58. Forgiveness

Disclaimer: I wish, but no. It's not mine.

Just a reminder - this chapter picks up where the last one left off.

The monitors beeped in a continuous pattern, one after the other. A sign that that Aaron's heart was still beating. He was alive. Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He hadn't spoken to Meredith since lunch time, and he was fairly certain that she was upset. He considered paging her to an on-call room so they could talk things over while they had a few minutes of free time, but then a nurse paged him to Aaron's room, which meant talking to her would have to wait.

Mark appeared in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. "How's he doing?"

"Okay for now. He's more stable now than he was before but...still not great," Derek said tiredly, wiping his eyes with the backs of his wrists.

"It's a shame, you know," Mark began. He took a seat next to Derek and leaned back, ankles crossed comfortably. "Growing up like that. Wasn't fun for me either. Of course, I was never struck by lightning, so I guess I got lucky..." When Mark glanced over at Derek, he noticed the forlorn expression on his face and frowned. "What's wrong with you?"

Normally Mark wasn't the one Derek went to for advice of any kind, but he realized that his best friend might have more insight on Meredith's perspective than he himself did. "Mer--she's upset over the case. I know it's...hard on her. You know what kind of childhood she had. I told her that I'd understand if she wanted off the case, but then she got defensive, told me she was fine. I dunno. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut," he said, managing a slight laugh.

"Of course it's tough on her. Her mother? Kind of a bitch. And it doesn't make it any easier that Grey had to be the one to comfort the kid's mom. I get that," Mark said with a nod.

"I probably shouldn't bring up personal stuff with her at work, but I just...she's my wife. When I know she's upset, I can't just do nothing," Derek stressed.

Mark shrugged. "Well, obviously."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you love that girl more than anything else in the world. Of course you're gonna try and help her," Mark explained, simple and to the point.

"Yeah," he whispered.

"So what're you gonna do?" Mark asked.

Derek looked to the frail five year old in the hospital bed, his internal organs exposed and covered with a layer of plastic. That was tragic. A small fight with his wife was something that could be easily fixed. He turned to Mark. "Can you sit in here with him? I'm gonna go talk to Meredith."

"Yeah," Mark nodded. "Go."

Derek smiled softly, patting Mark's shoulder. "Thanks." He left the room and went to search down his wife. As he walked to the nurses' station to see if they could have her paged, he glanced at the OR board, stopping short when he saw her name written in the resident slot for a gastric perforation that was currently being performed in OR 2 with Bailey. Derek exhaled deeply and leaned against the staircase behind him. She'd actually taken herself off the case.

"Damn it," he sighed.

Hunt came up next to him, noticing the stressed look on his face. "What's up?"

Derek let out a small laugh. He didn't want to bore a colleague with his fight with Meredith, so he simply shook his head. "Nothing. Just one of those days," he said. "I think we should get Aaron back into the OR soon. If we wait too long, we're risking him getting cyanotic and his organs dying."

"Okay then, let's go," Owen agreed before noticing Meredith's name on the OR board. "Meredith's not scrubbing in on him?"

"No, she uh...I guess she got herself reassigned," Derek said as the two men walked back to the little boy's room, ready to go in an operate again. If there was one day that they needed a miracle, it was today.

--

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith greeted as she walked into the OR, fully scrubbed in and ready to operate.

At the sound of his wife's voice, Derek turned his head curiously. "Dr. Shepherd," he returned. "Happy to have you here," he said quietly before handing her the suctioning tool.

"Just needed a gastric perf. to clear my mind," Meredith stated simply. "How's he doing?"

"Okay for now," Derek answered.

As he removed the aneurysm, he tried to get a feel for Meredith's mood. She'd been short with him when she first entered, which could also be chalked up to professionalism, something they strived to keep within the walls of the hospital. When he leaned in a little closer, she didn't pull away. Their shoulders touched and he swore he heard her let out the smallest of sighs, the kind she made when they were usually cuddled in bed. Maybe she wasn't annoyed with him, maybe she was. Instead of asking her though, he moved the conversation elsewhere.

"How was the gastric perf?" he asked.

Meredith made the smallest noise of disgust. "Good up until the intestines starting oozing all over the place. Bailey let me stitch it back together though."

