171. Chapter 171

Chapter 171

"Mr. and Mrs. Castle." Dr. Burke's office assistant greeted them with a genuine smile. "Not that I'm happy that you're asking for Dr. Burke's services again, but personally, it's always good to see you. The two of you are always a bright spot in my day, even when you don't realize it."

"I don't know how we earned that, but thank you, Barbara. It's good to see you, too," Kate answered.

"It's empty in here today," Castle commented.

"I gave you the early appointment, since your face is better known than most of our patients."

"I appreciate that."

"The doctor is here. He'll be with you in a few minutes."

They barely had time to sit down and for Castle to how Barbara's son did when he tried out for his school's baseball team before Carter Burke was at his office door inviting them in.

"He made it, and he's made a little bit of a name for himself. I can't believe you remembered that from so long ago. Thanks for asking, Mr. Castle," Barbara answered, and Castle gave her a thumb's up as the couple stood and followed Dr. Burke into his office.

"Kate. Rick." Dr. Burke shook both their hands. "I was under the impression that this visit was specifically for Mister Castle. Will Kate be sitting in with us, Rick?"

"Yes. I think I need her here."

"Then both of you have a seat and you can tell me the reason for your visit." Looking at Rick, he said, "I understand you had a difficult experience recently."

Getting right to the point, Castle answered, "I was in the woods and witnessed what I soon discovered was a murder when I was eleven. I didn't realize what was going on until after the killer left. I've always been the curious sort, so I went to see what he had been doing and saw the body. The man returned while I was there, picked me up, slammed me into a tree and threatened me at knife point if I told anybody…but he let me live. This week, I was nearly killed by the same man…knife at my throat again. He's dead. I shot him…six times."

"It was my fault," Kate added, looking down.

"Leaning back in his chair, Dr. Burke said evenly, "Well I can understand how that could bring you here." Neither of his patients were looking at him. "Would this have anything to do with Dr. Holtzman?"

"Everything," Castle answered.

"Kate, Let's start with why you think you're responsible.

"It wasn't supposed to turn out the way it did. According to his office hours, Holtzman should have been at work. It was my idea, even though I knew it was wrong and could cost me my job if anyone found out. And Rick could easily have died because of it." Dr. Burke sat and waited patiently as he had so often done for Kate before. "I had doubted him, in front of our colleagues, when he said he recognized the doctor's voice from so long ago; and he left the precinct disappointed in me. After that, the detectives and I looked farther into both suspects. We found the property belonging to Holtzman and knew could be the center of the two murders we suspected Holtzman committed. But other than Castle's claim to recognize the voice from thirty years ago, there was nothing to tie the doctor to the murders. I told him I couldn't get a warrant on that evidence; and if I went in anyway, the evidence would be inadmissible. But I pointed out that he wasn't a cop."

"She warned me I'd be breaking the law but said she'd back me whatever I decided. I decided I had to stop him. I hadn't been able to do that when I saw him the first time."

"Rick, you were a child then. No one would then or now would expected an eleven year old to stop a murderer," Burke told him, moving his attention briefly away from Kate. "Kate, tell me the rest."

She explained her desire to help Castle resolve his struggles with the childhood experience, his desire to keep her professional reputation intact, and how it turned out. After Holtzman barred the door, I was trapped outside and couldn't get in to help Rick. I nearly got my husband killed," she concluded, tears in her eyes.

"Rick, I'd like to hear your side of the situation."

Castle explained everything, starting from his visit in New Hampshire at age eleven. At the end of his story, he added," And it wasn't Kate's fault. We couldn't have known he would be there. She was willing to take the chance of having to give up her career, but after enough argument, I talked her into planning it out to avoid that. Holtzman said he was going to kill both of us. I couldn't save Kate if I let him kill me; so while I was trying to keep his knife away from my throat again, I stuck my other hand under a broken space at the bottom of the door. She gave me her gun, and I shot him just as I could feel the knife cutting my neck…and kept shooting… Having the state police supervisor hear everything on speaker on Kate's phone may have been what saved me from a murder charge of my own.

Dr. Burke looked at the two of them and said, "Have there been nightmares or flashbacks? Either or both of you?" He received coordinated twin nods as his answer.

