115. Figuring Out the Future

Disclaimer: I don't own it. I just wish I did.

Thanks so much for your continuous patience with me. It means so much. Birthday shout-out to Lexie, a friend of mine, loyal reader, and one of the most awesome people in the MerDer fandom! :)

It was a quarter past seven in the morning when Meredith was pulled from a dream she was having. She was pinned against the wall in the shower, her legs wrapped around Derek's waist. Her eyes were practically rolling back into her head because of the mind numbing pleasure he was giving her. Water rained down on them, dripping off the ends of their hair. Hot, slippery, and steamy. And just as she was about to reach her peak, the sound of Lilly crying woke her up. The shower, Derek, and the impending orgasm, gone in under a second.

She blinked her eyes open as they adjusted to the light, wrapping her arm around Lilly and pulling her close. "You okay, Lillybug?" Meredith asked against the baby's cheek, soft against her lips. She felt the fullness in her breasts, a signal that Lilly was hungry. "Okay, I'm up. I'll feed you."

Meredith sighed at Derek's empty side of the bed. He had been at work since yesterday morning, and was on-call last night. Even with a newborn at home, she knew that his overnight shifts were tougher on him than her. She could handle diapers and baths and laundry by herself with ease; being away from home, away from Lilly, was the hard part. Meredith knew he missed Lilly when he was at the hospital, more than he'd like to admit. It was an adjustment that would get easier over time, but right now, it sucked. And with her own maternity leave over next week, Meredith knew going back would be more agonizing on her than labor was.

She held the baby to her breast, and Lilly latched on like a pro. Mornings like this had become so routine over the last few weeks that she couldn't imagine not waking up like this, just lounging in bed with Lilly. She wasn't ready to give that up. She didn't know if she would ever be ready.

Meredith smiled down at her daughter, studying everything about the little person in her arms. Her long, dark eyelashes that fanned her cheeks when she closed her eyes. The thick hair on top of her head, identical to Derek's. The vibrant blue of her eyes, already with flecks of green. The indentation of each knuckle, and the symmetry of every tiny fingernail. The rosy pink hue of her lips shaped exactly like Meredith's, and the way they puckered when she nursed or sucked her thumb. Toes the size of peas, tiny feet with little arches, skinny legs and chubby thighs, and a barely-there birthmark on the underside of her right arm that she and Derek had discovered a few days before. Every minuscule detail of Lilly was perfect.

Lilly looked up at her, her eyes content and trusting. She didn't sign up to be the daughter of two surgeon parents, and she wasn't going to be a victim of high powered careers, like Meredith was. Lilly became the top priority from the second she and Derek saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test, and that hadn't changed.

"Mommy and Daddy are going to figure something out," Meredith said, rubbing Lilly's hand with her finger. She felt her eyes burn with tears and she sniffled. "I promise, we'll figure something out."

She glanced over to check the clock on her nightstand when she saw the two framed pictures she kept there. The one of her four year old self in the wagon, Thatcher holding onto the handle, Ellis leaning against the tree in the background, disinterested in her daughter's happiness at her birthday gift. That was her mother, the kind of mother Meredith vowed never to be. Then there was the picture of her, Derek, and Lilly on the day Lilly was born, looks of genuine, absolute joy on both of their faces, the kind of parents they wanted to be. Ones that loved their daughter above all else.

Meredith heard the front door open and Charlie lifted his head off the bed, his ears perking up when he heard the noise. "Daddy's home," Meredith told Lilly, wiping her eyes.

Seconds later, she heard the sound of his feet climbing the steps and walking down the hall. Derek pushed open the bedroom door, greeting them both with a smile. "Hey," he said through his yawn.

"Hi," Meredith said softly.

The two days' worth of stubble and the messy, unkempt hair that was normally so perfectly coiffed told Meredith how exhausted he was. He crawled onto the bed, careful not to jostle Lilly as she nursed, and leaned against the headboard. As he was about to speak, he noticed the tears pooled in her eyelashes, and he frowned. "What's wrong?"

Meredith shook her head. "Nothing, it's just..." She let out a sigh. "You're tired. We can talk later."

"No, Mer, come on. Please," Derek said. "Just tell me."

