113. Chapter 113

After Kill Shot, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: After the season six finale, I'm kind of happy I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See Above.

Kate wiped her eyes and looked at Dr. Burke. "I do things and I know I'm making a mistake, but I can't seem to stop. I just don't know how."

"What sort of mistakes are you making? Is it with your work?" Dr. Burke asked quietly.

"No. No, not at work. This case did effect my work, but I did manage to get through it. The mistakes are with Castle."

Dr. Burke nodded. "Can you give me an example?"

She looked at the floor and took a deep breath. "At the end of the case I thanked Castle for not pushing me, and giving me the time and space to get through this myself."

"Why do you think you shouldn't have thanked him? Did he push you?"

She shook her head. "No. No…It's just…"Kate stopped, not sure she could go on. She took another deep breath and then another. "He did what I wanted him to do, but I shouldn't have wanted him to do what he did. Does that make any sense?"

Dr. Burke smiled. "I'm not sure it does. Can you explain?"

"Castle is my partner, he's my friend. He's not just my friend, he's probably my best friend. He's also the man…" Kate stopped, but then continued. "He's the man that I love and who loves me. I shouldn't be pushing him out of my life. I should want him to help me with my problems, but I just can't. I don't know why I can't do that. For years and years now, when I'm alone in my place at night, I think back about the events of the day. It used to be all about the cases I'd worked. What I'd done right, what I'd done wrong. What to do tomorrow. But for months I've found myself thinking about Castle and how I've treated him. And it's always what I've done wrong."

"What, for instance?" Burke asked quietly.

"The case with that insurance investigator. I told Castle that if he wanted to see her, he should do what he wanted to do. I acted like it was of no importance to me what Castle and that woman did."

"But it mattered a great deal to you, didn't it?"

Kate began to cry again. "It hurt. It hurt a lot.

"He did go out with her, didn't he?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of? What exactly does that mean?"

"We thought she was the thief. I told Castle to take her to dinner and be charming while my team and I searched her room. We found some things that I thought proved she was the thief. But they were coming back to her room and we weren't out yet. Castle grabbed her and kissed her, hoping that we could sneak out past them if we hadn't found anything. When I saw them kissing…I was very angry. I was angry at Castle."

"He was essentially working undercover for you, is that a valid assessment of what he was doing, Kate?"

She nodded. Not trusting herself to speak when she remembered how she felt when she saw him kissing Serena.

"So he had to maintain his cover, right?"

Kate shook her head sharply. "That's not the problem. I've been with Castle for years. All he has ever wanted to do is make me happy and keep me safe. I can't let him. I can't let him get that close. I just can't and I want to so badly."

"But you have. You've told me, and you've told Castle, that he brings fun into your life. And he has tried to keep you safe. He shot that serial killer who was about to shoot you, didn't he? He's done a lot to keep you safe and you've let him, haven't you."

"I had no choice."

"Yes, you did. You could tell Castle to leave you, couldn't you?"

She shook her head violently. "No! Never! I couldn't do that. How could you suggest that?"

"I'm not suggesting it, Kate. I'm saying that theoretically you have the option of letting Castle go. You have broken up with him before, haven't you?"

She nodded.

"Kate, you don't have to let Castle in your life all at once. You don't need to call him over and tell him all of your deepest secrets. All you have to do is let him do something for you. Or do something for him. Let him help you in some small way, that way the next time you want his help, it won't be so hard to ask."

"Do you think that'll work?" She asked, thinking of several things.

"Yes. Don't you?"

She nodded and smiled. "And if did something for him, rather than letting him do it for me, that would help?"

"Yes, as long as you allow yourself to let yourself get emotionally closer to Castle."

"I have an idea."

Early the next morning, Kate arrived at Java Joint and asked the barista is Castle had been in yet, even showing him a picture of Castle.

"No, he comes in almost every day, but he hasn't been in yet. I she dangerous, detective?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I saw your badge and gun when you pulled out the picture. Is this guy dangerous? I have to protect my clients, you know."

Kate smiled at the thought of Castle as a hardened criminal. "No, he's my partner. He's not some dangerous felon."

"He's a cop?" The barista said in disbelief. "Him?"

Kate looked around as if checking to see that no one was listening. "Is he a cop? There's no one on the force tougher or meaner than him. He's "Killer" Castle. He's killed more people than cancer."

"Wow." The barista looked suitably impressed.

Five minutes later, Castle come in. "Beckett! What are you doing here?"

"I'm buying you a cup of coffee."

"You are? Was there something wrong with the coffee I've been bringing?"

This was not going as Kate had expected. "No, the coffee has been fine. But you've been bringing me coffee for years now. It's my turn. Okay?"

"If you say so." Castle didn't sound convinced.

Kate ordered the two coffees, noticing the barista couldn't stop looking at Castle with a nervous expression on his face. Kate handed Rick his cup of coffee. "See. I can buy you coffee."

"Um, do you want me to buy the coffee tomorrow?" he asked, tentatively.

"Sure." She thought for a minute. "Maybe we can go to lunch tomorrow."

Rick Castle was not sure what was going on, but he thought he liked it.