83. Chapter 83

Chapter 83

Valentine's evening left the loft empty. Alexis came by long enough to pick up her favorite semi-formal dress for dinner with JD, Martha was going to dinner with her latest beau, and Rick and Kate were on their last big, fancy pre-parents-of-an-infant date.

When the couple entered the restaurant, the maître d' greeted them by name and personally showed them to their table. Their server arrived immediately, introduced himself, and presented Kate with a single, long-stemmed red rose.

Rick again asked for one glass of champagne, and they settled for sparkling juice in pretty glasses after that. He moved his chair next to his wife's to sit beside her rather than across from her; and they held hands and talked, rested hands on thighs at times, and stole a kiss now and then. And he couldn't resist putting one arm around her shoulders while rubbing his palm gently across her elegantly clad middle and speaking to his baby once in a while.

During their meal, staff members turned up randomly with small, enjoyable but totally unnecessary Valentine themed surprises… things ranging from romantic to funny. There was a little word game, a cartoon, a short poem about being in love, a silly compatibility test, a soft small pair of stuffed animals…loving little cats with their arms around each other…all of them placed nonchalantly on the table by a server who simply walked by and left it without a word so the diners wouldn't be too distracted from each other. Dessert was served in heart shaped dishes, and on the way out, for those who wanted it, an area near the front door was beautifully set up for complimentary romantic pictures to commemorate the evening.

As they walked out to meet the car, Kate said, "I'm really glad you arranged this. It was as nice a Valentine's night as I could have imagined. All the quirky little surprises were fun…perfect for us, and I couldn't have had a better partner for it."

"Me, either."

She held up the two little hugging stuffed cats and wiggled them at him. "This was entertaining. I couldn't believe you put them on my stomach for the baby…in a fancy restaurant."

"And I couldn't believe he kicked them off hard enough I barely caught them before they bounced off the edge of the table."

"That couple sitting two tables away couldn't either. They were laughing as hard as we were."

"Doesn't it hurt when he kicks that hard?"

"He's never done that before. I was so surprised I'm not sure if it hurt or not. He's been pretty busy in there, but that was bordering on extreme sports."

They laughed as Darrell opened the limo door for them, and Castle told him about the kick before closing the privacy panel.

"This is a really good picture," Castle commented after taking it from the envelope to look at it. "We even look like we belong together."

"That's because we do," his wife answered. Then they enjoyed a little making out on the way home.

When they woke up the next morning, they were both smugly content, stretching and smiling then snuggling back against each other for a little longer before they got out of bed.

"I like that we're creative," Rick told her, nuzzling a kiss on the crown of her head.

"So you liked my idea?"

"I really liked your idea. It sounded like you liked mine, too."

She looked up at him and grinned. "Yeah. We should issue challenges now and then to see what else we can think of. "

"Deal." He gave her a quick kiss and pulled back the covers. "We need a shower before we leave for the precinct. I'll call you when the water is warm."

"Okay. Tomorrow we sleep in, right?"

"No alarm or anything else distracting," he promised. With a teasing little pat on her belly, he said, "Distracting will be here faster than you think."

Since it was Kate's last workday before beginning her maternity leave, they decided to leave early and stop for breakfast on the way to the precinct. Not long after finding out she was pregnant, she had decided that she had no desire to work long enough that her water might break at the precinct, and Castle insisted she should take off as much time as she needed, or just wanted, even if it would be without pay. He reminded her that they didn't need to worry about her income anyway and that someone else would be on temporary duty with the boys…someone who would help with the legwork. Ryan and Esposito should like that after all those months when she had been on desk duty.

Her last workday held no big surprises. The case they were working on was still progressing well. While the boys were out interviewing the victim's co-workers, Beckett's replacement came in and spent the morning catching up on what had been done on the case so far and getting a little orientation on how things were handled on their team.

When Detective Sully left, Castle said, "He seems competent and cooperative. He picked up on things pretty quickly."

"Yeah, he does." Looking distastefully at the fast food wrapper and the two coffee cups he had left behind before she realized it, she added, "He's a little bit of a slob, though. I fear for my desk."

Near the end of the day, Castle and Beckett went to the break room, Castle making himself coffee, and Beckett making herself tea; and when they returned to her desk, they found a stack of gifts, as well as a bullpen full of detectives who looked quite pleased with themselves.