"Have you ever had to kill someone before, Rick?" He asked gently, and Castle answered no with a shake of his head.

"It's a heavy burden for most people. That's why police are required to have a psychological evaluation before returning to work after they've had to shoot to kill."

"Not for Holtzman." Castle quoted the doctor's comments about the mask representing the real face of the monster."

"A valid observation," Burke answered. "Tell me how you felt as you began to realize you had found the murderer and then that there was nothing you could do."

"Anger…overwhelming anger." He all but spat the words as he spoke them. "Those women he killed…all the time I spent as I got older, trying to find out who the woman was, the one whose body I found when I was a child…wondering how many others he might have spirited away with no one to know they were missing…remembering the fear when he found me. And all the time he was presenting himself as someone who could help people solve their psychological problems, he was performing his masquerade, biding his time until he could kill again. He even had one of his patients set up as the scapegoat, just in case. On the surface, he looked like the perfect citizen, the perfect family man, but inside his entire soul was evil personified. I'm still angry." He looked down and admitted, "I've wondered if the anger caused me to shoot until the gun was empty or if I really felt that threatened."

Kate reached over and held his hand, and he looked up at her as he squeezed hers in response.

Burke, observed, listened, and wrote before asking, "And how are you handling it?"

"Apparently I spent a day paying less attention to my children than I should, and our four year old son asked Kate if I was angry with him…if he had done something wrong. I don't want to do that again. And I feel a constant need to have Kate close by. I think I must be taking every spare minute she has…as if a full time job and two small children aren't enough. It isn't good for either of us for me to be that dependent, but she's my rock…the person I'll count on as long as we're in the world together; and right now, I need her."

"And you, Kate?"

"I need him just as much, and for the same reasons. He's been that rock for me for a long time, and I haven't felt smothered or taken advantage of because of all this. I need to be close to him, too. Our family came too close to losing him this week. I don't even like to think I'll eventually lose him to old age. The thought of losing him because of my own stupidity is…" She stopped and took a deep breath before continuing. "When I couldn't get to him, I was terrified."

"Have you done anything to address the problem?"

"We've acknowledged it," Castle told him. "And we're taking a short trip after my birthday this weekend to have some time alone…and away from the publicity about the case…and the daily pressures of family."

"Where will you be?"

"My father's cabin," Kate answered. "It's a wooded area upstate…lakefront. It's peaceful, and relatively secluded."

"Will the woods be a problem for you, Rick?"

"We have a plan B if it is. The trip was originally planned because we hadn't had time alone since before our daughter was conceived, but now I think we both see it as therapeutic."

"Does your family know all of what happened?"

"We haven't sat them down and told them the entire story, but we intend to before we leave."

"You'll need to do that. I've seen in the past that you and Kate have an extraordinary support system. They need to know where things stand before they can help. And your children? Where will they be?"

"We have enough family willing to be with our children while we're gone…and friends who would be willing to help if necessary. Friends who are like extended family. We intend to talk to family before we leave on Sunday."

Burke nodded. "We need to discuss a few possible means of coping with the issues you've mentioned; and Rick, I think it was a wise decision to have Kate sit in on this first session. It seems to be an issue for both of you…built on the same problem but from different perspectives. Make another joint appointment for sometime next week and we'll see how you're progressing, and probably follow up with individual sessions. Right now, we're going to talk about some strategies for working through this."

At the end of the session, they had a few ideas to work with and both felt somewhat better for having been able to talk to someone else objectively. They stopped for coffee before Beckett took a taxi to work and Castle took his car and went home. Martha was at work, but John had offered to stay with Jo.

When Castle opened the door, John and Jo were on the sofa. He was holding her up as she stood on his legs. He'd make a noise when he nuzzled the top of his head on her tummy; and when he looked up at her, they would both laugh as she bounced up and down. Then he would lift her over his head and put her back down to do it over again.

Castle laughed. Well it looks like everybody is happy.

"Hey," John answered with a big smile. "She was happy with me talking to her now and then while she was in her little swing until about half an hour ago, then we walked and had a conversation for a while. We've been getting along just fine. She's such a sweetheart."