"Really?" Derek asked, looking to her briefly. He really wasn't surprised; Meredith was brilliant and a task like that would of course be a piece of cake for her. Still though, he couldn't hide his pride.

"Yep."

"I'm glad you came back here," Derek confessed, carefully clipping the aneurysm from the boy's brain.

On cue, Meredith gently suctioned around the areas as Derek worked. "Why wouldn't I be here?" she asked.

"I saw your name on the board. I wasn't sure you'd be finished in time," he explained, occasionally looking up to the monitor to make sure Aaron's pressures remained steady.

"I told you I'd be here," Meredith shrugged. "He's my patient too."

"Dr. Shepherd, I've done as much as I can with his leg. It should be fully functional with some PT," Callie said from her spot at the operating table. "If you want, I can go give his mom an update after I scrub out," she offered.

Derek nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Torres."

"This kid's gonna spend a hell of a long time in recovery," Mark commented while making another attempt at a skin graft for the boy's shoulder. "These grafts alone are going to take months to heal."

"He's alive. That counts for something," Derek pointed out.

"Any word on where the father is?"

Owen sighed and shook his head. "When the mother was talking to Social Services, she said he was away on some sort of business trip--in Wisconsin or something. Apparently, he's flying in tonight, but I don't know for sure."

"Well, let's hope he's a better parent than she is," Mark said bluntly.

"I'm guessing that if he's away enough for the mother to have a boyfriend, he's probably not wining 'Father of the Year' any time soon," Meredith pointed out as she continued to probe and suction the portion of the brain Derek was working on.

"Before this turns into an episode of Dr. Phil, how about we focus on keeping the patient alive," Derek suggested.

Meredith turned to her husband and looked at him dryly. "Are you...seriously?"

"What?"

"You really don't get what's so wrong about this?" she asked accusingly.

"What's wrong is that there's a five year old boy on this table that woke up this morning and didn't think he'd be torn to pieces by lightning bolts. And as his doctors, we need to make sure he survives. We can't think about what his mother did or didn't do. It happened. It happened and we need to fix it," Derek said calmly.

"If it were our child on here, I don't think you'd feel so black and white about it," Meredith countered. It was like lunchtime all over again, taking out frustrations with the case in what was quite possibly the worst setting imaginable, standing over an open brain.

Mark looked up from his skin grafts with wide eyes. "Grey, are you pregnant?"

"Why does everyone always assume I'm pregnant?" she asked, exasperated. "No, I'm not pregnant. Just using a metaphor."

"I was gonna say..." Mark sighed in relief. "As future uncle, I would need to know these things."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You'll be the first to know, no worries," she said sarcastically.

She and Derek could see Mark grin under his surgical mask. "Okay then."

"I'm not trying to start anything," Meredith said casually. "I was just talking. Sorry for expressing my opinion..."

"Mer, I wasn't trying to--" Derek began before Owen interrupted, the one who'd been caught in the crossfire of the conversations going on all around him.

"So how about the Seahawks game last night? Hasselbeck threw some nice passes," Owen said with a smile.

Mark chimed in, seeming to forget about the previous discussion. "Seahawks fan?"

"Yeah. Why, you're not?" Owen asked as he stitched.

"Nah, Giants..."

As the two men chatted away, Derek glanced over to Meredith, trying to read any expressions she held in her face. He was fairly certain she was upset with him, but knew there was a good chance she'd get even more pissed if he brought it up. So instead of adding to the awkwardness, Derek just joined in on the conversation with Mark and Owen, simply as a way to avoid the unusual silence with his wife. Whatever she needed to say, he knew she would wait to say it until later when they were alone.

--

Since scrubbing out, Meredith hadn't talked to Derek at all. She'd told him that she would take Aaron to post-op and would page him if the little boy had any complications. Aaron had pulled through surgery without coding, and to the surprise of all of them, seemed to be doing well. With the proper care, all of the surgeons on his case were fairly certain that he'd pull through and get better.

The remainder of his surgery passed awkwardly; Meredith gave the occasional yes or no answer if Derek asked her a question, but they were otherwise silent. Meredith could tell he was itching to say something, but chose not to. If Owen and Mark weren't around, she knew he would have. The lines between personal and professional were always blurred when a husband and wife happened to be working in the same OR. Anything that needed to be discussed always had to wait until they were alone, which was sometimes not an easy thing to accomplish in a populated hospital.