"I've just been thinking about going back to work. And I don't know if—Derek, I don't know if I can," she admitted with relief. "How can I go back to work and just leave her?" Meredith's voice broke and she dropped her head into her free hand.

Derek wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple. "Meredith," he whispered against her skin.

"I don't know what we're gonna do. I know I need to go back to work, but the thought of putting her in daycare or hiring a nanny is... I'm not gonna do that," Meredith said. "That's what my mother did to me after we moved, and I won't do that to Lilly."

"I don't want to do that either," Derek agreed, tucking loose strands of hair behind Meredith's ear. "We'll figure something out. We're gonna do what's best for Lilly."

Meredith sniffled, reaching for a tissue on her nightstand. "I knew having a baby and having a job wouldn't be easy, but..."

"We didn't think it'd be this hard, either," Derek finished for her.

"Yeah."

Derek pursed his lips and looked down at Lilly, watching as she gently nursed, eyes closed peacefully, her hand resting atop Meredith's breast. He smiled, then looked back up at Meredith. "I'll stay home with her."

"What?" she asked.

"I'll stay home with her," Derek said. Meredith looked at him like he had three heads and he continued. "If I stayed home, you could finish your residency on time. After that, you'd be an attending and you'd have a better schedule. Mer, I'm serious."

Meredith blinked. "I... could you even do that?"

"Yeah. I mean, I could always work a few hours a week. Maybe take a weekend shift once in a while when you'd be home. I'd only schedule surgeries for times when I know you were off, so one of us would always be here with Lilly," Derek said.

"I'm a neuro resident, though. And you're the head of neuro. How would that work?" Meredith asked.

"Nelson and Weller are neuro attendings, too. You could scrub in on their surgeries and learn just as much as you would if you were with me," Derek pointed out. "And if there comes a time when both of us absolutely have to work, we have plenty of friends who would look after Lilly for a few hours. Bridget only works days, so if we're in a pinch, she's there, and you know she's willing to help. Plus, there's Molly and your dad. They live twenty minutes away. And really, spending a few hours away from us a few times a month isn't going to scar her for life. But again, that would only be on rare occasions. Other than that, I'd be home with her. And if I'm not, you will be."

Meredith frowned, a feeling of guilt churning in her stomach. "Derek, I can't ask you to do that. You love your job. I don't want you to have to sacrifice your own career for mine," she said.

"I do love my job," Derek agreed. "But I love you and Lilly more. And if it comes to choosing, I choose you two. Like I said, this wouldn't have to be a permanent thing. This time next year, you'll be an attending with a lighter schedule. You'll work less and make more, two of the perks that come with the navy scrubs," he chuckled.

"Yeah, next year I'll be making more. But now? Derek, I make crap money. Even if you still did a couple surgeries a week, could we get by on that?" she asked, her mind spinning with all of the logistics and plans and what-ifs.

"Don't worry about the money. Between both of us working, even if I cut back ninety percent of my work hours, and what we have saved, we'll be more than fine. We can do this, Meredith. We can make it work," Derek promised, smiling at her.

Meredith said nothing and bit her lip, glancing down at Lilly. Derek noticed her hesitation, so he reached for her hand. "Mer, your job is just as important to me as my own. You deserve to have the career you worked so hard for. And if I can help with making that happen, I'm gonna do it."

She turned her head toward him, tears welled in her eyes against her will. "You'd really do this for me?"

"Meredith, yes," Derek said.

"You don't even need to sleep on it? Because really, I don't want you to regret it—or resent me. This is... it's a big decision and—"

Derek cut off what was sure to be a ramble with a kiss. "Meredith, Lilly is my daughter, and you're my wife. Being a surgeon is... it can't even compete with that. Ten, twenty years from now, I want us to look back and know that we did what was best for Lilly. And what's best for her is having her parents around, not daycare, not a nanny. Us," he said, taking hold of Lilly's bare foot and smiling at the ten little toes he counted when she was born.

"I know. I think so, too," she said.

"So, let's do it, then."

A flicker of a smile twitched on Meredith's lips. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Derek wrapped his arms around her and hugged her to him, careful not to squish Lilly in between. He kissed above her ear. "It's gonna be great, I promise."

