87. Appreciating Everything

Disclaimer: Not mine.

I'm back at school now, which means less free time, but I'll do my best to update as often as I can. Thanks for being patient; I really appreciate it! :)

When they made it back to Jenna's room, three nurses were already there by her bedside, pushing meds into her IV in an attempt to stop the seizures. "What happened?" Derek asked, quickly flipping through Jenna's chart to see if there was something they missed.

"She just started seizing," one of the nurses said, holding Jenna's head still as they rolled the girl onto her side.

"Alright, push one of Phenobarbital," Derek instructed.

Meredith grabbed his arm. "Derek, she's pregnant."

"I know. But if we don't stop the seizure, her heart could stop, and they'd both die," he said, nodding for the nurse to push the Phenobarbital down the IV tube. "We need to book an OR. Page anyone from OB to do an emergency c-section. I need to go in. I may have missed a bleed."

"Right away," the nurse responded as she exited the room and ran toward the nurses' station.

Jenna's seizure ended only a few seconds after she was given the medicine, and she inhaled a breath, her eyes blinking rapidly as she came to.

Meredith took Jenna's hand and squeezed it. "You're okay," she said. "You had a seizure. We need to take you into surgery to deliver the baby, and Dr. Shepherd is going to fix whatever is wrong, okay?"

"I can't… I have no one," Jenna said weakly, as Meredith placed the oxygen mask over her mouth.

"You have me. I'm here," Meredith said.

"But the baby…"

Meredith nodded reassuringly. "After she's born, I'll go. I'll make sure she's taken care of. I don't want you to worry about anything, okay."

"OR 4 is being prepped now," one of the nurses said upon reentering the room.

"Thank you," Derek replied, before turning his attention to Jenna. "We just need you to stay calm. We're gonna take good care of you. And the baby."

Jenna nodded, and took hold of Meredith's hand. "Okay."

Within minutes, Jenna was being put under anesthesia, and Meredith and Derek were quickly scrubbing in. She tied her mask on, and looked to him. "She never had an MRI or a CT. How do you know what to look for?"

"I don't know," Derek confessed. "After the baby's out, we can do a portable CT in the OR. She banged up her forehead. There might be a frontal lobe bleed."

"I would stay and help, but—" Meredith started.

"It's okay. You promised Jenna. After the surgery's over, I'll come find you," Derek said, pressing a kiss to her temple before tying on his own mask.

"Okay," Meredith said softly.

After entering the OR, Derek took his place by Jenna's head, ready to cut as soon as the baby was delivered. And Meredith walked to the middle of the gurney on the other side of Dr. Jensen to assist on the c-section.

"Any word on whether she's keeping the baby?" Dr. Jensen asked Meredith as she made the incision on Jenna's belly.

Meredith shook her head. "I don't know. I don't think she's decided yet. All I know is that she's having a girl."

"Baby looked pretty good on the ultrasound. Let's hope for the best, considering she had no prenatal care," Dr. Jensen said.

"Hope so," Meredith agreed, pulling back on the retractor.

Dr. Jensen carefully pulled the baby from Jenna's uterus, and handed her over to Meredith to be checked out. Derek watched as Meredith walked the newborn girl over to the warmer, remarking at how gentle she was with her. He let himself revel in this for only a moment or two, then turned his attention to Dr. Jensen. "No complications?"

"Looks like we're in the clear," Dr. Jensen replied, making sure there was no unnecessary bleeding. "She got really lucky considering everything she's been through."

Derek nodded, accepting the drill from the neuro fellow standing to his left. "She really did."

"How's the baby looking?" Dr. Jensen asked Meredith.

The baby's loud wailing cry filled the room, and they all breathed a collective sigh of relief. "She looks good. Definitely has healthy lungs," Meredith said, listening to her heartbeat. Strong and steady; Meredith smiled. "She's perfect."

"Good. When you get her to the NICU, make sure to run an APGAR on her," Dr. Jensen requested.

Meredith wrapped the baby up in a pink blanket and knit cap, making sure she was warm and protected from outside germs. "Okay," she replied.

As she passed by Derek on her way out of the OR, she saw his eyes crinkle as he gave her a smile beneath his mask. She smiled back at him. The baby was okay. They just needed Jenna to be okay, too.

…

Hours passed before the surgery ended, long tedious hours Derek spent repairing the bleed in Jenna's brain. As he walked down the OB floor toward the nursery, he stifled a yawn and ran his hands over his tired eyes. The six AM wakeup call and the afternoon spent in the OR had worn him out; he wanted more than anything to sneak away to an on-call room with Meredith and sleep.