Meredith checked her watch. When the time staring back at her read 5:51, she sighed in relief. Nine minutes until her shift ended. She walked into the resident lounge to change and found a note in her cubby from Derek.

Mer-

Emergency surgery on Mrs. Wagner. Meet you at home. Love you.

Love, Derek

Meredith dropped down onto the bench and kicked off her shoes. It had been a long, exhausting day; there was nothing more she wanted to do than go home. Going home with Derek was what she'd most prefer, but it looked like that wasn't happening tonight. She pulled off her scrubs and changed back into her shirt and jeans. After packing up her bag, she grabbed her umbrella--the one she'd shared with Derek when they came in this morning, then left the lounge.

She checked the OR board, immediately spotting Derek's name. The surgery he was scrubbed in on shouldn't take any more than an hour, two at most. While walking toward the elevator, Meredith passed by Aaron's room. Monitors and machines everywhere, breathing tubes and bandages. And the boy's mother sitting at his bedside, holding his hand. Meredith knew it would be difficult, but she knew she had to seek her peace with the woman. Taking a deep breath, she entered the sliding glass door and gave Aaron's mother a small smile when she turned her head.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd--Meredith. We met earlier. I'm one of your son's doctors. I...my shift is over, but I just wanted to see how he was doing," Meredith said softly, setting down her bag and umbrella, then taking the available seat next to the woman.

"Oh. He's uh...well, honestly I don't know. Do you, I mean, do you think he looks okay?" Mrs. Decker asked nervously as she held her son's hand.

Meredith nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, he's--his body has been through a lot of trauma, but he looks good."

"I almost let my son die in the backyard today," the woman choked out, sobs suddenly wracking her body.

"Mrs. Decker, I--"

"Lisa," she said politely as she wept.

"Lisa," Meredith said softly. "I can't even imagine how hard this is, but you can't let guilt get the best of you. We all make mistakes. It doesn't mean you don't love your son," Meredith said supportively, handing Mrs. Decker a few tissues. No matter her feelings for Aaron's mother, she couldn't leave her in here crying. Looking at her son in that hospital bed was more punishment than any parent deserved.

The woman remained silent for a few moments, looking at her bruised, broken five year old as he lie sleeping. "I got married at twenty-one," she said quietly, running her finger over her son's unharmed arm. Meredith nodded slowly and waited for her to continue.

"My husband, Pete, he was twenty five. He'd just graduated from law school and he got a great job at a firm, so I said yes. I finished college, and that summer, we got married. Five months later, I got pregnant with Aaron. We were secure enough that I could be a stay-at-home mom, so that's what I did," she explained. "We were happy."

"So what happened?" Meredith asked. It was a reasonable question, she surmised. Usually when people cheat on their husbands, they have a reason for it. Maybe not Ellis Grey, considering Thatcher seemed to be a loving husband and father, but then again, Ellis Grey wasn't exactly the poster child for normalcy.

"When I agreed to marry him, I didn't agree to raising our son practically by myself. I mean, I knew Pete would have to spend a lot of time at work. You know, late nights at the office and trips here and there. But I thought that as Aaron grew up, he'd want to be at home more. But as he got more successful, the more he had to travel and...it went from coming home at three in the morning to trips all over the country for all sorts of things--and I know he only does it because he loves us, but I don't know. I got lonely, I guess," Lisa confessed guiltily.

Meredith listened as the story unfolded. If anything, she was coming to understand how the boy's mother felt. Loneliness was once something Meredith had to deal with on a daily basis. Up until she met the love of her life. Hearing Lisa's story made her thankful that she and Derek would never let their own marriage play out the same way.

"And then I met Dave. And when I was having a bad day, he would come over and we would talk. He was my friend, and one day we just..." she trailed off.

"Fell in love?" Meredith offered.

Lisa looked over to Meredith with red-rimmed eyes and nodded. "Yeah. We did."

"So what happens now?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know." Lisa let out a painful sigh and wiped her eyes with her tissue. "I know you must think I'm a terrible person."

"I don't," Meredith corrected. "Falling in love really isn't one of those things that we have any control over. What happened to your son is terrible, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You're doing the best you can do. And that's all anybody can do..." she said, taking Lisa's hand in her own. Meredith had said the same words to her mother a little over a year ago, and somehow they resonated for Aaron's mother as well.

