34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Her Detective Beckett senses alerted Kate to Castle's presence in the room, and she held one finger to her lips to ask for his silence. She then slipped out of Alexis's bed as stealthily as she had left her own earlier in the night, closed the door quietly, and guided him downstairs without a word.

"What happened," he asked on the way down the stairs. "Is she sick?"

"No. She's been having nightmares since I was shot, but she didn't want to worry you…or anybody else apparently. I got up to find a snack last night and heard her in the middle of one of them when I came back upstairs. She didn't want me to tell you, but I told her we had to…that we'd all talk today. You and I both know how bad the nightmares can be…and how varied. When I went to her last night, she woke up thinking you and I were both dead. And she's been handling this on her own. I wonder about Martha, too. Through everything that was going on, she was a rock for all of us; but it had to take a toll on her. What hasn't she told us?"

"How could Alexis have hidden that for so long? I feel like such an incompetent father. I expected it at first. Mother mentioned that Alexis had some nightmares while we were at the hospital, but…" He got down mugs and put them on the counter and ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Aren't we still having nightmares?" Kate asked, preparing their coffee and leaving it on the counter to put her arms around his waist and rest her head on his chest.

"Not nearly as often…" he answered, wrapping his arms around her, too. "And some of ours date back way before that sniper at the funeral.

"But we can get past them because?"

"Because you're right there…or I'm right there…when one of us is dreaming, to reassure the other one." Then the reason for her question hit him. "But my little girl is alone with it and won't come to me. How could I have missed that?"

"We're all outwardly feeling better, Rick, but the possibility of a threat is still hanging over all of us. We can all get through the day feeling better, but we can't control it when we're sleeping.

"We'll talk to Alexis when she comes down for breakfast. "Might need the happy face pancakes for commiseration purposes this time."

Kate nodded her agreement and moved on to her next thought. "I'm going to have to pass a psych eval before I can go back to work. Maybe I should call a few weeks ahead of going back and arrange to talk to whoever they assign me. Therapy helped me before. I guess we should keep an eye on things and see if it looks like the rest of the family should talk to somebody, too. Rick, I'm so sorry I brought all this into what used to be a peaceful home. It's all my fault that everybody is…"

"No. It isn't your fault. It's the fault of the people who created this mess…and the one in charge…the one who's hiring professional killers to take out anybody who might threaten him." He drew her closer and tucked her against his side. Kissing the top of her head, he emphasized each word as he reiterated, "It is…not…your...fault."

"But…"

He stopped her protest with a sweet kiss. "Don't, Kate. It won't change anything, and it won't change how we love you. And you didn't marry me knowing this would happen. It isn't your fault. I blamed myself for a while, too…thinking I started it by stirring up your mother's case. But we're the good guys in this. We're just caught in the crossfire, and we have to leave it alone for now." He paused, leaned back against the counter, and stared straight ahead.

"Something is on your mind. What is it?" she asked.

"I need to tell you something. It doesn't amount to anything right now, but…"

"That's your 'I wish I hadn't' face. What have you done?" He took a breath, but before he started, she said, "Wait. If this is going to be as serious as it looks, especially after the last piece of conversation, let's sit down. She pulled away, picked up their mugs, and nodded toward the kitchen table.

They sat down side by side at the table, arms touching, and each took a sip of their hot coffee before Castle began.

"I stopped by the precinct the day before yesterday. I was going to see the guys and invite them to come and visit when they had some time off. And I was hoping to get an impression of the new captain while I was there."

"And…" Kate prodded.

"Big impression. She hated me on sight…didn't even try for a polite introduction. Esposito put the your case file on his desk, and he and Ryan were going to have me take a look to see if anything new jumped out at me. She came out of her office like a hell spewed she-devil, reamed them out for showing it to me, said she already knew who I was before they finished introducing me, and kicked me out. I got the distinct impression she doesn't want me there." After pausing to take another sip of his coffee, he tacked on, "I may not have been pleasant when I left."