"Well done, ladies and gentlemen," Castle said with a smile. "We honestly didn't suspect a thing,"

"No, we didn't," Beckett admitted, looking surprised. "Thank you."

"Well, are you going to open them?" Karpowski called out.

It seemed that each team on the homicide floor had filled one of the packages, and Beckett and Castle took turns opening them. As they opened smaller gifts within the larger boxes, they found the standard blankets and onesies, and laughed as they saw varying sizes of what must have been most of the baby sized items made with the NYPD logo, including a tiny little hoodie with sweat pants. There wasn't a single newborn size in the entire collection. Hastings said they all decided that if the baby took after his parents, he'd be too tall for that size the day he was born.

Castle called for a car, and after thanking everyone and accepting a few hugs and slaps on the back and a lot of good wishes, they left the precinct for the rest of Beckett's maternity leave. The town car driver dropped them off at Remy's for burgers and then took all the packages for Eduardo to hold for them until they were back at home.

Their favorite booth was open, and they sat down and sighed in relief.

"That was nice of everybody. The NYPD pacifier will be fun," Castle joked. "When he gets fussy, I can use it on Peanut and finally get to say, "Stop! NYPD!"

Kate laughed and called him a goofball again. "I can kind of see the NYPD logo in the middle of it bouncing up and down when he uses it." She paused a moment and looked down, then looked up at Castle with her eyes twinkling. "I can't believe this is me. I was never a baby person; but I haven't even seen him yet, and I love him so much already. I want to see him in that tiny little hoodie, I want to rock him, and hold him, and sing to him, and dress him in that onesie you bought with the goofy dinosaurs on it, and kiss his little head, and watch Alexis hold him…"

"I notice you didn't mention changing his diapers," Castle interrupted with his charming little smirk.

"I'm still pregnant. Humor me about the good stuff. The icky diapers will rear their ugly heads soon enough."

He reached across the table and took her hands in his. "Another couple of weeks and you can do all those things. We'll get to have him out here in the world with us."

"I'm a little scared of how I have to get him into the world, but I'm excited, too."

"I think that's pretty normal."

Their favorite waitress, Ruby, stopped at the table and asked, "The usual?" and they both nodded. "You both look happy today."

"Maternity leave starts today," Kate answered.

"And we meet our baby boy in a couple of weeks."

"Two good reasons to look happy, then. You're gonna bring him in so I can meet him, too, right?" she asked.

"Of course we will." Kate answered. 'Castle is a well-practiced proud daddy. I'd bring him anyway, but I couldn't stop Rick if I tried."

"Knowing this one," Ruby teased, looking at Castle, "I wouldn't be surprised if I saw his picture on a screen in Times Square." Then she pointed to her order pad, wiggled it at them, and said, "Coming right up," as she left.

After their burgers were gone, they hailed a taxi and went home. As they entered the lobby of their building, Eduardo opened the door and pulled a cart from the storage room with all their gifts on it. "Looks like there was a party before you left the twelfth," he said with a smile. "I'll take these up for you and bring the cart back down."

"No sense in leaving your post. Somebody else might need you. Why don't we take it up, empty it, and then put it in the elevator and push the down button. That way you only have to go as far as the elevator."

Just then the phone in the lobby rang, and one of the more demanding occupants of the building was firmly stating her requirements for the doorman's attention. The woman's shrill, annoying voice was loud enough for the couple to hear and distinctive enough to let them know exactly who it was.

"I'll put it in the elevator for you," Castle said sympathetically. Then he leaned and whispered conspiratorially, "Maybe it will run over her when she opens the elevator door. I'll write a plausible story to cover you."

Eduardo handed the cart over to Castle with a hearty laugh, and Castle and Beckett took it to the elevator. "Thanks, Mr. Castle," he called in parting.

They unloaded the cart when they reached the loft, and Castle took it back to the elevator as promised, while Kate listed which team gave them what for thank you note purposes.

"Do cops do thank you notes to each other?" Castle asked mischievously.

"I have two weeks with no job to go to. I might need to write them for my own sanity," she sassed.