He smiled when he pushed open the door to the nursery, spotting Meredith rocking the newborn infant in the rocking chair, her eyes closed in relaxation as the tiny baby slept in her arms. Derek pulled up a chair next to her and kissed her cheek.

"Hey," he said softly, as to not startle her or wake the baby.

Meredith's eyes opened and she immediately looked down at the baby, making sure she was okay. "Hey," she echoed. "How's Jenna?"

"She's gonna be fine," Derek said reassuringly. "I got the bleed. She should be awake soon."

"Good," Meredith whispered.

"How's she doing?" Derek asked.

"She's good. Her APGAR was normal; no jaundice; no infections," Meredith told him, stroking the baby's cheek with her finger.

"Good," he said. "Have you been here the whole time?" Derek asked with a chuckle, brushing some hair from her face.

She shook her head. "No. While the nurses were cleaning her up and getting her prints, I went down and got a sandwich. I needed to eat. So did Blueberry," Meredith giggled.

"Hmm…twenty weeks from now, we'll be in the nursery rocking Blueberry like you are right now," Derek grinned.

Meredith shifted the baby to her other arm and squeezed Derek's hand. "And hopefully a name other than Blueberry will be on her birth certificate…" she joked.

"We'll find the perfect name for her, don't worry," Derek promised. "She'll be beautiful, so we need a name that's up to par. It's out there. We just haven't found it yet."

"Okay," Meredith said, leaning over to kiss him. She softly pressed her lips to his and smiled. "Hmm… I needed that."

"A kiss?"

"Yes. I also need sex, but seeing as we've been interrupted twice already today, a kiss will have to do for now," Meredith giggled. The baby whimpered in her arms and she patted her back soothingly. "It's okay," she cooed. "Der, can you get that bottle? I think she might be hungry."

"Yeah." Derek reached over for the bottle sitting next to the baby's chart and handed it to Meredith. "Look at you. You're a natural," he complimented, watching as she easily fed the infant.

"Well, I try," Meredith teased. "Wanna hold her?"

Derek shook his head. "Nah, that's okay. She's comfy with you."

"Come on. You know you want to…" Meredith coaxed, a smile on her face. She held the baby out for him to take, and he reached for her, readjusting the bottle in her mouth and resettling in the chair.

Tears burned Meredith's eyes as she watched her husband, and before she could stop it from happening, one rolled down her cheek. "Damn," she laughed, wiping it away. "Sorry. I can't help it. Stupid hormones."

"Hmm… if you're crying now, just wait until I'm holding our daughter," Derek pointed out, smirking at her amusedly. Before getting pregnant, Meredith wasn't a crier. But now, even the littlest things set off the waterworks.

"Yeah. I'll be a crying puddle of goo on the floor," she said. "We have to make sure Cristina isn't around when you're holding her, or I'll never live it down."

"I think she'll be excited, too," Derek said. "No matter how much she pretends not to be."

"What? About the baby?"

Derek nodded. "Yeah. She comes off tough as nails, but one look at our daughter, and I guarantee, her sweet, girly side will break free," he chuckled.

"I'm not sure Cristina has a sweet, girly side," Meredith giggled, tucking the baby's pink cap over her ears. "But maybe you're right. I mean Mark of all people has one of our ultrasound pictures on his fridge…"

"Already a proud uncle," Derek replied.

"Well, obviously. Our daughter is awesome," Meredith boasted playfully. She looked to the baby in Derek's arms and smiled sadly. "She's pretty great too, isn't she?"

"Hmm," Derek hummed. "She is."

"Before today, no one knew she existed. Not the best way to start a life," she sighed, letting the baby squeeze her finger as she continued sucking down the bottle Derek was feeding her.

"She'll have a good life. Just because it started out this way doesn't mean she's doomed. Jenna seems like a smart kid. No matter what her decision is, she'll do what's best for her daughter."

Meredith's pager went off and she quickly removed it from her hip, silencing it before the other babies in the nursery were startled. "Jenna's awake," she said.

"Alright, I'll come with you. I need to do a post-op exam," Derek said, removing the empty bottle from the baby's mouth and handing it to Meredith. He got up from the chair and gently placed her in her bassinet, re-swaddling her loosened blanket. "All set."

"You're a good swaddler," Meredith complimented, signing the baby out on the time chart. "You're gonna have to teach me how to do that."

Derek laughed. "Lots of practice with the nieces and nephews. I'll give you lessons," he joked as they walked out of the nursery toward Jenna's room, rolling the bassinet in front of them.

"Thanks," she smiled, leaning into him.

They reached Jenna's room moments later and wheeled the baby in, following right after. "Hi," Meredith greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," Jenna said, her eyes never leaving the bassinet that held her daughter. "I, um…" she hesitated. "Is she okay?"