"Can't say that I blame you. Did you see anything worth remembering…in the file?" she asked hesitantly, nervously running one finger around the mouth of her mug.

"Didn't have time with the Wicked Witch of the West moving in on us that fast. Ryan and Esposito tried to explain, but she wasn't having any of it."

"Is that it? I can plan on working for the Wicked Witch of the West from now on, and she won't want you coming back? Your friend the mayor can fix that, though, right?"

"I guess, but that would probably make her hate me even more. The boys were leaving for a crime scene right after I got to the street, and they caught up with me and gave me some back-up." He hesitated before going on, but then plowed ahead, knowing it was necessary. "I asked them if they could get us copies of your file…anything new since you were shot. Under the radar…and only if they could find a way that wouldn't get them into trouble. I told them we didn't want it now, asked them to keep it under wraps until we asked for it."

"Castle, as much as I want to see it, we can't."

"I know, Sweetheart. I know. I shouldn't have done it. I asked them to put copies on a stick drive. I thought about getting a computer that won't be connected to the internet, something to give us a place to put things together without someone else getting to it. We'll leave it alone as long as we can, but sooner or later it's going to find us again. It always does. It's an option if we need it, but we won't touch it unless we have to. I don't think they have anything new, anyway; and I don't want to do anything that might put you in the crosshairs again."

A few renegade tears broke through Kate's self-control and rolled down her cheeks, and Castle pulled her into his lap, stroking her back and resting his cheek on her head. We're gonna be okay. Surely the Universe wouldn't put us through all this and then do us in anyway."

"I hate that our family is suffering for it. It's my baggage, my mess. Whoever it is running all this is after me. Your family shouldn't have had to give up their peace of mind because I'm part of them now. You would all have been better off if you'd never met me…if I had just disappeared."

Before Castle could say anything in response, a third voice was heard not far from the foot of the stairs. They looked up and found Alexis standing there appearing upset, tears building in her eyes, too.

"You're not leaving, are you?" she asked, looking at Kate accusingly. "You promised me you'd never voluntarily leave this family."

Kate got up and wrapped her in her arms the way she had the night before. "No, I'm not leaving. I won't leave you, Alexis. I just feel so bad that all of you have had to suffer too. It makes me feel selfish, but I won't leave you."

Castle came and put his arms around both of them as Alexis sniffled into Kate's shoulder, "I'd rather have bad dreams every night than not have you. Dad and I need you, Kate."

"I need you, too…and Martha. I'm not going anywhere."

By that time there were tears all around. Castle had one hand at the back of each of their heads and was nuzzling one's head and then the other.

"Let's walk out to the beach, Pumpkin. We need to talk," Castle said softly.

"She told you?"

"Yeah. Come on. I was out looking for Kate earlier, and it's already warm. Grab some towels and let's go sit on the sand."

Kate got three bottles of water from the fridge while Alexis got the beach towels, and Castle opened the door for them and followed them out. He helped spread the towels on the sand, and they sat close together, Alexis in the middle. Castle put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his side.

"So you've been having nightmares for six weeks?" Again his little girl was reduced to nodding. "and you weren't going to let me know?" Another nod. "Will you tell me why? Why you would try to handle that entirely on your own? You know you can come to either of us…or your grandmother."

"At first I did talk to Grams. I think we were both having nightmares then, but she said it was probably normal and they would gradually stop as the shock wore off. At first it was every time I went to sleep, then it was just at night. When it wasn't every single night anymore, I thought it was getting better. When I had a dream, Grams let me come and sleep with her like when I was little, and that helped. I told her it was getting better, and after a few nights without finding me in her bed, I guess she assumed it was. And you and Kate were home by then. You know how she wears her sleep mask and has spells of using earplugs when she sleeps? Well, she was using the earplugs again."