"I love my son so much," she whispered, gently lifting Aaron's hand and kissing the top of it. "My job is to protect him, and I didn't."

Meredith shook her head. "You couldn't have known. And he's alive. That's...it's a miracle, and those are hard to come by. He's surrounded by world class surgeons and if he stays strong like he is now, he'll walk out of here in a few weeks. And no matter what happens, he's your son, and you two love each other."

"Do you have any children?" Lisa asked with a soft smile.

"Oh um, no actually. One day, but not yet," Meredith said, shaking her head.

"You're going to be a good mother, I can tell," she complimented. "I saw how you cared for my son today and...I'm just grateful for everything you've done for him."

Meredith smiled. "Thank you," she whispered. "I'll come back in the morning to check on you and Aaron. Do you need anything before I go? Some coffee or--?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Thank you though," Lisa said graciously. "And thank you for talking with me. It's...I really appreciate it."

Meredith stood up from her chair and grabbed her belongings off the floor next to her. She patted Lisa's shoulder softly. "You're welcome."

--

It was close to eight o'clock when Derek walked in the front door, bearing with him take-out and a bottle of wine. Meredith muted the TV and pulled her legs up on the couch, wanting nothing more than to make up with him. She leaned over the wrap-around couch to scratch Charlie's head before reaching for the blanket draped over the cushion next to him.

"Hey," Derek greeted softly. He dropped his keys on the table in the foyer, removed his shoes and coat, and set the wine and some plastic bags full of some deliciously smelling food down on the coffee table in front of her.

"What's that?" Meredith asked.

Derek sat down next to his wife on the couch and kissed her cheek. "Italian. Or as I like to call it, my peace offering."

"I'm not mad," she said softly. "I mean, I was annoyed earlier, but I get it. You love me. And you were just trying to look out for me."

"I'm still sorry though. I shouldn't have suggested that you take yourself off his case. You're strong. I've seen you handle tough cases better than I ever could. Aaron is a fighter just like you. I've always loved that about you. And I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't strong enough to handle it."

"It's okay," Meredith whispered, taking his hand and lacing their fingers. "You know I talked to Aaron's mom."

Derek set his arm on the top of the couch and took a wavy lock of her hair between his fingers. "You did?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, moving closer to her husband. "She's a mess," she sighed. "But she loves her son."

"She does," Derek agreed.

Meredith let out a breath. "I shouldn't have been so hostile--not to you and especially not in the OR. Crappy childhood memories still get to me, I guess..." she said apologetically.

"And that makes you a better doctor," Derek said definitively. "Because you know what it's like, and you hate to see it happen to anyone else. And it's why you're going to be an amazing mother one day," he said, pride filled tears in his eyes as he kissed her forehead.

She leaned into his body, breathing him in. Meredith splayed her palm over his cheek and felt the familiar stubble on her skin. "Promise me that what happened to Aaron will never happen to any of our kids, because I don't think I could live with myself if it did."

"Our kids are going to be the happiest, most loved kids ever," Derek whispered into her hair. "Because they'll be ours."

Meredith kissed him then, the first kiss they'd shared since waking up fifteen hours ago. The feeling of his lips on hers made Meredith moan into his mouth and Derek easily pulled his wife into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her back, hugging her close. When their lips pulled apart, she ran her fingers through his hair, eventually settling to play with the curls at the nape of his neck. "I love you, Derek," she said softly.

"I love you too, so much," Derek echoed, giving her a gentle squeeze and resting his chin on her shoulder. "You hungry?"

"Yeah," she said, shimmying off his lap and onto the cushion next to him.

"Good, because I bought a lot," he laughed as he took the take-out containers from the bag and set them on the table.

Meredith smiled. "What'd you get?"

"Chicken parm, manicotti, salad, breadsticks..." Derek shrugged.

"Uh huh," she giggled. "Trying to make up with me by using food?" Meredith called teasingly as Derek walked into the kitchen for utensils and wine glasses.

He came back into the living room and smiled at her. "Well now that I know you're not mad at me, I can admit it," he joked.

"Using food always works, just for future reference."

"So does this mean we're having make-up sex tonight, too?" Derek smirked.

Meredith pressed a kiss to Derek's cheek. "Well, obviously."