871. Chapter 871

After Dreamworld

Episode 6.02

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I dream, you dream, we all dream of Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

DC Heat

By

Richard Castle

Ruggedly handsome, Pulitzer Prize winning reporter Jameson Rook softly stroked the hand of the love of his life, Special Agent Nikki Heat. "Don't worry, my love. We'll find he rascal who dosed you with a poison that gave you that infected hang nail. When I do," Rook looked quickly around at the Federal agents surrounding him, and changed what he was saying. "I mean, when we find the rascal he'll rue the day he ever heard of you. Then you can leave this temporary job with the Feds and return to your job as Captain of the 20th Precinct."

Nikki looked down at her hand and stifled a sob. "But, Rook, how will I handle the paperwork at the precinct if I have a bad hand? And worse, I don't know if I can do the ice cube trick you like so much left handed."

Rook noticed that the male agents were all salivating at the thought of the famous Nikki Heat ice cube trick. "Nikki, your ice cube trick, even left handed, is better than any other woman's with both hands."

Hearing that, Rachel Cordless, Nikki's partner, ran for the ladies room so that no one would see the tears that she was about to shed. She had spent months with random men trying to perfect the two handed ice cube trick in hopes that she could someday demonstrate it to Jameson Rook. That dream was now over.

Nikki just sighed. Of course Rachel is in love with Rook. What woman isn't? But he's mine and if that bitch ever comes near him with anything colder than a blow torch, I'll hit her so hard she'll spend the rest of her life in the hospital with some gimp doctor. She thought.

"We have something." Said some nerdy fed that Rook hadn't bothered to learn the name of. "Rook suggested we look for any government records concerning a fiendish poison that results in an infected hang nail. So, I Googled "fiendish poisons that result in an infected hang nail" and I got a hit on government contractor called The Fiendish Poison That Results in an Infected Hang Nail Corporation, Inc."

"I never would have thought of that!" Cried Special Agent Vigilante.

Rook nodded. Of course a government bureaucrat would never have thought of something before ruggedly handsome, two time Pulitzer Prize winning reporter Jameson Rook.

"And there's more." Said the nameless nerd. "The corporation is registered in Elbonia, which is notorious for the secrecy of its banking and corporate laws, but I've found that the company is owned by a young, fruitarian mad scientist named Poo."

"I had a Winnie the Pooh once." Nikki said dreamily. "He was a wonderful little bear."

"Not that kind of Pooh, my love. But poo as in poop."

"Ew! Gross out." Nikki said.

"And, I happen to know that this Poo is a second cousin to Secretary of Agriculture Weed. Who knows what could happen if this ghastly poison should contaminate the food supply." Rook stood up and flexed his mighty muscles. Several dozen woman had slipped in to the office in hopes of seeing rook do just that. They gave him a standing ovation which Rook modestly acknowledged while assuring Nikki that his heart belonged to her alone. Even if she was reduced to a left handed ice cube trick.

"I shall confront Secretary Weed and force him to confess with my legendary interrogative skills."

Kate leaned over and kissed her husband softly on the cheek. "Castle, why are you writing about this now? That case was over a long time ago."

Castle frowned. "Reed's political star is on the rise again. Just our luck, Bracken and Reed couldn't stand each other. Once Bracken went to prison, a lot of the political dirty tricks he pulled on Reed came out and made him look like a hero. Which he most certainly is not."

Kate nuzzled against Rick's cheek. "Did you perhaps notice that Nikki, the cop, isn't doing anything so far except look up in awe at Rook, giving him worshipful gazes?"

"I never wrote anything like that." Rick stoutly defended himself.

"It was subtext, babe. Can I try?"

DC Heat

By

Katherine Beckett-Castle

Special Agent Nikki Heat approached the office of Secretary of Agriculture Wally Weed. As soon as she entered the office, her eyes began burning from the smoke that filled the office. It was smoke from a substance that Nikki knew was still illegal in most states. She knew this, of course, from her experience in law enforcement and definitely not during her wild child days. "Secretary Weed?" She said, trying not to inhale as other Americans had done in the past.

"Far freaking out. How it is, sweet thang?"

"I'm here to ask you about a secret government project called Dream Land. What can you tell me about it?"

"Nada, Babycakes. Sit and have a toke with me?"

Nikki had to nearly push her way through the smoke it was so thick. She finally saw Secretary Weed smoking a hand rolled cigarette some two feet long. "Are we going to play that game where you deny something that we both know is true?"

Weed inhaled and held his breath for a good two minutes. Finally he exhaled. "What was the question again, Hot Mama?"

"I want to know about a secret Department of Agriculture project called Dream Land. My husband, Jameson Rook has in infected hangnail which will impair his ability to write his Pulitzer Prize winning stories. I believe that Dream Land is related to his condition."

"There's no such thing."

"Do you expect me to believe there's no such place as Dream Land?" Nikki said, fixing her second best glare on Weed. Considering that Rook was involved, she would have preferred to use her number one glare, but the North Koreans had claimed that such a glare was a weapon of mass destruction and should be banned. The UN was still debating the matter.

"No, I mean like, there is a Dream Land, but it isn't secret. It's in Colorado." Weed suddenly broke into a chorus of Rocky Mountain High, followed by the stoner favorite The Free Mexican Air Force.

Nikki's finely tuned senses told her she would get no more out of Weed, especially as he was now standing on his desk, flapping his arms and announcing that he could fly. Nikki stayed around long enough to note that he could not, in fact, fly and left.

Exiting the Department of Agriculture building, Nikki felt something hard shoved into her back. Her excellent tactile senses told her it was not the barrel of a gun, but the result of a cheap boob job. She whirled and grabbed an artificially enhanced blonde that she knew. "Jacinda! What are you doing here?"

"My boyfriend, Charles Bronson, has disappeared. Before he left he said it had something to do with Richard Wagner."

"But he's dead." Nikki exclaimed.

"What!" Jacinda wailed. "Charley can't be dead, I just learned how to do the ice cube thing with my boobs." And Jacinda ran off before Nikki could explain that it was Wagner that was dead, not Bronson. Although as a huge fan of the Magnificent Seven. She knew that the actor Charles Bronson was dead. As a fan, she even knew all of the actors who played the Magnificent Seven, even the guy no one remembered.

Nikki sighed. She now had to find this mysterious Poo.

That turned out to be easier than she had expected. It turned out that Poo was living with Alexandra, the second cousin of Rook's stepsister by marriage's ex-college roommate's best friend. Deciding that she could deal with the North Koreans in her spare time, Nikki unleashed her very best glare at Poo who promptly confessed to every unsolved crime in the US going back to the St. Valentine's Day massacre.

Thinking that maybe the North Koreans had something after all, Nikki carefully led Poo to confess his true crime.

"Weedy and I TP'd the house of the Commissioner of the Federal Communications Commission because he wouldn't do anything about the cancellation of our favorite program, a show about this really hot cop and the writer dude. We used one of the DA helicopters and rigged it to play the music from that movie, Popsicles Now. But the FCC dude freaked and called the cops. We figured that an outbreak of infected hangnails would focus attention elsewhere and we wouldn't get in trouble."

Weed, Poo and the missing Charles Bronson all ended up wearing orange vests and picking up litter along the highways and byways of America.

When asked why he had fled, Bronson asked," Do you have any idea how cold silicon gets if your chick tries the ice cube trick using her fake boobs?"

Rick read Kate's story with interest. "Maybe we should let things be."

"And I'll get the ice cubes." Kate said, smiling.