"She's perfect," Meredith said with a reassuring smile. "No complications. She just had a bottle, actually."

Derek shined the penlight into her eyes and nodded, completing the routine neuro checks. After examining the incision site of her skull, he scribbled some brief notes down in Jenna's chart and flipped it closed. "You're looking great. I'll come to check on you in a little while, okay?" he said kindly.

"Okay; thanks," Jenna said softly.

On his way out of the room, Derek subtly gave Meredith's hand a gentle squeeze and she smiled at him. "See you later," he whispered, figuring that it would be easier for Jenna to talk to Meredith without him in the room… motherly bonding or whatever.

After Derek exited and the door clicked shut behind him, Meredith turned toward Jenna. "Would you like to hold her?"

"I…yeah, I guess," Jenna said, swallowing hard as she watched Meredith pick the baby up and walk her over to the bed.

"Here you go," Meredith said as she gently placed the baby in Jenna's arms. "It's okay; she won't break."

Jenna cradled the baby into her chest and sniffled as tears pooled in her eyes. "Wow."

Meredith pulled over a chair and sat down next to Jenna's bed, one hand resting over her belly. She felt the tiny ripples going on inside her, a sign that her daughter was busy moving around; Meredith smiled. After today, she'd never take that feeling for granted.

"She weighs seven pounds, three ounces," Meredith informed her. "Twenty inches long. Came out crying. She's completely healthy."

"She looks like me," Jenna said as a tear slipped down her cheek and splashed on the baby's blanket.

Meredith handed her a tissue. "She's beautiful."

"When do I… I mean, if I decided not to keep her, how long would I… would she be here?" Jenna asked.

"Well, that depends. Social Services would come talk to you, walk you through it. They would try to find a family for her as soon as they could," Meredith said before pausing. "Jenna, don't think that you have to give her away. I know you said your parents are going to make you do that, but they can't make you do anything. This is your decision. And either way, I'll help you as much as I can."

Jenna turned to Meredith and smiled. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because it's what I'd do if you were my daughter," Meredith said with a simple shrug, her hand still over her belly. "I know what it's like to feel like you have no one. And that sucks. And I don't want you to feel that way."

"You're gonna be a good mom," Jenna complimented her, wiping away the wetness on her cheeks.

"You could be, too," Meredith responded. She leaned back in the chair and tapped her fingers against her belly. "Want to know something?"

"Hmm?"

"Before I met my husband, I didn't want kids. I had a crappy childhood, and just turned myself off to the idea. No kids; no way," Meredith emphasized. "And then one day, I met this guy. Fast forward to now, we're having a baby together, and I've never been happier." She paused, running a hand through her hair. "But I also know what it's like to be seventeen. College… this whole plan for your life. And with a baby, those plans have to change, or be put on hold. What I'm saying is that whether or not you're the one to raise her, you'll always be her mother. And you'll do what's best for her."

More tears slipped from Jenna's eyes onto her cheeks and she nodded. "I can't do it. I can't keep her. I want her to have everything, and I love her enough to know that I can't do that."

Meredith brushed some hair from Jenna's face and nodded sympathetically. "Okay; It's okay," she said quickly, her eyes scanning the monitors to check for spikes in her blood pressure. Jenna was still post-op from brain surgery, and that wasn't far from Meredith's mind. "Listen, you don't have to make this decision now. You have time."

Jenna wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and looked down at the baby girl sleeping in her arms. "No, I… from the second I saw her on that ultrasound, I knew. I guess I just had to meet her first. To make sure I was doing the right thing. I'm giving her away because I love her."

Meredith felt the tears sting her own eyes, and she tried to swallow them away. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Jenna echoed, her voice cracking as she spoke. "I know it's the right thing."

"Okay," Meredith whispered, rolling her watch around her wrist as she contemplated what to say next. Again, this territory was as unfamiliar to Jenna as it was to Meredith. "Well, I um… do you want me to call down Social Services? If you wanted to spend some time with her, that's fine too.

"No, you should call them. The longer she's with me, the harder it'll be to let her go," Jenna said decidedly.

"And you're sure?" Meredith asked. "You don't want to talk to your family first?"

Jenna shook her head. "No. This is my decision. I don't want them to think they made it for me. She's my daughter; not theirs."

"Okay," Meredith replied, unsure of whether she was more proud or stunned. Actually a lot of both. "I'll be right back." She stood up from her chair and walked toward the door, waiting until she had one foot planted in the hallway before letting a tear slip from her eye.

"Meredith?" Jenna called out.

She quickly wiped the tear off her face and turned around, a small smile on her face. "Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" Meredith asked, her eyebrows knitted in confusion.

