520. Chapter 520

After Probable Cause

Episode 5.05

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Does anyone really believe that I own Castle? Rating: T Time: See above

Serial Heat

By

Richard Castle

Captain Nikki Heat sat in her office with the love of her life, carefully scrutinizing the video running on Rook's laptop. She admired the way he lowered himself down onto her from the trapeze and remembered how sad she'd been when he'd been unable to find 144 gallons of the imported Irish whipped cream that they usually used for a bed. She sighed happily as she remembered how he had entered her from the back while hanging upside down.

"Captain Heat?" Said Detective Ochoa, sticking his head into her office. "We have one. You'll want to see this one."

Nikki smiled at the detective and calmly shut the laptop down, being sure to engage the security system that required a password consisting of an upper case letter, a lower case letter, a number, a symbol, a haiku, a gang sign and the blood of a virgin. "Yes, Detective Ochoa?"

"It looks like it's 3KY again, Captain."

"3KY." Nikki whispered, her blood running cold.

"Who's 3KY?" Rook asked innocently.

"A sexual pervert." Ochoa replied. "He grabs young blonde women, strips them and covers them with KY jelly."

"What does he do then?" Rook asked, curious now.

"Nothing." Nikki said. "We suspect he has a performance problem."

The words "performance problem" wafted out of Captain Heat's office to the ears of Detective Thomas Schlemming. Recalling his last dalliance with a high end call girl who had claimed that she could excite a gay cadaver, he began shuddering. She had not only failed with him, but the experience had caused her to run screaming from his apartment and join a convent. Tears poured down Schlemming's face, but that was so normal for him that no one noticed.

"The victim's been released from the Emergency Room and is ready to give us a statement. Would you care to do the honors?" Detective Raley asked.

"Absolutely." Nikki said, a grim look on her face.

"Is this personal?" Rook asked softly as they walked to an empty office where the victim waited.

"My niece Brunhilda may have been an early victim of his."

"May have been?" Rook asked, sensing a possible story.

"Brunhilda has always been… a free spirited young thing." Nikki said carefully. "In high school she was the…Um, mascot of an outlaw motorcycle club."

"An outlaw biker club?" Rook said, wondering how this had affected his loving wife.

"All right!" Nikki exploded. "You and your damned investigative reporter skills! It was seven clubs and she was the "mascot" for over two hundred chapters."

"I didn't ask." Rook said.

"You weren't asking very loudly."

They had arrived at the office and went in. The victim was an attractive blonde in her twenties wearing a conservative business suit with a skirt that was well past her knees. Her hair was in a bun and she wore no makeup.

"I'm Captain Nikki Heat and this is Mr. Rook." Nikki introduced them. "And you are?"

"Nancy Never. I changed my name for business purposes."

"And what is your business?" Nikki asked.

"I'm the president and CEO of FUND; Former Nymphomaniacs and Dyslexics United."

"I see." Nikki noticed that Rook's ears perked up at the word nymphomaniac and casually ground her stiletto heel into his instep.

"Yes." Ms. Never continued." Can you believe that I once had to have sex as many as seventy times a day?"

"Um, do you know any good places to get really good Irish whipped cream?" Rook interrupted. "Or a parrot who can quote Shakespeare?"

"Not now, Rook." Nikki said testily. "How did you end your…amorous ways, Ms. Never?"

"I had a blind date with a man. He was sweating unbelievably and there was something about the aroma and the amount that turned me off of sex at once."

Outside the office, Detective Schlemming, sweating copiously, contemplated moving to a deserted island away from all humanity again. He remembered the last time he had tried that and the reaction of the local skunk population. How could they be so cruel? He carefully tiptoed away from Captain Heat and the now renamed Ms. Never. He had hoped to never see her again, and to be reminded of his failings. The remainder of the bullpen, clad in gas masks barely noticed his passing.

"Do you remember anything about the man who attacked you?" Nikki asked.

Ms. Never shook her head. "He knocked me out from behind and when I awoke, I was naked and covered in KY jelly." Ms. Never suddenly thought of something. "There was something odd just before the attack, though. A dozen or more skunks ran past me, running very rapidly. It was odd, now that I think of it."

Nikki looked around to make sure no one else could hear her. "Ms. Never, do you think your organization could help my niece Brunhilda? She's a bit wild."

"Brunhilda?" Ms. Never said, frowning. "You mean the mascot of the Wild Ones, Satan's Minions, the Mad Manglers, the Roaring Boys, the Exterminators, the…."

"Yes! Her!" Nikki said. "And can you keep your voice down."

Ms. Never shook her head. "Brunhilda can ride an eighteen wheeler astride. I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything. Send her around."

Once back in her office, Nikki called in Roach, as she called Raley and Ochoa. "Check Ms. Never's phones and financials. And check traffic and security cams in her area. He may have stalked Ms. Never before he attacked her. And remember, 3KY always attacks three victims before he disappears. We have to catch him before he strikes again."

Alas, they were unable to do so.

"Sister Agnes, can you tell us what happened." Nikki asked.

But the former high end call girl who had entered a nunnery could recall nothing, although she had the feeling she'd smelled a peculiar aroma in the police station before.

3KY had already struck twice. Nikki knew she had to do something desperate to catch this villain. She went down to Vice and borrowed a very short skirt, a skin tight tee shirt, a pair of well named hooker heels, and a blonde wig. She looked at the clothing happily and tossed them to Rook. "Put those on." She commanded.

"Why me? You're the woman." Rook complained.

"I'm the cop. Who's going to arrest the pervert and rescue you?" Nikki said reasonably.

Later that night Rook walked through the darkened streets of Manhattan, wiggling his ass in a way that aroused Nikki to no end. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a figure dressed in black jumped Rook, knocked him down and began undressing him. Rook was down to a fetching pink teddy and fishnet stocking held up with garters with little hearts on them when Nikki and Roach grabbed the miscreant.

"Detective Schlemming!" They cried in unison.

"No." Said Rook, standing and giving then all a look at his firm abs, then pulling the mask from the perverts face.

"Senator Broken!" They cried in unison. They surreptitiously checked Rook to make sure he had no more masks to rip off.

"And I would have gotten away…" Senator Broken began.

"Please! Not the Scooby Doo ending." Said Rook, "It's been done to death."

"Curses! Foiled again." The senator improvised.

"Where is Schlemming?" Nikki asked.

"No one knows." Raley replied. "But coincidently, there's a huge herd of skunks moving south from Lake George."

Later, back at his loft, Rook did the bump and grind to Bob Dylan's Like a Rolling Stone as Nikki stuffed home- made strudel down his front and whistled loudly.

And they lived happily ever after. Even Brunhilda.