75. Chapter 75

After Boom

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Boom! I've disclaimed. Rating: K Time: See above

Kate Beckett sat at her desk. Richard Castle had left as had Ryan and Esposito. Of course, Jordan Shaw and the Feds had long since gone. I told Agent Shaw that I had learned a lot from her. The odd part is, that the most important thing I learned was something I didn't want to learn. "He cares for you, Kate." Shaw had said. She wasn't the first, of course. Will Sorenson had told me that Castle liked me. Lanie told me that there's something between us, but I ignored her. I was so sure Lanie was wrong. Kyra Blaine told me, "He's all yours," when she left. She could see it, even if I couldn't.

He's researching a book. I've told myself that a thousand times. And now he's researching three books. Three books? He could write another dozen Nikki Heat books. Nikki and Rook! They are a couple. Which Castle and I are very much not! But Castle has told me I'm Nikki Heat, and it's obvious he's Jameson Rook. Rook, another name for a castle in chess. How obvious could he get! Everyone assumes that if we're not sleeping together, he wants to get me in bed. Do they assume I want him in my bed?

Something suddenly occurred to Kate. Dunn was obsessed with Nikki Heat. Crazy obsessed. How did Dunn feel about Jameson Rook? He wanted Nikki for his very own, as a trophy, of course, but as his very own. Wouldn't he be jealous of Rook? Dunn studied both Nikki Heat and me. He knew about Nikki and Rook, what did he know about Castle and me? Jordan Shaw thought we were sleeping together. Could Dunn have thought that Castle and I were lovers? Even if he knew we weren't, did he know enough about Castle to know he'd be smart enough to figure out that Ben Conrad was not the killer and that I was still a target? Did he plan to kill both of us with that bomb? Did he plan to kill his nemesis, Nikki and her lover, Rook? Or did he plan to kill me and leave Rook/Castle mourning my loss for his entire life? But Castle wouldn't mourn my loss for the rest of his life. That's absurd. Isn't it?

She shook her head to clear it. I have got to settle down. The only person who knows is Scott Dunn. What Dunn really wanted to do is locked in that insane mind of his. Anything he tells us now would be just lies to satisfy his insane ego. I have to stop thinking about this. I'll end up obsessing over it and I know where that leads.

But I can't stop thinking about it. Right in the middle of all of this is Richard Castle. And Richard Castle cares for me. Other people have seen it, but I ignored it. The evidence was there, of course. What kind of a writer spends almost every day shadowing his source, his muse. I wish I could talk to another muse to see how Castle reacted with them. The CIA man? Sure, they'll be happy to put me in touch. Powell, the art thief? I doubt if Castle every cared for him! Kyra? No! Absolutely not!

But that doesn't solve my problem. Castle cares for me. It's more than just a short term thing. I'm not going to be one of "the guys" he knows when he needs a favor or some information. He bought that stupid protective vest that says "Writer" on it so that he could follow me into dangerous situations. He's…Damn it! He's followed me around like…Just like a loyal dog, just like Jordan Shaw said.

What then are my options with Castle? I could ask him out, go to bed with him. Maybe that would get me out of his system. And maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would get each of us in the other's system. No. Bad idea.

Could I be Castle's girlfriend? His lover? God, his third wife? His third ex-wife? I can see Castle saying to his next muse, "I slept with my third ex-wife last night. Let me tell you, sex with someone who hates you is fantastic." If Meredith is the deep fried Twinkie, I'd be…Crap! How can I even think of something so absurd?

Would I be with Castle forever, which is what I want? No. I know him too well. Or do I? I've met his first wife, briefly and when I see Castle with Alexis, I have more and more trouble seeing why he would ever want to marry Meredith? Did he have to marry her? Was she pregnant with Alexis when they got married? I can hardly go to him and ask, now can I? I'll probably never know. Still, if Meredith really isn't his type, who is? Am I? And how can I ask myself a question like that?

He said that the only thing more sexless than our relationship was his second marriage. Now, that does not sound at all like Castle. Was he exaggerating for Shaw's benefit? I saw Gina just once at the book launch party for Storm Fall. She didn't look like she'd be sexless. On the other hand some women get off on power, or money, or…Hell, I'll never know anything about Castle's marriage to her. All I know is that Richard Castle shows absolutely no interest in another marriage. That, he's told me.

So what do I do about Rick Castle, who cares for me? Kick him to the curb? NO! Kate was shocked by the vehemence she felt. No. Castle is the best partner I've ever had. He's really a great detective. In that sense I'm lucky to have him. Ryan and Esposito are good, but they're no Rick Castle, even considering how obnoxious he can be. Castle is more like…me? No, don't think of him that way. More like…Mike Royce? Not Mike, either. Mike was smart and experienced, and he cared for me, too. But Castle is more than Mike was. I'm a better detective with Castle. I have to keep him on my team as long as I can.

On my team or with me? He is fun. I've told him that and it's true. I need that fun. I never realized how much I missed having a life other than as a homicide detective until I met Castle. But fun isn't enough for me anymore. I need more. I deserve more.

I need to look elsewhere.

Kate smiled to herself. She stood up, grabbed her things and left the precinct. She had a much better idea of where she was going.