More tears spilled onto Jenna's cheeks and she managed a small, pained smile, the gravity of what she was doing washing over her. "I just… your daughter is lucky, that's all. She's lucky to have you as a mom."

Meredith's hand subconsciously traveled to her belly and she nodded. "So is your daughter."

…

By the time she walked in the front door of their home, it felt like days had passed since she'd last been there. Days at work were always exhausting regardless, but being pregnant and working on an emotionally draining case made today even more challenging.

"Hey," Derek said, walking into the living room. Meredith smiled at him. He was the only person she wanted to be with after the day she'd had.

"Hey," Meredith echoed, shimmying off her coat and putting it on a hook in the foyer. She kicked off her shoes, then wrapped her arms around him. "Hmm… I'm glad you're here."

"Why wouldn't I be?" Derek asked as he rubbed her back with his hands, something she loved, but was getting harder to do with her growing belly between them.

Meredith shrugged. "With the MVCs today, I thought you might have gotten pulled into a surgery or something. I haven't seen you since you left Jenna's room," she yawned.

Derek took her hand and walked with her toward the kitchen where he had food waiting. "There was a minor subarachnoid bleed I was going to take care of, but I asked Nelson to do it. I just wanted to come home."

"Thank you," Meredith whispered, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Hungry?" Derek asked, turning down the flame under the pot on the stove. "I made spaghetti. And there's some chicken heating up in the oven."

"This is why I married you," Meredith sighed amusedly. She hopped up onto a stool and placed her hand over her belly. "So, uh…" She swallowed. "Jenna is giving the baby away."

"Really?" Derek asked in surprise.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah."

"I really thought she was going to keep her," Derek said. "It's rare that teen mothers opt for adoption. Good for her, I guess," he said supportively.

"Yeah. It's good. Hard, but good," Meredith agreed, blinking back a new round of tears that sprang to her eyes. Pregnancy was wonderful, yes, but she could live without the unexpected, uncontrollable crying fits. "I could never be a therapist. It's exhausting."

"What do you mean?" he asked, scooping spaghetti onto both of their plates.

"Just today. I don't know. They tell you not to get involved, but how can I not?" she pointed out. "When I called Jenna's parents, the first thing her mom said was 'I'm so disappointed in her.' She didn't ask how she was doing. I mean, she was in a car accident. She could've been killed. But no. The first thing her mother says is that. And I know that they're just in shock over the whole thing. But I could never…that's not the kind of parent I want to be."

"You won't be," Derek said, walking over to the other side of the island holding their plates, handing one to her. "I can guarantee that."

Meredith wiped under her eyes with a napkin and sighed. "I love our daughter so much. She's only the size of a mango, and I'm completely in love with her. And you are, too. No matter what she does, that's never going to change. Obviously, I wouldn't want her getting pregnant at seventeen…"

"…Which will never happen," Derek said. "I'll fasten a chastity belt around her waist if I have to," he chuckled.

"You're so going to be the dad that intimidates every single boy that walks in the door," Meredith laughed, twirling some spaghetti on her fork.

"Damn right I am," he teased. "She's only allowed to date smart kids like her… mathletes or band geeks. The kind of guy I was in high school. No Mark Sloans."

"Okay," Meredith appeased him, trying not to laugh. Their mango-sized daughter wouldn't show any interest in boys for many, many years, but still, the fact that Derek was already a doting dad made her proud. "Anyway, I'm just saying that no matter what she does, I could never be cold like that." She paused. "I will not turn into my mother."

Derek took her hand in his and squeezed it. "Just because you're her daughter doesn't mean you'll turn into her. Mer, you spent the entire day with Jenna. Today, you were like her mom. You helped her make the most important decision of her life. Would Ellis Grey have done that? No. But you did. And that's what makes you different."

Meredith smiled a little. "Thank you," she whispered. He always knew the right thing to say, something she really appreciated about him.

"We're in our daughter's corner forever, Meredith. No matter what happens. We're a family," he said, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her temple.

She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. Family was something she never had before she met Derek. Of course she loved Cristina and her other friends too, but it wasn't the same as with Derek. With him, there was a pull she'd never felt before. And since finding out about their daughter, it had only grown stronger.

"If I wasn't so tired, you'd be getting sex for that," Meredith said.

"We got interrupted twice today. Chances are we'd just get interrupted again," he joked.

"Probably," she giggled. "There's always tomorrow—which is good, because we need to get in all the sex we can before she's born. Once she's here, the only screaming going on in the middle of the night will be coming from the bassinet in our room…"

"Is it strange that I'm excited for that?"

"Hmm… if it does, then I'm weird, too," she replied, taking another bite of her pasta.

"We can be weird together then," Derek chuckled.

Meredith smiled at her husband. "Okay."