193. Chapter 193

AU After Last Call, Yet Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Last call for Castle fanfic tonight, folks! Rating: M Time: See above.

Rick Castle was enjoying being the host and new owner of the Old Haunt. He went around to the few patrons who were still there, talking to them and buying drinks for them. He went to make sure that his friends from the 12th were well taken care of and discovered that Beckett was missing. For a second he thought she had gone home, but he saw her jacket over the back of her chair.

He walked back to the bar and motioned for Brian, his bartender. "Have you seen Detective Beckett? The woman we came in with?"

"Sure. She went into the back bar about half an hour ago. There's no one there, so I guess she wanted to be alone. She had me pour her four Scotch rocks and took them with her."

"How did she look?" Rick asked, concerned.

"For the amount of Scotch she already had in her, she looked pretty good, but she's had too much, I think."

Rick nodded and walked to the back bar. Kate was leaning against the bar, sipping her drink. Castle walked over to her, but she ignored him. "You okay, Beckett?" he finally asked.

"Castle, leave me alone."

"Beckett, I'd like to know…"

He turned on him. "Castle, leave me alone, dammit! Can't you do that just once?"

She was glaring at him, and normally Castle would have left her alone. But not now. "You're in my bar. I've had to learn about the laws of New York where places that sell liquor are concerned. I have a legal responsibility to my customers, that's you, to insure that you do not become too inebriated to function and injure yourself. So, as the person who could be held legally liable for any injuries to you, I'll ask again: How are you?"

"I'm fine, Castle." She said softly. "I could drink you under the table and still be able to walk home. Okay?"

"Okay. I just want to make sure nothing happens to you."

He was about to leave when Kate laughed. "You want to make sure nothing happens to me, Castle. That's funny."

He turned back to her. "Why is that so funny?"

"So, you know why I can drink so much and not get drunk?" Before Castle could reply, she told him. "My father was drunk for five years after my mom died. For five years I'd come home and find him passed out in his own vomit on the floor, or have to haul him out of some bar, or have to make excuses for him to clients or neighbors. Once I came home and he was sitting in his chair, drunk, and I took his bottle and I was going to pour it down the drain, but he staggered out of the chair and came after me. When I held it away from him, he hit me. He hit me, Castle. I pushed him onto the floor and poured the bottle out and ran out of our home, crying."

By this time tears had started to pour down Beckett's cheeks. Castle put his arms around her and she rested her head on his chest and cried. "And every time, he'd feel remorse and he'd promise he'd never drink again, and in two or three days, or a week, he'd be drinking again."

Kate grabbed Castle's shirt and held on. "And for five years I wondered why my father didn't love me enough to stop drinking? Why couldn't channel what he felt into something useful like I was doing? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he love me as much as I loved him?"

"You're the strongest person I know. I am absolutely in awe of how strong and determined you are. And you did save your father. You did, Kate."

She nodded against his chest. "I know. But I felt that way for five years. Five years, Castle. Do have any idea what that's like? How much it hurts?"

Castle had no reply for her. He just held her and stroked her hair.

"And I was a cop. I had to deal with all the problems a cop faces and I had to try to find my mom's killer. And everyone told me it was mindless gang violence and that my mom wouldn't want me to spend my whole life trying to find her killer. I spent every minute I could going over her file and after three years I had nothing. I pretty much fell apart. All I had was the job, so I put everything in the job to try to make what I'd done worthwhile. I felt like such a failure and a quitter. My mom never quit, but I did."

"Beckett, you can't blame yourself. And we both know you didn't quit. "

"The only person who seemed to care was Royce. He told me I was right and that I should never give up. But I did give up. Royce gave up, too. He became a crook. I had to arrest him. I don't know, Castle. Maybe I did love him. Maybe it was just hero worship. But I feel like a failure with Royce, too."

"He failed you. Not the other way around."

"Easy for you to say."

"But I'm right."

"And then I met Richard Castle." She looked up at him with tears still in her eyes. "You have no idea how much I hated you."

"You made it pretty clear." He said, but smiled.

She put her head back on his chest, but put her arms around him and leaned against him. "You're books helped save me after Mom died. I could enter a world where good triumphed and evil was punished. You saved my sanity, Castle. And then I met you. You were such a damned disappointment. I had this idea of you as some brilliant criminalist and you turned out to be an over aged frat boy." She ran her hand over his chest. "And then you did something that really hurt me."

"What?"

"You made me realize that Kyle Cabot was innocent and that I'd arrested the wrong man. Worse, you managed to chase down and capture the real killer."

"I had help. I remember, I was there. So were you."

"And then you proceeded to hurt me again."

Castle was surprised by this admission. "What? How did I..? Beckett, I'd never intentionally…I mean, I'm sorry…"

"The one thing I asked you never to do and you had to go do it. You looked into my mom's case. I was so hurt. I thought you liked me, just a little, but you did the one thing you knew would hurt me the most."

"Kate, I didn't do it to hurt you. If I didn't find anything, you would have never known I looked into it. It wouldn't have gone into the book. Never."

"I know." She took a deep breath. "Now. And worst of all, you were right. And the man who murdered my mom is dead because of you."

"I'm sorry, Kate. That cut off your only lead. I wish I could have done something else, but…"

"Castle!" She said sharply. "I'm a cop, Do you think I'd let an armed murderer walk out of the precinct? As soon as Coonan grabbed the gun. I knew I had to kill him."

