227. Chapter 227

AU After the Limey

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I say, old boy, but Castle tisn't mine. Rating: M Time: See above.

As the elevator door closed on Castle, Kate Beckett picked up her phone to call Colin Hunt. She found that it went straight to voicemail. "Damn! He's probably turned his phone off." She thought for a second and dialed again. "Lanie, can I drop by. I need to talk to you."

A half an hour later she was sitting in her friend's apartment, sipping wine. "He's pulling away from me, Lanie. First he shows up at a crime scene with that blonde, then he leaves in the middle of an investigation to go have lunch, and finally, he discusses the case with her. And when I tried to talk with him after the case was over, he blew me off. He said Jacinda was waiting and he had to go."

"And?" Lanie asked, sharply.

"And I'm upset. I mean he won't even talk to me."

"Maybe he didn't think you had anything to say to him. Nothing important, anyway."

"Lanie! I wanted to talk about us."

"Did you tell him that?"

Kate frowned. "No, I didn't get the chance. But he just cut me off and walked away, back to his blonde."

Lanie looked at Kate seriously. "Sweetie, I've been watching you two for almost four years now. In that time you have never given Castle any reason to believe that he's any more to you than some guy who brings you coffee every morning and helps you solve murders. You have given him absolutely zero encouragement in that time. Zero! He has plenty of reasons to think you're not interested in him. So why listen to you?"

"I know. I know." Kate said quietly.

"To tell you the truth, I'm surprised he's stayed with you this long. Surprised? Hell, I'm amazed. He loves you, Kate. No man would put up with what you've put him through unless he was in love with you. But we all reach a point where we say things aren't going to go my way, so I have to try something else. That happened to me with dancing. And it's happening with Castle."

"I just need to talk to him, Lanie. If he'd just listen to me."

"Kate, you've been in charge of the relationship with Castle from the beginning. You played by your rules and you made him follow those rules. You had issues, you had problems, and Castle was willing to go along with that. But no longer. He's in charge now. He's doing things by his rules and resolving his issues. And his main issue is Kate Beckett and what to do about a relationship that has gone no place in four years. And pretty obviously, he's decided it's time to move on."

"Our relationship has evolved. He's different than he was. I'm a hell of a lot different. You can see that."

Lanie nodded. "Yes, you have changed and so has he. But you two are no closer to being a couple than you were the day you met him."

Lanie took Kate's hand. "Sweetie, I remember what you were like before Castle came along. You were lonely and unhappy. Do you want to go back to being that way? Do you?"

Kate shook her head slowly. "No." She said in a whisper.

"And think about Castle. He's invested four years of his life with you. He's risked his life for you. He's been hurt doing your job, not his. Don't you think you owe him a chance to make a decision based on how you really feel about him? Don't you owe him that much?"

Kate just nodded and started to cry.

"Then you have to talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel and ask how he feels. And if you're lucky, he'll want you and not the blonde. And if he doesn't want you, at least you both can move on. But you need to go see him now! Tonight! Even if he's with the blonde. The longer you wait, the farther away from you he gets."

Kate left Lanie's with a sick feeling in her stomach. Would Castle really want to be with some broken cop? He said he needed fun and uncomplicated. There's no way that Kate Beckett is fun and uncomplicated. I can't compete with the Jacindas of this world. I'm just not equipped to be fun and uncomplicated anymore. I was, once. But not now .Kate squared her shoulders. But Lanie is right. Castle has a right to make any decision about us based on how I feel about him. I have to tell him, even if it means we're over.

I'm going to lose him. I know it. Unless I've already lost him.

Kate drove to Castle's loft and parked. She looked up at his floor. The windows were dark. He's either in bed with her, or they're out. I shouldn't…No. I can do this. I must do this.

The doorman knew her so she had no problems getting access to the building. She took the elevator to his floor and knocked loudly on the door. No answer. Kate's stomach felt like it was full of churning, razor sharp icicles. She knocked again, louder. Still no answer. She took a deep breath and sat down. Okay, I'll wait.

She sat for hours. Twice she heard the elevator coming, but it didn't stop at Castle's floor. A little after 2 AM the elevator door opened and Castle and Jacinda walked out. He had his arm around her and was nuzzling her ear. He's never done that to me. She thought. Why would he think I wanted that?

Castle saw her rising from the floor in front of his loft. His smile faded and his face clouded over with anger. "Beckett! What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk."

"Is it about a case?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Then we don't need to talk. I have a guest and I'm busy." He took out his keys and opened his door, ushering Jacinda in.

"We need to talk about us." She said as the door closed.

"In case you don't remember, there is no us." He said through the door.

She knocked on the door again, but got no response. She looked at the elevator and took a step toward it. No! I won't run away again. I will talk to Castle if I have to stay here all night.

Kate sat back down on the floor in front of his door and tried to get comfortable. She wasn't at all comfortable, and she was upset, but eventually she fell asleep.

"Hey! Are you still here?" A strange voice woke her up.

