80. Today Has Been Okay Pt 2

Disclaimer: Grey's belongs to Shonda. Not me.

This chapter picks up right where the last one left off. Enjoy.

Meredith's eyes flicked back and forth between both surgeries, trying to focus on the brain instead of the baby they'd be pulling from Claire's uterus minutes from now. You can do this, you can do this, she chanted to herself. She sidled up next to Derek and tried to relax. Even just brushing up against him made her feel better.

"Meredith, you can go," Derek said in a hushed whisper so no one could hear him but her. He knew that no matter how hard she tried not to be affected, it was useless.

"I can do this," she said weakly.

Dr. Jensen, the obstetrician, asked the scrub nurse for a scalpel, and Meredith swallowed difficultly. Hot tears stung her eyes. She could feel her heart thudding in her chest. She needed out. Now.

"Meredith." Derek took the suctioner away from her and frowned sadly beneath his mask. "Mer," he repeated.

"I have to...I can't." She shook her head. "Derek, I can't."

"Go," he said, pointing to the OR doors. "Just go. It's okay."

A tear slipped from her eye and was soaked up by her scrub mask. "I..."

"Meredith, please leave," Derek nearly begged. "I don't want you in here for this."

Meredith's stomach churned, and she could sense the vomit rising in her throat. She quickly turned around, clutching her belly as she exited the OR. Her mind was on overdrive as she navigated through the halls toward the bathroom. When she finally reached it, she flung open the nearest stall door and retched into the toilet, barely pulling her mask off in time.

She took in ragged breaths in between throwing up, attempting to get oxygen into her lungs. To feel herself breathing. Minutes passed before she'd expelled everything in her, and she had just enough energy to flush before collapsing against the wall. "I'm sorry. It's okay," she soothed her belly, splaying her hand over her bump. "I won't let that happen to you."

The bathroom door opened and Cristina nearly walked right by her friend before she noticed Meredith hunched in front of the wall, choking on her sobs. "Mer?"

Meredith said nothing, just shook her head, letting the tears drip down onto the knees of her scrub pants. She look up and Cristina and went to speak, but nothing came out. Cristina's eyes grew wide with concern and she knelt down next to her, placing a cautious hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"Mer, what is it?" Cristina asked. "Are you okay?"

"No," Meredith whimpered.

Cristina slumped down on the floor, pulling some toilet paper off the roll and handing it to Meredith so she could wipe her tear stained face. "Mer, talk to me," she said. This wasn't familiar territory for them, the talking thing. But as her person, Cristina knew her friend needed her.

"My patient. Her baby. She was sixteen weeks and then...now the baby is dead and - I couldn't stay. I couldn't watch them..." Her voice trailed off and she sighed heavily. "I just had to leave."

"Okay," Cristina said softly, glancing to Meredith's growing stomach. She, too, cared about the baby inside her friend, just as much as she cared about Meredith. And though she'd only admit it grudgingly, Derek too. "You're okay though, right? And the baby?"

Meredith nodded as she wiped her nose with the wad of toilet paper. "We're fine. But she isn't. She's going to wake up and -" Another round of bile burned her esophagus and she quickly raised herself onto her knees, waiting for the vomiting to overtake her again. But there was nothing left. She coughed a few times then rejoined her friend on the floor.

"She'll be okay," Cristina said in an attempt to calm Meredith down. "Right now, it sucks. But she will be okay."

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, hoping beyond hope it was true, because hope was all she had. She rested her head on Cristina's shoulder and sighed. Right now, her friend was the next best thing to her husband.

"Are you...did you want me to page Derek?" she offered.

Meredith shook her head, softly blowing her nose. "No, he's in surgery. He can't let her die."

"Okay," Cristina agreed. "Well, let's go upstairs then. And I'll, um, bring you some food or something..." She gently tugged on Meredith's arm and they stood back up on their feet. As much as Meredith felt the compulsion to lie down on the floor, she had to admit, Cristina was right. She couldn't stay there all day.

They managed to make it to the elevator and up to the fifth floor to Derek's office, when Meredith remembered she'd left her keys locked inside. "Crap. We're locked out. My keys are on the desk."

"What about his keys?"