"And she didn't hear you waking up after the nightmares…and I was too far away to hear you?" Another nod. "I did go up and check on you, you know…every time I'd get up during the night. But I still missed it. Why didn't you come to me when you were scared…at least talk to me about it during the day?"

"Dad, you were exhausted from burning the candle at both ends. We all tease you about me being the adult in the family, but we all know you're the reason I can be an adult when I need to. You're the one who taught me about responsibility, and family, and taking care of each other. You were taking care of Kate, arranging security, talking to doctors, trying to write in between…because, heaven forbid Gina should give you any leeway because your wife was in the hospital…fielding calls about how things were going, making sure Grams and I were okay, and constantly worrying about something. I didn't want to add to that, and I thought it was stopping. I hadn't had one for a week."

"Did anything trigger the one last night?"

"When I talked to Ash, he asked about Kate…how she's doing. Maybe having to think about it again to answer him set it off. I don't know." Her eyes were still down as if she were ashamed.

"Alexis," Kate said softly, slipping her arm under her stepdaughter's and taking her hand, "There's no shame in having nightmares. You went through something traumatic, and it's normal that your mind doesn't simply let it go and get right back to normal. Your dad and I have nightmares sometimes, too. But we each have the other one there to get us through it. I know if I weren't here, you'd probably go to your father if you were frightened. Don't let me be the reason you don't. You can come to me, too if he's off on tour or something. I don't want you to be alone, either."

Alexis sat up straighter, but she was still looking down. "I didn't want to wake you up. You were hurting and needed your sleep."

"Honey, that's very noble of you but unnecessary. I don't want to be the reason that either you or your father won't take care of yourselves. From now on, you come to us when you're upset or afraid, understand?" There was another nod. "And don't assume that because I'm in your dad's bed that you can't come and knock on the door when you need us."

"But you're getting better now. What if I'm interrupting…" She waved her hand as she tried to convey her message without having to actually put into words things she'd rather not associate with her father. The movement was slightly reminiscent of her grandmother.

"Then interrupt," Kate insisted. "Life is full of priorities, and you're at the top of our list."

"She's right," Castle agreed. "Top of the list."

Alexis held Kate's hand tighter. "You never make me feel like I don't belong with you. I know you're not my mom, but I like that you treat me like one."

"Sometimes I don't know quite what to say when someone asks about you. Stepdaughter doesn't seem close enough, but you already have a mom. My Alexis doesn't work, either, but it's how I feel. Like I have a claim on you."

"I guess that means you're my Kate?" Alexis asked, finally looking more her usual self.

"Count on it."

"So," Castle asked, "just to be clear, you're going to come to us if this happens again, worries about interrupting or not?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Okay. Settled. Does anybody feel up to a walk before breakfast? Maybe a short one. I think I'm about to be hungry."

Hearing agreement from both women, he stood and mischievously tugged at the towel Alexis was sitting on, and she and Kate stood, too.

"He has the patience of a puppy sometimes," she said jokingly to Kate.

"Yeah, sometimes," Kate answered, looking at him lovingly. "But to give him credit, sometimes he has the patience of a saint. I've been a recipient of that."

"Me, too," Alexis agreed.

They left the towels in a heap far enough from the water that a rogue wave wouldn't wash them away. Then Castle put an arm around each woman's shoulders and they walked in the quiet enjoyment of family and a beautiful day before coming home and having breakfast together.

Alexis woke from another nightmare a few days after the discussion on the beach, and this time she went straight to the master bedroom and knocked on the door. Castle shuffled to the door, rumpled from sleep and in his bare feet. He took one look at his daughter and put his arms around her.

"Nightmare?" he asked, and she nodded against his chest.

Kate met them at the door, running her fingers through her hair to tame it a bit. Patting Alexis's arm, she walked past them saying, "Come on. Kitchen. Hot cocoa therapy."

"My favorite kind," Castle answered, tugging at Alexis's hair. "See? Whipped cream, hot cocoa… A true Castle. She's definitely ours." Alexis smiled at that.