Meredith rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She let out a breath as she felt the anxiety lift off her shoulders like heavy weights. "I was gonna talk to you about this weeks ago, but I kept putting it off. That was stupid, I guess," she managed to laugh.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?" he asked.

"I don't know. I guess I just liked living in our happy baby bubble where work didn't exist," Meredith admitted. "And I didn't want to stress you out, either. Your leave was shorter than mine, and I wanted you to enjoy every second, because I knew it wouldn't last."

"You can always talk to me. About anything, whenever you want," Derek said. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Derek leaned down and kissed Lilly's forehead gently. "You too, Lillybug."

"Okay, how do we do this then? I mean, the Chief is probably going to be pissed," Meredith said, another knot forming in her stomach when she realized what kind of impact Derek not being the head neuro honcho would have on the hospital.

"No, he won't," Derek said. "He saw what your mother did, and it was partly his fault. If there's one thing he'd do for us—for you—it's this. Richard's not your father, but he loves you like a daughter. And he loves Lilly. And not to make him sound bad or me sound cocky, but he also loves the money I bring in for the hospital. Believe me, he'd rather have me lighten my schedule than have me not work there at all. He'll help us out with this, Mer. Honestly, it's the least he can do to make things right by you."

"I just, I need you to be sure about this. If you're not okay with it, I'll stay home with her. I'm already out of the running for chief resident because of my time off—not that I really care. Obviously, Lilly is more important than me becoming a glorified boss whose job is dealing with whiny interns and piles of paperwork. I don't want that, anyway," Meredith said.

"Meredith, I want to do this for us. I'm positive. Please don't feel guilty or worry that I'll resent you, because I won't," Derek said. "This isn't the 50s, and I don't expect you to give up your career just because we have a baby. I wouldn't have suggested staying home with her if I wasn't sure."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her. "Besides, being a stay-at-home dad is trendy nowadays. That wins me coolness points with Lilly," he chuckled.

Meredith laughed. "That's true," she said. She felt Lilly pull away from her breast and smiled down at her daughter. "All done?" she asked her, wiping the corners of her lips.

Derek reached for the baby and hugged her to his chest. "I missed you, Princess," he said, patting her back to burp her. "How about it? Want Daddy to stay home with you while Mommy works for her shiny, new scrubs?"

Lilly took hold of his shirt with her little hand and yawned, her chin against his shoulder. Derek kissed her cheek. "I don't think she objects to that."

"You'd bring her up to see me every day, right?" Meredith asked as her eyes became blurry again, smiling at Lilly when she turned her head upon hearing Meredith's voice.

"Every day. Ten times a day, if you want. Seriously, we'll be up there so much you'll be sick of us," he joked, his face sobering when he saw her tears. "Mer, it's all gonna work out."

"I just don't want us to turn into Thatcher and Ellis, where I'm too busy to spend five minutes with her between surgeries, and she barely knows who I am. I mean, my dad potty trained me by himself. I doubt my mom was even involved at all. My dad was there for my first day of school; she wasn't. He's the one who went to the playground with me on the weekends, and checked for monsters under my bed, and tucked me in at night. I have no memories of my mom doing any of that, even once. That's not the kind of mom I want to be," Meredith said as she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

Derek shook his head. "Meredith, listen to me. It'll be a cold day in hell before we ever let that happen. We are not your parents, and you are not your mother. You were secondary to the adults in your life. They did what they wanted to do, and you suffered because of it. Every day, I wish I could change that. But Mer, you and I both know that'll never happen with Lilly. The fact that you're so concerned should tell you we have nothing to worry about. We both love her, and she'll always be the most important part of our lives. Her, and the next kid we have down the line. Nothing's gonna change that, especially not work," he said.

Meredith leaned into him, her head resting next to Lilly's on Derek's shoulder. "Okay," she said.

"You trust me on this one?"

She smiled. "Yeah. I do," she said. "I might just need you to tell me that every morning for the next year."

"I can do that," Derek grinned.

"Thank you."

Derek scooted forward and laid back in bed, Lilly on his chest, both of their eyelids heavy with sleep. Meredith laid back down, too, and draped her arm over Derek's torso. "We can call Richard later to hash out the details. For now, let's just sleep," he said, yawning.

