911. Chapter 911

After Habeas Corpse

Episode 7.19

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is that I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

The very busty blonde in the very low cut top leaned over Rick and Kate's table at Remy's. "Aren't you the author Richard Castle?" She said in a low, sultry voice.

Rick took a quick look at his wife who looked like she was about to commit a felony and smiled. "I'm sorry, I no longer sign…"

The woman slapped a piece of paper into his hand. "You've been served."

"What?" Rick said.

"You've been served. With a subpoena. Have a nice day." With that, she walked off.

Rick read the document, muttering to himself.

"What is it, babe?" Kate asked, becoming slightly worried.

"It's Meredith. She's saying the division of our assets when we divorced was unfair. She says I owe her….two million dollars!" The last three words were shrieked and attracted the attention of half of Remy's.

"Can she do that?" Kate asked.

Rick shrugged. "Sure. You know that you can sue anyone for anything, but winning is another matter."

They ate their lunch in silence and headed back to the precinct. Stopped by a stoplight, they stood on the sidewalk. A stranger walked up to Rick, smiling. "Rick? Rick Castle? From Faircroft Prep?"

Castle looked at him. "I don't remember you. When did you…"

"You're served." The man handed him another subpoena.

"What? I already got Meredith's subpoena." Rick tried to handle it back.

"Who's Meredith?" The server asked as he walked away.

Rick read the subpoena. "This is from Gina. She says that I've been over paid by Black Pawn for every book I've ever written for them. They want twenty percent of my earnings back, plus interest."

Kate got back to her office and did paperwork, but Rick's mind was elsewhere. Way elsewhere.

She drove him back to their loft that evening in her vehicle. When they stopped at a stoplight, a homeless man came out with a rag and a squeegee bottle and began cleaning the windshield, except he was making the window murky. Rick rolled down the window. "Hey, stop that. You're making a mess."

The man nodded and handed Rick a document. "You're served."

As the man walked away Rick screamed at him. "You could at least finish washing the windshield."

The man gave him the finger.

"Who is it now?" Kate asked.

"It's…Kyra? Why is she suing me?" Kate pulled over so he could read the subpoena. "She's claiming that my attempt to….frame her husband caused irreparable harm to their marriage and caused their divorce! She wants me to support her for the rest of her life! This is idiotic!"

Kate parked by the loft and they headed inside. Rick was already looking forward to a couple of glasses of Scotch.

"Do we have a new doorman, babe?"

Just as Castle looked up, the man in the doorman's uniform handed Rick a subpoena. "You've been served, pal."

Rick glared at the document. "I don't believe this."

"Who's it from, Castle?"

"Jacinda. She wants palimony, I guess. She says that she passed up a promotion to stay with me and because of that she's missed subsequent promotions and she wants me to pay her the difference between her salary as a flight attendant and the salary of….the president of the airline, which she says she'd be except for me! We were together for less than a week! How could this be happening to me?"

Kate took his arm. "Come on, babe. Let's go upstairs and have a drink. You'll feel better."

Rick went very carefully to his loft, looking for servers everywhere.

"Pumpkin! What are you doing here?" He asked, suspiciously when he found Alexis sitting at the kitchen island. "Do you have some paperwork for me?"

Alexis frowned. "Why would I have paperwork for you?"

Kate explained what had happened to Rick that day.

Alexis shook her head in disbelief. "That's unbelievable. But, I'll be happy to help you out"

Rick smiled. "Thanks, Pumpkin. But I don't see how you can help me."

"I'll represent you in court."

"Alexis, that's awfully sweet of you to offer, but you have to be…"

"I passed the New York State Bar exam three days ago." She said with a smile.

"You what? How?"

She shrugged. "I was so bored in med school with all the spare time I had that I decided to go to law school on the side. It only took me a year to graduate, summa cum laude, of course. Since I'm on break from med school, I can represent you." Seeing Rick was looking uncomfortable with the idea, Alexis pouted. "You aren't going to have a stranger represent you, are you, Daddy?"

Rick melted. "Of course not, Pumpkin."

Alexis smiled. "Then there's the matter of my fee. The standard is that I get fifty percent of however much I save you, your first born child and possession of your soul. Since you're family, I'll waive the part about the soul. Okay?"

"Alexis, you realize you are my firstborn child, right?"

Alexis blushed. "I just got caught up in the moment. That's really just legal boilerplate, you know."

Several days later they had a meeting with the four women's attorneys. Oddly they were all represented by the same firm, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys at Law. Castle remembered seeing one of their ads on late night TV. All he could remember was that it showed a school of piranhas devouring a man in an old B movie clip. That was followed by a shot of happy women dancing around while hundred dollar bills rained down on then. Rick was not feeling good about this.

Mr. Dewey began. "We suggest that an equitable settlement would be for Mr. Castle to assign everything he owns, everything his wife owns, everything his mother and father own and everything that all of Captain Beckett's family owns to our clients. And of course all of their future earnings."

Alexis nodded. "We have a counter proposal. To wit: Meredith will work for the Castles as their unpaid maid. She'll get every fifth February 29th off. Ms. Cowan will sign Black Pawn over to my client and work as Mr. and Mrs. Castle's unpaid secretary. Ms. Kyra Blaine will take over as the housekeeper for their house in the Hamptons and do such work as they require at her own expense. This will include, but is not limited to building an eighteen hole golf course for my clients, a helipad, and build a dock suitable for docking a Ford class aircraft carrier. Ms. Jacinda Jones will work as an unpaid bodyguard and food taster for Vinnie "The Scar" Cardano. Mr. Cardano has been having some….problems lately."

Mr. Dewey called in Mr. Cheatum and Howe for a conference. As they whispered to one another, they occasionally glared at the Castles.

Finally, "We have a counter proposal."

Alexis shook her head. "Too late." She then launched into a tirade entirely in Latin. As she spoke, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe visibly quivered, then began to cry. Soon they were rolling around on the floor and ripping their hair out. Then they curled up in a fetal position and began sucking their thumbs. It was also obvious that they had lost control of their bowels and bladder.

They finally broke. "We accept. We accept. We accept all of your proposal. You win. And we'll throw in our law firm as well. We've never seen a lawyer as good as you."

Alexis smiled at them. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen." She turned to Rick. "Now about my fee…."

Rick Castle say upright in bed, his heart pounding and drenched in sweat from his dream. He glanced at Kate who was sleeping peacefully by his side. He shook his head. "I'll have to ask Alexis what she's studying." He went back to sleep.