343. Chapter 343

After One Life to Lose

Episode 3.18

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: My evil twin, Skippy, claims to own Castle. I don't. Rating: K Time: See above.

Virginal, raven haired Alexandra Castle sat on the couch with her boyfriend Ashford, looking as calm and composed as any other teenaged girl who was about to join an illicit one way trip to Mars funded by rogue elements within NASA and the Department of Commerce, the real, grey anonymous powers running the world. However, inside she was a seething cauldron of emotions. How can I continue to be Ashford's girlfriend after what I've done? She asked herself. It all sounded so liberating when the animal rights activists told me about it. Release some lab animals so they wouldn't be used for tests. I didn't realize that these lab animals were used by my beloved Ashford for his secret project. I even dressed in an all black, skin tight Lycra suit that didn't suit my complexion at all. Worse, I'm now being blackmailed by a man I know only as Mouse Balls. And Mouse Balls isn't even really an animal rights activist. He has some secret agenda! Oh! What shall I do?

Virginal, raven haired Ashford looked as calm as any other teenaged boy whose younger brothers had converted to Buddhism and gone off to join the jihad in central Australia. But inside his emotions were seething like a seething cauldron of seethingness. I'm glad my lab animals were liberated. My brothers wanted me to cross elephants with kangaroos and cause great big holes all across the Lucky Country. But worse, how can I tell Alexandra that I have a new love? I saw her Lycra clad body only for a second, but I fell madly in love with the wild, rebellious woman who released my lab animals. She's nothing like sweet, innocent, conventional, conservative, boring Alexandra. And worse, now I'm being threatened by an evil man I know only by his nom de guerre of Mouse Balls. Oh! What shall I do?

The two teenagers were interrupted by Alexandra's grandmother, famed astrophysicist and motocross racer, Margaret Rodgers. "Hello, children. Alexandra, are your parents home yet?"

"No, Grams. Dad and Mom are defusing a nuclear bomb stolen from the Bohemian Navy and planted in Central Park disguised as a piece of modern art. You know what dad says."

Alexandra and Margaret quoted Richland Castle: "I don't know much about nuclear weapons, but I know what I like."

Margaret sighed. Outwardly she appeared calm and….Oh, you know what's next. Something about seething. How can I ever tell Richland that I'm not his real mother? It was all supposed to be just a lark, but then I got involved with that officer in the Special Forces of the Pope's Swiss Guards. I can still recall his cold, stern face, telling me that once I was privy to the Michaelangelo Code, my life would never be the same. Who would have guessed that the frescoes on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel were actually a gigantic puzzle leading to the secret of the Holy Fork! Yes, the very fork that Our Lord used at the Last Supper and stabbed Judas with it, exclaiming, "Holy Fork!" And then Javier gave me that tiny bundle and told me I must raise him as my own and never let him know his real identity. Fat chance. Javier was too drunk to tell me who little Richland really was. At least I finally found out how Javier's code name became Mouse Balls.

The trio were interrupted by their dog, Demming. Demming appeared outwardly to be calm and, in fact, was inwardly calm. He's just a dog after all, people. However, Demming would glory in the name Mouse Balls as he had the operation and …shall we say, came up somewhat short? Demming, when dreaming, did vaguely recall a former life in which he had licked the extremities of a beautiful chestnut haired, hazel eyed human, but alas, that was all in the past. In a former life he had been a pet Kim Jong Il, who was neither chestnut haired not hazel eyed, and certainly not beautiful, but Demming being a dog was color blind and not choosy.

"Honey, I'm home." Richland Castle and his lovely wife Kathleen had arrived home, announcing their arrival in unison.

"How was your day, dear Richland and dear Kathleen?" Margaret asked.

"Bummer." Richland said.

"What we thought was a nuclear weapon disguised as a piece of modern art was actually a piece of modern art." Kathleen said.

"But," Richland said not at all seethingly, "I fear this has all the hallmarks of a deception operation by my nemesis…"

"Professor Moriarty?" Asked Kathleen.

"Dr. Fu Manchu?" Asked Margaret.

"Dr. Evil?" Guessed Alexandra.

"Inspector Clouseau?" Said Ashford.

"No." Richland said portentously. "It can only be the one known as Mouse Balls."

A shudder went through Kathleen's slender but erotic frame. Mouse Balls? No, it cannot be! He cannot have returned after all these years to haunt me once more. I was so young and so foolish! I can remember what he said so well. "Go ahead. Everyone does it. No one cares. It'll be fun. People will think you're cool." And so I picked up a can of spray paint and tagged the school bus. 4Q SKOOL I wrote. Little did I know how those words would haunt me. Everyone laughs at the grammar police, but they're real. And if they catch me…I'm doomed. My beloved husband will disown me. My precious daughter Alexandra will be forever shamed. My dear mother in law will have her career ruined. And my dog Demming…Oh, who the hell cares about the damned dog. All he does is smell Richland's butt.

As they sat there absorbing this terrifying news, there was a knock at the door. When opened, there stood Constable Ryan, the local beat cop. "Excuse me, folks. But I found this odiferous homeless man hanging around acting suspicious like. But he says he knows you."

The man raised his head and stared at the assembled family. He then twirled the mustache he had grown especially so that he could twirl it at the appropriate times. The appropriate time, of course, as when villainy was afoot.

"Yes. We do know him." They all said at once.

Constable Ryan tipped his hat and left.

Mouse Balls smiled. "Do you know why mice have such small balls?" He asked sadistically.

They all shook their heads.

"Practically none can dance." He laughed maniacally.

Suddenly, Richland Castle grabbed Mouse Balls by the nose and tore off the mask he was wearing.

The Castle family gasped and cried in unison. "Josh!"

"And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling Castles."

Suddenly the room was plunged into darkness as the lights went out. There was a shot and thud. When the lights came back on, Josh was hanging by his neck from the chandelier with a bullet in his head, a dagger in his heart, an empty bottle of poison jammed in his mouth and an arrow transfixing his neck.

They looked at one another, each trying to look as innocent as possible. Suddenly they turned as one and said, "Demming. Bad dog!"

Author's note: This is the third of these that I've written as an over the top soap opera. One day I'll have to try to write a serious After…story for One Life to Live. But not this time.