"Okay," Meredith agreed as she caught his yawn.

Lilly's thumb went to her mouth and she stretched out her other hand toward Meredith, perhaps her tiny baby way of reassuring Meredith that everything was going to be okay. Meredith smiled, letting Lilly grab hold of her finger. She held onto it, then closed her bright blue eyes, her rounded cheek against Derek's chest.

"I'm right here, Lilly. I'll always be here," she whispered.

...

Meredith fretted with her watch as she and Derek walked down the corridor toward the Chief's office the next day. He had agreed to meet with them during Derek's lunch break, so Meredith drove up with Lilly so they could discuss Derek taking time off so Meredith could finish her residency on time. And as much as she knew that Richard was ultimately on their side, and would be willing to help, Meredith was still nervous. Derek was the go-to neurosurgeon not only in the US or on the West coast, but one of the best in the world, and the news that he was taking extended leave to be a stay-at-home dad probably wouldn't bode well for the hospital or its revenue. Of course, Meredith knew all of that was trivial. Prestige and paychecks didn't hold a candle to Lilly or her well-being. But still, Meredith had butterflies in her stomach. Cruel, merciless butterflies that hadn't stopped flapping their enormous wings since yesterday.

Derek couldn't help but smile when he saw her obviously flustered she was, and he reached for her hand. "Mer, deep breaths. This is Richard we're talking about. The man would do anything for you," Derek said, holding Lilly in his arm.

"I know, I just... it isn't like we're asking for a three day weekend. You basically taking a year off, give or take a few hours a week isn't exactly something he's going to be cheerful about," Meredith pointed out.

"He might not be cheerful about it, but he's not a heartless monster. We're doing what's best for our family, and he'll understand that," Derek said as they reached his office door. "Ready?"

She nodded. "Yeah, okay."

Derek knocked on the door, then opened it. "Hi, Richard," he greeted.

The chief looked up from a pile of paperwork and smiled when he saw the three of them. "Oh, good, I've been expecting you. Come on in," he said, gesturing to the chairs on the other side of his desk. "How've you been, Meredith? I haven't seen you since the baptism."

"I'm doing great; thank you, sir," Meredith said. "Just enjoying the last of my leave before I have to come back."

"Would you like to hold Lilly?" Derek asked him.

Richard's eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning, and he looked from Lilly to the two of them. "May I?"

"Of course," Derek said, gently passing Lilly into his arm.

Lilly blinked up at him, but made no protest. Her thumb traveled to her mouth, and she looked around the Chief's office curiously. Richard smiled down at her. "I can't get over how much she looks like you did when you were this age, Meredith. It's incredible," he said, his face practically beaming.

"Yeah, my dad said that, too," Meredith replied. "Well, minus her hair, anyway. That's still Derek's."

"Beautiful; absolutely beautiful," Richard complimented.

"Thank you," Derek said, putting his hand on the small of Meredith's back when he saw her rolling her watch nervously around her wrist once again.

"So, what did you need to talk to me about? Is everything alright?" Richard asked as he took a seat behind his desk, Lilly still cradled in his arm.

They both took their seats opposite of him, and Meredith glanced over at Derek, her facial expression asking him to speak. Derek nodded in agreement, reaching for Meredith's hand. "Yeah, everything's fine. We just, uh, we wanted to talk to you about Meredith coming back to work," he began.

"You're slated to come back on Monday, right?" Richard asked.

"Well, yes, but..." Meredith said.

"If you were interested in getting more time off, I'll see what I could do for you. But then you may not be on track to finish you residency next July," Richard said.

"Actually, that's what we wanted to discuss," Derek cut in. "While Meredith is working toward finishing residency, we decided that I was going to stay home with Lilly—which we realize is a big decision."

Richard leaned back in his chair. "I see," he said.

"Obviously, this wouldn't be permanent, and I don't want you to think I'm quitting. I'd just be significantly cutting back my hours. Actually, Meredith and I wanted to know if there was any way we could work out some sort of plan, where I'd be able to work the hours when she's off, maybe schedule my surgeries for designated hours during the week, hours when Meredith isn't working. The logistics of it all need to be worked out, but this is what we feel is best for Lilly," Derek said, his voice calm and confident when he spoke.