After taking their gifts to the nursery, they smiled and commented on them as they folded all the little clothes and put them on the crib mattress and found other places for everything else. Then they stood near the door and looked at the nursery, imagining it with its imminent new resident.

"I love you, Mrs. Castle," he said, putting his arms around her from behind and resting his hands on her stomach.

"I love you, too, Mr. Castle." She turned her head for a kiss before they left the room.

They had reached the first floor, and Castle was going to get them some water when they heard a key moving in the front door as if someone were having trouble with it. Kate went to open the door and encountered a distraught looking Alexis.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Kate," was all she said before throwing herself into Kate's arms and holding on tightly.

"Alexis?" Castle said, coming toward them quickly from the kitchen.

"Daddy," Alexis wailed, moving to throw her arms around her father and breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

"What's wrong, Baby Bird? What happened?"

She continued to sob while she tried to answer him, but it was almost unintelligible. She tried to catch her breath enough to speak; but Castle and Kate, who was obviously listening from the kitchen, only caught enough to think they recognized a few key words here and there. They thought they heard, "Valentine's…dinner…hotel…slept with…clothes…his place…card…broke up…terrible person…" but the sobbing never actually stopped.

At the possible words "slept with", Castle closed his eyes, looked stricken, and held his daughter tighter. And Kate started the hot cocoa since they were all likely to need the comfort drink before the evening was over.

After the sobbing had subsided to almost normal crying a couple of minutes later and the hiccupping version of speech was returning, Alexis sort of hiccupped out, "I'm…sorry,…Dad."

"Why are you telling me you're sorry?"

"I'm…a terrible…person."

"Why do you think you're a terrible person?"

With bouts of crying and hitches and hiccups in her speech, she managed to convey, "Slept with JD…broke up."

"He slept with you and then broke up with you?" her father asked incredulously.

She shook her head almost violently. "Not him…me."

"You broke up with him?"

She nodded. "Terrible person…I'm a terrible…person."

"Honey, sleeping with someone you care about doesn't make you a terrible person."

Again she shook her head vigorously. "No. Breaking up…terrible person. So good to me…"

"Let's sit down. When you calm down you can tell me everything you want to tell me." After squeezing her a little tighter for a moment, he said, "I love you, Pumpkin. Just cry it out, and then we can talk about it." He guided her to the sofa and held his little girl until the front of his shirt was very damp and Alexis had calmed enough to almost speak normally again. By then, Kate had huge mugs of hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows for them, and she wordlessly delivered both mugs to the coffee table for Castle and the end table next to the sofa for Alexis. As she started to leave, Alexis caught Kate's hand.

"Thank you, Kate."

"Gotta take care of all my babies," she answered with one hand on her middle. "Want me to leave you with your dad? It's okay if you do."

"No. Don't go."

"You just needed your dad first this time?"

Alexis nodded. "But you can stay. Not trying to leave you out." She pushed at her father to get him to move and make room for Kate between her and the end of the sofa so she was snuggled between them. Her words were still delivered with hitches in her breath and a lot of sniffling, but it appeared that it was easier to speak well enough to make sense.

Castle's arm was still around his daughter's shoulder, but Kate pulled Alexis's head over to kiss it and left her arm on her stepdaughter's shoulder as well, leaving her hand on Castle's arm to provide support for both of them. "Maybe you should start at the beginning?" she stated more than asked.

Alexis took a deep breath as if dreading what followed, then launched into her story with a less than fully dependable delivery.

"JD took me to a nice restaurant for dinner." She mentioned the name of the hotel where the restaurant was located.

Castle answered, "That does sound nice."

He said he had a room at the hotel and had champagne if I wanted to try it…but that I didn't have to. He said we could just spend some time to ourselves if I wanted to, no pressure to do anything I didn't want to do. Or he'd take me home if I'd rather not. I trust him, so I went with him. It was nice. Champagne was okay, but I only drank a little bit. He didn't try to get me drunk or anything. He left the decisions to me, and I spent the night with him, and…you know." She looked down and waved her hand around, vaguely reminiscent of her grandmother.

"I can honestly say I'd rather not know, but I do. So what was wrong? Was he too rough? Did he scare you? Did he disappoint you? I haven't heard a reason to break up yet."

