35. Chapter 35

After Kill Shot

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I own 100% of no Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Always." Castle and walked away from Beckett. Then he stopped, walked back and sat in his chair.

"Beckett, please don't do this. Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to me, okay?"

Kate looked confused. "What am I doing? What am I doing to you?"

Rick took a deep breath, then spoke. "I'm your partner, right? We've been together for almost three years, on and off. We're friends, pals, amigos. Right?

Kate frowned. "Does this have a point? If it does, I'd appreciate it if you'd get to it."

"Sorry. You don't let people in. You seem to have this idea that asking for help is some sort of a denial of all that Kate Beckett is. That the world is going to fall apart if you somehow show any weakness."

"I don't claim to be perfect, Castle. As I remember, that's your line." Kate snapped.

"I couldn't tell you how many times when something's been wrong with you that I've asked and been told that you're fine. Everything is great. I know better and you know better."

Kate glared at him. "Fine! I'm not one of those people who goes around whining about how bad my life is, and looking for someone to solve my problems for me. Is that what you want me to be, Castle? Some helpless woman who needs big, strong Castle to look after her? Because that's not me."

"That's not what I want and you know it."

"I do? And how would I know that?"

Castle took a deep breath. "Let me try to get back on the subject. I know I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, but…"

"If you know that, then why bring this up? This is my problem. I'll deal with it. And I don't need any help from someone who admits they're not qualified to help."

"Beckett, I'm not stupid, either. The first case we worked when you got back, you froze when that rocker pointed his gun at you. I saw that. But as usual, Kate Beckett was ten feet tall and bullet proof. You didn't need any help. When the killer had you with a shotgun pointed at you, I had to help you. Do you know how many times that's happened? The six year old on a sugar rush helping you?"

"What does this have to do with anything?" Kate snapped.

"I've been studying up on PTSD ever since that case. I've read about it and I've talked to a guy I know at the VA Medical Center in the Bronx. Hyper-vigilance? An exaggerated startle response? Irritability? Avoidance? I can see that you have those. Beckett, this is a serious problem. You can't just will it to go away. For God's sake, let me help you."

"Castle, forget it. I can…"

"Kate, you are my partner, my friend, someone I care very much about. Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to us. Let me help."

"You want to help? Then just get the hell away from me. Can you do that?"

Castle shot to his feet. "I'm sorry. Every once in a while I get this crazy idea that I'm more than just the guy who brings you coffee every morning. My mistake." Castle turned and headed for the elevator.

By the time Kate recovered, he was gone. She looked at her watch. It was time to go see Dr. Burke.

Kate wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at Dr. Burke. "I have to do better with Castle. We had a fight this afternoon, just before I came here."

"What about?" Dr. Burke asked softly.

"It was a stupid fight. All he wanted to do was to help me with my PTSD. All he was doing was acting like a partner, like a friend…" Kate stopped and tears again formed in her eyes. "He was acting like man who loves me. I acted stupidly. I got mad at him for no reason. I got mad at him because I can't let even Castle get close to me."

"Do you believe that Castle loves you? You seem to have trouble accepting that."

Kate nodded. "Partly it's because I'm such a mess that I have trouble believing he's that interested in me. Any sensible man would have said to hell with Beckett and left me long ago. The second thing is that he's been married twice before. He must have loved his first two wives. What happened?"

"Have you ever asked him?"

Kate shook her head. "No. I've met his ex-wives, though. I really can't see why he'd marry Meredith, his first wife. They were young. I think it was just a mistake. I'm not sure about Gina, his second wife. They got back together for a while, but it didn't last."

"How do you feel about Castle?"

"To begin with, he's my partner as a cop. I don't think I could do this job any more without him. It would be like having a part of me amputated. He's also my friend. He makes me happy, happier than I've been since my mother died."

Kate started crying again. "I'm thirty two years old and I've never had a serious relationship with a man. I had boyfriends in high school and college, but nothing serious. My mom was murdered when I was nineteen. That changed everything. Nothing was more important than finding my mom's killer. I couldn't let anything get in my way, certainly not a relationship. Then Castle came along and suddenly, he mattered to me. He matters more than almost anything. I think he means more than finding my mom's killer."

"Kate, how do you feel about Castle?"

Kate sat and looked away from Dr. Burke for a long time. Finally, "I love him."

"Should you tell him?"

"I'm afraid to. I should, but I'm afraid. I'm not ready."

"That's all right. But shouldn't you tell him you're not still mad at him?"

Castle wondered who was knocking at his door. He left the kitchen and answered the door.

"Beckett? Come in, please." Castle closed the door behind her. "Beckett, I'm sorry about…"

Kate put her hand over Rick's mouth. "Shh. Just let me talk. Okay."

Castle nodded.

"You are the man who brings me coffee every day, and you have no idea how important that is to me. I know when you bring me coffee that I'll have my partner with me. The best partner I could ever ask for. And I'll have my friend with me. I know I complain about your wild theories, but now I know that you'll find some fact and then we'll solve the case with it. And you make me laugh with your theories. When you bring me coffee, I know that a man that I care for deeply will be with me that day."

"So, will you keep bring me coffee?" She asked, resting her head on Castle's chest.

"I'd like to see someone try to stop me."

"Will you be my partner?" She put her hands on his hips.

"Always."

She smiled. "Will you share your wild theories with me?"

"The wilder the better. Prepare yourself for time travelling, undead, extraterrestrial cyborg suspects."

Kate laughed and hugged Rick. "Rick, I know that I've been a bitch to you, and…"

"You have never been a bitch. I don't want you…"

Kate put her hand back over his mouth. "Shh!" She dropped her hand and returned it to his hip. "I'm trying to change, Rick. I don't know exactly where I'll end up, or how I'll get where I'm going, or how long it'll take, or…" Kate sighed. "I'm trying to change. I want to change. I will change."

Rick gently stroked her hair. "Okay. I'll bring you coffee while you change. Speaking of coffee, would you like some? Or wine?"

"Wine. I'd like some wine."

They walked to the kitchen where Castle go out a bottle of red wine and two glasses. Kate noticed a bowl of popcorn and a bowl of M&Ms on the kitchen counter. "Were you expecting company?"

"No. I was going to watch on old movie I have on DVD, To Have and to Have Not."

"Bogart and Bacall?"

"And Walter Brennan. Can't forget him." Rick poured her some wine. "Would you like to stay and watch it with me?"

"I'd love to."