That became their ritual for Alexis's nightmares. Now and then Rick and Kate utilized hot cocoa therapy for themselves, but they generally practiced other methods of recovery that didn't take them out of their room.

xxxxx

Meagan gauged Kate's progress and adjusted her workouts accordingly.

"I'm seeing a lot of progress," Meagan told her as they finished the first week of her new workouts. "You're a tough one."

"Isn't this how you'd work?" Kate answered, breathing hard and wiping her face with a towel.

"Probably," Meagan admitted, "But I've never been shot, and I've never had to have the kind of surgery you did. I'm really impressed with what you've already accomplished."

"It feels good to be moving again, even if it's a lot less than I was doing before."

"If you keep improving at this rate, you're going to amaze your doctors. It's mid-July, and you won't be going back to work until sometime in September. We still have at least six weeks before you can plan to go back. Keep this up, and even if it's desk duty, which it's likely to be, I don't see your doctor holding you back."

Kate bent forward and put her hands on her knees until she caught her breath, then stood and breathed out, "I've finally reached a point where I can feel myself getting stronger. Every three or four days I find something else that's easier to do than it was the day before." With a big grin, she added, "I love it."

"I can tell. The way you work, you hardly need me."

"Rick needs you as much as I do. He doesn't trust me not to get carried away…and he might have good reason. So I do want you to stay. It's good for me to plan with somebody who knows what she's doing and won't let me hurt myself." Rolling her eyes and making a face to go with the self-deprecating statement, she admitted, "I'm a little stubborn like that."

"Not going there," Meagan answered with a grin as she gathered the few pieces of equipment Kate had used. "You know, this could be the easiest job I've ever had. Outstanding accommodations, easy work, private beach, private pool, good food, people who treat me like family. I'll be a terrible grouch when I have to get back to the real world this fall."

Stripping down to the swimsuit she wore under her exercise clothes, Kate grinned. "Ready for the pool?"

"Thought you'd never ask," Meagan answered, paring down to her own swimsuit.

They both rinsed quickly in the poolside shower and dove in to swim a few lazy laps and cool off.

xxxxx

Nina and Alexis visited back and forth during the first week the Castles were at the beach, and Kate enjoyed the girl's visits. Nina and Alexis were well matched…bright, pleasant, enthusiastic, and well-rounded in their interests.

After their fourth morning of yoga, Alexis mentioned that her friend was interested, too, and asked if Nina could join them.

"If she wants to get up this early, sure," Kate agreed. And, as of the following morning, Nina was a regular addition to the workout. Nina went home with a promise that Alexis would be at her house in the afternoon; and as they went inside to change clothes to go on a short grocery shopping trip, Kate asked, "Do you have other friends who are here for the summer?"

"We used to," Alexis answered. "Tasha will be here next week. You'll like her, too. There were three other girls we used to play with when we were little. All of them were fun to be around back then. But a couple of years ago, they started turning into their mothers…mean-spirited, shallow, snobby, back stabbing witches."

"Alexis," Kate exclaimed, looking surprised. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk about another teenager that way."

"You haven't met them…or their mothers. Their mothers were always awful, but it was like our friends turned into different people when they started high school. Nina and Tasha and I avoid them like the plague. You'd like Tasha's parents. Her dad hangs out with Dad and Stan from next door sometimes. Total goofs when they get together. Oh, and her grandmother spends most of the summer with them, and she still speaks mostly Russian; so her parents help her communicate. You'd have somebody to practice on. Tasha doesn't speak as nearly as much Russian as her parents, though. Tasha is short for Natasha. Sorry. I'm babbling."

Kate chuckled. "It's okay. I'll look forward to meeting them. Go clean up. Your Dad's waiting in the study . Get a move on. I'm ready to start getting away from the house now and then."

"Yes, ma'am," Alexis answered and scurried up the steps in front of Kate.

