108. Chapter 108

After Kick the Ballistics

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I own no more Castle than I did in the last 107 chapters. Rating: K Time: See above.

Javier Esposito sat down next to Kate Beckett's desk and leaned over to whisper to her. "Beckett, something's wrong with Ryan."

"What?" Kate asked, turning to look at Espo.

He shrugged. "I don't know. He's moody and distracted. Sits and stares when he should be working. I've asked him about it, but he says he's just tired. Or stressed. Or that he's fine. But I know him. He's not fine."

"What do you want me to do?" She asked, curious.

"I think he may still be upset about Jane Herzfeld's murder. He knows it's not his fault, he knows Philip Lee pulled the trigger. He knows Finn McQueen ratted her out. He knows Seth Carver set her up. But I think he still feels guilty."

"You're sure that's it?"

Espo shook his head, "No. But I know something's bothering him. Could you talk to Ryan? Maybe you can get through to him."

Kate nodded her head. "Sure. I'll go talk to him now. He's in the break room still, right?" She got up and left Esposito thinking: And the queen of holding everything inside her I going to try to get Ryan to talk. Well, I said I would and now I will. I just hope I can help.

She went to the coffee machine and made herself an espresso. She casually looked at Ryan as she did so. He was staring straight ahead. She took her coffee cup and sat across from Ryan. "How are you doing, Kevin?"

He looked up, startled. "Fine. I'm just fine."

She took a sip of her coffee. "No you're not. I can tell. And I don't like being lied to. So, what's wrong? Did I do something?"

Ryan shook his head.

"Espo?"

He shook his head again.

"Castle?"

Ryan shook his head, but Kate noticed just the slightest hesitation before he did so.

"You have a problem with Castle? Look, Kevin, I know he can be a problem at times, but he's really been a help. He's a member of…"

"I know! I know!" Ryan said sharply. "It's…It's about Castle, but it isn't. It isn't his fault, that is."

"I could talk to him. You know Castle, he'll do anything to help."

Ryan shook his head. "Look, let me start from the beginning, okay?"

"Okay. That's always a good place to start."

Ryan stared at the ceiling foe a few seconds, organizing his thoughts. "I've wanted to be a cop for as long as I can remember. Other kids wanted to be a fireman one day, an astronaut the next and then a baseball player. Me, I always wanted to be a cop."

Ryan smiled at a memory. "I studied for the police academy written exam for six months before I took it. I drove my sisters crazy, always wanting them to ask me questions about the police department. I took the exam and I passed. So, next was the Academy. I wasn't the smartest guy in my class. I wasn't the most physical. I wasn't the most knowledgeable. But I was the guy who tried the hardest. I worked my ass off. And then, there I was. Officer Kevin Ryan. I was so happy and so proud."

Kate nodded. "I remember when I graduated. In spite of my mom's death, I was happy. Just for a bit, I was happy."

Ryan nodded appreciatively. "Once I was a cop, I wanted to be a detective. Homicide, burglary, vice, or whatever. I just wanted to be a detective. I went to night school to be a better cop. I took courses in forensics, in fingerprinting, crime scene investigations, the whole nine yards. And I got my detective's shield. And now I'm a homicide cop. I'm on the best homicide team in the NYPD, probably the best anywhere. And this is where I want to be. I don't want to make lieutenant or captain and spend my days behind a desk, pushing paper. This is what I want."

"So how does Castle fit into this?" Kate asked, curious. "Do you have a problem with him not being a cop?"

Ryan shook his head determinedly. "No. No. That's not it at all. He's a member of our team. He's one of us. As far as I'm concerned, he's a cop."

Now Kate really was curious. "So what's the problem?"

"3XK is maybe the worst serial killer New York has ever seen. Maybe the worst in the country. He told Castle that he's changed his face and his name before, which means he's killed before, and probably not just in New York. And who figured out that Jerry Tyson was 3XK and not Marcus Gates. Was it Detective Kevin Ryan? No, it was Rick Castle."

"You said you consider him to be one of us." Kate asked. "How is that a problem? We don't all come to the same conclusions at the same time."

Ryan smiled. "You and Castle do."

"Not all the time." Kate said, returning the smile.

"Look, Beckett, I don't want to be out of line here, but I know you and Castle have feelings for each other."

Kate realized that this was getting into dangerous ground. "Sure. He's my partner. Just like you and Espo."

Ryan smiled and shook his head. "It's nothing like me and Javi and you know it. But, that's not my point. I know that Castle is good. In my mind I can accept that he figured it out and I didn't. But in my heart, "he touched his chest, "I can't stop feeling inadequate. I'm the guy with all the training and experience. I should have figured out Tyson was 3XK, not Castle. Look, I know it doesn't make sense for me to feel this way, but I do. I feel like I'm some kind of phony."

Kate put her hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Do you know who also didn't figure out that Tyson was 3XK? Me. And Espo. And Captain Montgomery. And the whole rest of the NYPD. And probably a lot of other police forces. Do you think less of me because I didn't figure out who 3XK really was?"

Ryan smiled and slowly shook his head. "No. You're the best there is. Well, you and Castle. You're a better detective since he joined us. You two are more than the sum of your parts. He's been good for you. You know that."

Beckett wanted to steer the conversation away from her and Castle. "And I know something else. Castle isn't just some guy who writes books. He worked hard for years to learn about crime and criminals, as well as about cops. He knows an underboss in one of the Five Families. When Doctor Leeds, the plastic surgeon was murdered, Castle just walked right in and asked the guy about Jimmy "The Rat" Moran. Most people who tried that would have gotten a bullet in the ear and a quick trip into the river. Not Castle. He got information no cop could have gotten. The jewelry heists we investigated? Castle knew a retired art thief named Powell. Would Powell have ever talked to a cop? No. Would he talk to Castle? He did. And we got the guy."

"Castle has been training for what he's doing for years, it's just that he calls it research. But any way you look at it, he's had as much training as any of us. Just different training."

Kate noticed that Ryan was nodding as she talked. "Does any of this make you feel better? "

Ryan smiled at her. "Yeah. I think it does. Um, Beckett? Could you not tell anyone about this? I wouldn't want Castle to think I didn't like him, or anything. Like I said, he's one of us."

"Not a word to anyone, I promise. Now, we'd better get back to work." She rose and left the break room, with Ryan following her.

He's one of us. Yes, Castle is one of us. And more, to one of us. She thought.