901. Chapter 901

After Last Action Hero

Episode 7.09

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, but Ah'll be bahck. Rating: K Time: See above

Heroic Heat

By

Richard Castle

The conversation in the sleazy bar in the middle of nowhere stopped at once as the beautiful woman walked in. It wasn't just that she was incredibly beautiful from her four inch heels, her endless legs, to her perfect ass, her narrow waist and then to her flat, toned, six pack abs, and up to her perky boobs and then to her hazel eyes and ending with her swirling mass of chestnut hair. It was more than mere beauty, more than physical perfection. The woman gave off an air of lethal competence.

She strode to the bar and as she did so, the killers and the spoilers got out of her way, pronto. The barmaid approached her nervously, winding her peroxide blonde hair around a finger. "Yes, ma'am? What can we do for you?"

The woman looked the barmaid up and down. She decided that this woman was no threat to her, or to anyone else. Well, there was a detective back in New York that the blonde could have handled easily, but then again, that detective had never been handled by a woman.

"Scotch." The beautiful, lethal woman said. "Laphroaig, the forty year old Laphroaig. I know you keep several bottles here."

The bleached blonde blanched and babbled, "That Scotch is reserved for…"

"Me." She casually crushed a bowling hall between her thumb and index finger.

"For you.' The blonde put the bottle down on the bar and then passed out from the stress, not to mention losing her favorite bowling ball and sex toy.

The beautiful woman turned to face the bar patrons. "My name is Nikki Heat and I need to go up river."

The crowd gasped.

"Up river! Madre de Dios!"

"Up river? Blimey, mate."

"Up river? Sacre bleu!"

"Up river? Ach du lieber."

"Sweetie, none of these men will take you up the river." Said a sassy, curvaceous, dark skinned beauty. "There are rapids, waterfalls, headhunters, piranhas and several grumpy cats up the river. There's only one man crazy enough to take you up the river." She pointed to what appeared to be a pile of dirty laundry on the floor beside her. Then the pile began to snore.

"Him?" Nikki asked. "Really?"

"Really, or my name isn't Lauren Parry. Jameson Rook may be a washed up drunk, but he's the only one crazy enough and savvy enough to get us up the river."

"Us?" Nikki asked, raising a perfect eyebrow.

"I own the boat, Sweetie."

"I think you will not go up the river, gringa." Said a rough, male voice.

"And who are you?" Nikki asked coldly. "And how do you propose to stop me?"

The man pulled out a dirty scalpel." I will carve you up like the turkey that you Yanqui Imperielsmos have twice a year. As I have one waiting for me in mi casa."

"For lunch?" Nikki asked.

"Lunch? She is the love of my life."

Nikki sighed, and bowed to the man as she had been taught in the temple of Shao Lin. She remembered what her Perfect Master, Master Pi had said. "Never give a sucker an even break, Praying Mantis." He had said, using his favorite nickname for Nikki. "This Asian martial arts is one thing, but western martial arts beats it hands down."

Nodding in appreciation of Master Pi's wisdom, Nikki called down an armed drone that grabbed the miscreant and dumped him in the river where the piranhas were the thickest and hungriest.

She recalled the rest of Master Pi's words of wisdom. "And then have a nice, juicy papaya steak."

Nikki wrinkled her nose and took the bottle of Scotch with her.

Nikki walked to the door of the cantina, wiggling her perfect ass as she did. Then she looked over her shoulder and whispered, "Coming, Rook?"

Rook got up and staggered after Nikki as did every person in the cantina. Luckily, Lauren Parry had a whip and was able to keep everyone but Rook at a distance.

Once on the boat and headed upstream, Nikki looked over both Rook and Parry. "Lauren, you're wearing skimpy shorts, a halter top and carrying a whip. I can see by your outfit that you are an archeologist."

Lauren shook her head. "I'm a dominatrix. Some of my customers have this weird Indiana Jones fetish, but it pays the bills."

Nikki then looked at Rook. "What's your story, Rook?"

Rook mumbled something about a muse.

"A muse?" Nikki asked. "Or is it amuse? One word or two?"

"Neither." Rook snapped, but said no more.

Nikki looked at Lauren for an answer.

"Not a muse. A moose. He wrote a novel that was a scathing indictment of todays, crass, materialistic, money grubbing society as seen through the eyes of an anthropomorphic squirrel and moose. He was devastated when it was panned by the critics as derivative. The only people who ever bought his book, Infinite Laughter, were his mother and some of her friends. It broke him."

Nikki nodded. She wondered idly what it would be like to lose at something, but gave it up as that would never happen to her.

With the help of Nikki and Lauren, Rook drove the boat up foaming, rock strewn rapids and massive waterfalls, through tangled swamps and past the camps of slavers and headhunters.

Then they came to a huge tree that blocked all passage further up the river. On the river bank was a well dressed man, smiling at them. "Welcome, my friends, you will either have to give me half of all that you own to add to my considerable wealth, or you'll have to beat me in a game of skill before I can let you pass. The game is roshambo, to be exact. Which will it be?"

"You're Ivan the Vain, aren't you?" Lauren Parry asked. "Well, as it happens we have the only man who's ever beaten you oat roshambo, Jameson Rook."

Ivan looked at the dirty, unshaven, hung over Rook and laughed. "Him? He couldn't beat me now."

Rook began to cry. "He's right. I'm no good to anyone now. Someone else will have to play."

Nikki decided that in order for Rook to get back his self respect, he'd have to beat Ivan at roshambo. "You'll have to do it, Rook. I, um, have a cramp in my hand. All I can make is a rock."

Rook looked at Nikki and then at Ivan. A small spark that had almost died in him sprung to life. He strode to Ivan. As Ivan laughed, Rook pulled out his Glock and shot him.

"You didn't study under Master Pi by any chance, did you?" Nikki asked.

Rook's stomach churned. "You're not going to make me eat papaya steaks, are you? I hate them."

"Of course not." Nikki assured him.

At last they came to the lair of El Jefe, the ruthless drug lord that Nikki had been sent to find and bring back. But standing on the river bank awaiting them was El Jefe's private army, armed to the teeth with weapons purchased with drug money.

As Nikki stepped ashore, a vicious looking man known only as El Bobby stepped forward. His eyes locked with Nikki's and after a moment, he stepped out of her way. Rook and Lauren followed Nikki through the crowd.

Finally they faced El jefe…..herself?

"El Jefe, you must come with me." Nikki said.

"Really, Aunt Nikki?"

"Aunt Nikki?" Rook and Parry said.

"Yes," Nikki said, blushing slightly, "this is my niece, Alexandra." She turned back to Alexandra. "What you're doing here is wrong and illegal, Alexandra."

"No, it isn't, Aunt Nikki. We're growing medical marijuana, which is legal here and sending it back to the US to hospitals. See, I have all the proper, prescribed paperwork all prepared."

"Well, that's all well and good, but summer vacation is over and your mother wants you to come home now."

Alexandra sighed. "Bummer. I mean, high school?"

"Yes, high school, young lady." Nikki said

And so Nikki and Rook began the long, romantic trek back down the river.

Kate tried to stop laughing as she read the story, but couldn't. "Nikki as an action hero and Rook as a …drunk? I don't believe it."

"I still feel so bad about leaving you at the altar that I had to do something. I owe you so much for not giving up on me, I had to do something. This is something."

Kate laughed and then kissed him. "I think I should do something, too." She got up from his desk and walked to their bedroom. "Coming, Castle?"