122. Stand In Parents

Disclaimer: I don't own TV shows. I just wish I did.

Sorry for the wait! The holidays are a busy time of year, so I held off on posting until this week. Happy 2012! Enjoy!

Meredith lay on the couch in Derek's office, shoes off, pillow behind her head, and eyes closed. It wasn't often that she got small windows of time without diapers or crying or surgery, and having the chance to lie down for ten minutes actually felt foreign to her. But still, she was basking in the rest, however brief.

Her morning had been spent in surgery with Dr. Nelson, cutting brains and saving lives, using whatever free time she had to check on the premature twins that had been born two weeks ago. So far, they were holding strong, a little over four pounds each. And because there was no family around to hold them and talk to them and spend time with them, Meredith did her part as a stand-in parent. She let the babies hold her finger and lie on her chest; she even changed their diapers and their clothes if time allowed. And if she had to be away from Lilly to be at work, Meredith was actually grateful. She knew Lilly was being taken care of at home, and the least she could do was care for the two of them at the hospital.

Just as she felt herself slipping into a nap, the door to Derek's office opened, and he walked in, food in one arm, Lilly in the other. Meredith opened her eyes and smiled at them. "Hey," she said, sitting up and scooting over on the couch so he could sit.

Derek dropped down next to her and set the bag of food on the table. "Hey," he echoed, leaning in to kiss her. "Were you sleeping?"

"No, I wasn't. Kinda wish I was, but no," Meredith laughed. She reached for Lilly and pressed kisses to her forehead. "Hey, you. You look very pretty today. Daddy is getting good at coordinating your outfits."

"Good, right? It's breezy outside, and I didn't want her to be cold, so I went with the leggings. Lilly approves, I think," Derek chuckled. "How's your day been?"

"Good. I scrubbed in with Nelson this morning, and he practically let me resect the patient's tumor by myself," Meredith said. "I was awesome. You should've been there."

"I wish I was. Congratulations," Derek said, kissing her again.

"Hmm, thank you," Meredith smiled against his lips. "Then I went up to check on the babies. Annie's been showing signs of RDS, but Dr. Halloran has her on surfactant to help her lungs develop. Adam is doing well, though," she said.

"Annie and Adam?" Derek asked, taking the food out of the bag so they could eat lunch.

Meredith smiled, shrugging slightly. "They're two weeks old. And I felt bad not calling them anything, so I just gave them names. They don't have any family, but they deserve names."

"You're getting attached to them, huh?" Derek said.

"Well, I see them every day. Besides Dr. Halloran and the NICU nurses, we're the only other people that really spend any time with them. I don't know. I just feel bad, I guess. I'm trying to be a good pseudo-stand-in-fake mommy," Meredith said, combing her fingers through Lilly's hair. "Don't worry, though. You're still the love of my life, Lilly."

Derek smirked. "So, Lilly dethroned me for that title?"

"You both are. But as far as babies go, no one will ever trump her," Meredith said. She kicked off her shoes and put her feet up on the couch. "What'd you get for lunch?"

"Wraps. Turkey for me; chicken caesar for you," Derek said, taking off the tinfoil and handing it to her.

"Thank you," Meredith said before taking a bite.

"So, my mom called today. She asked if we wanted to fly out there for Thanksgiving," Derek said as he twisted off the cap to his water bottle. "I told her I'd talk to you about it."

Meredith mulled it over in her head as she chewed. "As long as I could get the time off, I'd really like to go. And I know everyone really wants to meet Lilly. I'm pretty sure they all think we're just hiding her away."

"Probably," Derek laughed. "If we go, maybe we could leave on Wednesday, and come home Saturday; that way, we'd at least get Sunday to relax before going back to work."

"I'll talk to Alex. It's only September, so if I could plan out my November schedule now, it should work. It's not like Alex is going to say no, anyway. You know, free house and all for his wedding present. He may be Chief Resident, but I hold the real power," Meredith teased.

Derek smiled. "Yes, you do."

