575. Chapter 575

After Private Eye Caramba

Episode 7.12

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No tengo Castle. Rating: K+ Time: See above.

Rook, P.I.

Richard Castle

Jameson Rook sat back in his Swedish modern office and checked the amount in his bank account from his most recent successful cases. Of course, Rook had no unsuccessful cases. The payment for his most recent case had been small, but Rook felt a sense of accomplishment for having proved that Alexander Hamilton had not been killed by Vice President Aaron Burr back in 1804.

Rook looked up and smiled as his girl Friday, Nikki Heat, walked into his office. He was glad that she had quit the NYPD if for no other reason than it got her out of the pants she always wore and into skirts. Skirts that showed off her gorgeous legs. "What do you need, Beautiful?"

"Just you, Rook." She said, her voice thickening with passion. "Just you."

"Nikki is his secretary?" Kate said, looking over his shoulder.

"It's just a rough draft. I'll change the names to something else."

"And none of your readers are going to figure out that you're the PI and I'm the secretary? Really?"

Rook, P.I.

Richard Castle

Rook looked up as his partner, Nikki Heat walked in. He smiled. Nikki was not only the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, but she had been the best homicide detective in the NYPD. He knew that he was lucky to have been able to get her. Even luckier, they were in love with each other.

"Better?" Castle asked.

"Much."

Castle continued writing.

"There's a dame outside who wants to hire you, Rook. She says she's an ex of yours." Nikki said, jealousy tinging her voice.

Rook shrugged. "Since I met you, Nikki, I can't remember knowing any other women. Except my mom, of course.

"She says her name is Meredith Squanque, Does that ring any bells?"

Rook shook his head. "Show her in."

Ms. Squanque had clearly seen better days. She had obviously been dressed by the Salvation Army who regrettably hadn't been able to find her a well-fitting set of false teeth, nor a place where she could take a bath. Rook sighed as the orchids he had been growing for Nikki died as Ms. Squanque walked past them.

Kate giggled. "Castle, Meredith isn't my favorite person, but she is Alexis' mother and she deserves a little respect. Okay?"

Castle nodded. "Okay. What if I just say she had seen better days? She's no kid anymore and she spends her allowance like money is going to become illegal tomorrow."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Okay. What's next?"

"How can we here at Rook International Investigations help you, Ms. Squanque?"

"It's my purse. A very expensive purse. It was made for the Russian Czar in 1897 and is encrusted with emeralds. I'm afraid it's been stolen."

"Where was it stolen from?"

Ms. Squanque looked embarrassed. "I was at my boyfriend's place."

"And where did you put your purse?" Rook asked, wondering how this woman had ended up with such a valuable purse.

"It was with the rest of my clothes."

"Beg pardon?"

Ms. Squanque managed a blush. "We were making a little sex tape. Just for our own amusement."

"Just the two of you?"

"The two of us, the twelve Emperor penguins, the vat of grape jam, the snow making machine, the trapeze and the seven hundred year old Persian carpet."

"A sex tape, Castle? You aren't running the memories of the Deep Fried Twinkie through your mind as you do this, are you?"

"I'll just say that she put her purse down with coat and when she came back it was gone. Okay?"

Kate nodded.

"Who and where is your boyfriend?"

"I'm afraid he's married. He lives with his wife in a brownstone facing Central Park. His name is Jeff Davison."

Kate rolled her eyes at the name, but said nothing.

Rook decided that he'd call on the good doctor with Ms. Squanque in tow. Since his better half was at home, he decided to look the doctor up at his office, a swanky place in lower Manhattan.

As they stood waiting for the elevator, Rook noticed a cheap gunsel giving them the eye. Rook quickly grabbed the man and pulled his overcoat down over his arms. Rook reached into the gunsel's coat pockets and hauled out two gats. He turned to a security guard. "What kind of a joint are you running here? Letting cheap gunsels walk around with their tool bulging their clothing?"

"Do you know what a gunsel is?" Kate asked.

Castle looked up at her, curiously. "Sure. It's a slang term for a gunman. Bogart used it to describe Elisha Cook, Jr. in the Maltese Falcon. That's where I borrowed the line from. "

Kate shook her head. "Back when Dashiell Hammett was writing for cheap pulp magazines, he had a magazine editor who was very conservative. Wouldn't allow any kind of sexual innuendo into his magazine. It bothered Hammett, so he included a line where a character said he was so hard up he was reduced to doing the gooseberry lay. He also referred to some thug as a gunsel."

"So?"

"So, the gooseberry lay was criminal slang back then for stealing clothing off of clotheslines and selling it. A gunsel was a slang term for a gay prostitute. The editor had him change the part about the gooseberry lay but kept the word gunsel in. It's supposed to be from the Yiddish word for goose, gonsel. That's where they got the part about his tool bulging his clothing."

"It's so sexy that you read." Kate just looked at him. "Okay. The guy will be a thug. Is there anything I should know about word thug?"

Kate shrugged. "It's from a Hindi word meaning "Deceiver." The thugs, properly pronounced "toogs' were a group of murderous bandits who preyed on travelers in India and worshipped Kali, the Hindu goddess of love and death. But now days, it just means a bad guy."

Rook and Ms. Squanque walked into Dr. Davison's office unannounced. Davison had a blonde on his desk and was giving her the old in and out. The blonde screamed as soon as she saw Rook and Miss Squanque.

Rook smiled. Sitting there on the desk was a very fancy purse, covered in emeralds. "Looks like I found your purse."

Miss Squanque grabbed her purse and hit Davison with it as hard as she could. Davison began to cry. "I want my mommy!"

Again, Kate rolled her eyes, but said nothing.

"How dare you steal my purse, Joshua Jefferson Davison. I should call the police and have you arrested."

"No, no! Anything but that. If I go to prison I'll be some lifer's bitch by nightfall. I have money, I can pay you."

"You don't have to." Rook said. "I remember where I saw Meredith before. I was working undercover. Let me tell you what happened here. You met Gina here," he pointed to the blonde, "and she got you all hot and bothered. Made you buy her stuff you couldn't really afford. Now you're in debt, so Gina just happens to have a pal who'll loan you the cash. I met him downstairs just now. But Gina gets you to spend more money until you can't pay off the loan shark. Then they tell you that you can make it all good by stealing a priceless purse from Meredith here. Of course the purse is just costume jewelry. You're desperate, so you steal the purse. But then Meredith catches you with her purse and threatens to send you to the slammer, so you pay more money. And you keep paying until you're broke. Then the three of them look for another sucker."

"We'll be leaving." Gina said, putting on the rest of her clothes. But when she opened the door, Detectives, Raley and Ochoa were standing there. "We'll take it from here, Rook. Thanks."

Davison began crying again. "What will my wife, Victoria, say?"

Once back at the office, Rook poured two glasses of Sancerre and handed one to Nikki. "Sometimes it can be a problem not being able to remember any woman I met before you, Nikki."

"I guess, but we love each other."

"Always."

Kate kissed her husband. "It's okay, but you should write books about Captain Nikki Heat and her journalist lover, Jameson Rook."

Castle smiled at her. "Always."

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