"He didn't do anything wrong, Dad. You don't need to be mad at him. You need to be ashamed of me. He was sweet and gentle and treated me like I was really special. I hadn't…" her hand was waving again before she went on.

"I got it," Castle answered, kissing her head gently, "but I don't understand yet why you're being so hard on yourself."

"Dad, he was so good to me. He had even taken a bag to the hotel with new clothes for me. He had been to his grandfather's store and bought a whole outfit, so if I stayed, I wouldn't feel like I was doing a walk of shame in the fancy dress I had worn for dinner the night before. Then he checked out of the hotel, and he took me to breakfast. We had fun and took our time and walked in the park for a while. Then we went to his apartment, and he said he had a gift for me. He gave me a card that he'd signed, "I'll always love you." After a little pause to catch her breath, she added, "And he gave me a ring."

"An engagement ring?!"

"No. A promise ring. He said it was his promise that he would wait as long as it took for me to decide." She started crying again. "I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't just keep him waiting with no real promises on my side. It was wrong."

"So you think you're a terrible person because you tried to do the right thing?

Her next thoughts became increasingly more rapid fire as she spoke. "Kate said to be honest with him, and I was at Christmas. I told him I wasn't ready for long term commitments,..that I needed to put school first. I asked him if that was okay with him. Before he left, I asked him if that was enough for him; and both times he said he wasn't ready for that much yet, either, that it was okay. He said 'No pressure' and told me not to worry about it…and I took him at his word. But all of a sudden, I had a long term 'I love you' in writing…and a ring with a promise to wait until I made a decision." She stopped for a breath before she continued. "I know he was trying to be patient and accommodating…"

"But that was its own kind of pressure?" her dad answered with complete understanding.

"Yeah. And I couldn't leave him in limbo like that. I can't imagine not seeing him anymore, but it seemed better than leaving him dangling indefinitely. He should be free to find somebody who's ready to accept everything he is and everything he wants for himself; but right now that isn't me. I feel like I took advantage of all the good things he did for me, all the care he took to make me feel special, and then just walked away…but I didn't realize he was that far ahead of where I am. I must have said I'm sorry about a million times before I ran away. I feel so guilty." She paused for a moment, then said, "I skipped my classes this afternoon and waited in the dorm until I thought both of you would be home. I couldn't do anything but cry anyway."

Kate said nothing. She just kissed her upset child on the forehead and squeezed Castle's arm as he tightened it around his daughter's shoulders. They were all three hurting.

"Honey, I'm not ashamed of you. When you figured it out, you did what you thought was best for someone other than yourself. That's nothing to be ashamed of." He paused, leaned his head against hers, and said, "I know I've always told you that you could talk to me about anything, and I've always meant it...still do. We've handled some pretty heavy girl issues on our own, but you could have told me about breaking up with JD without telling me everything. This isn't the kind of thing you'd usually tell me. What made it so important for me to know?"

"Because I need to know how much I've hurt him without meaning to. You wouldn't know how to answer me if you didn't have all the facts. I hate myself so much right now."

"Do you want the truth, or shall I water it down a little bit for you?"

"The truth."

"When a man falls in love and tells a woman he loves her, it's a big thing, a big risk. It takes a lot of courage; and when the woman runs away from it, it's a hard blow to him. Dejected, rejected, heartbroken, despondent…"

"See? I'm a terrible person."

"Honey, I think JD may see you as his Kate. I think he might really be in love with you. If you don't feel the same way, the kindest thing you could do is to let him get over that and move on."

"I really like him. I might even love him; but I'm not sure, and I'm not ready for all that yet."

"Does this have anything to do with Ashley?"

"No. Yes. Not… It isn't that things ended badly with Ashley. It's…I was ready to go to Stanford and take the same classes he was taking just to be with him, but I wasn't even that interested in those classes. It's more that it made me realize that I was more in love with the idea of being in love,,,and it made me think about my priorities. Right now it's college and classes. JD understood about being a serious student because he is, too, but I didn't realize… I've seen…"

"Some of this is about your grandmother and me, isn't it?"

Alexis looked down again. "I've seen the aftermath of the breakups. You got it right this time, Dad. You and Kate have what I want to have some day, and JD is somebody I can see wanting that, too; but I need more time, and he's ready for it now. I can't keep him waiting for me, and…"

"As long as you're sure."

