53. Chapter 53

After Still

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Not mine, not at all. Rating: K+ Time: After Still, well, duh!

No sooner had Kate and Rick walked into the loft, than Kate put her arms around Rick and held on tight. Rick could feel her shivering, although it was quite warm. "Are you okay?"

Kate hugged him tighter. "I never thought I'd see this place again. I thought I'd never see anything again. I thought I'd never see you again."

"It's okay. You're okay. I've got you."

"Just hold me, okay? Hold me."

Rick picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. He carefully put her down on the bed and lay down beside her, holding her close. "I'm right here. Everything's okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Ever."

They laid there on the bed for almost half an hour, not saying a word. Finally, Kate spoke. "At least I know I was right."

"Pardon?"

"You fell for me first. I have that in writing."

"What?" Rick was confused.

"Your bucket list. Remember? The first thing on it was "Be with Kate" and you put that on your list three years before." Kate kissed Rick lightly. "That would have been when? About the time we were chasing Scott Dunn with Jordan Shaw? Did you see me when I was naked in my bombed apartment and knew you had to have me?"

"So, how do I know you didn't fall for me earlier than that?" He said softly.

Kate shivered again.

"Kate? What is it?"

"My adrenalin has been pumping all day long. I'm starting to come down from that. I'll be okay." She ran her hand through his hair. "Actually, I spent so much time and effort trying to push you away, to keep you from being my partner, my friend, my lover, that I don't really know when I fell for you. I just know that I did."

"I'm happy about that." He teased.

"Not that you were any help." She whispered.

"What? How was I not a help?"

"Having sex with Meredith and bragging about how great it was? Repeatedly? You made me feel like I was completely sexless as far as you were concerned. Like you just didn't care how I might feel about you talking about how great the sex was. It was worse when I finally met Meredith. Okay, she's hot and all that, and I guess she's good in bed, but marriage? Really? What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't. I've gone over what I was thinking about at the time and my mind was obviously missing. Gone. On another planet." Rick waited for a second. "Sorry."

Kate just snorted. "Then when that model was murdered, I was afraid I'd step on your tongue, you were salivating so badly at all the models. Oh, and what about Rina? She's hardly older than Alexis and you were undressing her with your eyes while I stood right there."

"I undress you with my eyes all the time. I'd rather undress you with my eyes than undress anyone else for real. Than everyone else."

"Now." Kate sniffed. "And what about when you were asked to write three more Nikki Heat books?"

"I thought you liked Nikki?" Castle complained.

"I do. But you were all set to leave me to write some stupid spy books. The only reason you stayed was because Black Pawn made you a better offer. And you didn't even ask to stay with me. Paula asked the mayor. I was hoping that you liked me a little bit, just a little bit, but apparently you stayed because it was a good business decision. You didn't even care enough about me to ask me yourself if you could stay with me. You said it wasn't your fault, like you'd be perfectly happy to go on writing the Nikki Heat books without ever seeing me again." Rick saw tears fall from Kate's eyes and began kissing them away.

"I'm sorry. I did want to be with you, but you always seemed so…angry with me."

"Now you know why I was angry." Kate held onto Rick. "And then you went all gaga over that hooker, Scarlet. And she turned out to be a murderer."

"I do get fooled by women, don't I?"

"Fooled by women? Remember Ellie Monroe?" Kate snapped. "It was obvious to everyone but you that she was just using you to get the part of Nikki Heat. It was obvious what part of your anatomy you were thinking with? And you had the nerve to say I was jealous."

"You were jealous!" Castle exclaimed.

"Of course I was jealous! And if I'd admitted it, you'd have said that I was just trying to sabotage your relationship with her because I was jealous." Kate suddenly looked Rick in the eyes. "Oh! And I missed one! Do you remember when you were New York's ninth most eligible bachelor? And you acted like being linked to me romantically was the worst thing you could have happen to you? How do you think that made me feel?"

"You were angry too." Castle shot back.

"Because you apparently thought that being linked to Detective Kate Beckett was the end of your world."

"Actually, it's the best thing that's ever happened in my world."

"Now." She grumped. "And then there was Demming."

"Demming? How was that my fault?"

"You didn't act like you were at all interested in me. But I had started having fun with you around. I wanted more of that. I wanted the kind of life that other people had. I found Tom. He wasn't you, but he was there for me."

"I was there, too."

"Yeah. You really let me know that you cared." She said sarcastically.

"I did. I was terribly jealous."

"Then why didn't you say something? Let me know how you felt? Fight for me like I was important to you? I thought you were just upset because Tom was taking your place playing cop with me."

"God, Kate, I…"

"And then you invited me to the Hamptons for the weekend. And you said nothing would happen. Did you ever think that maybe I wanted something to happen?"

"No. I didn't. Kate, I'm so sorry."

"I broke up with Demming so I could go to the Hamptons with you. I was going to tell you at your going away party. Then you walked in with…"

"Gina. Oh, crap. How could I have screwed up so badly?"

"You broke my heart. And then when you came back to the city, you didn't call. Why should you want to hang out with some cop when you had your glamorous ex-wife?"

"I thought you were with Demming. I didn't want to see you two together. It would have hurt too much. But I did come back to you."

"As a murder suspect. As far as I knew, I would never have seen you again if you hadn't gotten a phone call from the vic."

"You would have." He whispered in her ear.

"And then you kissed me. You kissed me twice. And what did you say? How fantastic it was that I took that goon out. It was like you didn't even notice you'd kissed me."

"I did notice. I dreamed about that kiss until you kissed me again."

"And when did you finally tell me you loved me? I'll tell you when. I was dying and you finally told me. As screwed up as my life had been since my mom died, you couldn't have picked a worse time to finally tell me you cared for me."

"So this is all my fault?" Castle asked softly.

Kate said nothing for several long minutes. "No. It's all my fault. I had a wall built up that dwarfed the Himalayas. I still can't believe that you put up with me for all those years. If you had any sense, Castle, you'd have found a better girlfriend years ago."

"My utter stupidity is well known. I even believe that I couldn't possibly do better than you. I love you, Kate."

"And I love you. And I don't care who fell for who first. All I care about is that we're together now."

Castle smiled and stroked her hair. "Then let me tell you that I knew you were special from the first day I met you. I started falling in love with you on that day."

"Just as long as you're always in love with me, as I am with you."

"What can I say but, always?"