Meredith's phone vibrated, and she pulled it from her pocket. "Bridget," she said before answering it. "Hello?" she said. "Hey, no I'm just eating lunch with Derek and Lilly." She licked some dressing from her finger, then nodded. "Yep, fifth floor, then turn left. You can't miss it. And Mark should be there any minute. His surgery was running long." She paused as Bridget spoke. "Okay, have fun. Talk to you later."

Meredith ended the call and dropped her phone back into her pocket. "She just wanted to know where the, uh..."

"OB/GYN wing is," Derek finished. "I've been working here for five years. I know the code for fifth floor to the left," he chuckled.

"Look, you can't say anything. I told her I wouldn't—"

"Mark told me," he interrupted.

"He did?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"Yeah. A few days ago. I think it's great. They're ready," Derek said. "Is everything okay? Why's she coming here?"

"Oh, I recommended her to Dr. Halloran. Her OB retired, so she needed to find someone else. It's just a standard visit," Meredith said. She smiled down at Lilly who was cradled in her mother's arm, sucking her thumb. "I already told Bridget she needs to have a boy. Lilly needs a good guy friend, someone who could be a prom date, maybe a husband..." she hinted jokingly.

Derek nearly choked on his water and he cocked his head at her. "A husband?"

"Maybe thirty years from now; not now, obviously," Meredith said, rolling her eyes in amusement.

"Yeah, and as far as proms go, panties stay on, and nothing goes on behind a closed door. Got it?" he said to Lilly, who smiled at him with her thumb in her mouth.

Meredith laughed. "I'm pretty sure you've told her that before."

"And I'm gonna keep saying it until she gets in the limo on prom night," Derek said.

"You know, minus the adultery and patient death, that night was pretty damn good," Meredith said. "I actually did a consult in that exam room today. Seriously, every time I walk into that room, I swear I get turned on. Which probably isn't a good thing, now that I think about it."

"Still wouldn't trade that memory for anything, though," he said.

"Me, either."

"So, what time do you think you'll be done tonight?" Derek asked.

"Well, I'm aiming for six, which means a few hours of Lilly time when I get home, then naked time with you," Meredith said, opening her chip bag. "I've had dirty prom thoughts in my head since this morning when I did that consult. I could really use some you-know-what."

"I can do that," Derek grinned.

"Thank you."

...

When lunch ended, so did the blissful bubble of family time, and once again, Meredith stood at the OR table with Dr. Nelson, peering into an open brain. She was ready to assist him in placing the clip on their patient's aneurysm when he stepped aside. "Blood flow is controlled. Would you like to clip the aneurysm, Dr. Grey?"

"Absolutely; thank you," Meredith said, looking to the scrub nurse. "Bipolars, please?"

The scrub nurse handed her the instrument, and Meredith was able to get a stable grasp of the aneurysm on the first try. Satisfied that she had a handle on it, she nodded. "Okay, clip and appliers?" she asked the nurse, who then handed them to her. "Thank you."

Meredith carefully applied the clip to the neck of the aneurysm, then released it, pinching off the aneurysm from the parent artery. She let out a breath and smiled underneath her mask. "Clip is applied," she said. "And now, I'll do the matador move to make sure it's on properly. Needle, please?"

She punctured a hole in the aneurysm to ensure there was no blood flowing in. "Okay, everything looks clear," she said.

Dr. Nelson surveyed her work, then nodded in satisfaction. "Excellent. You're giving that husband of yours a run for his money," he said in good humor. "Would you like to close?"

"Sure; thank you," Meredith replied.

Just as she was about to remove the retractors, her pager went off across the room, and one of the scrub nurses quickly picked it up. "Dr. Grey, there's an emergency up in the NICU. One of the Mackley twins has stopped breathing. Dr. Halloran is requesting you."

"Crap," she whispered under her mask. "Okay, can you tell her I'll be there as soon as I can?"

"You can go if you need to. I'll close," Dr. Nelson offered. "You've done the hard work. I can take it from here."

"Okay, thank you," Meredith said, gently handing him the retractor.

