best, mom. And I'm going to do my best, too. I'm going to be the best wife and mother I can be. I'm proud of myself, mom. And I hope you're proud of me too." Meredith took a deep breath before spreading her fingers apart slightly, letting some of the ashes fall to the soft green grass at their feet. "I love you, mommy", she whispered.

Despite the tears blurring his vision, Derek managed to follow her lead, some of the ashes mixing with hers in the wind and blowing across the expanse of their backyard. "She loves you, too."

Meredith looked up at him and smiled. "I know", she said softly, tears still rolling down her face.

After they had sprinkled the rest of Ellis's ashes, Meredith closed her eyes and breathed in and out for a few moments, perhaps in a silent prayer. Derek stood beside her in silence, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close to him.

Maybe everything Meredith had gone through had happened for a reason. Or maybe life had played a cruel joke on her. Whatever the reason, it made her the person she is today. Loving, brilliant, determined, compassionate, strong.

Extraordinary.

She wouldn't let her mother's past determine her own future. She was healing, and Derek would be with her every step of the way.

The idea of spreading Ellis's ashes was borrowed with permission from GreysAddict522, so she gets all of the credit. Thanks again!

Reviews mean the world to me.