315. Chapter 315

After The Mistress Always Spanks Twice

Episode 2.16

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I haven't been a bad boy. I've never claimed to own Castle. Rating: M. Time: See above.

Rick Castle yawned and stretched. He was just starting the fifth re-write of a chapter of his latest Nikki Heat book. He knew exactly how he wanted the chapter to end, but somehow just couldn't get through the beginning in a way that satisfied him. He noticed that his back was starting to kink. He stood and stretched, then walked over to the window.

Something slapped him on the ass. Hard. "Hey!" He yelled, grabbing his butt. He whirled around to see who had hit him. "Meredith?"

"Mistress Meredith to you." The figure in black leather said haughtily. "Josh! Undress this person."

"DMB! What the hell are you doing in my loft? Out! The two of you, right now."

Josh paid no attention to him but ripped Rick's clothing off in one quick pull.

'Very good Josh. I'm almost sorry I turned you into a castrato back when I was divorcing Rick, but you have such a lovely soprano voice now. Almost."

Josh moaned gratefully, knowing better than to say anything.

Meredith slapped Rick on his butt with a riding crop again.

"Get the hell out of here, Meredith. You'll hear from my lawyers in the morning."

Meredith laughed. "As it happens I have every right to be here and to do this. You should have read the divorce decree more carefully."

Judge Markway nodded approvingly. "It's true, Rick. There's a paragraph written on the edge of the decree in Latin, and it's perfectly legal. Sorry, but you should have spent less time trying to get into your attorney's pants."

"You can't do this!" Castle screamed.

"Yes we can!" said a familiar voice. "This is what you get for leaving me."

"Kyra!" It was Kyra, dressed in red patent leather. Well, almost dressed. "You left me! Not the other way around."

"I went to London, Rick, not to a galaxy far, far away. Did you know that planes can fly across the Atlantic? They've been doing it since Charles Freakin' Lindbergh in 1927!" Kyra screamed.

"Actually, the first flight across the Atlantic as by Alcock and Brown in 1919." Castle said. "They flew from Newfoundland to Ireland and…"

"Do you know how infuriating that is?" Kyra said in a low, dangerous voice. "I researched for a book once and I'll bore you to death with how knowledgeable I am." Kyra said, imitating Rick. "I said I needed some space, not twenty freaking years!"

"I'm sorry." Rick said, as Kyra used a small whip on his hand.

"You certainly are." Said another woman.

"Gina?" Rick almost didn't recognize her in the leather construction worker outfit she wore. "What is this, Village People?"

"No! It's payback time. I gave up a whole fucking summer to try to force you to write a book about that slutty cop and all you did was moon over her the whole freaking time. I had to put up with that and you made millions out of the deal! Do you know what I'm going to do to get back at you?"

Rick looked around for deadly weapons, but Gina had none. "Apples! Apples! For the love of God, apples!"

"Where is your god now?" Gina shrieked. "I'm going to read you Nikki Heat fanfiction written by nearly illiterate fanboys!"

"Anything but that!" Castle screamed.

Gina laughed maniacally, then read. "Niki Heet walked to the crime seen. She was totally babelicious! She had really big boobs, but she was banging some doofus riter. I woulda done her better."

Castle passed out before Gina had finished the first page.

He came to with the mutterings of a deranged editor in the background.

"Ready for some more, Castle?" Another voice said.

"Ellie? Ellie Monroe? Why are you mad at me? I recommended you for the part of Nikki."

"And after all I had to go through, I didn't get the damned part!"

"I thought you enjoyed….sex." Castle finished lamely.

"Sex? I do enjoy sex, except when the man needs to hear Van Halen's Hot for Teacher full blast to get it up. And do you know what a patent leather school girl's outfit is like to wear? You don't want to know where I had places rubbed raw. Now you can wear a patent leather jock strap, and it's two sizes too small!" Ellie laughed maniacally as the women forced it onto Rick's body.

"Actually, I think it makes me look kind of butch." Castle said looking down.

"Of course you think it makes you look butch!" Meredith screamed. "But you're the only one."

"I'll show you butch, Castle. Oh, will I show you butch."

"Jordan Shaw? What did I do to you?"

Jordan, dressed in a skin tight spandex laughed. Castle noticed she had the letters FBI on the chest of her outfit. However, in smaller letters was spelled out, "Fantastic Boobs Inside.". "What did you do, Writer Boy? I spent my life learning to profile people using just tiny bits and pieces of information. Then I ask you and Beckett how long you've been sleeping together and the answer is, you're not! My first failed profiling ever and they never let me forget it."

