470. Chapter 470

After Under the Gun

Episode 3.03

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: We're not in Kansas anymore, and I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Detective Kate Beckett finished the report on the murder of Deon Carver in record time. She had thought, just briefly, of asking Ryan and Esposito to do the report. But, she decided that she had to do the report herself. I need to do this to put Royce behind me. And I have to put Royce behind me, no matter what.

She pushed the print button on her computer and heard the printer ending her relationship with Michael Royce. She got up and looked a Castle, who, oddly enough, was still sitting by her desk in spite of there only being boring police paperwork work to do. "I have to drop this on Montgomery's desk." She said unnecessarily. Castle knew perfectly well what happened when reports were finished by the arresting officer.

Once back at her desk, she began getting ready to leave.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Castle asked softly.

She shook her head. "No." I don't want to talk about it. Hell, I want to scream about it. I want to stand up in the precinct and just scream. She looked away from Castle so he wouldn't see the look on her face, pretending to look for a pen to take with her.

She stood up and headed for the elevator. "I need a drink." She said to no one in particular.

In spite of not being invited, Castle grabbed his jacket and followed her to the elevator. He stepped inside with her. She gave him a look that was neutral: Neither encouraging nor discouraging. He decided that he could go with her without risking great bodily harm.

Once out of the precinct, he began to head for Remy's. She stopped him. "Not Remy's. There are too many cops there. I don't want…" She stopped. I don't want a bunch of cops around who might have known Royce or who heard that I took down a retired cop, my former TO to boot. But I will have a drink with Castle. Now, why would I do that? He's not a cop, but he is my partner. He's also…She shook her head slightly. She was too tired and too upset to even try to understand her own motives.

She led Castle to a small bar a few blocks from the precinct. Cops rarely came here and there were none here tonight.

"I'll buy." Castle said.

"I can buy my own drinks, Castle." She snapped at him.

He ordered a Scotch and she ordered a white wine. They sat at a small booth in the back, facing each other. "Sorry for snapping at you. I shouldn't take out my own frustrations on you."

Castle smiled. "When I frustrate you, you take out your frustrations on me very well. It's not like it would be so different if you took out a few more frustrations on me."

She sighed. He's right. I do take out my frustrations on him sometimes. And I shouldn't.

They sat and drank in silence. When Kate finished her wine, she smiled at Castle. "Would you still be willing to buy me a drink?"

"Of course." He waved to the bartender who nodded and brought two more drinks.

"He was the only one who ever understood me, Castle. He understood how I could be driven by the loss of my mother to try to find her killer. He encouraged me, he helped me, he drove me when I felt like giving up, and he even supported me when I did give up." And here I sit, lying to Castle. Royce wasn't the only one. Castle has understood what drives me from the start. He encouraged me even when I hated him for it. He helped me to find her killer. Dick Coonan is dead because of Richard Castle. And I'm terrified of telling him how much that means to me.

"He made a mistake, Beckett. Granted, it was a big mistake, but it doesn't erase all of the good things he did in his life. "The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones." Castle quoted.

She nodded and ran her hand over her dad's watch. "He helped with my dad. Dad wasn't a loud, obnoxious drunk. He was the quiet, weepy kind of a drunk. But he was a drunk. I was so humiliated at having to ask Royce to help me get my father out of a bar somewhere and back home. Royce never complained, he never told anyone about it. He was always there for me. Like you are, Castle. You solve my problems even if you know I'll hate you for it. You weren't being selfish, you were willing to help me in the most important thing in my life no matter what it did to you. I could have lost you, and then where would I be? She peeked over the rim of her glass at Castle. I thought about sleeping with you once, early in our partnership. I thought that was all you wanted from me and that if we slept together, you'd leave and I'd be done with you. I almost wish I had and I'm happy that I didn't. I don't know where we'd be if we had slept together. She smiled very briefly to herself. What am I saying? I don't know where we are now. I like you, I need you and I'm afraid of you.

Castle decided that he should ask her the question that had been buzzing around in his brain all day. "And you say you weren't in love with Royce?"

Kate thought for a moment. "Maybe it wasn't love. Royce was on my side when everyone wasn't. My mom was dead, Dad was drunk, I was falling apart getting nowhere with Mom's case. Whatever it was, it was a strong emotion. Respect, admiration, hero worship, a lot of those things. I don't know. Castle. I don't love you, but I do feel strongly about you. I wish I could tell you how I feel and we could work out just what we are to each other. But you've gone back to your ex-wife and if I tried to explain things to you, you might feel you had to leave me. And I couldn't take that. As a cop and as a person, I need you too much. You are right though, about mistakes, and I made a huge one. If I had told you at once that I'd go with you to the Hamptons, we could have spent a weekend, several weekends, the whole damned summer figuring each other out. We might have…We might have fallen apart and then I'd have lost you just like I lost Royce. God, my life is a mess.

Castle looked across at Beckett, seeing the faraway look in her eyes. She's thinking about Royce, remembering the good times with him. Love? Maybe. It was a lot like when she was with Demming. The instant acceptance. She's a cop, he was a cop. They were together with Beckett in a way I'll never be. I'm not a cop. I'm not part of the brotherhood. When I come back to the precinct one day, she won't smile at me the way she smiled at Royce. There won't be any funny Castle and Beckett stories told. She won't put her arms around me and hug me. She'll probably just roll her eyes and ask what the hell I'm doing bothering her again. What I wouldn't give for Beckett to feel for me the way she felt for Royce. Castle shook his head and then looked to see if Beckett had caught it. Apparently, she hadn't. Mike Royce, you are a fool, sir. Kate Beckett is worth more than all the jewels on Earth.

Kate finished her wine. "I should go now. I have to get up early and chase villains and then wait for my partner to show up to speculate on the possibilities of zombies as the murderer." And in spite of my sarcasm with Castle, he brings me something I find I cannot do without. I am so pathetic.

Castle smiled. I suppose I am her partner. And that's a good thing. Perhaps, just perhaps, someday…No, I'd better not think that way. "Good night, Detective. Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." And many more, if I'm lucky.