"Probably with him." Meredith bit her lip and sighed. She felt her stomach gurgling as the need to eat came over her. "It's okay; I'll just go in the lounge down the hall. You can go back to work; I don't want you getting in trouble," she said.

Cristina shrugged. "Owen's in charge of the pit. He'll understand. Besides, there's not much left down there anyway."

"'Kay," Meredith said softly, placing a comforting hand over her belly as they walked down the hall toward the lounge. She pushed the door open and thanked her lucky stars when she saw that it was empty.

"Holy crap," Cristina said. "It's like Caesar's frigging palace in here..."

"Yeah, well, you know. Fancy attendings need fancy things they never use..." Meredith said sarcastically, sitting down on the leather couch.

Cristina grumbled in agreement as she looked around, taking in all of the perks that came along with being an attending. "Something to look forward to," she said. "Lucky bitches."

Meredith laughed a little at that, the first smile she'd cracked in hours. "I know," she concurred.

"Are you and McBaby hungry? I'll go get food," Cristina offered, grabbing the remote off the table and flipping on the TV mounted on the wall.

"Yeah, I should probably eat something," Meredith said, kicking off her shoes. "Something bland, so I don't see it again in an hour, please."

"Got it."

Meredith lay back on the couch and rested her socked feet on the arm of it. In the back of her mind, she knew if Bailey caught her and Cristina lounging around, she'd probably kill them. But she figured this was safer than practicing medicine today. She needed a time out to let herself unwind.

She pulled her phone from her pocket and texted Derek, letting him know that she was okay. Well, not okay. But better than she'd been a few minutes ago. Meredith knew that he was worried about her, and would come looking for her after Claire's surgery.

In the attending lounge. Cristina is with me. I'm okay. Love you.

After pushing send, she let out a breath and her hands fell instinctively to her belly. She'd gotten so used to it being there, however small it was still. "I love you," Meredith whispered to the bump. She felt the familiar feeling of the popping bubbles going on inside and smiled. Perhaps the baby's way of saying it back to her. Their lemon-sized baby provided her with a sense of comfort that was unmatched except for Derek.

Cristina came back eventually with a bag full of food, which they ate lazily while they hid out and watched afternoon television. No one had paged them yet, questioning their whereabouts, so they took it as a sign that they were in the clear. Afterward, now more relaxed and no longer hungry, Meredith's exhaustion finally hit and the need to sleep overtook her.

"What're you doing?" Cristina asked, watching as Meredith repositioned herself on the couch so that her head rested on her friend's lap.

Meredith put a pillow between her knees for back support and kept one hand still protectively draped over her abdomen. "Sleeping," she said softly.

"On me?"

"Just for a pillow," Meredith responded.

"You're lucky you're pregnant, or I'd kick your ass," Cristina chided, putting her feet up on the coffee table in front of them so she, too, could recline more comfortably.

Meredith smiled tiredly. "I'm glad I'm pregnant then."

Hours passed before anyone walked in the lounge, and when Cristina heard the clicking of the knob, she turned around quickly, expecting to get a verbal ass kicking for going MIA. So she breathed a sigh of relief when Derek entered the room, a tired smile on his face.

"Hey," he greeted, walking over and dropping down on the coffee table in front of them. When he saw Meredith sleeping on the couch, he was glad for it. "How is she?"

"Better. She was pretty upset when I found her," Cristina said, Meredith's head still resting on her lap.

Derek frowned. "Where'd you find her?"

"Bathroom. She threw up, I think; and then she was crying. But I talked her down," she told Derek. "Then we came up here, ate, and she fell asleep."

"Thank you, Cristina," Derek said sincerely. "That's...I appreciate it."

Cristina nodded in recognition and looked down to her friend. "It's no problem. Better than being stuck in the pit."

"Yeah," Derek concurred. "So, look, would you mind hanging out here for an hour? I need to go check on post-ops and talk to some families about patient statuses."

"Yeah, whatever," Cristina yawned, popping a chip into her mouth. "It's like a resort spa in here anyway. Just don't rat me out for sitting on my ass or I'll blame your pregnant wife."