"Mhm," Richard nodded, running his fingers over his beard.

"After next year, I'll be an attending, and I'll have more control over my schedule. But residency is... it's grueling, and I want to finish on time," Meredith said.

"Which is why I suggested staying home with Lilly. Meredith shouldn't have to be the one that takes time off just because she's not as far along in her career as I am. That's actually why we want to do it this way," Derek said.

"I understand it, I do," Richard concurred. "Lilly is your priority. That's how it should be."

"Derek and I feel the same way. And I don't mean to drum up the past. Whatever happened, happened. It's just... I'm not going to let what happened to me happen to Lilly. We don't want her bounced around between nannies and babysitters like I was, and barely ever see us. We want stability for her. She deserves that," Meredith said. "We realize this is a lot to ask."

Richard nodded slowly, mulling it all over in his head in silence. He pursed his lips before speaking. "Alright," he said.

"Alright?" Meredith asked, expecting anger, or at the very least, annoyance. Anything but alright.

"Well, I don't know how well it'll go over with the board, but we can figure something out," he agreed. He looked from the two of them down to Lilly, then back. "I can't change your childhood, Meredith, but if I can help make sure Lilly has the childhood she deserves—the one you should've gotten—then I'm willing to help you make that happen."

Meredith felt her eyes prick with tears, cursing her damn hormones for unleashing them at very inopportune times. She wiped them away with her finger. "I, um... thank you," she said genuinely, feeling Derek squeeze her hand.

"Thank you, Chief," Derek echoed, glancing at Meredith when she squeezed his hand back.

"You understand that we'll have to negotiate a change of salary, Derek?" the Chief said.

"Yes, sir," Derek nodded.

Richard shifted Lilly to his other arm, and smiled when she stopped sucking her thumb briefly to yawn. "And next July, you'll both be back to work?"

"Yes," Meredith said.

"But you'd still like to coordinate alternating schedules?" the Chief assumed.

"Well, that's the hope, but we know that this isn't a nine-to-five job, either. Emergencies happen, ORs get backed up, things get chaotic without warning. But as much as we can, yes, we'd like to do that," Derek said.

"I'm willing to accommodate you as much as I can. It won't be easy, but we can sit down and iron everything out when the time comes," Richard said.

"Thank you, sir," Meredith said.

"I appreciate you coming to me and asking me. I know that couldn't have been easy on you," Richard said. "With a job like this, it's easy to get caught up in the grind of it all; competition, surgeries, all of that. But you're parents now, and that changes everything."

"Exactly," Derek said.

"Well then, Derek, you and I can work out a temporary contract tomorrow. And Meredith, I'll see you on Monday," Richard said as he stood up from behind his desk. He extended his free arm and shook both of their hands.

"Thank you. Really, it's... you have no idea how grateful we are," Meredith said, taking Lilly when Richard passed the baby over into her arms.

Richard smiled at Meredith. "I know you are. And I'm glad I can help."

After they said their goodbyes, Derek and Meredith exited the Chief's office, relief washing over both of them as they walked around the corner.

"See? That wasn't so bad," Derek said.

Meredith laughed, pushing the button for the elevator so they could go to Derek's office for lunch. "Yeah, well, I still don't want to do it again."

"Luckily, we don't have to," he said.

They stepped into the elevator, and the doors closed behind them. Meredith held Lilly up and kissed her forehead. "It's official. Daddy can stay home with you," she said. She looked at Derek. "I feel like we should get the Chief something as a thank you gift. Would that be too much?"

"We could let him babysit Lilly," Derek chuckled. "He was smitten."

"Who wouldn't be? She's perfect," Meredith said, hugging Lilly to her chest. She wrinkled her nose when she smelled the telltale signs of a dirty diaper. "Well, right now, she's kind of smelly. But still, she's perfect."

"We can change her in my office," he said as the elevator doors opened again.

"She pooped in the tub this morning when I was giving her a bath. I think it's your turn," Meredith decided.

"Did she really?" Derek asked, unlocking his office door and turning the handle.

"Yes, she did. So then, she needed a second bath, and I needed a second shower," Meredith giggled, gently laying Lilly on the couch and pulling off her romper with little, yellow suns on it. "So, do you feel good about all this?"