Castle sat down beside them and held out his arms. "Come to daddy." Jo leaned toward her father, and John picked her up, kissed her head, and handed her to Castle.

"How's my little girl," he asked. "Daddy's glad to see you." Turning to John, he said, "This is about when we usually get back from taking Jamie to school. She's usually ready for a nap about now." Standing with his baby girl, he asked John, "Want some coffee? I could use some company if you have time."

"Sure. Coffee sounds good. And I'd be rattling around next door all by myself today anyway. No writing this morning?"

"Can't get my mind to settle in one place that long."

"Something to do with that case with the doctor?"

"Yeah. It's giving me a hard time. It's been a rough week."

"Just from what I know, I can't imagine it wouldn't be."

"I know I need to talk to Mother, but I'm having a hard time with that, too. There are going to be a few things she's going to have a lot of trouble with. I hate seeing that look of shock and worry on her face."

"Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to tell her?"

"No. I think she needs to be sitting in front of me knowing I'm okay when she hears it. Just be there after I talk to her. She and I give each a little trouble sometimes…maybe often, but we were the only ones in my family for about half of my life; and I know what kind of sacrifices she made to have me…and keep me. She had to tolerate a lot of negativity, but she didn't let it stop her. I love her more than I can ever put into words, and I hate hurting her."

"She knows you love her, and I'm pretty sure she'd have taken that doctor down herself if she'd been there. I don't know how, but I don't doubt that she would have found a way."

Castle chortled imagining that and answered, "It wouldn't surprise me. She always taught me to stand up for myself, but she had some mama bear moments, too."

"You are going to tell me about those, aren't you?"

"Let me get Jo settled for her nap first." While he talked with John, he also talked softly to Jo as he started the coffee. When Castle picked her up, she was still excitable after John's silliness; but it wasn't long after he had situated her against his chest that she grabbed his shirt and snuggled close, melting into him, a sure sign that she was on the edge of sleep. He walked around with her as he carefully reached for coffee mugs. "I think I can have her in bed by the time the coffee has brewed. I won't be long." He took his baby girl upstairs and tucked her in; and when he returned, John had mugs of coffee ready for them.

"So…Martha's mama bear moments?" John prompted.

The two men laughed as Castle told him about several of them. "But my favorite story happened right after my sixth birthday. We were at the park one afternoon when she had a rare day off, and I started playing with another little boy my age. He was friendly and smiling, and we were about to race to the top of the jungle gym when his mother came over, grabbed my arm, and yanked me off the jungle gym and away from him. She yelled, 'Get away from my son! I won't have him playing with somebody's little bastard.' There were a couple of other mothers there who saw what had happened, too, and Mother got right up in the woman's face, with every ounce of her stage presence. She calmly said, loud enough the other mothers could hear, 'You do realize don't you, that there are three witnesses to the fact that you just physically and verbally assaulted a six year old boy for something he has absolutely no control over. And just to be clear, I don't want my child playing with someone who has an abusive mother. I could call the police right now and have you arrested. And I assure you, if this ever happens again, my child won't be the only victim of an assault.' Then she took me to get ice cream. And the other two mothers applauded as we left. Quite a moment for the mid-seventies."

"And how did that affect you?"

"It's definitely easier to tell the story now than it was to experience it when it happened. We didn't exactly live in a rough neighborhood, but it wasn't exactly a great one, either. But even in a less than perfect neighborhood, a lot of people were judgmental about standard expectations then. It wasn't the first time that another woman had removed her child from playing with me, but it was always more subtle. Until then, I had spent most of my time with Mother's friends and their children. The theater folks were generally much more forgiving about such things, so I hadn't been aware of the reasons. I always loved words, though, and I heard some new ones that day. Mother explained them to me that night when I asked questions, and I learned the words witness, verbal and physical assault, victim…and bastard, which she told me wasn't a word I should say." He was quiet for a long moment, "That took a lot of thinking for a six year old. I didn't understand it entirely then, but I understood that it somehow set me apart from the other kids."

"I'm sorry either of you had to deal with that," John sympathized. "I'm glad you finally had a chance to meet your father, and I'm glad Martha had an explanation…but I kind of hate him, too.

