683. Chapter 683

After The Final Frontier

Episode 5.06

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: The Force is weak in this one. Castle he owns not. Rating: Time: See above.

"Lexbacca! It's our old ship. We've finally found the Aluminum Corvair."

Lexbacca nodded. "Quite correct, Grams Solo. We should leave at once as the Wurst Order is attacking this planet."

But, as Lex and Grams are boarding the Aluminum Corvair they find a pair of intruders aboard. "Halt three times." Screams Lexbacca before shooting at the pair, fortunately missing them.

"Why did you do that?" Cried the woman.

"Grams Solo always told me to yell halt three times before I shot at anyone."

"Let me handle this one, kiddo." Grams turned to the pair. "Who are you and what are you doing on my ship?"

"I'm Kate Reykett and this is a former member of the Wurst Order, Finn Castle. We're trying to escape from the hordes of ruthless killers out there."

"Finn? You used to be with the Wurst Order?" Grams said, her hand moving towards her pistol.

Finn nodded and began babbling. "Welcome to Wurst Order. How may I help you? Our special today is bratwurst on rye. Would you like fries with that?"

"See?" Kate said. "I've been feeding Finn wholesome, vegan food, but he's been so brainwashed by that purveyor of artery clogging pseudo food that he still babbles their slogans. But I swear that we small business beings using only locally grown, fair trade products will one day banish the Wurst Order from the galaxy with the help of the Force."

"Don't get cocky, kid." Grams said. "There's something to be said for a good cheeseburger."

Having heard that word, Finn immediately broke into song and dance.

"Cheeseburger in paradise,

"Heaven on Earth with an onion slice,"

"Quiet, Finn. "Kate said softly.

Before any further discussion of the merits of cheeseburgers could be made, a group of ruffians appeared in the Aluminum Corvair. "So, we meet at last, Grams Solo."

Solo's eyes narrowed. "Colonel Demming. Colonel "Southern Fried" Demming. Well, shut my mouth."

"Glad to oblige." But alas, Grams shot first, turning the Colonel into small bits of breaded chicken. Demming's goons fled, squawking. They were, indeed, chicken.

"They're poultry in motion." Lexbacca said.

"I see my distraction worked perfectly." Cold voice said from behind Grams.

Grams turned slowly to face her foe. "Ren." She smiled.

"Dammit, it's Ron, not Ren. Can't you get my name right?"

"It makes no difference. You're still a clown."

"Bold words for a fat, old woman." Said Ron.

But, while Ron was watching Grams' gun hand, he failed to notice Kate, who quickly produced a small plastic toy from a paper bag and jammed it down Ron's throat.

"Wow. Talk about your karma." Grams said as Ron, or Ren, expired.

"One karmagurger coming right up. Would you like a side of nirvana with that?" Finn said.

"We need to flee." Lexbacca said.

"I'll drive." Said Kate.

"What?" Grams Solo said. "Can you even drive a stick shift?"

"You have no idea what I can do with a….stick." Kate said, ending with a saucy grin.

Kate quickly sat at the control panel. She confidently worked her way through the take off checklist until she came to one particular control. "Oh my god! You have an eight track tape player in this thing." She quickly checked the tapes. "Disco hits? Don't you have anything modern?"

"Those are classics." Grams muttered.

At the word classics, Finn began singing.

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce,

"Special orders don't upset us."

"Down boy." Kate said testily.

When Kate went to light speed, she discovered that the eight track automatically went on. Full blast.

"It's fun to stay at the YMCA,

"It's fun to stay at the YMCA."

Kate noticed that Finn was dancing along with Gram and Lexbacca and making the letters with his arms. Perhaps he isn't so bad after all. I imagine I can push him away and then say or do something to show that I like him for four or five years and then see what happens. Kate felt much better.

There was a ringing noise. Kate checked the control panel. Everything was green. "What is it?"

"Just my phone. I'm old school, so I use a telephone ring." Grams said. "I'll put it on the view screen."

"There you are." Said a haughty looking redhead on the screen. "I've been trying to reach you for hours and hours. I'm on the Planet Rodeo and they say my VISA card has maxed out."

"VISA card?" Kate asked.

"Vicious Imperial Sadistic Assassins." The redhead snarled. "And who are you, taking my mate's place as captain of the Aluminum Corvair?"

"I'm just the new stewardess." Kate improvised. "Just learning everything I can."

"They prefer to be called flight attendants." Finn said clearly.

"I'll have our 'droid RGi Dna pay off the old balance so you can start anew." Grams said tiredly. The woman broke the connection.

"Spouse?" Kate asked, smiling.

"She had the operation. It's not my fault she likes her old wardrobe." She turned to Lexbacca. "What were we smuggling when we lost the ship?"

"A billion DVDs of that Josh Whedon western, spacey thing."

"Spacey?" Asked Kate. "That political thing? That should be worth billions. We can crowd source small mom and pop stores all over the galaxy and put MochaBucks and their ilk out of business. The Wurst Order will be no more."

"No, it's that strange outer space thing that ran for about twelve minutes. It does have a cult following but they all have copies of the show's DVDs and they just sit around reading and writing fan fiction anyway."

Finn Castle began crying for some reason. "Twelve minutes?" He moaned.

"Maybe we could put a sticker on the DVDs saying "Director's cut" or something?" Finn asked.

"No one would believe that." Kate snapped.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch….

Oops. Wrong story.

Meanwhile back at the Wurst Order's secret lair, cleverly disguised as a heavily armed planet, evil Kylo O'Ren kneels before the leader of the Wurst Order. He's dressed all in black so that you can tell at once that he's evil. If someone truly evil wanted people to think he was just some harmless fool, he'd dress in bib overalls, a Bull Durham chewing tobacco tee shirt and a John Deere cap, and he'd be called Bubba and speak with a thick southern accent. But luckily evil people don't think that way. Not in the movies, anyway.

"Have you found them?" Demanded the Imperious Leader.

"No, sir."

"Scour the galaxy for them. They must be destroyed. Where are they? Are you following them?"

Kylo O'Ren nodded. "My chief henchman, BRO, is after them as we speak."

Alas, Grams Solo was too smart for BRO and she backtracked to the Wurst Order's secret lair. Somewhat helped by the signs on everything from gas giants to tiny asteroids, saying Wurst Order, twenty parsecs ahead. Food and fuel. (Note the correct use of the word parsec, a measurement of distance, not of time.)

"Speaking of ass-teroids," Finn said to Kate, "yours is spectacular. And perfect."

Kate blushed.

"Why don't we forget about blowing up the Wurst Orders headquarters and put them out of business by franchising a chain of gourmet cheeseburger restaurants?"

"What'll we call it?"

Finn thought for a second. "Always."