321. Chapter 321

After Food to Die For

Episode 2.22

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Perhaps a little snack would help me forget that I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

The heart wants what the heart wants. Castle thought to himself. Or I could use the entire Emily Dickinson quote: "The Heart wants what it wants - or else it does not care." But I know that either way, that's not the end of it. What the heart wants is not the determining factor in life. How many people have I met as an author, or have I met through my mother or even Meredith who had dreams, who had their hearts set on something, and gave it up? There was that friend of Meredith's, the chick with coal black hair and those blue, blue eyes….What the hell was her name? Anyway, she wanted to be an actress and she was good, everyone said so, but she never got the breaks and one day she decided she wanted to sell real estate. She said her heart wasn't in real estate, but she was just so damned tired of rejection.

Castle stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Of course it works the other way. I can't count the number of unreadable manuscripts I've had shoved into my hands by some hack who thinks he's the second coming of Papa Hemingway, or Steven King, or god forbid, the next Richard Castle. All they need, or so they think, is a break. Someone in the business to read their book. And I have to tell them that their book stinks. They never believe me. But they follow their heart anyway.

Which brings us to Kate Beckett. Other people think she likes me. Madison Queller said she's hot for me. Wants to make little Castle babies. Jordan Shaw thought we were sleeping together. Other people have assumed we're together. But we're not. So, Mr. Castle, your assignment is this: Assuming that Kate Beckett cares for you, what, if anything does this mean? Be specific, Mr. Castle. Use examples. Castle laughed to himself. Just like old Dr. Mallory in prep school. Figure out your problem. Come up with a solution. Exhibit A. Tom Demming. If Beckett likes me, how does she feel about Demming? She must love him. I don't think I've ever made her laugh. She does kind of smirk at me sometimes, even a few full blown smiles. God, but she has a beautiful smile. I love to make her smile. I wish I could…Stop! Let's not get into that. I'm trying to figure out how Beckett feels about me and if she'll do anything about it. She laughed at what Demming said, and she's having coffee with him. I just can't see that I'm that important to her. Is there some great truth there? If you can't make a woman laugh, she's just not that into you? Castle's Law? Castle's Theory?

Castle turned over, trying to get comfortable. He turned again. I'm not uncomfortable because of the bed. Why toss and turn? Where was I? Ah, yes. Kate Beckett. Why am I overthinking this? She told me herself how she feels. She said Cecily should have stuck with David and left Wolf alone. How did she put it? Why stay with someone who comes in, upsets the applecart, makes you feel alive, and then leaves? Why bother? She was talking about me and Demming, of course. She was looking right at me when she said it.

Consider Kate Beckett. A cop to the core. Everything is about the evidence. The woman is a walking testament to the head winning out over the heart. In a way, I can understand that. She may be Kate Beckett, tough, kick ass cop, but she has such a fragile heart. I wish I could heal her heart. But that'll never happen. I'll never hold Kate's heart. Castle laughed. Hell, I'll never hold any part of Kate Beckett.

I really ought to follow my head for once, leave Beckett and find a new muse, or at least someone who I can make laugh. But, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Kate Beckett sat on her couch and stared at her empty glass of wine. The heart wants what the heart wants. That's easy enough for Castle to say. His heart wants something different about every ten minutes. He's been married and divorced twice. His heart wanted someone and then it didn't. Big deal. And the women since then? Endless appearances on Page Six. Sex with his ex-wife? With that actress? It isn't what Castle's heart wants that's so important to him, it's an organ a little bit lower.

I'm different. Castle didn't have his life turned upside down when he was just a teenager. He didn't have his heart broken again and again by a parent who climbed into a bottle and refused to come out for years. He didn't spend years with his family and friends saying, "Kate, you have to move on. Your mom would tell you that if she was here." Didn't they understand that what I was doing was because she wasn't here and never would be? "How can you give up your dream of being a lawyer to become a cop?" I tried to tell them that I didn't give up my dream, I had it brutally taken from me. Nobody listened. No one gave a damn what my heart wanted.

I've been alone for years. I learned that if I wanted something I had to do it myself. No one else was going to help me.

Kate shook her head slowly. That's wrong. Castle helped me. He had Dr. Murray look at Mom's autopsy records and he found something. Something I never found. And that led us to Dick Coonan, who I devoutly hope is burning in Hell. No, Castle is not as bad as I sometimes make him out to be. In a way, he's even been good for me. But I am so god damned sick of being alone. I need somebody to be with. Maybe it's not Tom. It probably isn't, but I want to try. If Tom isn't what I'm looking for, I can move on. But I know, Castle is not what I want.

The heart does want what the heart wants. My heart wants to be safe.