256. Chapter 256

After Valkyrie

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Even if the First of the Ninth threatened me, I would not claim to own Castle. (Figure out that reference.) Rating: K Time: See above.

As she always did, Kate managed to stuff her emotions so that she could concentrate on keeping Castle alive. She told him everything they knew about the case, which was very little.

She held his hand in both of hers. "Castle, I swear to you, we'll get through this." She squeezed his hand tighter. "I love you, Castle you know that. You know how much I love you and need you."

He smiled at her. "I know. I know."

Kate suddenly shook her head. "How could I have screwed this up so badly? I'm so damned sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry."

Castle frowned, then smiled. "Hey. This is not your fault. I got myself into this. If I'd listened to you…"

Kate shook her head. "That's not it." She took a deep breath, looked down and then spoke. "I'm ashamed to say this, Castle, but I don't know when I fell in love with you." She shook her head slowly again. "I can't tell you within a year when I finally fell in love with you. In fact, I spent years, too damned many years, pushing you away and telling myself that I did not love Richard Castle. If I had just not been so frightened, so terrified of feeling something for someone, if I had just opened my damned eyes to see"…She stopped and smiled, "…that you were right there, just like you said. Things would be different. We should have gotten together way before we did. We'd be married by now, probably. I should have had the courage to speak to you. To let you know how I felt. I should have done something…." She couldn't meet his eyes. "But I couldn't do anything."

He put his other hand over both of hers. "You had walls." She nodded and he smiled at her, getting a weak smile in return. "And I know how those walls got there. You didn't set out to wall yourself off. Someone made you put up those walls. And I hope he burns in hell for eternity for what he did to you. And not just to you, but your mom, dad, friends, and me as well."

"We'll get him." She whispered.

"You bet."

"I can tell you some of the times when my feelings changed for you. One was after I shot Coonan. You apologized to me and told me that you couldn't follow me anymore. You were so damned serious, and so cute and so sweet, and I wasn't about to let you go. But as usual I screwed up. I said something about liking you pulling on my pigtails. What a stupid thing to say to a man who had helped me find my mom's killer. I should have told you that I liked you. That I wanted more. But I didn't. So stupid." She shook her head again and looked away.

He squeezed her hand again. "A wall that someone else put up for you. I was just happy that I got to stay with you."

Kate nodded. "You should have stayed with me all right. You should have stayed in my bed. Actually, I should have taken you up on your offer after the Tisdale case. I should have slept with you then."

"No. We weren't ready for that. We both had to change a bit. At that time I didn't really recognize how remarkable Detective Kate Beckett was."

She blushed. "You keep saying that, but I've always had trouble believing that. I'm not remarkable. The only thing that's remarkable about me is that I somehow managed to get Rick Castle to fall in love with me. And I can't quite understand how you could fall in love with some obsessed, insecure, badly broken cop. I think that deep down inside I'll always have a small part of me that feels that one day you'll look and see that I'm not remarkable after all, and we'll be over."

"Ah! I see what you're doing, Beckett. Working on my will to live. If I intend to spend the rest of my life convincing you that you are indeed remarkable, I'm going to have to live a long time. And I'll live with you."

She smiled in spite of how she felt. "You've seen through my cunning plan." He just nodded. "But my plans haven't been very cunning, have they? There was Demming. I practically threw you out of the precinct so I could be with him, and he didn't mean anywhere near as much to me as you did." She smiled at him. "You made me happy, Castle. You were fun. And after years of being alone and lonely, I wanted fun. I was sure that Rick Castle would never stay with me, so I chose Demming. But, I did come to my senses and was ready to go to the Hamptons with you."

Castle groaned. "I know. I know. And I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you by taking Gina instead of you."

"I should be begging your forgiveness after how I treated you." She said softly. "That was all my fault, and you know it."

Castle shook his head. "I know just how much pain you've had in your life. I feel terrible about every single thing I've done to hurt you. Ellie Monroe, Gina, waiting until you'd been shot to tell you that I love you, not telling you that I overheard you with that pickpocket, lying to you about Smith, Jacinda, walking out on you when I found out about the job interview. For the rest of my life, I'll regret all that I've done to hurt you, Kate."

"Then you should know that you've given me more joy and happiness than I ever expected to have in my life. For the rest of my life, I'll thank you for that."

"So, another reason for me to stay alive?"

"Absolutely." She thought for a second. "Castle, I know how I felt then, but now, more than anything I wish I'd done things differently. I heard you break up with Gina on the phone. I should have gone to you and told you that I knew Josh didn't mean as much to me as you did. I should have told you in the hospital that I did remember you telling me that you love me. I wish so much that I had spent that three months with you and not alone. When you told me again that you loved me, I should have accepted it. I'd known for too long that I loved you and that you loved me. I never should have let you leave. I should have grabbed onto you and never let go. I should have known that my best chance to catch my mom's killer was with you. I should have known that my only chance at happiness is with you."

"We've grabbed onto each other and we will never let go. We'll be together. Always." Castle leaned in and kissed her quickly.

"I didn't always think that. When I came to you that night, I still didn't believe that we'd be together always. I just didn't care anymore. I wasn't going to wait for my one and done, I just wanted you! I was willing to accept whatever you wanted from me. If all you had wanted was a one night stand…"

"You couldn't have believed that was all I wanted. You couldn't."

Kate smiled at him. "Okay, I did know better than that. But when we met at the swings again, I knew you were going to break up with me. I knew it."

"You were wrong."

Kate laughed. "I was so wrong."

There was a knock on the door and the doctor from Walter Reed Hospital came in. Kate excused herself to get back to work.

"Anything new?" She asked Rachel.

"No." Rachel was giving her an odd look.

"Something wrong?" Kate asked, fearing the worst.

"You really had a problem getting together with your fiancé, didn't you?"

In an instant Kate figured it out. "Oh my god! We were in interrogation and everyone could see and hear us!"

Rachel smiled. "No. I made sure that I was the only one who heard or saw you two. Now let's get to work. You two have put too much work into this to let anything happen to Castle."

Author's note: So, I'm back in Arizona for the winter and back writing the After…series.