She stepped away from the OR table, and walked out of the OR, flinging off her gown, mask, and gloves, and scrubbing out as fast as she could. Her heart raced as she bounded up the stairwell to the NICU on the fifth floor, attracting the curious looks of those she passed by on the way. She'd become attached to these babies over the last two weeks, and there was no way in hell she was letting either of them die. After gowning up again, and putting on a pair of fresh gloves once she got there, Meredith entered the NICU, straight over to the little nook where the twins were.

"What happened?" Meredith asked.

"Her apnea monitors went off, she started getting bradycardic, then she turned blue. She's still not breathing on her own, so I had to intubate her," Dr. Halloran said, pumping the ambu bag. "We think she's having a stroke."

"A stroke? But she was fine. I mean, she had RDS, but she seemed to be doing well," Meredith said in disbelief. She glanced over at Adam, who was alone in their shared isolette, watching the action unfold as the team of doctors helped his sister, his blue eyes more alert than Meredith had ever seen.

"That's the thing with preemies. Just when you think they're in the clear, things can go right back downhill," Dr. Halloran said, handing Meredith the ambu bag. "Page down to the OR floor, tell them we're bringing her down," she requested of one of the nearby NICU nurses. She turned to Meredith. "Is Dr. Shepherd here?"

"No, he's home. I could call him," Meredith said as they wheeled the baby out of the NICU and into the hallway.

Dr. Halloran shook her head. "There's not enough time. Do you know if Nelson or Weller is available?"

"Weller's surgery just started, but I just scrubbed out of Nelson's OR. He should be finishing up any minute. He's in OR 3," Meredith replied.

They passed by the nurses' station, and Dr. Halloran looked over at the nurse behind the desk. "Can you call down to OR 3, and see if Nelson can have a fellow close, please? We need him immediately."

"Right away," the nurse said, picking up the phone.

Meredith saw the elevator doors opening down the hall, and she waved her arm to signal to the people getting on. "Hold the doors, please!"

The cluster of people waiting to board all stepped aside, allowing Dr. Halloran, Meredith, and the baby ahead of them. "Thank you," Meredith said graciously as the doors closed in front of them. She looked at Annie and reached into the isolette. Annie's hand wasn't nearly as warm as it usually was, a sign that she wasn't getting enough oxygen, and Meredith swallowed thickly.

"Do you think she'll make it? How long did she stop breathing before you intubated?" Meredith asked Dr. Halloran.

"Under a minute, which, for a preemie, is still too long. I'm hoping her lungs are developed enough to withstand the anesthesia. If Dr. Nelson can evacuate the clot in time, she has a fighting chance," Dr. Halloran said as they stepped off the elevator once they reached the OR floor.

"Dr. Halloran, OR 4 is being prepped and they're setting up the portable CT," the charge nurse said. "Nelson should be scrubbing out now."

"Thank you," Dr. Halloran replied, noticing the nervousness on Meredith's face. "Dr. Grey, are you okay? I'd understand if you didn't want to scrub in."

Meredith shook her head. "No, I'm fine," she said. As tempting as it was to pass this surgery onto someone else, she knew she needed to go in there and do everything she could to help save Annie's life. But even if she couldn't, she had to know she did everything in her power to try.

"Okay. Prep her, and help position the CT, then scrub in," Dr. Halloran said before going into the scrub room.

"Okay."

In the few seconds Meredith had before she and the OR team started the emergency surgery, she squeezed onto the baby's tiny hand again. "I know it's scary, but you're gonna be fine. You just need to hang on, okay?"

...

The only sounds in the NICU were the beeping of the monitors and the small, intermittent fusses from the newborns in their isolettes. Meredith sat in the rocking chair with Annie, the baby's tiny body resting on her chest.

"It's okay. I'm here," Meredith said softly. Despite all of her willpower, tears stung her eyes and she wiped them away with the back of her hand.

When she heard the automatic doors of the NICU open with a swoosh, Meredith turned her head, surprised to see Lexie walk in. "Hey," Lexie said, smiling at her.

"Hey," Meredith echoed. "What're you doing here?"

