584. Chapter 584

After PhDead

Episode 8.03

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: So far, season eight is proof that I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time:

"Can you just trust me, Castle? And give me some space?"

Castle took a deep breath. He had to be friendly and polite. He wanted to scream at Beckett, but he knew if he did that, she'd just get angry in return and they'd get nowhere. He shrugged and smiled at her. "I'd be happier with trusting you if your decision making when you've unilaterally cut me out of things in the past was a little better."

"You're criticizing my decision making? Mr. I-never-met-a-conspiracy-I-didn't –like?" She smiled slightly.

"Let's go back to the beginning, shall we. You insisted that I should never look into your mother's case. If I had trusted you, we'd be looking at President-for-Life Bracken of the Sociopaths Party."

"I had gone through an awful lot on that case. It tore me apart. But I eventually agreed with you."

"After telling me we were over."

Kate just nodded.

"Okay, second issue. Shortly after we got the man who actually killed your mother, I found myself locked out again."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I was pretty convinced that you couldn't wait to shove me off of your team so that you could bring Demming in."

"That's absurd. I broke up with Demming, if you remember."

"Yes, you did. And you waited until after the last possible second to let me know what you wanted to do. And so I went to the Hamptons with Gina instead of you. And when I did come back, you were mad at me. You turned down my invitation, remember? Not the other way around. But you were mad at me for some reason."

"Maybe we weren't ready to be serious about each other. You're not exactly known for being serious. But you did come back. Perhaps it was for the best."

Castle nodded. "Okay, fair criticism. But for the murder of Maya Santori, that could have been the end of us. I was going to come to the precinct, really. I was planning on coming when you weren't there so I wouldn't have to watch you and Demming make out in front of me. I would have come in quickly, seen everyone else and been on my merry way. I had a book tour that I was thinking about making and then maybe a long vacation to get over you. With me thinking that you had no use for me and you mad at me for not reading your mind that you did want to go with me, we could have been over right there. Over, Beckett."

"My decisions on my personal life…"Kate stopped right there. What she was doing had nothing to do with her personal life. This was about getting justice for Rachel McCord and her team. Luckily, Castle didn't seem to notice the slip of the tongue.

"You lied to me about not hearing me say I love you when you were shot."

"Castle, we've been over that. I'm sorry. I just had more than I could deal with. Way more. And I tried to tell you at the swings after your book signing. You must have understood what I was trying to tell you. You stayed with me."

"Sure, I thought I knew what you were saying until I heard you tell that pickpocket you remembered everything. Then I began to wonder what you meant. There's an alternate explanation of what you meant, you know."

"What? I was trying, Castle. I really was. What else could you have gotten from that?"

"You told me that you couldn't have a relationship until you found your mom's murderer. But I started thinking. Maybe what you were telling me that you might never be able to have a relationship with me. Your mom had been dead for a dozen years, Kate, and you were no closer to finding out who ordered her murder than you were on the day she died. So, I thought, maybe what you're telling me is that you probably won't ever find the guy, and you won't ever be able to have a relationship. And maybe you were telling me I shouldn't wait for you."

"I never meant that, babe. Never."

"But if you had opened up to me, told me everything, it would have saved us a lot of grief. I walked out on you and you almost died. Things were pretty close to disastrous for us, Kate."

Kate nodded. "I screwed up then. And I screwed up the DC job. I know."

"There's another thing. I told you earlier that you need me. That's only half of it. I need you, too. I feel like half of me is gone."

"I know. I know. Castle, please…"

"There was a time when about all you could do was tolerate me. You certainly didn't like me. But I went into a burning building for you. Later, I followed you into a serial killer's hideout and got into a gun battle with Hal Lockwood and his pals. I followed you then even though I was more and more convinced that Josh was your one and done."

Kate shook her head. "No. Never. No one but you, Castle."

"But I did all of that because I loved you, even if you didn't love me. Just as I love you now. I know now you pushed me away for a lot of reasons I didn't understand then." Castle grinned. "I even pushed you away a little bit."

She frowned. "You pushed me away? Why?"

"It's not easy being in love with a woman who hates you and wants to shoot you."

"I never meant a word of that. You know that."

"Even the part about hating me? Or breaking my legs if I ever called you a muse again?"

"I never hated you. I'm sorry for saying I did."

"You were very convincing. Martha would applaud your acting talents."

"Castle…"

"All I'm saying is that our lives would have been a hell of a lot less complicated if we'd talked to each other. And it still would be a lot easier. Talk to me, Kate."

Kate just looked at him, doing everything she could to keep from crying.

"I told you when I asked you to marry me that I couldn't imagine my life without you. I've had a couple of opportunities to think I would be without you. Believe me, it's worse than even I could have imagined. Tell me what's going on."

As much as Kate wanted to, she knew she couldn't. "I can't, babe. Please just trust me."

Castle sighed deeply." Okay, if that's your answer, there's nothing I can do about it. But do the same for me, then."

"What do you mean?"

"Trust me. I want to find out what's wrong because I'm not going to stand around while my marriage falls apart in front of my eyes. I'm going to find out what's wrong and I'm going to fix it. And I'll do that my own way and I won't tell you what I'm doing."

"Castle…" She began, but Rick had already walked out of her office, headed for the elevator.

Crap. She thought. Rachel and her team are dead because of a request I made. I owe them justice and I can't stand the thought of involving Castle, no matter how much it hurts. I hate this.