581. Chapter 581

After At Close Range

Episode 7.18

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I would elect to own Castle, if I could. Rating: K Time: See above.

Washington, D.C. - In a move that rocked the political establishment, first term Senator Katherine Beckett-Castle was unanimously elected the majority leader of the US Senate today. What this shocking event portends for the future is unclear. We will keep you updated on this developing story. Film at eleven.

Former Presidential Candidate Donald Frump said, in spite of not being asked, that this "Was the beginning of a whole new day for America." When asked what he meant by that, Frump replied, "Well, the sun is just coming up. That's the start of the day, right?" Mr. Frump defied this reporter to prove him wrong.

When asked by this reporter how she had managed to secure such wide support within her often fractious party, Senator Beckett-Castle replied, "I just sat down with each and every senator in a quiet room and talked with them. They are a very interesting group who told me many interesting things about themselves and before anyone knew it, I had their votes."

When asked whether she would continue with the policies that brought her from the NYPD to the Senate, she replied, "Always."

Also with the senator was her husband, Richard Castle-Beckett who was asked if his latest best seller, Senatorial Heat, was indeed being made into a movie starring Miley Cyrus as Senator Nikki Heat. Castle-Beckett replied diplomatically that no actress would ever come close to the model for Nikki Heat, his wife, Kate.

The Pentagon- Newly sworn in Secretary of Defense Javier Esposito announced that he is making a whirlwind tour of the various hotspots around the world where US troops are engaged. When asked what he hoped to get from this tour, Secretary Esposito said that "I'll be kicking ass and taking names, you can be damned sure, bro." A Pentagon spokesperson later clarified those remarks by saying that "Secretary Esposito hoped to meet many of our fine armed service members and get an up close and personal look at their problems in the field."

Hollywood, CA. – In a surprise move, Global Films International announced that they had selected Broadway diva Martha Rodgers to direct Senatorial Heat instead of presumed front runner Quentin Tarantino. When asked for a comment, Mr. Tarantino said that he was just happy that the film would be made and returned to work on his latest film, Let's Kill Everyone in Slow Motion, Part Seven. Mr. Tarantino said he had no comment on rumors sweeping movieland that the part of Nikki Heat would be offered to a virtually unknown Canadian actress of Balkan descent.

New York City- Police Chief Kevin Ryan announced today that his lovely wife Jennifer had given birth to their twelfth child, a girl, eight pounds, four ounces, named Sarah Grace Ryan XII. "We have to agree on a new name some damned time. We just have to." Chief Ryan was heard to have said. Chief Ryan did say that his retirement would now be delayed until Sarah Grace XII either finished college or entered a nunnery. "If you think I'm ever letting a teenage boy near any of my twelve daughters, you're out of your mind."

Palo Alto, CA- The on again, off again romance between IT billionaire Alexis Castle and Stanford Poet-in- Residence Ashley Linden is apparently off again. While attending a Stanford football game, Ms. Castle was heard disparaging the Stanford Band, and asking why a tree was the team mascot of a team called the Cardinal. "And why is it singular?" She further added. Dr. Linden immediately produced a series of haikus disparaging Ms. Castle as a "loser of rats." The flame haired billionaire had her personnel VTOL airplane come and pick her up from the parking lot, saying of Linden, "He's just never here for me."

Elko, NV- Outlaw motorcycle gang members Thomas "Screech" Demming and Joshua "Doc" Davidson were arrested in a pre-dawn raid by both Federal and State authorities. FBI Director Tory Ellis said that the two were at the center of a vast ring that counterfeited Disneyland tickets and sold them to unsuspecting school children around the world. Demming was also charged with TPing rival gang leader Sidney "Fuddy Duddy" Perlmutter's mobile home. Director Ellis said that when arrested, Demming was carrying a Super Soaker squirt gun filled with Kool Aid that was well past it's sell by date. Davidson was arrested wearing only a used Depends undergarment, a very used Depends. Director Ellis said that she hopes that this sends a message to lawbreakers everywhere that this kind of activity will not be tolerated.

Buffalo, New York- The saga of the crazy cat lady of Buffalo has taken a new and bizarre turn. Victoria Gates, who as readers may remember, will only answer to the name, "Sir" was taken into custody after hijacking a milk truck and pouring the contents into her illegal swimming pool. Animal Control Officer Joseph Pulgatti said he had never seen a sight like that in all of his time on the job. "The old lady must have a thousand cats in her house, maybe more. We've had to call in animal control officers from as far away as Connecticut to handle the overload and we have no idea where to put them all. The oddest thing is not that she's given them all a name, I mean all pet lovers do that, but they're all called Mr. Kessel or something like that. She keeps asking the cats for the story. What story? What kind of a story can you get from a cat?" The bemused animal control officer asked.

New York City- Evelyn Montgomery, widow of disgraced NYPD Captain Roy Montgomery, has finally settled her long running law suit with the estate of disgraced Senator William Bracken. In addition to a sizeable financial settlement, the estate has agreed to publish her biography of her late husband, Roy Montgomery: Hero, Martyr, and Mentor to Detective Kate Beckett Who Couldn't Leave Well Enough Alone. Amazon drones will be delivering a free copy to every person in the United States beginning Thursday, so watch the skies, folks.

Nashville, TN- Country and Western singers Jackson and Rita Hunt have announced plans for a world tour beginning next spring, In addition to the usual venues for such concerts, the platinum selling duo will be playing in Moscow, Russia; Grozny, Chechnya; Kiev, Ukraine; Tehran, Iran; Damascus, Syria; Pyongyang, North Korea; and Beijing, China. In his usual folksy, homespun way, Jackson Hunt said he planned to raise a little hell on this tour, as long as his wife didn't catch him.

Moscow, Russia- We can now confirm that American prima ballerina Lanie Parish has been selected to be the prima ballerina of the Bolshoi Ballet. Ms. Parish said that her success was due to the constant help of her husband, Dr. Carver Burke, who had helped her overcome the belief that her body was not suited for ballet. "Everybody thinks that ballet can only be danced by those chicks who are so skinny that they make Kate Castle look like she's built like a brick (Expletive deleted.) "

Amsterdam, Holland- Riots swept this usually peaceful city as partisans of the far right Freedom Front, led by their enigmatic leader, known only as 3.1416, demanded a place in the government after winning nearly half the votes in the recent election. However, a coalition between the Fuzzy Bunny Slippers Party and the Big Ass Boat Party has established a government with a majority of one. Demands allegedly issuing from the Freedom Front's leader are somewhat bizarre and include banning all US mystery novels from being sold in Holland, that all redheads must have their hair dyed black, and that all Dutch bees must wear tiny GPS transponders so that their location can be ascertained at all times.

New York City- Gina Cowan, president of Black Pawn Publishing announced that the firm had filed for bankruptcy after the epic failure of the tell-all book by Meredith Castle entitled Nikki Heat? Like Hell! I Was His Muse First! Ms. Cowan announced that all Richard Castle memorabilia held by Black Pawn would be donated to the New York Public Library due to an unnoticed section in Mr. Castle's contract put there by James Beckett, Esq. "He wrote the damned thing on the edge of the contract in Latin and our attorney Will Sorenson missed it completely." Ms. Cowan said.

Rick Castle took his beautiful wife in his arms and kissed her passionately.

"I know your tells, Castle. What do you want?" She teased.

"The same thing you want." He said, leading her to the bedroom.

"And…?"

"When we move to the White House in two years, can I please fly in Marine One, the Presidential helicopter, with you?"

"I don't know. Will you be able to keep your hands to yourself?"

"Never."

"It's a deal, then."