"If he's to be believed, and I think I believe him, Mother and I know now that it wasn't intentional. But it doesn't make the rough memories any easier." Shaking off the old hurts, he said, "It's all water under the bridge, though. I have the family I always wanted now."

"And you have two men who are proud to call you son."

"Your son was lucky to have you."

"Well, he didn't act like it, did he? Took advantage of his own son's money and just left for Europe…never looked back. I don't think he's initiated a single contact with JD since he left with that worthless wife of his. I always thought I'd raise a son who'd turn out more like you. You know, when that man ran his car up on the sidewalk and hit me,..that was the luckiest day of my life."

Castle leaned back and turned toward John, finishing his coffee and putting the cup on the end table. "I think your definition of luck is a little different from mine."

John chuckled. "JD had really missed Alexis after they broke up, and I had loved that girl almost like she was mine. That broken leg and the aches and pains that went with it got them back together, and it gave me an in to be around Martha a little more often. When JD called you for backup, it was because he didn't have anybody else. And you were right there, and brought Kate with you, and let Alexis know. When he needed it most, you took care of the only family I had left, and then you and Kate took care of me. I doubt my son would have done half as much as you did, even before I found out what he had done. So I have the family I always wanted now, too. Like it or not, Boy, I'm your stepfather. You may have started with just your mother, but you have two parents now."

Castle smiled. "I can live with that. Want another cup of coffee?" he asked, standing and picking up the mugs from the table.

"Sounds good. When do you have to leave to pick Jamie up?"

"About half an hour. Jo should be waking up any time now."

"Mind if I tag along? I could use some fresh air."

"Jamie will be thrilled. We can stop for lunch on the way home."

"Is it okay for me to come over tonight and talk to Mother about what happened? You can be there, too. I just don't want Jamie to overhear any of it. Kate said she'd talk to her father."

"I think that would be good idea. What time?" Both of you have a bent toward a good dramatic story, and I can tell she's been thinking about it. Not knowing exactly what happened, I'm sure Martha has run a variety of traumas through that creative brain of hers. We'll be looking for you."

That night before putting the children to bed, Castle talked his mother through what had happened; and she cried, putting her arms comfortingly around his neck and shedding silent tears at the thought of what he'd had to do and how much she knew it would affect him.

"I hate making you cry. But I don't think there's any way I could tell you the truth this time and avoid it. He held her and kissed her forehead as John stood back and allowed them their moment, and he looked as if he shared the pain with both of them.

"How did it go?" Kate asked when he returned.

"I made my mother cry. But I explained it all…from the New Hampshire trip when I was eleven through the time at the barn. She knows about the community service, too…and was incensed that after finding the evidence to uncover a serial murderer, they would punish me at all. I had to point out that, before I left, I borrowed Eduardo's bolt cutters to break in and was trespassing on private property. It was pretty obvious to the judge that I was attempting to play the system, trying to make inadmissible evidence admissible because it was discovered while the police were investigating another crime…mine. I think Mother understood that the judge didn't take kindly to that. I'm not sure I convinced him you didn't know what I was planning, but he couldn't prove otherwise. At least he was sympathetic to the threat to my life…and yours. It's just… Nobody was supposed to die."

Kate did her best to enfold his much larger frame into her arms. "I know, Love. I know."

"I don't want to dwell on this any longer tonight. Where are the kids?

"They're bathed and in their pajamas and playing in the study."

"Let's get them to bed…maybe rock them and read again? I need some of their light."

xxxxx

The following night, the family got together for Castle's birthday, and one of his gifts was the remote controlled Range Rover he had asked for. Jo was fascinated with the big, red thing that was running around the floor, and Jamie was thrilled when Castle showed him how to use the controller. So were the other members of the Castle household, all of them taking their turns. They even convinced Martha to give it a try, and she surprised them with much more skill than they had expected.

"Well, he didn't have a father," she said. "Who do you think was there to teach him to do things like this?"

Kate and Rick talked to Jamie about their trip and put an April calendar on the fridge with the dates outlined in red. There was a red crayon on the counter close by for marking off the days and a circle around Wednesday. "We'll pick you up from school on the day with the circle," Kate promised him.

"Why can't you take Jo and me?" Jamie pouted.

"We'll take you and Jo next time. Promise," Castle told him. "Now, do you want to try driving this truck again?"

