509. Chapter 509

After Once Upon a Crime

Episode 4.17

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer and answer to the 4.16 quiz. UCSBdad does not own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Author's note: As some of you know, my wife was diagnosed with cancer in January. I'm sorry to have to report that she passed away yesterday. Because of this I'll be taking a little break from my Castle stories. I fully intend to return as I find writing about other people's problems therapeutic. I wish to thank all of you for your kindness to me since I started writing here.

Once upon a time, long, long ago in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a young scribe named Rick. He, being an adventurous sort, left his mother's home and wandered the kingdom, writing down his adventures and selling the stories to make his way in the world.

One day he came to a castle which was the home of a beautiful princess who ruled over a fair land. Hoping to find an adventure, or at least a place to stay and a meal, he knocked on the castle's gate. His knock was soon answered by a large, poorly dressed oaf who stared at Rick with vacant eyes.

"Hello." Said Rick. "How are you this fine day?"

Clearly stuck for an answer, the fellow stood there staring at Rick as drool ran down his chin. "What?" He finally replied.

"How. Are. You?" Rick said very slowly.

"Is that a trick question?" The fellow finally replied. This was clearly taxing his intellect.

Suddenly, a large well-armed knight also appeared at the door. "Go back to work, Demming. I'll handle this." The one known as Demming turned and sat on a table near the door.

"I'm Sir Javier, commander of the princess' guards. Who might you be?"

Never the one to let an opportunity to display his mastery of the language, syntax and grammar go to waste, Rick replied, "I might be almost anyone. I might be the Wizard of Oz. I might be Gandalf the Grey. I might even be the King of the World, before his ship sank."

Sir Javier drew his sword. "Cut to the chase, bro. Who are you?"

"I'm Rick the Scribe. I travel about, having adventures and writing about them. Then I have my stories printed up and sold."

"In other words you're a wandering bum?" Sir Javier said sarcastically.

"Not at all. Not at all. "A wee small fellow dressed in Kelly green stepped up. "The Princess loves his adventure stories: King Solomon's Factory; Moby Fred; The Last of the Tibetans; The Good, the Bad and the Weird; and The Game of Toilets. She has them all. She even had Demming stand in line at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire and Motocross to get a signed copy of The Mild Bunch."

Rick the Scribe smiled hugely. He loved meeting his fans, especially if they were princesses. "So can I see the Princess?"

"She can't be bothered. She's asleep." Sir Javier answered curtly.

"So when will she wake up?" Rick asked.

"We don't know. She's been asleep since she was nineteen. The wizard across the valley turned her mother to stone. The shock put poor Princess Kate asleep. She's been asleep for almost a dozen years."

"That's terrible!" Said Rick. "What can we do?"

"We?" Said Sir Javier. "Since when are you a part of this, bro?"

"Duh! This looks like an adventure. I'm an adventurer. Naturally I want to be involved."

"You know what an adventure is, don't you?" Asked Sir Javier. Without waiting for Rick to reply, he answered his own question. "An adventure is something ghastly that happens to someone else."

Rick nodded. "Admittedly not all of my adventures have been all fun and games. The Redheaded League Against Me was scary, let me tell you. The Adventure of the Icy Blonde…?" Rick shivered at the memory.

"There was only one redhead so how did she become a league?" The green clad fellow asked.

"Dramatic license." Rick said quickly. "But moving on, what would bring Princess Kate out of her sleep?"

Sir Javier and the green man exchanged a look. The Sir Javier spoke. "The Wicked Witch of the 20th said that he who smites the evildoer shall awaken the Princess."

"So all we have to do is smite this wizard? Nothing to it. Let's do this thing."

"You'll never touch him. He's protected." Sir Javier said.

"By what? A magic spell? A tame dragon? What?"

"A soulless killer who rides a metal steed. No one has ever beaten him. You have to get past him to get to the dragon."

