817. Chapter 817

After Law and Murder

Episode 3.19

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Castle….The final frontier, but I don't own it. Rating: K Time: See above.

These are the voyages of the Starship Caskett, whose eight year mission is to keep Captain Kate-Luc Beckett apart from Number One and Done.

"Number One, will you come to my ready room, please?" Captain Kate-Luc Beckett said. "We should look at the exploration board."

"Certainly, Captain. I'm of the opinion that there's a planet full of zombie spies out there."

Captain Kate-Luc rolled her eyes, but walked into her ready room, followed closely by Number One.

Once they were both in the ready room, Kate-Luc smiled at the ruggedly handsome Number One. "Number One, you've been on my ship for four years now and have refused any and all promotions that would cause you to leave the ship. I'd like to know the reason why."

He moved closer to her. "Kate-Luc, I want you to know…."

Before he could get the rest out, there was a loud knocking on the door and a man in a yellow uniform top rushed in. "Captain, you have to come see this."

"Do I, Chief O'Ryan? Can't it wait?" She said coldly. "Until, say, Christmas?"

"But it's March." Chief O'Ryan said, puzzled.

Captain Kate-Luc glared at him, but finding that that did no good, she followed him back onto the bridge.

"Look, Captain." O'Ryan said. "Two black holes are about to smash into that wormhole. This could be catastrophic for all planets within ten parsecs."

"It also looks kind of pornographic." Number One suggested.

Kate-Luc glared at all concerned. "We'll close the wormhole with proton torpedoes. Ms. Warped?"

"Yes, Captain?" The bouncy redhead said.

"Fire a spread of proton torpedoes at the wormhole. We have to close it."

"We don't have the power to do so. " Ms. Warped said. "I used up all of our normal and emergency power making deep fried Twinkies."

Kate-Luc nodded and hit her comm badge. "Engineering! I need more power."

"I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but I must have more dilithium crystals."

"Scotsposito, I need power NOW!" She yelled.

"I cannae do it, Captain."

Captain Kate-Luc Beckett squared her shoulders. "I didn't want to do this as it'll probably void our warranty, but there's only one thing we can do."

"What's that?" Number One asked, breathlessly.

"Aim the deflector shield at the wormhole and flush all of the toilets on the ship at once. Make it so."

As planned by Captain Kate-Luc, the procedure did work, although the manufacturer did void their warranty.

"Number One, will you go to my ready room with me?" She said, smiling at him.

Before they could move, the ship's doctor ran onto the bridge. "Captain Beckett. I need your help."

"What is it Dr. Crushed?" The Captain said coldly.

"I ordered a new Harley-Davidson interstellar ambulance with seventeen coats of candy apple red paint and those little gold flecks, with sissy bars, with a raked front end and…."

"What is it?" The Captain demanded.

"Supply said I can't get it until stardate 666 and it's only stardate 3.1416 now."

Captain Kate-Luc shook her head. "Anyone who's been in any military organization knows you can't get anything from supply when you need it. You'll just have to wait until stardate 666."

Dr. Crushed began trying to count on his fingers, but lost track of where he was and began to cry. "When is stardate 666?" He asked through his tears.

"Next Tuesday." Captain Kate-Luc and Number One said together.

As Dr. Crushed walked dejectedly to the turbolift, Dr. "Boobs" McCoy nodded at him. "It's life, but not as we know it, Jim."

"Who the hell is this Jim, for God's Sake, Boobs?" Kate-Luc demanded. "We don't have any Jims on the ship!"

"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a telephone directory!" With that, Boobs stormed off.

As Boobs left, she passed a slender, loudly dressed older redheaded woman headed for the Captain. "Ship's Counselor Toy, what do you want?"

"Captain, I'm afraid Alexis One has a problem."

"My daughter has a problem?" Number One said. "How do you know? Those strange feelings you get?"

"No, Alexis has grabbed onto my leg, is sucking her thumb, has assumed the fetal position and is crying."

And, sure enough, there was Alexis, attached to Counselor Toy's leg. She was mumbling something.

"What is it?" Number One demanded.

"It's cry talk." Said Captain Kate-Luc. "Every female ship's captain can decipher it." The Captain listened to Alexis' mumbling. "She says all the songs make sense. She's in love."

"What? Without telling me? With whom?"

Captain Kate-Luc bent over and listened to Alexis. "Ah. She's in love with the new ensign. Wesley Pi R. Squared."

Number One nodded solemnly. "I'll be in Personnel, drawing up orders to send that young fellow to the Zeta Quadrant."

But before he took so much as one step, he was stopped by Recruit Tom Information. "Excuse me, Captain Kate-Luc, but my brain was stolen by some bitch and her three accomplices. The one covered in straw grabbed my brain and they all ran off down some kind of yellow brick road."

Kate-Luc sighed. "Information, you never had a brain. You're our new vacuum cleaner."

Information looked thoughtful. Well, as thoughtful as anyone with no brain ever looks. "No wonder none of the dogs like me."

As if on cue, Commander Geordie Montgomery came out of the turbolift with his guide dog, Gina. As soon as Gina saw Information, she began running madly around the bridge, dragging Geordie with her. By the time they had gotten Information off the bridge, and stopped Gina from humping Number One's leg, Geordie Montgomery had forgotten why he came to the bridge.

Captain Kate-Luc looked at Number One with lust in her eyes. "Come to my ready room now, Number One. And no one is to disturb us, capsisce?"

But it was too late. No sooner had she gotten the last word out than there was a hum of a transporter beam and a twinkling of lights. A visitor had arrived. He was a tall, rangy white haired older man.

"Captain Kate-Luc Beckett? I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk."

Number One laughed. "That sounds like a made up name."

The man smiled. "It is. But I have something to tell you, Captain."

"What is it?"

"Luc, I am your father."

"No, you're not. Dad is in Ten Forward getting sozzled with Guinan Sorenson. I know, I had a DNA test done in the hopes I could get rid of the old souse."

"Oh. Is there another Luc on board?"

"I think there's one at Deep Space Precinct 12. I think her name is Luc Karpowski. But it's been a while."

"Sorry for the interruption." And Captain Kirk was gone in a twinkling of lights.

Captain Beckett took a quick look around. "Now will you come to the ready room, because I am ready."

Sadly, the ships computer began ringing alarm bells. "Red alert! Red alert!"

"What now?" Screamed Captain Beckett.

"We have a signal from the lost expedition to Altair IV. It's the Bellepheron.

"Well, if they're lost, then they're lost. If we've found them they're not lost. So why should we bother with them?"

"The Prime Directive, Captain. The United Federation of Planets exists solely to keep you and Number One apart."

"And you called me paranoid." Kate-Luc growled to Number One. "All right, I want an away team. Everyone go put on your red shirts and go down and rescue the lost expedition. Now, people. There's not a second to lose."

In minutes, the ship was empty of all but Captain Kate-Luc Beckett and Number One.

"My ready room?" She said softly.

"Always."

Once locked inside the ready room, Number One smiled at Kate-Luc. "What do you want?"

"You. I just want you."