"I'm sorry. Really I'm sorry." Rick cried.

"Not as sorry as you will be. I've spent the last year with the CIA, learning things. When these women are done with you, I'm taking you to Yemen to visit my friends in the secret police. You won't be sleeping at all."

"And what about what you did to me?" Asked another, new voice.

"Natalie! You got the damned part. You played Nikki Heat."

Natalie Rhodes, looking more like Kate Beckett than Kate Beckett did, shrugged. "And I was in a straight to DVD stinker. Do you know what that did to my career? And all because you wouldn't let me do research. Oh, you can do all the fucking research you want, but help Natalie Rhodes out? No way. You were saving yourself for some cop who had no use for you. Well, I'll be doing some research on your ass."

Before Rick could do anything, Natalie had him across her lap and was spanking him, hard.

"Apples! Apples! Apples!" Castle yelled, but to no avail.

When Natalie was done, Castle stood by his desk, panting. "Who let you in here? Where did you get the leather clothing? Who's behind this?"

"Who indeed?" Said a familiar voice.

"Alexis? You?" Castle gasped. Could the flame haired temptress in the tiny red leather bikini really be his daughter?

"Mistress Alexis to you, so-called adult. I spent years trying to raise you, giving up my chance for multiple Nobel prizes in my junior year of high school just to take care of you. And you found the perfect step-mom, a woman who could have taken over for me so that I could learn the secrets of the Universe from the aliens on the Tibetan Plateau, but you couldn't close the damned deal with her. So I had to waste years of my life at freakin' Columbia University! And now Shangri-La is gone! Gone, I tell you!"

"Wait!" Castle said. Some things were suddenly becoming clear. "You would have needed help in this. It could only have been…."

"Right you are, kiddo." His mother said.

Castle was shocked! Martha was dressed in an even tinier bikini than Alexis, and somehow she had lost a good forty years. "Mother?"

"If I hadn't spent all of those years trying to make you act on your feelings for Beckett, do you know what I could have done? I coulda been a contender! Instead I got a one way ticket to Palookaville!" Martha frowned and pulled out her script. "That's not right." She muttered. "Oh, here it is." Martha cleared her throat. "I could have been the brightest star on the Great White Way! I could have revived Auntie Mame!"

"He must be punished! "Cried Mistress Alexis. "Where's my whip boy? Whip boy, bring the cat o'nine tails!"

Demming, wearing only a light coat of oil ran to Alexis' side, handing her a whip.

"You fool!" Alexis screamed. "This is a bullwhip! I said the cat o'nine tails!"

"But Mistress Alexis, I can't count as high as nine." Demming sobbed.

"We'll beat him to death with Demming!" Martha cried. "A fitting end to both of them."

"Did someone call an ambulance?" Said a clear, friendly voice.

"Beckett!" Castle cried. "Help me. Please, help me!"

Beckett, dressed in a leather Slutty Nurse costume, stepped past the other women. "Should I make you wait for years like you made me wait, Castle?"

"No, no, please." Castle then noticed something odd. "Kate your hair is blonde, and your boobs are…"

Kate ripped off the Slutty Nurse costume to show she only wore a G-string underneath. "My boobs are Double D cups now. That's what you like, isn't it? Blondes with big boobs?"

Castle shook his head. "The only hair or boobs I like are yours. I love you. All of you."

"In that case, "Alexis said brightly, " we need to celebrate with ice cream. Vanilla, dad?" Alexis held out a gigantic bowl of vanilla ice cream. "And you must eat it all, or we got to plan B." She looked significantly at Demming.

Castle woke up chewing on his pillow. He looked over and saw his wife sleeping soundly beside him. It was only a dream. He moved over and gently kissed Kate's bare shoulder, then her neck, then her cheek.

Kate woke instantly. "What are you doing?"

"Just remembering that I have the world's most perfect wife."

Kate frowned. "Do you want something?"

"Just you." Rick slid his hands around her and cupped her boobs, gently tweaking her rapidly stiffening nipples. She rolled over on her back and he began kissing her boobs, first one then the other, being sure to suck on her now erect nipples. "I love your boobs. They're perfect." He mumbled with a full mouth.

"Oh, Castle, they're hardly perfect. Nice, but not perfect."

"No, they are perfect. Absolutely perfect."

Kate laughed, reaching down and grabbing his erection. "Maybe we should see what other perfect things we can find."