Rick wondered if he hadn't spoken too soon. But, he had spoken." So, let's go off and take care of this clown."

"I can't." Sir Javier said. "I have to polish my armor tonight."

"Oh, too bad." Cried the wee green man. "I'm making up some of the creature and I'll be busy. Maybe next week?"

"What about him?" Rick asked, pointing at the man who'd originally opened the door.

"Demming?" Said Sir Javier. "He sits on the mail when the postbeing delivers it until we can sort it and send it to whoever it's for here in the palace. His job is far too important to let him go with you."

Rick frowned. "I suppose I'll just have to flatten this soulless killer and his dragon friend myself."

Sir Javier and the wee fellow pushed Rick out of the door. "Good idea, bro. Let us know how it all works out. Drop us a line." They called, slamming the door.

Rick stood in front of the castle, wondering how he should go about this.

"Hey, Writer Boy." Called a feminine voice. "Over here."

Rick looked and saw he was being called to by a lovely lass, who from her dusky complexion must have been from far Nubia. "Yes?"

"You're going after the dragon?" She asked.

"Somebody has to." Rick said stoutly.

The lass rolled her eyes. "There's one born every minute. Look, Writer Boy…"

"Writer Man, if you please.'

"Whatever! I can give you a little help. See this magic tee shirt?"

She held out a black tee short with a strange inscription on it. Rick puzzled out the meaning:

Live to Ride

Ride to Live

Harley-Davidson

"I have no idea what that means." He said honestly.

"It will identify you as being friendly to the soulless killer's magical metal steed. Harley, the steed, won't fight you. But that leaves you fighting Davidson. Good luck with that."

"Gee, thanks." Rick said. Pulling on the magic tee shirt.

"I'll also see to it that you get a proper burial. You can get a discount. Tell them Lanie sent you."

Wondering what the fair maiden had meant by that, Rick headed across the valley to the dragon's lair. Halfway there, he was stopped by a tall man in a black helmet and cape.

"Luke, I am your father." The stranger said.

"But, I'm not Luke." A confused Rick said.

"Just a little joke, son. But I am your dad and I have a gift for you. A lightsaber."

"I think a heavy saber might be more useful."

"No, Ricky. A saber with a blade made of light."

"You mean a flashlight?"

The dark clad man touched a button and a blade of light shot out. He quickly used the blade to slice through a vast oak tree and a man who was hugging the tree for some odd reason. "Oops." Said the man, handing Rick the lightsaber and leaving, being careful to wipe his fingerprints off first.

At the wizard's palace, Rick was confronted by an evil looking man who did indeed ride on a steel steed.

"Fee, fi, fo, fum." The soulless one said. "If you came for me, you must be dumb." With that he charged Rick. But as the fair maid of Nubia had foretold, the steel steed refused to take part in the fight and threw the Davidson off. Picking up his scalpel, he advanced on Rick, who lopped his head off with one blow of his lightsaber.

"Oops." Rick said sarcastically.

Rick them walked into the wizards lair, wondering what fiendish monsters and machinations would be protecting the evil wizard. However, all that Rick saw were huge piles of gold. Finally, he came upon a small, wizened dragon sitting atop the largest pile of gold.

"Excuse me." Rick said politely, "Can you direct me to the dragon? I need to smite him."

The little dragon looked up and laughed. "I'm the dragon. And you can't hurt me. Look at all of the gold I have. I'm untouchable."

Rick nodded and lopped the dragon's head off. Rick waited to see if the gold would help the dragon, but it didn't. Walking out, Rick took out his pen and scribbled over the doorway, "Under new management. Rick the Scribe, Proprietor."

Seeing the steel steed standing ready, Rick mounted him and rode back across the valley. There waiting for him, with the worst case of bed head he'd ever seen, was Princess Kate. However, Rick found that the Princess cleaned up nicely and deciding not to wait for years and years to get together, they were married the next day.

And they lived happily ever after.