985. Chapter 985

After Always

Episode 4.23

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I just want Castle. But I don't own it. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Keep it. I resign."

I dropped my badge on Gates' desk and walked out. I was at my desk before what I had done fully sank in. I looked down at my desk. More than any place else in my life, this had been my home. More than the home I grew up in and certainly more than any of the places that I'd lived in since then. Suddenly, I had this sinking feeling in my stomach.

I had to stop myself from changing my mind. I was not going to allow that wall to go up again. Never. I had come within seconds of death. And facing my own death, I had only wanted one thing. I didn't want Maddox or Marks or whatever the hell his name was. I didn't want the man who paid for my mom's murder. I just wanted Castle. The only thing on my mind as I faced oblivion was an overwhelming desire to let Castle inside, past all of my walls, and never let go of him.

"Beckett, you can't do this."

I turned to face Esposito. "I can and I just did. Don't worry about it, Javi. Everything will be okay."

"What about your mom?"

I smiled ruefully at him. "Assuming I could come back. Gates would see to it that I never got close to my mom's case again, or my shooting, or anything else. It's over, Javi. It's all over."

"I'm sorry, Beckett. The guy surprised me. I should have been more careful. I should have…"

I put up a hand to stop him. "You have nothing to apologize for, Espo. I was in charge. I blew it. We should have brought backup. Even a couple of uniforms and we'd have kept him away from us. We'd have gotten what he had stolen from Captain Montgomery's home. But we didn't and it's over now."

"He's still out there, you know."

I shrugged. "Whoever it is, I'm no danger to them as a civilian." I couldn't tell Javi that Castle and Montgomery had set it up so that I'd be protected as long as I stayed away from my mom's murder. Knowing Javi, if I did, he'd be in Castle's face in seconds and he'd never let go. Having someone who thought he was some kind of older brother had been good for me, but that had to stop now before someone else got hurt.

"What are you going to do?"

I took a couple of deep breaths and smiled. "I'm going to be more."

"More?" He looked confused.

"Javi, Gates is giving us the evil eye. We should get our stuff and go before she has a couple of uniforms escort us out. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine"

He looked like he didn't believe me for a second, but he risked a quick glance into Gates' office and then headed for his own desk. He turned to me. "If you need anything…?"

"I will. And if you need anything just call."

I got a box from storage and began loading my stuff. It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate over the years. What was even more amazing was how many things on and in my desk reminded me of Castle. There was a bag of Gummi Bears we'd used to play poker with, and the DVD player where we thought we found evidence of extra-terrestrial life. There was…"

"Beckett, I just heard. This isn't because of what I did, is it?"

I smiled at Ryan. "In case you didn't notice, Kevin, if it wasn't for what you did, I wouldn't be an unemployed ex-cop. I'd be getting my name on the Wall of Honor with all the other cops who died in the line of duty. Believe me, I'm happier to be an ex-cop."

"Maybe you can talk to Gates?"

I shook my head. "I became a cop to solve my mom's murder. I did kill the guy that killed her, but it's over now. It's been years, Kevin, and I'm no closer to finding out who's behind it than the day I graduated from the academy. I know that if I keep it up, I'll go down the biggest rabbit hole there is and never come back out. I won't let that happen."

"My brother -in-law works private security. Maybe he can get you a job?"

I nodded without any enthusiasm. "Maybe later, Kev." I gave him a quick hug. "Thanks for everything. And don't worry about me." I knew he'd worry, but there was nothing I could do about that.

I was done with packing, putting my mom's elephants on top. Someone was standing next to me.

"Bad news travels fast, Beckett."

"Hi, Roz. I guess it does."

"So, you're really doing it?"

"I'm all packed and ready."

"Going to finally give Castle a chance?"

I guess my poker face wasn't as good as I had thought. Roz Karpowski laughed. "Really, Beckett. Did you think no one noticed?"

"I guess they did." I could feel myself blushing. "I just hope he's still interested. We had a fight last night. A bad one. He walked out. I haven't talked to him since."

