783. Chapter 783

After Love Me Dead

Episode 2.09

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I didn't come to this town in an ancient blue beetle, but I don't own Castle. Rating: K+ Time: See above.

Heat for Sale

By

Richard Castle

Ruggedly handsome investigative reporter Jameson Rook sat in the Purple Pimpmobile, dressed in his ankle length, shaved mink coat, (And teaching a mink to shave had been no easy task,) and adjusted the broad brim of his Borsalino fedora. He looked fondly at the woman sitting next to him, the love of his life and wife, Captain Nikki Heat of the NYPD. Nikki was wearing a skin tight Lycra miniskirt that accented her long, gorgeous legs, four inch hooker heels and a skin tight wet tee shirt that said "Kinki", the street name she'd adopted for their undercover gig. As Nikki inhaled, Rook was afraid that the tee shirt would rip from the strain of Nikki's 44DD braless boobs. But, much to the dismay of the line of men standing outside of Rook's car, waving hundred dollar bills, and salivating, it did not.

Rook turned down the DVD of Hard Out Here for a Pimp and opened the window a crack. "I've told you idiots before, a hundred won't even get a smile from Kinki, let alone anything else. Now move along or do I have to have my enforcer move you along?" He gestured behind him to where a gaudily painted M1 Abrams tank was parked, its main gun moving slowly to cover the crowd of men who quickly disappeared.

"And to think I used to carry around a wimpy .44 Magnum." Rook said.

Nikki smiled and inhaled deeply, causing Rook to pass out momentarily. "I've always had no trouble with my 44s." She whispered in a sultry voice.

"Oh bla mu dif wut koft gaaa." Rook said, his mind too overwhelmed by the sight of Nikki's boobs to form coherent words.

"Pardon?" Nikki teased.

Using the facilities in his specially adapted Pimpmobile to quickly give himself an icy cold shower, Rook regained the power of speech. Then he remembered what Nikki did with ice cubes and curled up in the fetal position and moaned. Nikki however was able to revive him, but not in a manner that can be described unless the story is rated XXX.

"We have to remember why we're here, Rook. A new pimp is taking over all of the girls in New York. We're now right in the middle of the territory he's just taken over from the Irish mob. Sooner or later, he'll show up or send an enforcer to make me part of his stable."

"Dammit!" Rook muttered. "Some school crossing guard is headed this way. He might scare our perp away."

Nikki leaned over Rook, causing his blood pressure to momentarily spike to 250/150. "He won't scare anyone. That's Schlemming. What's he doing here?"

Schlemming stood by the car. "Move along, pal. But leave the lady here. She works for the boss, now."

"You think so?" Nikki said, inhaling very deeply. Regrettably, Schlemming became so catatonic that they were unable to read him his Miranda rights for seven years, by which time the statute of limitations had passed.

As Schlemming stood there, a leather clad figure rode up on a Vespa. It was Doc Davidson, leader of the feared Hell's Cardiologists. "The boss is going to have to wait for you, Sweetie. I want you for myself. Out of the car now."

Nikki obeyed, but dropped her purse as she walked to Doc. She bent over to pick it up, showing Doc her absolutely perfect ass. She was then able to tie him to his Vespa with his tongue as he sat there sobbing, "Show it to me again. It really is perfect."

Then a Rolls-Royce with tinted windows stopped next to Rook's Pimpmobile. A stern, square jawed man got out and making sure his conservative blue suit and striped tie were perfect, walked over to Nikki. He smiled and said, "I surrender, Captain Heat. I'll testify to anything you want. The boss was actually the one to shoot President Lincoln. He didn't bury Jimmy Hoffa, he made him the manager of the Chicago Cubs, which explains a lot. He got Justin Bieber a record contract. The man is evil personified."

"Just tell me where the boss is." Nikki said.

"In the back of the car."

Nikki and Rook got out and approached the Rolls. Nikki opened the back door and got surprise. "Dr. Merleputter? You're the boss?"

"I had to do something. Even the corpses in the morgue wouldn't put out for me."

"Castle!" Kate said sharply. "What is this?"

"Um, I was looking over some of the old case files and I thought the murder of Jack Buckley by Scarlet Price and John Knox would make a great…"

Kate cut him off. "No! Absolutely not. You will not portray Nikki as anything resembling a hooker, do you understand me?"

"And if I refuse?"

Kate grabbed the laptop and began to write.

Nookie from Rookie

By

Kate Beckett Castle

Captain Nikki Heat sat in her Rolls-Royce Phantom, looking bewitching in her hand made Italian silk dress that showed off just a bit of her gorgeous legs. She adjusted her Borsalino fedora to a slightly more rakish angle and looked over at the love of her life, roguishly handsome reporter and husband, Jameson Rook. Rook's long, hairy legs were on display as he was wearing huarache surfer sandals and skin tight bell bottomed lederhosen with gold lame suspenders. His manly chest was covered by a beaded leather vest with the words, "Come and Get It" embroidered on the front and back.

"Now remember, Rook, this new pimp has taken over all of the male hookers in New York, so when he hears about us, he'll send one of his enforcers to chase me off and grab you for his stable."

"Stable?" Rook whined. "Will I have to sleep with animals?"

"No, Rook, lover, stable in this case means…." Nikki was cut off when someone rapped on the window of her car. "Yes, old lady, can I assist you?"

The obese redhead looked at Rook. "Would you be willing to sell your dog to me? Ever since I left LA, I haven't been able to make friends."

"He's not a dog." Nikki explained. "That's just his legs."

"Are you sure he's not a Tibetan mastiff?"

Nikki shook her head. "No, that's an entirely different AU fanfic." (Shameless plug, right?)

As the old lady moved off, they were approached by a disabled blonde whose knees were grossly deformed. The blonde took out a squeegee and a water bottle and began to wash the Rolls' spotless windshield.

Nikki held out a twenty dollar bill. "Here. There's no need for you to do that. What happened to your knees? Arthritis?"

"No." said the blonde. "Those are my breast implants down there. I hope yours weren't done by a Doctor Blaine. The woman's a quack."

"Mine are entirely natural." Nikki said proudly.

Remembering how he loved to run barefoot through Nikki's boobs, Rook began salivating heavily.

Once Nikki had cleaned Rook up she saw another blonde approaching from a parked Yugo. This one wore a tee shirt that read, "Coffee, tea or me?"

"Out of the car, bitch." Said the blonde. "Although I've been frigid all of my life, I'm going to ride that stud like I was at the Calgary Stampede."

Nikki laughed and struck the blonde with her left boob, knocking her unconscious. Nikki walked over and threw open the Yugo's door. She was shocked at who was in back. "Captain Gates?"

"I can't help it, Heat, I'm mad for Rook. Let me have him for a night. In my years in IA I got all the dirt on the bigwigs in the NYPD and elsewhere. Give him to me and you can have it all. Then you can become Chief Heat, Governor Heat, Senator Heat or even President Nikki Heat."

"That's an interesting offer…."

"No!" Castle screamed. "Not Rook and Gates. The thought is…."

"As bad as turning Nikki into some bimbo?" Kate finished for him.

"Exactly." Castle conceded.

"Then perhaps we could collaborate on one of our other cases? How about the one where you slept with that slutty actress who only wanted the part of Nikki Heat in the movie?"

"Maybe we could do a better one?" Rick suggested.

Kate shrugged. "Any ideas?"

"I always have ideas."