389. Chapter 389

After Hong Kong Hustle

Episode 7.17

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Everybody was kung fu fighting, but I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: Se above.

Kate smiled when her husband put a lunch tray down on the desk in his office that she was temporarily using. "Why thank you, Castle. You didn't have to make me lunch."

"I didn't have to, but I did. The sandwich is the Westphalian ham you like and the gruyere cheese, with that spicy mustard. I got the lettuce and the tomatoes fresh from the farmer's market. There's some of the spicy coleslaw and a bottle of your favorite beer."

Kate lifted an eyebrow. "And what do you want in return for this largesse, Mr. Castle?"

"Me? Want something?" He said with as much innocence as he could muster.

"Yes." She said, laughing. "Now tell me."

"I just want to make sure that on your list of priorities, I'm at least in the top ten."

Kate did her best to smother a smile. "The top ten?" Her brow furrowed in thought. "For wise ass, tag along writer, especially one who writes slower than James Patterson, you want a lot."

When she saw his face fall, she couldn't go any further. She held out her laptop, "Here. Take a look at my priorities."

Castle took the laptop and read the priority listed. "Rick Castle? That's it? That's your priority?"

"Sort of." She replied mysteriously.

"Could you enlighten me further, detective?"

Kate leaned back and thought. "Do you remember when we first met?"

"Of course. How could I forget?"

"Do you remember what I was like then?"

"You were adorable." Castle said, diplomatically, but also truthfully.

"I was miserable. I had become a cop to find my mom's killer. I read her file until I could recite it backwards. I went to the crime scene, I talked to people. I drove poor Mike Royce half-crazy with questions and took up way too much of his free time as well. And, I had to give it up. It took a year of therapy, but I put it behind me. And do you know how I felt?"

"Bad?" Castle guessed.

"I felt like a complete failure. Oh, sure, I was Kate Beckett, super cop. Kate Beckett who could solve any murder except the one that meant something to her. I was obsessed with Mom's murder and I let that obsession drive me. And when I failed to solve it, I let that drive me even harder. I was miserable and I felt that I deserved to be miserable. I was Kate Beckett, failed homicide detective. Every case I solved reminded me of the one I couldn't solve."

"Kate, you know that's not right." Rick said gently.

She shrugged. "Right or wrong, it's the way I felt. That's why I was so mad at you for finding evidence of those other murders. It was like you were rubbing my nose in my failure. And because of you, we got Coonan. And at least I was adult enough to thank you for your help and ask you to stay."

"Hey, I'm the immature one around here, remember?" Castle said, with mock severity.

"When I asked Montgomery to kick you to the curb, just before he was shot, he told me that the only reason he kept you around was because you were good for me." Kate thought back to that conversation. "He said that before you came along I wasn't having any fun. Having no fun was okay with me. I didn't really feel like I deserved any fun."

"Kate, one thing I know is…."

"But that's how I felt. Just let me tell this, okay?"

Castle nodded.

"Remember the day at the swings, after the book signing? I told you that I couldn't be the person I wanted to be or have the kind of relationships I wanted to have, to break down my walls until I had found Mom's killer?"

"I remember."

"I was wrong. I had everything bass ackwards. I couldn't find my mom's killer without you. I needed you more than I needed anyone or anything else, but I refused to see it. And so I hurt you. I hurt you for years. And I am so sorry for that, Castle."

"Kate, I love you." He said softly.

"I know. And I love you. And one day, it was all over. Bracken was in prison, and I was married to this wonderful man. It was like a fairy tale. The sleeping princess was kissed by Prince Charming and she woke up."

"I like the analogy." Castle said.

"I knew you would." She grinned. "I was married to you and I had Martha, who will never replace my mom, but who is more than just my mother-in-law. And I have Alexis, who is more than my stepdaughter. When I look at Alexis, I see myself when I was nineteen. In college, getting ready for a wonderful, happy life. And I wonder what my life would have been like if mom had lived and I had become a lawyer and…And I know it's silly to speculate."

Kate took a bite of her sandwich and smiled at Castle, "This is very good, I should change my number one priority to Richard Castle, sandwich maker supreme."

Castle bowed. "At your service, Your Majesty,"

"And the princess began to see things. She had been asleep for fourteen years. Things had changed, but she hadn't. I never cared before about becoming a lieutenant or a captain. If I wasn't a detective, I couldn't honor my mom's memory by catching killers. Why bother?"

"I never really expected to get married, or have children, or worry about what to do after I was through being a cop, or if there was something out there I could do in addition to being a cop. How about hobbies? I haven't ridden my Harley for more than a few miles in years. I used to be a big sci fi geek, I went to conventions and dressed up, but I haven't done that in over a decade. And I never wrote that murder mystery series I've always wanted to write."

"Wait!" Castle said. "You want to write a what?"

"Gotcha." Kate smiled.

"Very funny."

"Castle, I'm now closer to forty than I am to thirty. I don't have the time to be a full time mom and a full time cop and try going back to college to study, I don't know what. I can't ride my Harley across the US and do Nebula Nine cosplay, and help Alexis with her life and….And do all the things I would have done if my mom had lived. No time. I just don't have the time."

"And so your priority is me?" Castle asked, a bit confused.

"Like the princess in the fairy tale, I'm afraid that I'll be asked to spin straw into gold or something and one day all of this I have will all disappear."

"Kate, I'm never going to leave you. Never. You have nothing to worry about."

"I know you won't leave any more than I would leave you. But I have plenty to worry about. I have so many things whirling around in my head that I want to do and I know I don't have time for all of them. All I have for sure is you. My number one priority. All of my priorities, all of my future, revolves around you."

"You'll always have me, Kate."

"I've tried to put together a list of priorities, but making a list is no good. I think about going back to college for more pre-law courses so I can be a lawyer after I retire. But I realize I can't do that and be a full time homicide detective. So, I think, maybe I could ask for a desk job at One PP. But I'd hate that and I do love what I do. And how could I work eight hours a day and go to school at nights and be a mom, because I want to have children with you so badly. But if we have children I couldn't stand never being around like Meredith and leaving you to raise our children. And if I'm a stay at home mom…See? I just don't know what to do." Kate was almost in tears. "Help me, Castle."

Rick thought for a second. "I don't have an answer to your problem, but I might have a Castlesque start to the answer to your problem."

"Tell me?"

"Start small. You said you haven't ridden your Harley more than a few miles in years. Let's take a short trip. A day or two."

"Wait? You ride?"

Castle's face reddened. "I've fallen off a dirt bike a few times."

"Okay, you can ride behind me."

"What? Are you kidding?"

"You don't want to ride with your arms tightly around my waist, Castle? Maybe a little higher?" Kate said in her sexiest voice.

"I'll think about it. But not just the Harley. There are science fiction cons all over the East Coast. We could go to one. We wouldn't have to dress up, just go."

"Not dress up in my Lieutenant Chloe costume? Are you saying I don't have to legs for it any more?"

"I stand corrected. We'll go in costume. In fact there a con for that Joss Whedon show in Manhattan in a couple of months."

"That one?" Kate said, frowning. "And you don't like Nebula 9?"

"Or something else." He conceded.

"I could go to some local college and take a class at night, just to see what it's like. Get my feet wet, so to speak."

"You're going to college?" Alexis asked, sticking her head in the door.

"Alexis, just in time. Your stepmother and I need some advice."