567. Chapter 567

After Meme Is Murder

Episode 7.05

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I want my followers to know I do not own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Lord Richard Castle sat in the dining room of his expansive London home in trendy Sloane Square. With Lord Castle, the famous inventor, explorer, adventurer, poet, writer and philosopher, sat his beautiful American born wife, Lady Katherine Beckett Castle and his lovely daughter, Lady Alexis Castle. If the truth be told, it must be admitted that many of Lord Castle's achievements, such as the steam powered dirigible, the electric elephant gun, (and one must admit the electric elephant itself.), the discovery of Shangri-La in the Himalayas, and the recovery of the Infamous Black Pearl of Katmandu, were due in no small part to these two brilliant and beautiful women. Alas, the nineteenth century was not a time when the achievements of females could be celebrated, so Lord Castle got all the credit.

Lord Castle cleared his throat, attracting the attention of the lovely ladies. "Ahem! I should like you to witness the first test of my new invention, the steam driven bread toaster." Lord Castle smiled at the two women in his life, upon whom he loved to lavish attention and to make their days lighter.

Lord Castle flipped a small switch by his plate of baked beans from his breakfast. Two small carts, pulled by two tiny mechanical horses, ran across the table to stop in front of Lady Katherine. Tiny mechanical men leapt from the carts, grabbed a slice of bread from one wagon while other mechanical men stoked the fire in the other cart, which would toast the bread. As Lord Castle watched happily, Lady Alexis noticed that the bread was beginning to smoke. "Um, Father, dearest…." Before she could finish, the bread caught fire, setting the two tiny carts on fire and sending the little mechanical men running.

Luckily, Jenny Ryan, wife of the stout hearted Constable Kevin Ryan, and cook to the Castle family, was ready. Having seen Lord Castle's steam powered carpet cleaner chew a priceless Persian rug to rags, and his electric dish washer reduce the Wedgewood China to mere slivers, she had a bucket of water ready and doused the fire before any real damage was done.

Before anyone could comment, Dumming entered the room. Our faithful readers may recall that the original Dumming had been Lord Castle's valet. However, that was a bit too much for his limited intellect to manage and he had gradually been demoted to the job of ballast on Lord Castle's dirigible. However, that Dumming had recently been crowned the King of Ruritania. He was, of course, a figurehead, having the appropriate wooden head. The power behind the throne being Cosmo, Lord Castle's Tibetan mastiff. Lord Castle, needing a replacement for Cosmo, if not Dumming, had acquired another Tibetan mastiff and named him Dumming. The dog was not happy with the name for obvious reasons, and at that very time, his solicitors were filing for a change of name.

Dumming approached Lord Castle and dropped two visiting cards by his plate. (Dumming was busy growing opposable thumbs, not that he really needed them as King of Ruritania.)

"I say." Said Lord Castle. "We have visitors. My friend Charles Babbage and his friend, Ada Lovelace. What could they want?"

Before he could speak again, Victoria, their maid ushered the two visitors into the dining room. Victoria had been rescued by the Castles from a fate worse than death in far Samarkand, and had been given a position as maid to the Castle household. Although an intelligent enough young woman, she had not yet fully adapted to English ways. Coming to Dumming, she dropped to all fours and said, "May I pass, Great Lord?" Getting her face licked by Dumming, which the other Dumming had done on occasion, oddly enough, she crawled to Lord Castle. "Ma'am, we have visitors." Saying this, she crawled off.

"I say, Lord Castle, how good to see you again." Said Mr. Babbage.

"I'm always glad to see you as well." Said Miss Lovelace, who was, in fact the daughter of the famous writer, Lord Byron.

"What brings you out on such a fine day?" Asked Lady Katherine, her senses anticipating that something was afoot.

"I fear we bear bad news. Joshua Davidson, the Romulus Augustus of Crime, has escaped from the Tower of London."

Davidson had aspired to become the Napoleon of Crime, but after repeated defeats a the hand of Lord Castle, the International Brotherhood of Super Villains, had named him the Romulus Augustus of Crime, after the last and most incompetent Roman Emperor. The Brotherhood had indeed threatened to reduce Davidson further to the status of an honest man if he didn't defeat Lord Castle.

"Escaped from the Tower of London?" Exclaimed Lord Castle. "But, how?"

"He escaped disguised as a small, polite Peruvian bear who frequented the Tower. The guards even said the rogue smelled of orange marmalade."

"The scoundrel!" Lord Castle said, clearly upset.

"There is worse to come." Said Miss Lovelace.

"What? Worse?" Expostulated Lord Castle.

"The rogue has stolen my difference engine." Said Mr. Babbage, sadly.

"A different engine, you say?" Asked Lord Castle. "What's so different about it?"

"It's a difference engine, Father." Lady Alexis interrupted. "It's used to make very rapid mathematical calculations that would take a human mathematician days or even weeks to make. But what could someone like Davidson want with a difference engine?"

"In addition, he has stolen the algorithm I wrote to run the engine." Said Miss Lovelace.

"Algo Rhythm?" Lord Castle said, his ruggedly handsome brow furrowing with puzzlement. "Didn't we dance to that at the Brazilian Embassy last year, Dearest? I'm sure Emperor Dom Pedro II was there."