"Kate, you've been awfully quiet," Alexis said.

"Your dad is doing fine without me," she answered. I'm just providing moral support."

"And really good hot cocoa," Alexis sniffled after finally picking up her mug and taking a sip. "Is it okay if I stay here tonight?"

"Alexis, it's always okay for you to come home. You don't ever need to ask." Kate assured her.

She leaned her head on Kate's shoulder, and Kate stroked her hair. "Why don't you finish your hot chocolate and see if you can get some sleep? We'll even tuck you in if you want," she teased.

Alexis gave her a watery little laugh and said, "I'm way too old for that…but it might actually be kind of nice tonight. I don't love myself too much right now. It would be nice to know somebody does."

Castle kissed her head again. "You know, looking at the gifts the homicide teams gave us for your brother might make you smile a little bit."

"Give me your mugs. I'll warm up the hot chocolate," Kate offered, and she took the mugs to the kitchen. Castle and Alexis met her at the dining table, and they finished their drinks in reasonably comfortable silence, with only a word or two now and then.

As they walked up the stairs, Alexis asked, "Where are the gifts?"

"In the nursery…and kind of spread out around the room," Castle answered.

At the top of the stairs, Alexis went straight to the nursery and laughed at the addition of a soft, stuffed bear in his NYPD dress blues proudly standing guard on the chest of drawers. "He's so cute. How… Oh, there's a little metal prop holding him up. It hides pretty well in his uniform."

"Look at these," her dad said, trying hard to distract her from her earlier thoughts for a while, and they showed her the little clothes and other assorted odds and ends.

"I had no idea you could get so many baby things with an NYPD logo. So adorable. I can't wait to hold him and dress him in some of these," she said, still smiling.

Kate rubbed her back briefly. "Neither can we," she answered. "I'm sure it's much easier to take care of him where he is now, but I'm so ready to see him and hold him." After a pause, she added, "And not being this pregnant anymore wouldn't be a bad thing either."

"I'm going to find some pajamas and take a shower…and try to sleep," Alexis told them.

"You and JD will both be okay eventually. It gets better a little at a time," her dad promised.

"You both took such good care of me." Alexis answered. "Somebody should be taking care of JD, too. His face when he tried to get me to stay and talk it out…" Tears were falling again. "I hope he went to his Granddad. I doubt his parents would be any help at all."

"I hope so, too." Kate hugged her close and kissed her head again, and Castle wrapped his arms around both of them. Then Alexis pulled away, pointed toward her room, and left them in the nursery.

"It hurts to watch her hurt." Kate said, wrapping her arms around her husband's waist.

"You're preaching to the choir, Love." Taking a deep breath, he said, "I knew it would be a rough talk when she called me Daddy. I haven't heard that in a good while." He sighed and put an arm around Kate. "Let's sit down in here. We did promise to tuck her in."

"And you need that as much as she does, don't you?"

He nodded slowly. Then he led her to the rocking chair, pulled her into his lap, and kissed her softly. They sat there for a while as Kate comforted him with soft touches and kisses until Alexis came back, red eyed but no longer crying.

"I'm going to bed," she told them.

They both stood and followed her to her room. With one of them on each side of her bed, they pulled the covers back, and Castle stood aside for Alexis to get in. Then they pulled the covers up to her chin and simultaneously kissed her cheeks.

Alexis gave them a subdued giggle. "Thanks. I have really good parents."

Kate and Castle smiled at each other and both said goodnight to their grown up child before turning out the light and closing the door.

"Tonight was as hard on you as it was on her, wasn't it?" Kate asked as they walked down the stairs hand in hand.

"Yeah. A lot to take in for a dad who raised a girl on his own for most of her life," he answered.

"Then let's get you tucked in now. Whatever you need. Tonight I hold you."

"That's all I need, Kate…just knowing you want to take care of me as much as I want to take care of you."

"Always, Rick. Always." Wrapping her arm around her husband's waist as they walked to their room, she leaned her head against his shoulder and said, "Don't you start second guessing yourself. You said all the things she needed to hear, and she came home to you with this because she knew you would. Alexis and our little boy are both so lucky you're their dad."