658. Chapter 658

After Eye of the Beholder

Episode 4.05

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Owning Castle is in the eye of the beholder, and it's not my eye. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Suit yourself." Beckett said. But please suit me, if you can. She thought. It is totally unfair of me to ask you to put your whole life on hold for me, I know that and I feel awful about it. A thought suddenly entered her mind. Castle is sort of asking for permission for this. Does he want me to say no? Does he want me to admit that I want him for myself? And do I ever want him. Kate felt she had to say more to Castle. She tried to think of something to say that wouldn't end up with her falling apart and putting Castle ahead of her mother's murder. Nothing came to her.

Castle was a bit shocked when Beckett told him to go ahead with Serena. Why the hell did I even ask that? Sure, Serena's interesting. And I've met a hundred other people working with Beckett that are interesting. Finn Rourke is interesting and may even make it into a book one day, but I sure don't want to date the bastard. Now I need to say something to let Beckett know that I haven't given up on us. If I could just get up the nerve to tell Beckett again that I love her. But that damned wall of hers is still up and if I push too hard, I could bounce off of it and right out of her life.

"You know…" They both said at once.

They both smiled at each other.

"You first." They said in unison.

Castle spoke first. "Serena's an interesting person. For me as a writer, I mean. Ex-art thief turned insurance recovery specialist. I bet she has a lot of stories to tell."

Kate nodded. And I bet every one of them is a bedtime story and she's planning on getting you in bed. But Castle is telling me that his interest in her isn't romantic, which is good. At least it's good this time. But what happens if this odd relationship we have goes on and on? Castle is only human and I know he really wants what I want, a life long, loving relationship. If we keep this up, if I keep this up, he'll look for it elsewhere.

"That'll be good if you can get stories, for Nikki and Rook, from her. Right?"

"Absolutely." Castle said. "I mean it's not like Serena Kaye would ever be my muse."

Beckett breathed a sigh of relief. "Remember what I told you, Castle. I'm a one writer girl now. I'm your muse."

"Always."

Beckett felt better about everything until after her appointment with Dr. Burke. Now she sat in her car, thinking about the session with him. Am I afraid he won't wait for me, or am I afraid he will? She asked herself. I've never been in this position before. Before my mom died I had boyfriends, but nothing serious. I was too busy getting ready for my successful life as a lawyer. And then that went all to hell. All I had after that was my mom's case. Sure, I blamed Will for putting his job ahead of me, but I never would have gone with him. My mom's file, and her killer are in New York. I couldn't leave the NYPD for anything. But now I have Castle and I'm terrified he'll get tired of waiting and leave me. And I am terrified he'll stay because I'm allowing him to make a mess of his life as well. His career has suffered because of me. He could have written ten Nikki Heat books in the time he's been with me. And he has no social life except for an occasional drink or meal with me. He has to want more than that, and not just sex, either. I know he wants more than sex. She smiled to herself. Although sex with Castle would be great, I know it. But he wants what I want, someone who cares, someone to be with and make you feel better when things are bad and to share the joys of life with. Someone to share a life with. And so far, I'm not that person. Will he wait? Do I have any right to ask him to wait? She slowly shook her head. I'm afraid right and wrong aren't what I'm interested in right now. I just want Castle. As my partner for now and sometime, and I hope it's soon, it has to be soon, as my lover, my partner in life. God, but I'm selfish.

She started her car and pulled out into traffic. I have to remember all of this. I have to make every second of this up to Castle when I can. I have to put my mom's case to rest. I can't go on like this with Castle. I need him too much.

Walking out of Serena Kaye's hotel room and finding Castle pushing her up against the wall, kissing her and groping her almost caused Kate to lose it. She was a second away from knocking that satisfied smile off Serena's face when she managed to push her anger and hurt down and act professionally. She did get a great deal of pleasure from putting the cuffs on Serena as tightly as she could.

Two hours later, the pleasure was gone. Serena wasn't the killer.

"Are you mad at me?" Castle asked her, standing by her desk.

"Why should I be mad at you?"

"For kissing Serena." He said quietly. "I only did it to give you time to get out of her room in case you'd found nothing. We didn't want her to know she was a suspect."

"Then you did the right thing." Kate said as calmly as she could manage. "There's no reason I should be mad at you. I have no claim on you."

She heard Castle chuckle. "You don't? Then you haven't been paying attention the last three years, Detective Beckett."

Before she could reply, or even think of some reply that wouldn't have her dragging Castle off to somewhere more private, Ryan came in with some information and they got back to work on the case.

She felt that the least she could do was more than buying Castle a burger at Remy's after he had gotten hit with a bill for destroying that piece of artwork to find the Fist of Capitalism, but that was all she had managed to force herself to do.

"Good burger." Castle said. "I'll have to eat here more often unless my lawyers can talk the art museum out billing me for the "intentional destruction of a valuable piece of art." Maybe I can buy a bunch of TVs and supply a replacement art work."

"So, does this mean no more meals a Manhattan's trendiest and finest restaurants?" Beckett cringed as soon as she said that. Here I am reminding him of what he's missing out on by being my partner.

"I guess not. It'll probably be good for my wallet and my health." Castle teased.

"I'm sorry." She blurted out.

Castle frowned, and looked over at her. "Why? It's not like you put a gun to my head and forced me to kick a hole in the damned thing."

"No." Kate said, wishing she hadn't said anything. She looked at Castle who was clearly waiting for more. "I've interfered with your work as an author, I've interfered with your life in general. If you weren't with me, you never would kicked in that art piece. I feel responsible."

"You're not, Beckett. I'm here of my own free will and I'm staying of my own free will."

Kate felt better. "I wish the wall wasn't there. I wish it wasn't there. I wish I were different."

"Someone made you that way, the man who ordered your mom's death. But, don't worry. We'll find a way to get that wall down.

They both sat there, remembering the secrets they were withholding from the other.