"Secret's safe," he said. He handed Cristina the keys Meredith had accidentally left locked in his office. "If she wakes up before I get back, can you give her these, in case she needs to go into the office for something? She forgot them earlier."

Cristina took the keys from him and set them on the arm of the couch. "Yeah. Oh, hey, how's that patient?"

Derek ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, his eyes trained on Meredith's belly. "Alive. Devastated, but alive."

"Sucks," Cristina sighed.

"Yeah." He leaned over the couch then pressed a kiss to the top of Meredith's head, careful not to wake her. "Alright, I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Okay," she replied. Cristina turned her head toward the door. "Hey, just so you know, when it comes time for fellowship applications, I expect a glowing recommendation, Shepherd."

"Got it," Derek called out, waving in acknowledgement before exiting the room.

By the time he got back, almost an hour had passed, and Meredith was finally awake, sitting on the couch with Cristina. He smiled when he saw her watching some sitcom with her friend, eating some graham crackers.

"Hey," he said.

Meredith raised her eyes to meet her husband's and mirrored the small smile on his face. "Hey."

"Before this gets awkward, I'm gonna go," Cristina announced as she raised herself up off the couch and slipped her shoes back on.

"Thank you for today," Meredith told her friend meekly, almost seeming embarrassed for her freak out earlier in the day. "I'm glad you were there."

Cristina patted Meredith's shoulder. "Yeah."

"Thanks, Yang," Derek echoed.

Once the two were alone in the lounge, he dropped down on the cushion Cristina had been occupying. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, running a tired hand over her belly.

"Mer, look..."

"Can we just go home? We can talk, but...home first?" she asked. The day had been draining, and there was nothing more she wanted than leave work.

Derek nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

As the details of the day flooded her brain again, Meredith fought back the tears that she could feel burning in her eyes while she got changed out of her scrubs and back into her clothes. She smoothed her shirt over her bump and inhaled deeply. "We're going home," she whispered to her belly. She was thankful for the growing person inside her, even more so after today.

...

The drive home was nearly silent. Derek wasn't sure what to say. He was still reliving the surgery today over and over again in his mind. Meredith panicking and running out; and him, unable to follow her because of his duty as Claire's surgeon. Then the sinking feeling in his stomach as the stillborn fetus was pulled from Claire's uterus. As a surgeon, he was trained to focus on the medicine. But as a husband, as well as a father to his and Meredith's unborn child, it was impossible to witness something like that and not be affected. The what ifs plagued his mind. What if it happened to them? How would they move on with life? Could they? Irrational, yes. But as a parent-to-be, completely natural.

Meredith stared blankly out the passenger side window, watching the raindrops slide down the glass. December always brought cold, rainy spells to Seattle, and it was appropriate on a day like this one. She sighed quietly and leaned her forehead against the glass; the cold moisture against her skin was refreshing. Her mind was so busy moving in ten different directions that when Derek pulled into their driveway, she did a double take, wondering how they'd gotten from there to here without her even noticing. Kind of like life.

Once inside the house, Meredith kicked her shoes off in the foyer and smiled slightly at Derek. "Do you mind if I go take a shower?"

"Not at all." Derek shook his head and kissed her cheek, then bent down to pet Charlie as he ran in to greet them.

"Okay," Meredith said, scratching Charlie behind the ears before going upstairs.

"What should we have for dinner, buddy?" Derek asked Charlie as he walked into the kitchen.

Charlie just yawned, following Derek, and he laughed. "Very helpful; thanks."

As he went to open the fridge, the ultrasound picture fell off the door and onto the floor. Derek bent down to pick it up and smiled at the 3-d image of their baby, small and completely beautiful, safe inside of Meredith. It was surreal, really, even to think that their child would be born this time next year, that they would have a six month old baby in the house.

Derek wiped the tears from his eyes and let out a breath. It was...thrilling. And it made him grateful for every day leading up to May 29th. "I love you," he whispered, running his finger over the outline of the baby's body.

He placed it back on the fridge, then he heated up some leftover chicken parm and spaghetti and made them each a dish. Cooking something from scratch was just not on the agenda today, not when he and Meredith wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed.

When Meredith eventually entered the kitchen, she smiled at him. Even with damp hair and decked out in his Bowdoin sweatshirt and some gray pajama pants, she was still glowy and beautiful. "Hey," she said.

