361. Chapter 361

After Kill Shot

Episode 4.09

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. Not by a long shot. Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate Beckett ran through the door marked "Employees only" to get away from everything. Once in the hallway, she stripped off her jacket, and tossed her gun and then her badge down. She stood there crying and leaning against the wall. She heard the door open and footsteps coming towards her. Without looking, she knew who it was. Damn it. No! Not Castle. Please, anyone but Castle. I can't let him see me like this. Castle, please just go away. Leave before it's too late.

Her silent prayer went unanswered. "Beckett. What's wrong?"

She turned away from him so that he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. "Castle, I just need a minute, okay? I'll be fine."

She felt him put his hand on her shoulder. "When we were trying to get Coonan, I told you that I would do anything for you, including doing nothing. That offer still stands, except I can't just stand by and do nothing. Please, Kate, for once in your life, let someone in."

For once in my life? I let someone in before. As far in as you can be. And what happened? My mom was murdered and my whole life was turned upside down. It hasn't been the same since and I don't know if it ever will the same, or anything like the same. "Castle, I can handle this."

He bent down. "By throwing away your badge and sidearm?" He picked up her weapon and badge, holding it and not giving it back to her. "I've seen how you've been reacting to this. I've seen the exaggerated startle response, the hypervigilance, and I know you're not all right. And I know that for some reason I have never been able to understand, you will not ask for help. Ever."

I don't know how to ask for help anymore. I wish I could. I wish I could scream for Castle to help me. I wish I could throw my arms around him and be held and be safe and tell him everything that I so badly need to tell him. But I can't. I can't and I don't even understand why I can't. Am I really this broken? I must be. "Castle, don't worry, I'm…" Kate couldn't complete the lie. The words died in her throat.

"Okay, I'll just stand here with you and be close to you and let you know that I'm right here. Okay?"

Kate couldn't even nod, but allowed Castle to stand there with her. It took a few minutes, but she began to feel better. And she knew that if she stayed there much longer, too many people would notice. The last thing she needed was for word of this to get back to Gates.

She turned, keeping her head down so Castle wouldn't see her tear stained eyes, took her badge and pistol back, then knelt and grabbed her jacket. She left without a further word.

After she had taken the rifle from Esposito, he stepped away from her as if to leave. Then he stopped. "There's one more thing you might think of using."

She raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"Castle."

She shook her head. "I ought to think about using Castle? Have you not been paying attention for the last three years? Castle is my partner. He's not just a partner, he's the best partner I've ever had. I can't begin to even count the number of times that he's been responsible for breaking open a case. I should use Castle, Espo? I'm not even sure I could do this any more without him. I do know I have no desire to try."

"That's Castle as your partner. I'm talking about using Castle as your friend."

"He is my friend." Kate was confused and a bit angry at what Espo was so unsuccessfully trying to say.

"Castle is a lot more than a friend. I'm sure even you know that. When you got shot, he moved towards you to get you out of the way. I know you don't remember any of this, and I'm guessing that Castle hasn't made a big deal out of it. But he was willing to risk taking a bullet for you, Beckett. He could have taken that bullet. He could be dead."

"If this is supposed to be making me feel better, Esposito, it isn't working at all. What are you suggesting? That I'd be so much better off if Castle had died that day?"

He shook his head. "When I came back from Iraq, one of the things that helped, as much as the therapy from professionals, was to be able to talk to guys who had been where I had been, seen what I had seen, done what I had done. They understood what was happening to me. And just as I understand a lot of what you've gone through, Castle understands it too. I saw people get shot who were as close as brothers to me. Castle saw someone who's closer to him than a partner or friend get shot. I'm not suggesting you need to fall apart in front of him. I know that's not your style. Just let him be there for you, just like I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Espo."

Once Beckett had come back from her scout with the sniper rifle that had been used on her, Espo took Castle aside. "Bro, I had a little talk with Beckett. I think it did some good. At least she seems better now."

Castle breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks. I owe you."

"No you don't. She's my partner too. There's one thing. I suggested that it helped me to have people close to me to lean on when I got back from Iraq. I suggested that the person closest to her was you."

"Thanks, but I'm not sure that…"

"Castle!" Espo interrupted. "Just because she can't, or won't, see how you feel about her, doesn't mean everyone else doesn't see it. And just because she hides how she feels about you, that doesn't mean that people who know her can't see how she feels about you."

Castle nodded. "Thanks."

Kate Beckett left Dr. Burke's office feeling better than she had in a long time. I can be more than I am. Maybe I can be the person I was when I was nineteen and had this whole wonderful life ahead of me. And if I can't be the person I was then, I can be more than I am now. I can be the woman that Castle needs and deserves.

I can do this!

Author's note: This episode has always given me trouble because the writers gave Espo, the former Special Forces sniper, such idiotic lines to say. Two to three hundred yards, describing the first shot, is what the average rifleman should be able to hit a target at. You would not need to be a Special Forces sniper to do that. Why back in the day, UCSBdad could hit a man sized target at three hundred yards with iron sights. Okay, maybe not always. As far as 600 yards being a world class shot, the current record for the longest sniper shot kill belongs to Corporal of Horse Craig Harrison of the British Army who made a kill at 2707 yards in Afghanistan in 2009. He used a .338 Lapua Magnum bullet, not a .308/7.62 mm. The .338 is the bullet that was used to kill Raglan, by the way. The longest kill by a .308/7.62mm was in Iraq in 2005, 1367 yards. You can check Wikipedia.

Okay, people. As you were. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.