"Still, I wish I had…" She put a hand over his lips,

"Shh!" She said softly, "And then you broke my heart again."

"What?" He put his hand on her chin and tried to lift her head up so he could look at her, but she kept it down.

"You were going to leave me to write those damned James Bond books. I thought you liked working with me. I thought we were friends. But you wanted to leave."

"But I never wanted to leave you. I didn't leave you."

"Only because there was more money in Nikki Heat. And you spent the whole day telling me that you didn't want to be with me anymore, that it was all Paula's idea. Do you know how much that hurt?"

"Kate! I thought you were mad at me for agreeing to more Nikki Heat books and more shadowing you. I was trying to apologize."

"You did a lousy job, Castle."

"Kate, honey, I'm so sorry."

She stiffened. "What did you call me?"

He took a deep breath and gathered his courage. "I called you Kate, honey. It's a term of endearment and I use it because I care for you. I care for you a lot."

Her body relaxed against his. "And then you broke my heart again."

"Oh, crap. Can't I do anything right?"

She laughed. "You offered to take me to the Hamptons last summer, but I turned you down because I was with Tom Demming."

"Yeah. I remember." He said quietly.

"But I broke up with Tom so I could go with you. I was going to accept when Gina walked in."

"Oh, crap. I can't do anything right. Kate, I'll make it up to you. I will."

"And you only came back to me because I arrested you for murder and you got interested in the case. Would I have ever seen you again if your friend had called someone else?"

"Yes, of course."

"Maybe." She replied.

"Kate, please believe me…"

Kate cut him off. "Do you know what Will Sorenson, Tom Demming and Josh have in common?"

Castle could think of a number of things, none of which he wanted to think about. He just shrugged.

"They couldn't hurt me. They couldn't break my heart. Do you know why?"

"No."

"I didn't love them." She was silent for several minutes. "Do you know why you could break my heart?"

"No."

She waited for long minutes, then she whispered. "I love you."

Castle's reaction was one part shock and one part joy. He hugged Kate and whispered in her ear. "I love you, too. I love you, Kate."

"You're with Gina." She said quietly.

"I was with her because I couldn't be with you. It was a mistake. I knew that by the end of the first week in the Hamptons. And you're with Josh."

"I'm dating a man I don't love, explaining myself to the man I do love. Josh is a mistake, too. And loving you is probably a mistake, too. But I've made the mistake and I can't do anything about it."

Castle was confused. "Why is it a mistake?"

"Did you love your wives when you married them?"

"Yes." He could see where this was going. "But what I feel for you is different. Different than from what I felt for Meredith, or Gina, or even Kyra. I do love you, Kate."

She reached up and kissed him. "And I love you, too, Castle. But you're Richard Castle and I'm me… Some cop. Do you really think this will last? That you won't break my heart again?"

"You have no idea how remarkable you are, do you?"

She smiled and kissed him again. He took his hand and put it on her boob, squeezing his hand and her boob. "Do you want to go somewhere? I want to fuck you so badly. I've needed you for so long." She breathed. She took his other hand and rubbed it over the front of her pants, feeling herself getting hot and wet.

He moved his hands from her. "I want you as well, but not while you're drunk. And I have to break up with Gina first."

She nodded. "I'm not so drunk that I don't know what I'm doing, Rick. I'll remember every word of this tomorrow and I'll feel the same. But, I still should break up with Josh."

"I should take you home."

"You've been drinking, Castle." She said with a giggle.

"In a cab, of course."

When they arrived at her apartment, she leaned against the door, trying to get her key in the lock. He took the key from her and opened the door. "Come in, Castle."

He followed her into her bedroom.

"Help me undress and get in bed, please."

He undressed her. She stood back. "Like what you see?" She was slurring her words now.

"I love what I see."

She kissed him, running her tongue inside his mouth and rubbing herself against him.

"So you have any idea how hard you're making it for me to be a gentleman?" He asked.

"I know how hard I'm making you." She teased.

She was starting to sway, so he pulled the covers back and put her in her bed. He knelt beside her and kissed her softly. "I love you, Kate."

Her hand snaked out from under the covers and pulled him into a soft, wet kiss. "Love you." He whispered.

The next morning Castle came into the precinct with two cups of coffee, a bearclaw and butterflies in his stomach. He put the coffee down on her desk.

She looked up and smiled at him. Except for bloodshot eyes, she looked perfectly normal. "Thanks."

He had decided he should give her an out." You were pretty drunk last night. You probably don't remember anything."

She looked at him quite seriously. "I remember everything we said, and everything we did. I told you I would."

He looked around quickly. She noticed. "Making sure no one can hear you?"

"No, making sure Ryan and Esposito aren't around to interrupt. If they come near us, I'll throw something at them." He leaned in close to her. "I love you. I meant everything I said last night, too. I want to take you to the Hamptons for a weekend, or a week, or however long you can get away. I want you to know that I think we can make this work. That we'll be together always. You're the one, Kate. You're what I've been looking for."

She looked at him for a long time. "You terrify me. You know that, right? You could absolutely destroy me with a word."

"The only words you'll hear from me, are I love you."

"I love you, too. And I can probably get a week from Montgomery. But we'll have to be careful. Colleagues aren't supposed to date."

"My lips are sealed."

She laughed. "That I'd like to see." She looked at him seriously. "I hope this will work."

"I know it will."