460. Chapter 460

After Den of Thieves

Episode 2.21

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd love to steal Castle, but I don't own it. Rating: K Time: See above.

Detective Wile E. Demming looked hungrily at the lovely Detective Kate Beckett. The only thing standing between him and his prize was the speedy R. R. Castle. But Wile E. Demming had a plan. He had rigged an Acme anvil over the door to the break room. As soon as R. R. Castle walked under the anvil, Wile E. would drop it on him. Problem solved, and Kate Beckett would be his!

Castle walked to the break room to get Beckett a cup of coffee and Wile E. yanked on the rope. Nothing happened. Castle was now safely inside the break room. Wile E. waited until he was headed out and pulled on the rope with a slow but strong tug. Nothing happened. Castle went on to hand Beckett her coffee.

Wile E. Demming yanked as hard as he could on the rope. Nothing. He give it a brief, slow pull. Nothing. Finally he walked over to the anvil and looked up at it. The anvil fell on his head. Wile E. scowled and fell over.

Later, Wile E. found out that Beckett and R. R. Castle had gone to confront Victor Racine without him. Luckily, using an Acme rocket, he could cross town in seconds and arrive at Racine's before anyone else. He pointed the rocket in the direction of Racine's headquarters and lit the fuse. The fuse burned down, but nothing happened. Wile E. dismounted the rocket and held it upright to examine it. The rocket shot off with Wile E. clinging on to it for dear life. Thousands of feet over Manhattan, the rocket exploded in a burst of beautiful colors. The people below cheered at the gorgeous display. Wile E. smiled down at them and waved to a passing seagull. Then he began to fall. Unluckily for him, he landed on a fire hydrant. As he tried to pry himself off of the fire hydrant where it had stuck in his, um, shall we say his nether regions, a large dog approached him. The dog peed all over Wile E.

Wile E. Demming arrived at Victor Racine's office. He noticed that no one wanted to stand near him. He sighed. Victor Racine was speaking. "Thuffering thucotash! You justh came here to count coup, didn't you?"

"Pardon?" Wile E. asked.

"The plains Indians considered it an extreme act of bravery to touch an enemy in battle with a coup stick." Said R. R. Castle, pulling out an Acme coup stick. He tapped Wile E. on the head. Alas, Acme made their coup sticks from depleted uranium, a very heavy element. Wile E. was stunned and fell forward onto Racine's putting green just as Racine swung his Acme golf club. "Oops!" Racine said insincerely. Wile E. felt around until he found his eyeballs and put them back in.

Later, Wile E. was thrilled to find that the beautiful Kate Beckett wanted to spar with him. He showered, shaved and used men's cologne so that he'd exude the great smell of Brut. He imagined grappling with the hot and sexy detective and knew he'd manage to cop a feel or two before the night was over.

However, when he arrived at the precinct gym, Beckett wasn't there. Instead, a small pudgy man wearing a red coat and carrying a shotgun greeted him.

"Shh! Be vewy thilent, I'm hunting a wascally wabbit."

Wile E. was very quiet. The pudgy man walked very slowly and very carefully around the gym, looking everywhere for a wascally wabbit. But he found none.

Wile E. breathed a sigh of relief until a large grey rabbit ran up to him, shoved a carrot in his mouth, stuck a pair of floppy ears on his head and put a cute little bunny tail on Wile E.'s ass. "Look! Look!" The rabbit yelled. "It's him! It's the wascally wabbit!" Before speeding off, the rabbit put a sign on Wile E. chest: Wabbit Hunting Season Opens Today.

"I've got you now!" The pudgy man cried, firing his shotgun into Wile E.'s ass. Wile E. took off running with the pudgy man right behind, firing madly.

Wile E. found himself hiding under a desk with a black duck. "Listhen, thport. Get your own hiding place, this spathe is reserved for little black duckth only." He pointed to a sign that said exactly that.

Wile E. laughed. "And what are you going to do? Toss me out?" Wile E. never say the big cat and the little mouse sneak up from behind him and hit him with a sledge hammer.

When Wile E. woke up, he found himself staring at his superior, Lieutenant Goofy Holiwell. His boss guffawed. "Racine wants his ledger back and you're going to get it for him. Ike Thornton and Esposito are going to break into Racine's office tonight and steal it from his safe. Kill them both. We'll say that Esposito caught Thornton stealing it to blackmail Racine and they killed each other. Can you do that?"

Wile E. lost control of his bladder and sphincter, but gamely nodded his head affirmatively. He knew better than to cross Goofy Holiwell. He was almost as bad as that psychopathic duck in the sailor suit that Racine used for really tough jobs. He gave Wile E. nightmares.

Later that night, Wile E. crept into Racine's office, there, as planned were Thornton and Esposito, cutting open Racine's safe with the help of pair of chipmunks who were chewing on the safe.

Wile E. stepped into the room. "Don't move. I have a six shooter." He waved an Acme six shooter at the two.

"Oh?" Esposito said. "Well, I have an Acme seven shooter." He pulled his gun.

"I have an eight shooter!" Wile E. cried, pulling another gun out.

"I have a nine shooter!" Thornton screamed.

"A ten shooter!"

"An eleven shooter."

"A twelve shooter!"

"A thirteen shooter."

When Wile E. pulled out his twenty four shooter, he decided to shoot. When he did a small flag that said "BANG!" popped out of the barrel. Wile E. ran.

Alas, Her Hotness, otherwise known as Detective Kate Beckett, was waiting for Wile E. with her friends, Ryan, Castle, Fred, Daphne, Shaggy, Velma and Scooby.

"I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids." Wile E. said. What else could be say?

"Richard, what are you doing? It's late." Martha said.

Castle closed his laptop. "Nothing really, Mother."

Author's note: For the Demming haters out there, and you know who you are, is this enough?