"Yeah, I do. It'll be an adjustment at first, but we'll make it work," Derek said. He sat down on the other cushion and turned Lilly toward him so he could change her. "Do you feel okay about it?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, combing her fingers through Lilly's hair and smiling when Lilly looked up at her. "I'll be a wreck on Monday, but I think it'll get easier."

"You'll be okay. And like I said, Lilly and I will visit every day. We'll eat lunch, maybe watch surgeries from the gallery. It'll be fun," Derek said, smiling.

"I know. And I know you're perfectly capable, but I can't help but think that maybe she'll need me and I won't be there," Meredith said, holding up the baby's legs while Derek put a new diaper under her bottom. "She's so attached to us, you know? If she's crying and then she sees me, she stops crying, because she knows I'm her mom. I don't want her to think I disappeared, or that I don't care. I don't want to stress her out or get her upset because I'm not there."

"Mer," Derek said, frowning when he saw the sadness and guilt etched all over her face. "You'll still see her all the time. I know you'll be working a lot, but you'll see her every day."

"And what about nursing? I mean, she's fine with bottles, but I'd rather nurse. I can't explain it, bur nursing is just..."

Derek finished dressing Lilly, and Meredith picked her up. "It's something special between the two of you," Derek said.

"Yeah," Meredith said.

"You can still nurse her every morning before work. Plus, when we visit you at lunch, we can come up here and you can nurse her. You're only on-call one night a week unless there's an emergency or something, so you'll be home around six to nurse her at night. And you get days off. This doesn't mean we have to wean her," Derek said.

He wrapped his arm around her and she leaned into him. "Does this make me a terrible mom? Will Lilly hate me when she's older because I went back to work?"

"Meredith, no. You're doing this for Lilly. If you were to hold off on finishing your residency, who knows when you'd go back—or if you even could. I mean, Richard has a lot of pull, but this is one of the most competitive teaching hospitals in the country. Who's to say they could even keep your job for you at all? You just have a year left as a resident, and finishing that will make it possible for you to be home more. Hell, we could even start up our own practice if we wanted to," Derek said.

"What?"

"I'm not saying we have to. I'm just saying that that's an option if we wanted to a few years down the line. You know, once Lilly and hypothetical baby number two are in school. We could set all of our own hours, book our surgeries for when we wanted," Derek shrugged as he fixed Lilly's hair clip.

"That might be nice," Meredith said as she pondered the idea.

"One of the possible perks after you finish your residency and why it's so important for you to finish," Derek said.

Meredith raised her head to kiss his neck. "Hmm, I know. I just have mommy guilt."

"I know. And that's your right. But please, don't think for a second that you're a bad mom, or that Lilly would think any less of you. After my dad died, my mom had to work two jobs and still raise five kids. I never, not even for a split second, thought any less of her. I'm grateful to her every day for that. She did what she had to do for her kids, and that's exactly what you're doing for Lilly. It's just getting over the hump for the next year. After that, it'll be easier on both of us," Derek said.

"Being an attending better be as awesome as you're making it sound," Meredith teased him, gently rubbing Lilly's back.

Derek chuckled. "Believe me, it is. Think of it as being upgraded from coach to first class... much more leg room, comfy leather seats, in-flight meals."

"Is this going to end with a Mile High Club reference?" she laughed.

"No, you just have a porny mind," Derek countered.

"I can't help it. Once my beast started being fed again, I crave it all the time," Meredith said. "Which I realize sounds really dirty, but it's true."

He smirked, pulling Lilly's sock back on after she'd nearly kicked it off her foot. "Hmm, really?"

"Really," she echoed. "I had a shower sex dream yesterday before I woke up. I planned on having shower sex with you last night, but I was so frazzled about today that I fell asleep."

"Tonight, then," Derek grinned. "You and me, steamy, hot shower sex to help us unwind."

"And the bendy thing?"

"And the bendy thing," Derek agreed.

"Okay, then."

"Does the prospect of the bendy thing make your day a little better?" he asked, noticing the small smile pulling at her lips.

Meredith looked at him and put her hand on his cheek, leaning forward to kiss him. "Yes, it did."