358. Chapter 358

After Reckoning

Episode 7.15

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I lured you here to tell you I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above

In the week since the deaths of Jerry Tyson and Kelly Neiman, Rick and Kate had settled back into their usual routine. Mostly.

"Castle? Are you asleep?"

"No. Are you having trouble sleeping, too?"

She nodded. "It's odd. I slept like a log the last two nights. Tonight…tonight, I just can't get to sleep."

"Do you think ice cream would help?"

"It couldn't hurt."

The two got out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Castle got out several containers of ice cream and two spoons.

"You're not using a bowl?" Kate asked.

"Blasphemy! Scooping it from the container allows you to mix the flavors. You get chocolate chip cookies and cream strawberry mocha. You won't find that at your local supermarket."

Kate nodded. "I bow to the master." She did bow to him.

He bowed in return. "You have learned well, Grasshopper. The force is strong in you."

"Mixing genres, are we?" She teased.

"Mixing genres, mixing ice cream flavors, it is all one with the universe."

They continued eating with Castle getting more flavors from the refrigerator and suggesting new flavor combinations.

"Castle, do you remember what I was saying before the whole Tyson-Neiman thing?'

"About having children?"

She nodded slowly. "That and more. I really have been thinking a lot." She looked off, trying to order her thoughts. "When my mom died, my life changed. You know that."

"I know. It changed you completely."

"It was like I was running a race, and I had to run as fast as I could and all I could look at was what was right in front of me. If I wanted to get justice for my mother, or for others, I couldn't stop, I couldn't change direction, I couldn't look around. All I could do was keep running as fast as I could. All I could do was to be a cop."

"I think I see what's coming." Castle said seriously.

Kate smiled. "All of a sudden I had this gigantic distraction on my hands."

"I'm just a distraction?" He smiled, too.

"You were then. But I still kept running as fast as I could, but every now and again I'd take a little detour from being nothing but a cop. Even though I still ran as fast as I could, I made more detours. And then one day the race was over. Bracken was in prison. I was married. But I still kept running because that was all I could do. I didn't know how to do anything else. But gradually, I've been slowing down. I've started to look around and see all of the things I missed while I was concentrating so hard on the race. There's a lot that I've missed."

"I have every intention of showing you all of what you missed." He said. "For instance, lemon merengue and peppermint and lime ice cream." He fed her a spoonful.

"I want to have children with you, Castle. I want to be the kind of a mom that my mom was. I want you to be the kind of dad that you were for Alexis. I'm a hundred percent sure that I'm not ready to be a mom and a hundred percent sure that no one is ever a hundred percent ready to be a mom."

"In other words, you're as ready as you'll ever be?"

She nodded. "I want to go to the gynecologist. I want to get checked out. And then I want to try to get pregnant. Okay?"

He hugged her and kissed her forehead. "Absolutely. I'll be ready for Social Security by the time the oldest of our children is in college so we really can't wait too long."

Kate giggled. "That sounds so odd to me. A child of ours in college."

Castle shrugged. "Maybe he'll be a fruitarian leach who'll be living off of his girlfriend's parents."

Kate stuck out her tongue. "Don't even think like that."

"It's the writer in me."

Kate tried another selection of flavors. "There's more. I've been thinking about my job. I don't know if I want to continue as a cop."

"Kate, it's been your whole life. What would you do?"

She shrugged. "Well, I don't know that I don't not want to be a cop anymore. I don't want to go off to work and leave the children with you, and I'm not sure I want to be a stay at home mom. Or, I think that maybe I could change jobs and still be a cop. A desk job at One PP or something. Or maybe I could go back to what I wanted to begin with. I could be a lawyer, but that means some undergraduate work, then three years of law school, and who'd hire an ex-cop who's a lawyer? Defense attorneys? I couldn't do that. Not after all the time I spent as a cop. And if I become a prosecutor, would I end up being another workaholic prosecutor?"

"So, you're examining your options?" Castle asked, unsure of what Beckett really wanted.

"No, Castle. I'm totally confused. I have no idea what I want to do. Aside from being your wife, that is. This morning I was convinced that what I'd do was stay a cop for a few more years and then retire after twenty years. Then take a couple of years off to think about things. But right now, I don't think I want to do that."

"Kate, whatever you decide, I'm behind you…Always."

Kate sighed. "That's another thing. You're a multimillionaire. One minute I'm thinking that I can't possibly ask you to use your money and your connections to help me, and the next I realize that I couldn't possibly stop you without a huge argument that I would just hate." Kate leaned her head against his chest. "You may have to put up with a very indecisive wife, Rick."

"I'll survive."

"There's more." Kate said quietly. "One of the things I did after I stopped my race was to look behind me and see where I'd been, what I'd done and what I hadn't done. I decided that I was horrible to you. I'm so sorry, Castle."

"You weren't horrible. I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if you'd been truly horrible. Besides, I blame all of that on Bracken, not you."

"I still feel awful. I remember all of the terrible things I said to you and about you and I feel sick. I truly regret every one of those things I said. I want to just apologize to you for each and every thing I said."

"I deserved some of them, you know."

She shook her head. "Since we first met, you've done nothing but try to help me, protect me and make me happy. I spent years pushing you away because I couldn't believe you could love me as much as I loved you. Even now that we're married, I have this feeling in the back of my mind that all I have to do is make one more stupid, cruel, hateful remark to you and it'll be all over."

"Never. That'll never happen."

"Castle, I lied to you about the most important thing you ever told me."

"I lied to you as well." He replied.

"You lied to protect me. I lied to protect me, too. That makes me feel terrible."

"Kate, you do remember we're married and that I love you, right?"

She smiled. "And that makes me feel wonderful." Just then both Kate and Rick yawned.

"I think we should try to get some sleep." He said, taking the ice cream and returning it to the freezer.

"We could practice for having a child?" She suggested, winking at him.

"I thought you'd never ask."