218. Chapter 218

After Till Death Do Us Part, Yet Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Wait a minute. Death? Allow me to just say that I don't own Castle and leave it at that. I mean death? Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate Beckett was content. Not exactly happy, but content. For the first time since she had known him, Castle had spoken positively about a possible marriage. He had told Kevin that he was a lucky man. And now Kate and her partner was dancing closely at the Ryan's reception.

Kate allowed her mind to wander. I've finally confessed to myself that I want to be more than I am. I want help in being something more and I'm getting that help. And I know that something involves Castle. And for the first time I have evidence that Castle wouldn't automatically reject a possible marriage. And that's what I've always wanted. I want always, as Castle puts it. Always is what my parents had and what I thought for the longest time that I'd never have.

"Maybe the third time would be the charm, Beckett." Castle said softly.

She hadn't been paying attention to anything but her own internal dialogue and replied without thinking. "If you can find someone who'd want you." She realized she had made a terrible mistake as soon as the words were out of her mouth. She felt Castle stiffen and as the music stopped, Castle disengaged from her and began to walk away.

"Castle! Wait!" She followed him, but he refused to meet her eyes, staring resolutely ahead, ignoring her as she walked beside him. "Castle, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It just slipped out."

"Which is it, Beckett? You didn't mean it or it just slipped put?" He said without looking at her.

Castle walked through the door and found himself outside. However, he had made a wrong turn and instead of finding himself in the parking lot, he was in a garden behind the parish hall of Saint Mark's. Castle turned around to go back through the reception to the parking lot and his car, but Kate put her arms around him and held on tight. "I'm sorry! I'm very sorry, Castle. I shouldn't have said that. It was cruel and stupid and I regret it. Please accept my apology. Please?"

"You're sorry, Beckett, but that's the sort of thing you've been saying to me for as long as we've known each other. But, fine. Your apology is accepted. Now I'd like to go home now. Okay?"

She didn't let him go. "Dance with me? The DJ is playing Sinatra. Dance with me, please?"

Castle could feel Beckett's warm, toned body pressing against him. He made one more attempt. "No. I'm going home."

"Okay." She said, but retained her grip on him.

"Are you going to let me go?" He asked, caught between his rising anger towards her and the growing desire he felt for her.

She shook her head. "No. If you want to leave, you'll have to go out through the reception with me hanging onto you."

Castle sighed and began dancing with Beckett. She kept her arms wrapped around him. When Sinatra's It Was a Very Good Year was over, the DJ put on Springsteen's Glory Days. Even so, Rick and Kate danced slowly. Halfway through the dance, Rick relaxed and began stroking Kate's neck. No matter what she does, Kate would be the third time and she would be a charm. I just wish I could figure her out. I just wish I had some idea of where I stand with her. Where we're headed, if anywhere.

"Rick, can we talk? I think there's a bench over there behind those roses. Can we?"

Rick let her lead him to the bench and they sat. She rested her head on his shoulder. "Christmas 1998. I was so happy. I was a student at one of the best Universities on the planet, I was headed for a top tier law school and a brilliant career in the law. I had friends, outside interests, and my family. Especially my mom. I loved my dad, of course, but my relationship with my mom was special. Something like your relationship with Alexis, I guess."

"Christmas 1998?" Castle asked. He knew what was coming.

"Yes. Then, on January 9th, 1999, my whole world collapsed. My mom was murdered. I didn't go back to Stanford. I had no enthusiasm for the law after that. My dad began drinking and I decided to apply to the police academy. The first three years after that were pure hell, somewhat relieved by having Mike Royce for a friend and a partner. I hit a dead end with my mom's case and my dad was still drinking. I gave up on Mom's case but I couldn't get Dad to stop drinking. I felt like the world's biggest failure. Everyone, except Royce, had told me that I'd have to get over my mom's murder and move on. It looked like they were right."

Rick put his arm around her. "Kate, you're anything but a failure. You're remarkable."

She shrugged. "That wasn't at all how I felt, Castle. But, like Roy Montgomery, I compensated by putting everything I had into the job. It became my life. My whole reason for being."

She turned a bit to look at Castle. "Do you know why I think I was attracted to Will Sorenson?"

Castle shook his head. He had a lot of ideas about what had attracted them, but he had no intention of saying anything.

"The case that we worked was a kidnapping. The victim, a six year old boy, was dead by the time we found him. It made me feel more like a failure. And, if I was a failure, so was he. That was all I deserved, another failure. And then he left be for Boston and I felt more alone and miserable."

"Kate, you don't have to…"

She put her hand over his mouth. "Shh!" Kate went on. "Then my life was turned completely upside down again. Some writer wanted to stalk me."

"Stalk?" Castle said, but with a smile.

She shrugged and gave him a smile. "Or something like that. But, like I told you when I saw you after my shooting, I had this wall built up within me. It makes me push people away so that I won't get hurt like I did when my mom died. But I'm working on it, Castle. I'm working on it. And I think the wall is coming down. What do you think?"

"I have noticed you haven't threatened my life in a long time and my legs remain unbroken."

She grinned. "See?"

"So I guess you're doing better."

"I hope so. And there's one other thing, Castle. In a lot of ways my life stopped when I was nineteen. I had boyfriends in high school and college, and I even convinced myself I was in love in high school. I've had other relationships with men since then, but like I told you, I always kept one foot out the door. I've never really had a real, mature, adult relationship with a man. I really don't know how to do that. And that scares me. And when I get scared, I run. But I don't want to run."

She bit her lip. "Does that make sense?"

"It does, Kate. It does."

"So…?"

"So we should go back inside and dance. Just don't keep one foot out the door while you're dancing. We could fall down."

She smiled. "I won't."