367. Chapter 367

After The Wrong Stuff

Episode 7.16

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Castle, I'm not your father! Nor do I own you. Rating: K Time: See above.

"These are the voyages of the starship Caskett, whose continuing mission is to boldly go where…"

"Excuse me, Honey, but you split an infinitive."

"Does it show?"

"Um, no. I mean the infinitive is "to go" and you put the word "boldly" in the middle of it. You should say, "To go boldly, perhaps "boldly to go"."

"Number One! I'm trying to set the mood here." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "And don't grope my ass when we're on the bridge."

"Sorry, but you have the most perfect ass in the entire Universe." He whispered back.

"Well, keep your hands off of it. You do want to play your favorite game later tonight, don't you?" She whispered in his ear, seductively.

"You mean where I'm the spaceship captain and you're the sexy Companion?"

"And we'll play it as long as you keep your hands to yourself right now."

"Keeping hands to self."

"Now, where was I?"

"Something about going somewhere?"

"Right." She cleared her throat. "To go boldly….and do stuff." She glared at him. A glare that had sent Reavers screaming away in horror. Predators had been known to become pacifists after being on the receiving end of that glare. Dark Lords of Sith had been reduced to hysterical sobbing at just a minor glare."You made me lose my train of thought."

"Sorry, Honey."

"Excuse me, Captain Kate?"

The captain turned around. "Yes, Science Officer Datum?"

Datum Ran her fingers through her long, red hair, briefly exposing her pointed ears. "I just wanted to remind you that I'll be in the holodeck tonight. We're doing the Lord of the Wings."

"Pardon?" Said Number One. "Lord of the Wings?"

Datum nodded. "It's a play about a young fruitarian who changes the Universe by inventing wings made out of papaya steaks, rather than those buffalos."

"Papaya steaks!" Shrieked Number One." You're seeing P?"

"No, Daddy. P disappeared into a wormhole while testing a new spacecraft. Remember? And that thing grew out of his chest."

"P always did go for the freaky ones. But he did look good in leather pants." Captain Kate said, getting a rather mild glare from Number One.

Suddenly, Datum put her hand to her head. "Captain! We're picking up something on the long range sensors."

"On screen." Barked Captain Kate, suddenly all business. An odd looking pink ship appeared on the screen. "I don't recognize it."

Number One suddenly paled. "I do."

"Incoming communication" Cried Datum.

"Hello, Kitten." Said the redheaded woman on the screen. "I've found this beautiful spaceship, but I'll need you to cosign for me. It's only twelve trillion bars of gold pressed latinum. You do want me to have someplace nice for Datum when she comes for visits, don't you? You know that resistance is futile."

"I don't think so." Captain Kate said, glaring at the redhead, Zero of Infinity.

Zero of Infinity's smile faded. "Kitten! You're still with that skinny little thing?"

While Captain Kate and Zero of Infinity argued, Number One moved over beside their weapons officer.

"Mr. Brorf." Said Number One. "Can you hit that ship from here? With photon torpedoes, phasers, detonation lasers, anti-matter bombs, even…cherry bombs?"

Brorf nodded. "From here? It's practically point blank range, and it's standing still. Give me a couple of parsecs and I'll have a firing solution."

"Dammit, Brorf!" Muttered Number One. "A parsec is a unit of distance equal to 3.26 light years, not a unit of time. Have you been hanging around that smuggler and his furry pal again? He shoots first you know."

"Sorry." Suddenly, a smile came over the rugged visage of the alien weapons officer. "But I think I can use something even better."

"Daddy!" Snapped Datum. "Don't you dare blow Mother up, even if Captain Kate is a far better mom."

"Don't worry, Parsnip." Number One said. "I know exactly what Brorf is planning."

Brorf and Number One went to a heavily secured area of the starship while Captain Kate and Zero of Infinity argued.

"This is the most secure storage in all of Star Fleet. To open that door you need a password that has upper case and lower case letters, numbers, symbols, a haiku, a gang sign and the blood of a virgin. Luckily I have all of those."

Number One looked at Brorf. "Blood of a virgin. Sorry to hear that. What about our Doctor, Boobs? I hear she's ready to…"

"I'm ready to do what?" Said an attractive human woman.

"Boobs!" Number One said. "Can you help us here?"

"Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a locksmith!"

"Who's Jim? And we need you after we get the door open."

"It's open." Brorf said. Behind the heavily armored door made of solid unobtanium, was a human like male.

"What is that?" Number One asked.

"It's life, Jim. But not as we know it."

"Who the hell is Jim?"

"It's the most deadly weapon in the Universe." Brorf said in a whisper. "It's….a Demming."

"You're going to use that on intelligent life?" Said Boobs with a scowl.

"No, we're using it on my ex-wife."

"That's okay then." Boobs said with a smile.

In a microsecond, Brorf had transported Demming to Zero of Infinity's ship. Instantly, Demming sucked all of the intelligence from her brain. Even the ship's computer, an AI with enormous power, was now unable to win a game of tic tac toe.

The three walked back to the bridge. Arriving there, Number One found that he had somehow lost Boobs and Brorf.

"Did you deploy the Demming against Zero of Infinity?" Asked Captain Kate, her eyes narrowing.

"Of course not." Number One lied.

Captain Kate smiled sweetly. "Of course you didn't, Lover. Shall we be on our way going boldly or boldly going or whatever?"

"Captain!" Cried Datum. "Incoming message from Star Fleet Command. "

"On screen!" Cried the Captain.

There in all of her martial majesty stood Supreme Grand Admiral of the Fleets Grand Moff Victoria Yates. "Captain Kate! We have an urgent mission for you."

"Yes ma'am." Said Captain Kate, snapping to attention.

"Dammit! Call me SIR!" Screamed the admiral.

"Yessir" Screamed the entire ship's crew at once.

"That's so cute the way you do that." The admiral said. "Anyway, we have intel that the Galaxy's greatest villain, the Dark Lord Of Sith and Baron Harkonnen, Josh the Merciless, is near your position. I'm sending you all the intel. You must catch him and destroy him."

"Yessir!" The crew screamed.

The Admiral's image slowly disappeared.

"Engineering!" Cried Captain Kate. "Are you there, Paddy?"

An Irish voice replied, "She's givin' us all she's got, Captain, but I must have more dilithium crystals."

Captain Kate looked puzzled. "But, Paddy. We're not moving at all. Why do you need more dilithium crystals?"

"We're playing a wicked game of Halo down here." Paddy replied.

"Strip Halo." Added a female voice.

"Mother?" Gasped Number One. "What are you…No! I don't want to know."

"Captain." Datum interrupted. "According to the intel from Star Fleet, Josh the Merciless is on that ship over there."

"Can we reestablish a comm link?"

In no time at all, Datum had restored communications. The screen revealed Zero of infinity and Josh the Merciless staring mindlessly at each other.

"According to my calculations, Captain, the Demming has reduced their minds to the level of a vending machine repairman. Permanently." Datum said.

"Retrieve the Demming then." Captain Kate said. "We should put some kind of warning on the ship over there. What's its name?"

Number One peered at the view screen. "It says Redd Warf."

"Make it so." Captain Kate said. "It looks like we're both off shift, Number One." She smiled at him as she headed for the turbolift. "Coming, Castle?"