"An algorithm is a type of mathematical formulation, Dearest Richard."

"Of course. Of course." Muttered Lord Castle.

"It's that scamp Herbert George Wells fault." Said Babbage, scandalized.

Both Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis smiled to themselves. They knew that Helena G. Wells was the actual author of those scientific romances.

"What has be done?" Asked Lord Castle.

"Have you not read Wells' story in the Strand Magazine about land ironclads? Huge machines, covered in armor, powered by steam and carrying soldiers armed with rifles that have an aiming mechanism, not unlike the Kodak box camera. One merely centers the target in the lens and shoots. Fiendish and Un-English, is what I call it. With my difference engine, the mathematical calculations to make such a machine can be made in mere hours rather than the years it would normally take. "

The conversation was interrupted by the sound of rifle fire and the clanking of monstrous steel wheels coming down the street and the chuff-chuff-chuff of a steam engine. Everyone ran to the lounge to see what it was.

"That can only be a land ironclad." Said Babbage, staring at the steel colossus bearing down on them.

"We must get to our lab to concoct a weapon against this, my love." Said Lady Katherine.

"I think not." Cried Ada Lovelace, pulling a large bore revolver from her bodice. (Yes, the bodice was large enough to accommodate a large bore pistol. She was a woman of many, or at least two, talents.)

"Ada! What has come over you?" Cried Babbage.

Ada laughed and tore off her mask and wig.

"Meredith! My ex-wife? " Cried Lord Castle. "But why?"

"Because if I can't have you, no one can."

Luckily, Dumming had been suspicious of the new human female and sprang into action. Using his powerful nose, he goosed Meredith, very hard.

Meredith screamed and reached for her bottom, which didn't come close to being as perfect as Lady Kathrine's. Dumming grabbed her pistol and quickly unloaded it, while sniffing Meredith's bottom. It was not at all a pleasant sniff and Dumming would spend many hours with this alienist, although mostly they argued about whether Dumming could get on the couch in the alienist's office. Eventually, Dumming would find peace with himself for what was a natural reaction for a dog.

Meanwhile, Lord Castle grabbed Meredith, who struggled mightily. "A bit of help here, my dear? As an English gentleman, I cannot strike a lady."

Lady Kathrine promptly cold cocked Meredith. "What lady?" She muttered.

By this time, volleys of rifle fire were sleeting through the Castle home while outside they could hear Joshua Davidson screaming, "Top of the world, Ma. Top of the world."

Lady Kathrine and Lady Alexis led the household to their laboratory where Javier Esposito, now Lord Castle's gentleman's gentleman but once a member of the famed French Foreign Legion, where he had marched over the Sahara's burning sands from Fort Zinderneuf to Lake Chad and back, as well as having tramped through the steaming jungles of Africa and Tonkin, chastising the enemies of La Belle France whether they be Tuaregs, Mahdists or Chinese Black Flags, waited with his 8mm Lebel rifle as well as Lord Castle's electric elephant gun, which luckily could be used to shoot things other than electric elephants.

Alas and alack! Their bullets just bounced off the steel monster that was now ripping up the lounge.

Dumming, a newcomer to the Castle household, was packing a small bag of doggie treats and gold guineas, while telephoning for a Ruritanian visa for his passport. He was sure Cosmo could use some help.

However, all was not lost! Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis were mixing some o-chlorobenzylidene malononitrile.

"I say, dearest, should you be cooking at a time like this?" Lord Castle asked.

"Dear husband, this compound will induce a burning sensation to the eyes to the extent that the subject will not be able to keep his eyes open. It will cause a burning sensation in the nose, mouth and mucous membranes. I call it tear gas. As the vehicle down there needs air for its engine, it will be a simple matter to drop this into the air intakes and disable the crew."

In no time at all, the machine was stopped and the crew of thugs and ne'er do wells poured out into the waiting arms of the London Metropolitan Police. Davidson, now known as the Person Formerly Known as a Criminal, was taken back to the Tower of London where an unidentified, but small, furry and cute bystander threw an orange marmalade sandwich at him.

After a bit of repair to the Castle home, the Castle household returned to normal and once again we look in on Lord Castle and his family as they eat their breakfast. Except for Dumming, who had decided to eat the Ruritanian visa application to conceal his lack of faith in Lord Castle. Both Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis found a lack of faith disturbing.

"Dearest Katherine, I've been considering. Rather than going to the South of France for some sunshine, wouldn't it be splendid if I could invent a machine what could tan a person in their own home?"

Both Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis rolled their eyes.

Author's note: Charles Babbage did invent what he called a difference engine for making mathematical calculations, but never was able to build a working machine. A Babbage difference engine made in the 1990s to his plans and using nineteenth century technology produced a functioning mechanical computer. Ada Lovelace born Augusta Ada King, Countess of Lovelace, and the daughter of the poet Lord Byron, is considered to have written the first computer program in history. Both, however, died well before the time of this story.

H. G. Wells did write a short story called Land Ironclads which described tank-like machines but predated the invention of the tank by some thirteen years.