627. Chapter 627

After Overkill

Episode 2.23

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd get more than capillary damage if I claimed to own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above

For once breakfast at the Castle household was undisturbed by any of Lord Castle's inventions, for which both his daughter, the lovely and brilliant Lady Alexis Castle and his brainy and beautiful American born wife, Lady Katherine Castle, were most pleased. For Lord Castle's inventions had an unfortunate habit of going awry, witness the sounds of workmen righting Lord Castle's patent steam driven horseless carriage after the failure of his electric jack to stop, pushing the vehicle over on its side.

While Lord Richard Castle was renowned throughout the world and a man of vast intelligence, bravery and wit, the truth was a trifle more prosaic. While Lord Castle was widely credited with killing the man eating tigers of Ranchipur, in India, it had been Lady Alexis who had tamed the fierce beasts and turned them into vegetarians. It was widely believed that Lord Castle had defeated the infamous duelist for hire, Ernst von Perlmutter, who would, for a price, provoke a duel and then dispatch his opponent with ruthless efficiency. However, if the truth be told, he had been bested by Lady Katherine, who used her left hand, her only weapon a pen knife, and at the same time she had dictated her report to the Royal Geographic Society on her observations during her trip through the Sahara. Von Perlmutter, humiliated and unable to secure further "contracts", crossed the Atlantic and, arriving in New York, was lost to history.

Alas, the world of the late nineteenth century was not ready to credit women with skill, intelligence, courage and ability and so, all of the Castle ladies' achievements were credited to Lord Castle. While this did bother them somewhat, they reflected that as long was good was done, the world was a better place no matter who received the credit.

"Oh, dear!" Lady Katherine said, while reading the morning paper. "Richard, Lord Puthey-Foote has been murdered."

"What?" Expostulated Lord Richard. "That perfect, prodigious, if parsimonious and pretentious, perfector of pricey products, Percy Puthey-Foote has passed?" For Puthey-Foote was a far more successful inventor than Lord Castle. Why, his electric broom had made him more money than all of Lord Castle's inventions put together.

"Yes, dear." Lady Katherine said mildly. "The police are calling it a murder."

"Murder!" Lord Castle said, shocked. "Who is investigating?"

Lady Katherine checked. "It says here that Detective Inspector Thomas Dunse-Phule is on the case."

Lord Castle's ruggedly handsome face frowned. "Isn't he a cousin of some sort to Dumming?"

Dumming had been Lord Castle's valet until he had been demoted after having gotten lost on the Castle's front steps when asked to retrieve the morning paper. He had, however, secured a sinecure as the King of Ruritania, as a figurehead only, something his head was admirably suited for. In his place, Lord Castle now had a Tibetan mastiff whom he had named Dumming. Perhaps because of this slight, Dumming the dog worked many long hours in the laboratory of Ladies Alexis and Katherine doing some sort of unholy experiments on himself.

A look of firm determination formed on Lord Castle's visage. "I should assist with the police's inquiries. It is the very least that I can do as a concerned, capable, calm, considerate, cooperative citizen." He rose from the table. "I shall take Dumming and Esposito and go at once."

Esposito was a former tirailleur d'elite, or sniper, with the famed French Foreign Legion and had entered Lord Castle's service as his gentleman's gentleman after finding service in the burning wastes of the Magreb, the steaming jungles of Guiana, and the teeming cities of the Orient no longer to his taste.

Lord Castle stood and quoted the Bard. "I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. The game's afoot." He turned to Dumming. "See to our carriage, Dumming."

Dumming, not wanting to be seen publicly with someone who couldn't tell a greyhound from a Tibetan mastiff had donned a fedora, pulled low on his head and a pair of dark glasses.

Esposito came running at the thought of some action. "Aha!" He said. "And so the goddams, the rosbifs, once more must call upon we gallant French." He began singing under his breath as Lord Castle readied himself. "Aux armes, citoyens, formez vos batallions."

Dumming was busily forging Lord Castle's signature to a stack of glowing references he had prepared. He had no desire to remain with a human who went looking for deadly killers.

"Perhaps, dear, Alexis and I should go with you?"

"Nonsense, dearest. A murder scene is not the place for two delicate flowers of English womanhood such as yourselves." Lord Castle replied.

"I think it would be most educational, dear Papa." Lady Alexis said.

Lord Castle, unable to deny the women of his life a thing, agreed.