"I was delivering some charts and I saw you in here. I had some free time, figured I'd come say hi," Lexie shrugged, dropping down in to the rocking chair across from the one Meredith was sitting in. "What are you doing?"

Meredith looked down at Annie, who blinked tiredly up at her. "She had a stroke this afternoon. Dr. Nelson got the clot out in time, but she went too long without oxygen, and her heart muscle is underdeveloped and weak. So are her lungs. She coded twice on the table. Dr. Halloran doesn't think she's gonna make it through the night."

"Oh my God," Lexie said with a frown. "Is this one of the twins that came in for a crash C-section? The one whose mom died on the table?" she asked.

"Yeah," Meredith said, cocking her head toward Adam's isolette next to Lexie's chair. "They don't have anybody else, so I've been spending as much time with them as I can. If I can't be home with Lilly, I want to be here. I named them. I know that's probably bad, but..."

"What're their names?" Lexie asked, free of the judgment or mocking she would surely get from Cristina.

"Adam and Annie."

Lexie peered into Adam's isolette and smiled at the tiny newborn. "Any significance?"

"I just like those names. I'm pretty sure if Lilly had been a boy, her name would've been Adam," Meredith said, letting Annie grab a weak hold of her finger.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Derek and I were really picky about name choices. We started talking about names like two days before we found out we were having a girl, but Adam was one of our favorites," Meredith said, laughing slightly. "So if the next one is a boy, we have to come up with something else."

Lexie reached into the isolette and rubbed her finger over Adam's arm. "You think he'll be okay?"

"I hope so. If Annie dies, he'll have no one. But he's a fighter. He has to be okay," Meredith said, pulling the receiving blanket more snugly over Annie's shoulders to keep her warm despite the largely oversized pajamas that she was practically swimming in. "You can hold him, if you want. Normally, I switch back and forth, but she needs me more than he does right now."

"Can I?" Lexie asked.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded.

Lexie gently took Adam from his isolette, careful not to unhook any wires or jostle him around. She wrapped his blanket around him, then sat back down, holding him against her chest in the same way Meredith held Annie. Lexie smiled at him. "He's so cute."

"Yeah, so is she. Celeste—that was their mom's name—she was blonde. I guess they got the dark hair from her husband," Meredith thought out loud.

"He's not in the picture?" Lexie assumed.

Meredith shook her head. "No, he died overseas. We never contacted any family either. I think Dr. Halloran scoured the country for Mackleys, but nothing ever came up."

"Any potential parents lined up?"

"No. Not yet, anyway. Dr. Halloran wanted to hold off until they were more stable before any kind of adoption thing got started. Being preemies, they're already high risk. Giving potential parents false hope isn't fair. I mean, Annie was doing relatively well until this afternoon. And now?" Meredith sighed. "I don't know. And I went all Izzie and got myself emotionally involved. The whole thing is a mess."

"It's good. It's good that you care. You're a mom. Don't apologize for it. And you're the kind of person that embraces something like that instead of trying to fight it off," Lexie said supportively.

Meredith smiled. "Remind me to thank my daughter for that."

...

Derek leaned against the headboard of his bed, Lilly in one arm, a neurosurgical journal in the other. "See here, Lilly? For an intraventricular meningioma, Daddy likes to use what we call a keyhole approach. You go in behind the ear, so it's minimally invasive," he taught her, showing her a diagrammed picture from the journal.

Lilly stared at it with wide-eyed interest, as though she really was soaking in whatever knowledge he had to offer. Derek grinned, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "Either you're intrigued, or you're trying to poop. Guess I'll find out in a minute or two, huh?" he chuckled.

He looked up when he heard the soft padding of Meredith's feet coming down the hall, and into their bedroom. "Hey," he said. "Wasn't your shift over an hour ago?"

Meredith nodded as she walked toward their bed. "Yeah," she said, sinking down next to them.

Derek frowned when he saw the defeated, worn look on her face, and he cocked his head on worry. "Everything okay?"