Roz shook her head. "Have you ever noticed anything about the women of the NYPD?"

"What do they have to do with anything?" I asked, puzzled.

She laughed again. "Normally every woman past puberty and not past menopause would have been all over Castle the way you were pushing him away. But he might as well have been wearing a big neon sign that said, "I'm waiting for Beckett, no matter how long it takes." He'll be there for you. "

I wasn't as sure as Roz was, but it did give me hope. "Thanks, Roz."

"Just go get him, okay?"

Force of habit had me go down the elevator to the precinct garage. I laughed at myself. I wasn't entitled to car anymore. I walked out of the precinct and hailed a cab.

Once I got home I called Castle. I got his voice mail. I checked the time. He was going to Alexis' graduation that night. He wouldn't want to be taking calls when she was graduating and giving her valedictorian speech. I made some coffee and waited.

I called again and the call was declined. I should have expected that. I called a half a dozen more times at five minute intervals. All of the calls were declined. I began to have a sinking feeling in my stomach. Had he finally decided he'd had enough of me?

I sat there and began to think back on the conversation I'd had with Castle just the night before. I had been so angry at him, I had hardly heard anything he said once he admitted to me that he'd kept what I had then thought of as vital information from me. Right now, that information was as useless to me as last month's weather report.

I tried to remember.

"I love you, Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, don't do this."

I had my answer. As far as Castle was concerned, I didn't care for him at all. He meant nothing to me. After all, I had pushed him away for years, insulted him, lied to him and now he felt that I had never cared for him at all. How could I expect he would want to accept a call from me?

Suddenly, I had to get out of my apartment. I felt like the walls were closing in and the air as being sucked out, leaving me with nothing to breathe.

Outside it was still raining. I ignored it. Without quite knowing how, I found myself at the swings. Our swings. The place where I had come as close to opening up to Castle as I ever had. I stared at the other swing. Castle's swing, like Castle's chair was empty. I laughed bitterly. There was no Castle's chair any more. No matter what happened, Castle would never sit next to Detective Beckett again. That was now in the past.

So, now I had the future. I'd go see Castle. I had plenty of time. I had pushed him away for more than four years. I'd follow him around just like he'd followed me for four years if I had to. I'd follow him around for the rest of my life if that's what it took. I was not going to screw this up again.

I walked into the lobby of his building and got a rather shocked look from the doorman, Eduardo.

"What happened to you, Ms. Beckett?"

"It's raining." Was all I said as I headed for the elevator.

"Should I call Mr. Castle?" He called after me.

"No. I want to surprise him."

I did surprise him, but it didn't look like a pleasant surprise for him. He frowned.

"Becket, what do you want?"

For once, I'd tell him the complete truth. "You." I came inside and put my hands to his face and kissed him. He didn't kiss back. Panic rose in my chest. Had he stopped loving me already?

"I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry." I took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry."

I tried to kiss him again and he didn't react, but pushed me back. I didn't care. I'd stay here all night and tomorrow as well until he did kiss me back.

"What happened?"

A million words rushed through my mind. That I'd realized that he was everything I ever wanted. That all my mother's case would ever do to me was lead me to my own destruction, either by getting me killed or drawing me so far down the rabbit hole I'd never get out. I don't really remember what I told him, but then I began kissing him again. He hesitated, and then he kissed me back. Suddenly I was pushed up against the door and he was all over me and I was all over him.

I smiled at him and led him to his bedroom.

Hours later, we were cuddled together. I had to ask him. I had to know. "Castle, do you still love me?"

He waited for a second. I tried to see his face in the dark, but I had no idea what he was thinking.

"Beckett, no matter what you do, I'll never be able to stop loving you."

"Then I'd better make sure that what I do from here on it makes you love me more."

"Always?" He asked. I could see his smile.

I laughed. "Always."

Author's note. After this, I'm working on Together Again, a sequel to Infinite Kates, featuring at least seven characters that have been played by Stana Katic. I just hope I can keep all of them straight in my mind.

t means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this.