A dismal and grisly scene awaited our heroes at Lord Puthey-Foote's abode. The affable, affectionate, amiable and astute aristocrat had been hanged by his neck, but also had a sword through his heart, and a bullet through his head. In addition, Dumming scented an empty bottle of strychnine by the corpse and alerted Lady Alexis by using a form of charades. She got the answer in only thirty seconds.

"Well, Dunse-Phule." Lord Castle said bluntly, "What do you make of this?"

"Clearest case of suicide I've ever seen, your Lordship. Clear as a bell, it is." Dunse-Phule replied.

Dumming could only walk over to the detective and lift his leg on the fellow. This improved Dunse-Phule's odor immensely as it happened, although Dumming needed years of treatment and counseling from inhaling the aroma of Dunse-Phule.

"You may note, "Lady Katherine said, "that the hangman's noose was tied by someone who is left handed."

"There appears to be red hair caught on the pistol by the body. A shade darker than mine." Lady Alexis added.

"The sword is a Model 1888 French dragoon's saber. "Opined Esposito.

"And the poison bottle appears to have fingerprints on it." Finished Lady Katherine.

A gleam of intelligence appeared in Dunse-Phule's eyes. "Of course! It's Johnny Foreigner here. He's the killer." And promptly put manacles on Esposito.

Esposito expostulated angrily, returning to the language of his youth. "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir!" (Author's note: It has been a long time since high school French. I only remember the important parts.)

"Is there anyone else in the house?" Asked Lady Katherine quickly.

"Just the ladies, Your Ladyship."

"What ladies?"

"English ladies, ma'am. As such, above reproach." Dunse-Phule said, self-importantly.

"And they are?" Lady Katherine insisted.

"Lady Meredith Puthey-Foote, his wife. Then there's Miss Gina Cowell, his business partner. His, um, niece, Miss Jacinda, and his, um, other niece, Miss Serena."

Lady Alexis and Lady Katherine exchanged smiles. "We should express our condolences to them. Could you bring them here?" Said Lady Katherine.

The four women came in, very unwillingly. In addition, they looked away from Lord Castle's party.

"Excuse me, Lady Meredith, but when you divorced Richard, didn't you receive one of his matched pair of Bisley Colt revolvers. I can see it has your monogram on it. And your hair. I'm sure we'll find your finger prints on it as well."

Meredith glared at Lady Katherine, a very poor glare when one is accustomed to the vicious variety of veritably vehement and voracious glares issued on occasion by Lady Katherine. "He was cheating on me with all those busty, broad beamed, bilious bimbos, the swine. So I shot him."

Lady Alexis turned to Gina. "You must have known that marriage to Meredith would soon bankrupt Lord Puthey-Foote. Your only option was to kill him before he took your business down with him. Poison is a woman's weapon and I imagine we'll find your finger prints all over that bottle of strychnine."

"The reprehensible rotten rascally rat deserved it." Gina said.

Lady Kate turned to Jacinda. "Now that Lord Puthey-Foote was married, it wouldn't have been long before she made him get rid of his "nieces", would it? And you would have been back out on the street. But why use a French dragoon's sword?"

"Non, rien de rien, non, je ne regrette rien." Replied Jacinda coldly. (Author's note: Same, same.)

Lady Alexis turned to Miss Serena. "Luckily I take a few minutes each day to check with the Pinkerton's Detective Agency in America. You're a famous art thief, aren't you?"

Serena smiled. "It was an accident. I was just examining the da Vinci over the mantelpiece while exercising with a rope. Somehow it got caught around poor Percy's neck."

"We'll see if a jury believes that." Lady Katherine said. "I think you'll be exercising with a rope of a different sort in a short time."

"Does that mean that Johnny Foreigner here is innocent?" Asked Dunse-Phule.

"Absolutely." Replied Lord Castle.

"Blimey, Your Lordship, you've done it again. Solved the crime just like that."

Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis rolled their eyes in unison.

That night, Lord and Lady Castle relaxed in bed. "Dearest Kate, I know that I shouldn't take the credit for the work that you and Alexis do. I felt terrible when I was credited with the discovery of the Viking settlement at L'Anse aux Meadows instead of you. I was ashamed to take the credit for the work Alexis did helping that Goethals chap with that canal he's trying to build. I just hope that you get full credit for helping those two bicycle mechanics in Ohio with their flying machine, if that ever comes to anything."

Katherine kissed her husband. "All that I care about is that justice is done, and that the sum of human happiness increases. I do not care who gets the credit."

"You're a remarkable, extraordinary and tall woman, Katherine, and I love you. Always."

She giggled. "You could show me how you love me, you know."

"I thought you'd never ask."