"I, um... Annie died tonight. I didn't want her to die laying in her isolette, so I held her. She fell asleep on me, and a few hours later, she just..."

"Meredith," Derek said softly, dropping the journal onto his lap, and wrapping his arm around her. He kissed her temple. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah. Me, too," Meredith said. "She had a stroke this afternoon. Her body was just too weak to handle it."

"I'm glad you were there," Derek said. "She needed you there."

"She was holding onto my finger, then her hand just went limp. She was two weeks old." Meredith bit her lip, and a tear slipped from her eye. "It's not fair. Stuff like that shouldn't happen, but it does. It happens every day. And I know I'm supposed to not let myself care, that it's just part of the job."

"But things like that make you never want to go back," Derek finished for her.

"Yeah," Meredith said.

Derek gently passed Lilly over to Meredith, who hugged her like she never wanted to let go. "I love you so much," she said, pressing kisses to Lilly's cheek. "How was she tonight?"

"Perfect. She had a bath and a bottle. She'll probably be hungry again soon, so you'll be able to feed her again before she falls asleep," Derek said.

"Okay, good," Meredith whispered, breathing in the smell of Lilly's baby shampoo.

"How's Adam doing?" he asked.

"He's stable. All alone, but stable," Meredith said. She let Lilly lie on her chest, and she ran her fingers up and down her back. "It's weird, seeing him in the isolette by himself. He has no one now."

"He will. Odds are, he should've died before he was born, but he didn't. He's fighting, and he's getting better every day. He's gonna pull through, and be just fine," Derek said, reassuring and confident. "He still has us. We'll be there for him until the second he gets some people."

Meredith blotted her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. "Okay."

"Think of it this way. Don't days like this make you even more thankful for her?" Derek said, smiling at their daughter, who had since found her thumb and was making suckling sounds with her mouth.

"Yeah. It really does," Meredith managed to smile, too.

"Well, I have some good news that should brighten your mood a little bit," Derek said.

She turned to look at him, curious. "What?"

"Mark called. Bridget got an all clear from the doctor. They're right on track for making a baby," he said. "Although, technically, they've already been trying."

"Good. That's good," Meredith said in relief. She patted Lilly's diaper-covered, pajama-covered bottom. "They'll probably want to use you for practice, Lilly."

"Parent boot camp."

"Exactly," Meredith said. "Is it weird that I'm kind of jealous?"

"Of what?" he asked.

"That they get to have oodles of baby-making sex. Remember how much fun we had?" Meredith said.

Derek smiled. "Hmm, yeah. Spending entire days off naked; having sex between surgeries; waking up in the middle of the night with you on top of me..."

"Hey, I was fertile and horny," Meredith defended.

"All of that hard work paid off," Derek said.

She leaned down and kissed the top of Lilly's head. "Yes, it did."

"See? Things always work out. And Adam's gonna get bigger and healthier, and find a family that loves him," Derek promised her, reaching his finger out to Lilly, who grabbed onto it.

Meredith rested her head on his shoulder and smiled. "Okay," she said, soaking in the quiet time that she'd been wanting all day. "Were you teaching Lilly about keyhole surgeries?"

"Yep. She's a neuro junkie. I know it," Derek said.

"And if she marries Mark's little plastic protégé son, they'll be a brilliant surgical duo," Meredith said.

Derek laughed. "I'm still not sure how I feel about my daughter marrying a Sloan..."

"Lilly could marry Prince Charming, and he still wouldn't be up to par with your standards," Meredith teased him, peeking into the back of Lilly's diaper.

"I'm petty sure Prince Charming is fictional," Derek pointed out.

"I don't know. If you take away the white horse, and replace it with a scalpel, I'd say you come pretty close," Meredith upheld.

He turned his head and looked at her with equal parts confusion and amusement. "I can't tell if that's a compliment, or you're making fun of me."

Meredith reached for a fresh diaper off her nightstand and handed it to him. "It was a compliment."

"Aah, flattering me so that I'll change the surprise in Lilly's diaper?" Derek guessed.

Meredith just smiled at him. "Maybe."