They went out for an early breakfast before taking care of the grocery shopping.

"I can't believe deciding on groceries feels like fun," Kate said about halfway down the third aisle in the supermarket. Do you know how long it's been since I've done this? I'm doing something normal away from home, other than eating a meal."

Castle and Alexis laughed at her, and she stuck her tongue out at them, completely undeterred from her good mood. They finished their shopping, and Kate even happily helped put things away when they got home.

Ryan, Esposito, and Lanie came to visit for the weekend; and Kate had another taste of normal, just hanging out and enjoying friends. The afternoon they had to leave, Castle cooked steaks on the grill, and they had their lunch next to the pool.

The workouts continued for Kate, the demands increasing in increments as she got stronger. And she welcomed the challenge. By August, the family walks were almost as long as those from the summer before, her breathing was nearing normal, the teenagers were joining Kate and Meagan for yoga every day, and she and Castle were experimentally and enthusiastically branching out from limo technique.

One morning Nina's mother came to pick her up for an appointment, and Castle took her out to where the yoga club, as they had begun to call it, was finishing up. He introduced her to Kate and Meagan, then went back in the house.

"You need to clean up fast, Honey, Mrs. Kerns told her daughter. We don't have much extra time."

"Be right back," Nina promised, grabbing the bag she brought with her. "Alexis said I could take a shower in her bathroom." She and Alexis went back to the house together, leaving the three adults to talk as her mother waited.

"I hope you'll forgive the intrusion, Mrs. Castle. I wanted to meet the inspiration behind my child's excitement about getting up to work out every morning."

"It's Kate, and we all enjoy having Nina here."

"Please call me Marnie. Nina certainly enjoys it. And she's so impressed with you. You know, this brings back memories. I used to take classes, even after I had Nina; but after her brother was born, time for this seemed to run out."

"Well, if you can find the time, you're welcome to join "the yoga club". The last words were accompanied by air quotes. "The girls called it that one morning, and it stuck."

"Really?"

"Why not? It's a big backyard. Plenty of room."

"Thank you." Marnie hesitated for a moment. "I heard what happened. It looks like you're making a good recovery."

"She's working herself hard to get there," Meagan chimed in. "We're trying to get her in shape so she can get back to work."

"It must take a lot of courage to go back after something like that. Sorry. I shouldn't have brought up bad memories."

"It's there to be dealt with. Don't worry about it."

"Well, if it helps your confidence at all, I'm pretty sure my daughter thinks you could walk on water."

They talked a few minutes about random things until the girls appeared at the back door to say Nina was ready.

"Thanks, Kate. Don't be surprised if I turn up one morning before long with my yoga mat."

"Any time," Kate answered. "See you tomorrow, Nina." Turning to Meagan, she said, "Alexis was right. I like her. Pool?" and they headed that way.

"That isn't an everyday thing for you, is it? Instantly liking somebody enough to invite them in?"

"I instantly invited you in."

"Well, of course you did, but we're not talking about me and my awesome charisma," Meagan countered with a playful grin. "We're talking about everyday, average people."

"Full of yourself today, aren't you?" Kate shot back with a smirk. "Yeah. I do tend to hold back at first. Maybe Castle is getting to me. He always wants to see the good in people; and it helps that I've been around Nina, and that he's known the family since Alexis was little." Pausing for a moment, Kate asked, "You're not going to disappear as soon as I'm better, are you? I mean, you did say we'd do some sparring. And I still intend to beat your butt."

"I won't disappear if you don't want me to. Your family is addictive. I might need a fix now and then. And we'll see who beats whose butt, Lady."

They had crossed the yard by then and took their morning dip in the pool before going back to the house.

Kate, and by extension the rest of her family, found their boundaries were gradually progressing in the direction of their pre- Kate-was-shot-by-a-sniper existence. It might never be one hundred per cent the same, but a very close facsimile seemed clearly visible off on the horizon.