"Hey," Derek returned, grabbing some napkins. "Food's done. Wanna eat in the living room?"

"Yeah, sure," Meredith shrugged. She took their drink cups, forks, and knives; and Derek followed behind her holding their plates, with Charlie in tow.

They seated themselves on the couch, and Meredith sidled up against him. Just having him close to her helped. "Today sucked," she sighed, twirling some noodles onto her fork.

Derek kissed the top of her head comfortingly. "I know," he said softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

In the past, she would have given him her trademark answers: a simple 'no' or an annoyed 'I'm fine' or a blunt 'don't.' But now, Meredith was never hesitant. Talking helped, and she knew Derek was there for her, unconditionally.

Meredith sighed. "Just a bad day," she said. "We're trained not to get emotional - to only look at things from a medical perspective. But I put myself in Claire's place. I tried not to, but I did. And I don't know what I would do if that happened to us."

"Mer, we can't think like that," Derek said, setting his plate on his lap and wrapping his arm around Meredith's shoulders. "I know it's only natural, but we have to try not to. It'll drive us crazy if we do that."

"I know," she acknowledged. She looked to Derek with teary eyes and smiled. "But we're parents now."

Chills ran through him when she said that. They were parents, even though the baby was lemon-sized and still living inside Meredith. They would be parents forever. "And that changes everything..." Derek added.

"It does," Meredith said softly, taking his hand and resting it over her belly, and placing her hand on top. "I love our baby so much," she whispered as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. "I'd lay my life on the line for him or her in a split second. And you. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost either one of you. If I were Claire, I would have wished for death, rather than deal with that loss."

Derek hugged her closer and pressed a kiss to her temple. "I know," he whispered. "You two are the most important people in my life. I can't even imagine that. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it."

"Were you there? You know, when they found out?" Meredith asked hesitantly, unsure of whether or not she wanted the answer.

"I was, yeah," Derek admitted. He felt his stomach flip flop as he thought back to it. The surgery, and then the OB telling Claire and her husband what happened afterward. It was the worst part of the job, the part that made him hate being a surgeon sometimes.

Meredith's stomach growled. Crying and chowing down on dinner at the same time wasn't an easy task, but she had to eat for the baby's sake. She took a bite of chicken and chewed. "I guess that's why people think we're crazy for having a baby right now."

"Who thinks we're crazy?" Derek asked.

"I dunno. Cristina still can't believe I let you knock me up. I mean, she's supportive and everything, but I guess she has a point. I'm only a fourth year resident. It doesn't happen that often...not planned, anyway," Meredith said. "If my mother were alive and lucid, I know she'd be...not supportive, to put it nicely."

"I think she'd be proud."

She looked at him strangely. "Why would she be proud?"

"You've done everything she could never do. You proved that you can have both. Family and surgery. And you'd be giving her a grandchild - her first grandchild," Derek smiled. "She's proud of you, Meredith. She's not here, but I know she's proud."

Meredith rested her head on his shoulder and kissed his neck. He had this way of always saying the right thing. She really loved that. "Yeah?"

"Mmhmm," Derek hummed.

"Even if she wasn't, I wouldn't care," Meredith said. She raised her eyes to meet his and smiled at her husband. "Because I know we can do this, Derek. No matter what anyone says. I know we can."

"I know we can, too," he echoed. "I'm not going to turn into your father. And you're not going to turn into your mother. I don't ever want you to worry about that. I'm in this forever, Meredith." He tilted her chin toward him and pressed his lips against hers gently.

She sighed at the contact and leaned into him. "So am I," Meredith whispered back.

"And this baby will know that. That we'll always be here for each other," Derek said, with an unquestionable confidence.

"Because we're a family," she said, their hands pressed to her belly.

Derek rested his head against hers, breathing in his wife. Lavender, her signature scent since that night at Joe's. And cocoa butter, her additional stretch mark-preventing, pregnancy aura.

Then and now. From a girl and a guy in a bar to a soon-to-be family of three. Thoughts like that gave days like this hope. Hope for their family, and all they would be.

He smiled softly. "We are."