Kate looked up to see Jacinda, dressed in her flight attendant's uniform and pulling a suitcase. Kate rubbed her eyes. "Yeah. I wanted to talk to Castle."

"You're the cop he's been with?"

Kate just nodded.

"I have a flight back to Vegas, but he's still asleep. I don't know what's going on between you two, but he's been upset. You two should talk. I've left the door open." As Kate went to the door, Jacinda added, "Good luck."

Kate thanked her and went into the loft. She checked his bedroom to find Castle sound asleep. She quickly decided what she needed to do. She went into the bedroom and quickly stripped, then got in bed next to him. I've imagined being in Castle's bed, but never like this. But the bed was warm and comfortable and she was soon asleep.

Castle slowly came awake. This is the way my life should be. No damned walls. No endless excuses. No seeing her flirt with other men and ignore me. My little blonde Jacinda is what I need. He opened his eyes and saw the naked form lying next to him. It took a second, but something was wrong. Very wrong. Very un-blonde.

"Beckett!" He yelled. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?"

"I told you we needed to talk." She said sleepily.

"How the hell did you get in here? In the loft? In my bed?"

"I slept in the hallway last night. Jacinda had a flight to catch. She woke me up and let me in. I was cold and stiff and still tired, so I got in bed with you."

"What the hell…Why would you….How can you…?" Castle spluttered.

Kate swung her legs out of bed. "Do you want some coffee? I could use some coffee." She got up and headed for the kitchen. Castle couldn't help but notice that she was not just naked, but gorgeous.

He sat there for a few seconds, trying to figure out what had happened, then following her into the kitchen, grabbing his robe and Kate's clothes from the floor.

"Put your clothes on and leave." He said, pulling his robe on.

"No."

"No?"

"If you want me out of here, you'll have to throw me out, stark naked, kicking and screaming. I'm here to talk to you and talk we will."

Castle shook his head in disbelief. "Okay. Talk and then get out."

"Coffee first. I need my coffee in the morning." Kate busied herself with the coffee maker. Castle couldn't help noticing that she seemed to make an effort to be sexy around him, swinging her boobs and jiggling her perfect ass as she moved. Finally, she had two cups of coffee ready. She handed him one.

"Now will you talk?" He asked. "And leave?"

Kate took a deep breath. "I love you, Castle. I've loved you for years now. I've fought it and I know how badly I've screwed up things, but I love you. I love you, Rick."

Castle's jaw dropped and then he did something Kate hadn't expected. He laughed. "You are absolutely unbelievable. You're either lying to me, or you have absolutely the most bizarre and twisted idea of what love is about that I have ever heard. You love me? Do you really expect me to believe that for a second?"

She nodded. "Yes. Because it's the truth. All I want is a chance to show you how much I love you. How badly I need you." Kate put her arms around him and held him tight. He could feel the warmth of her body through his thin robe. "You see me as the tough, kick ass detective Kate Beckett. And, I am that. But I'm also a terrified nineteen year old who lost her mother and had her whole world fall apart. I spent the next dozen years hanging onto the only thing I had, the desire to get justice for my mom and others like her. And like me. I was lonely and unhappy, but I didn't think I had any options. And then I met you. I changed. I changed a lot, but I never thought that Richard Castle would ever love a badly broken, totally fucked up cop. He'd never love me like I loved him, he'd never stay in love with me, and he'd never be what I had always hoped I'd find, a life-long partner. My one and done. So, I looked elsewhere, but I still loved you."

Kate was starting to cry. "So this is what I want to say to you. Whatever you want, Castle, that's what I'll be. You just want a fuck buddy for a little casual sex, that's me. You want a friend, that's me. You want a partner on the homicide team, that's me. You want more, you want always, that's me, too. All I want is for you to let me be with you and try to show you just how much I love you, because I will always love you, Richard Castle. I will love you until my final breath."

Castle put his arm around her and began to stroke her hair. "That's a lot to process, Beckett. I know I can trust you with my life, but I'm not sure I can trust you with my heart."

She said nothing, but continued crying.

"I need to know something. Do you remember what I told you when you were shot?"

She nodded. "You told me that you loved me."

"And when you brought the pickpocket up and were interrogating him, I heard you tell him that you remembered everything about when you were shot. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? To think that you not only didn't love me, but that you were so embarrassed, or ashamed, or whatever, that you couldn't even talk to me about it."

"I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm sorry about everything. Please, please, let me make it up to you. Please."

He put his other arm around her. "I love you, Kate. After everything, I still love you. But I'm just not sure that this will work between us."

Kate began sobbing and started to pull away. He pulled her back. "But you deserve a chance. We deserve a chance. And I don't want you thinking that this is all your fault. There are thousands of things I should have done." He lifted her head and kissed her softly. "I love you, Kate."

"I love you, Rick."

Kate's hand snuck under his robe and found that he was getting hard. She began stroking him. She pulled him towards the bedroom. "You coming, Castle?" She asked softly.