The pout was over then in favor of allowing his father to help him with the controller.

xxxxx

After breakfast on Sunday morning, the adult Castles were on their way to the Beckett cabin a couple of hour's drive upstate, and they took advantage of their available freedom to stop for coffee without having to move children and deal with car seats, etc. They took their time and lingered over coffee and cinnamon buns, holding hands and touching arms, and carrying on a conversation with their eyes…talking about being in love.

When they navigated the gravel drive through the trees and the cabin came into view, Castle was enchanted. It had a rustic look about it, but it was well maintained and a little bigger than he had expected…and even better, the inside of it would offer up Little Katie Beckett artifacts.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"I like it. You were right. It does feel peaceful here. Come on. You can give me the grand tour and we can come back out and put that front porch swing to good use. I haven't been on one of those in so long."

"Wait 'til you see the lake. Even more peaceful."

"Let's go put our bags in our room and you can show me around." With his half smile he added, "I'll explore young Katie Beckett world later…get the lay of the land first and then go for the hard core nosiness."

"You're a lost cause, Castle."

"And you love me anyway."

"Yes, I do," she admitted easily.

The bags were taken into the house, and she stopped in a little corner near the top of the stairs to put their bags down and show Castle the second floor. "This is the guest room and the guest bathroom. This is the master bedroom and bath. And this is our room. She went back to get her bag, but Castle already had both. He put them down in their room, and he chuckled. "I can see why you didn't buy a king sized bed."

"Yeah. This one at least allowed me one bedside table and room to open the closet door."

"And the bathroom door?"

"Uh-huh. Those two doors are important."

Castle took time to look around at the walls and the small desk next to the dresser and then spotted a couple of posters on one wall. "Oh, posters. Nirvana?"

"Yeah. I won't defend it. I was finishing eighth grade and toying with grunge rock."

"Pearl Jam? Oooo, and the first Lollapalooza? Did you go?"

"No I was in junior high, so there was no way my parents were letting me go with a friend, and I wasn't about to go with my parents…even if I could have talked them into it. Dad got a college kid who was interning in his office to get the poster for me when he went. He was at the top of my favorite parent list for three whole weeks."

"What caused his fall from grace?" he asked with the little lopsided smile he knew she loved.

"Sue Westerman was having a party I wanted to go to. He asked if her parents would be there, and I said I didn't know. He said since I knew that's the first question he and Mom would ask, he knew that translated as a no. So that was the answer to going to the party. That made for a quick slide down the favorite parent scale. I knew her parents wouldn't be there, and I just wanted to see what that would be like. I wasn't really looking for trouble. That was back when I still listened, so I stayed in my room and pouted and refused to talk to Dad for two days."

"Ouch."

"I did get to a Lollapalooza a few years later, though. Maddie and I and a couple of guys sneaked out and went to one my junior year in high school. I got caught when I got home and was grounded for a month, but it was so worth it. While Maddie and I were both grounded, we were on the phone planning our next adventure."

"I'm so glad you weren't my child. You're not going to tell Jo about any of this, are you?"

"Are you kidding? I have to live with her, too. I don't need to give her any unnecessary ideas. Jamie has turned out to be pretty even tempered and easy to get along with so far. Maybe your daddy skills will outweigh my wild child spell."

"From your lips to God's ears."

"We came here to get away from some of the stress, not create more. Come on. I'll show you around downstairs. You can see the lake from the living room window." She took his hand and led him down the stairs, and he was immediately drawn to the window. "It's beautiful," he said softly. "We'll have to bring the kids here when Jo is old enough to enjoy it."

"Dad has mentioned bringing Jamie and teaching him to fish," she mentioned.

"Jamie would love that. Just having that much Granddaddy time would make him happy."

"Why don't we go into town for lunch and pick up some groceries, things that don't take a lot of effort to make?" she suggested. "Then we don't have to go out again unless we just want to. I like having options."

"Me, too. And the local grapevine will be properly informed."

"It's a very small town. That should take all of about fifteen minutes. There's a little diner that's the information center, so we'll be in the news cycle right away; but the good news is that the food is delicious."

"Then let's go. I'll get to the serious snooping when we get back."