73. Chapter 73

Chapter Seventy-Three

Jessica didn't have time to read Billy's letter when she got home because she had to get ready for work, but she did have time to open her mom's gift for her. Her mom had gotten her a huge set of things she could use in the shower or when she took a bath. There were a few sponges, shampoo and conditioner, soap – all lavender to promote relaxation – and there was even lotion to put on after getting out of the tub.

Jessica actually really liked the gift as she loved enjoying a bath whenever she could – though she liked Steve's tub better because it was bigger. She would be able to use them over Spring break.

Work went by as it normally did, not super busy because it was a week day, and she was able to get home by 9:30. She said hi to her mom and to Dustin, who were both in front of the TV, and went up to her room so she could finally read whatever Billy had given her.

The envelope wasn't sealed, but the top was tucked into it, so she pulled it out and then removed the letter. It was written on paper that had no lines and it was folded into three parts.

She rolled her eyes when she saw that Billy had started with:

"Hey, Jess,

I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to do this, but I'm writing this because . . . well, you're not talking to me, and I'm not sure if you want me talking to you."

She wasn't sure she wanted him talking to her either.

"Max told me I needed to apologize and then give you space, let you come to me, so that's what I'm doing. (I know, I'm shocked I'm listening to her, too.)"

Jessica couldn't help the small laugh that escaped because whether Billy was a jerk about it or not, he sometimes knew her almost too well. She was shocked that Billy would ever consider taking advice from Max.

"I am sorry. For the fight and everything that happened after. I definitely didn't like Harrington saying that you only talk to me because you feel sorry for me. I reacted without thinking like I normally do, and I'm sorry for that too.

"You have to know that I never meant to go after you. I didn't even know it was you at first. I just felt something hit me and I reacted. I already had bruises there from Neil and it just made me angry that I was being hit there again.

"I only realized it was you when I'd backed you against the lockers. I saw you and I saw how scared you were and I hated myself for making you that way.

"So . . . this is me apologizing and probably sucking at it. I would love it if you'd talk to me again, but I understand if you don't want to, and I'll leave you alone if that's what you want me to do.

"Hope you had a good birthday, Princess.

Billy

Jessica had no clue how she was supposed to feel about Billy's letter. She was glad he'd apologized and she was glad she had an explanation for why he'd gone after her, but she still wasn't sure what she was supposed to do about him.

She had to admit that when he wasn't being a jerk, she did like talking to him. But he usually ruined their conversations by becoming a jerk in the middle of them. He had a serious issue with boundaries that he would have to work on if he wanted any type of friendship between them to be possible. Not to mention the anger issues and randomly snapping at people in a violent way.

She decided to just forget about it for the night. She had homework to do, so she put the letter aside – in the drawer in her bedside table – and got to it.

When Jessica woke up the next morning she was surprised to see that her room was darker than it normally was in the morning. She found out why when she got up. The sky was gray – a normal occurrence in Hawkins in the spring. It was probably going to rain that day. She made a mental note to grab an umbrella from the closet downstairs as she got ready for the day.

Once downstairs she offered Dustin a ride since it looked like it was going to rain, but he still wanted to ride his bike, so she left shortly after that. He had a rain jacket, so he would be fine.

Steve was waiting for her, as he usually was when she got to school, but they didn't automatically start walking inside this time because she wrapped her arms around him and just stood there with him for a minute.

"I missed you too," he said, huffing out a laugh or two.

"I wanted to call you last night, but when I got done with everything it was – it was late and I didn't want to risk waking you up."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," she said, nodding against his chest before looking up at him. "I just read Billy's letter last night and wanted to tell you about it. It was basically him apologizing and saying he'd leave me alone if I wanted him to."

"Hm." Steve was quiet for a few seconds and then, "And . . . do you want him to . . . leave you alone?"

"If he's gonna do things like that, yes," Jessica said. "If he can learn to behave like a normal human being, then . . . I'll talk to him again."

"Good luck with that. He's kind of a psychopath."

Jessica didn't talk to Billy right away when she went into her English class, but she could tell that he was waiting for a reaction from her. He was probably wondering whether or not she had read his letter.

She decided to make him suffer for the forty-five minutes they were in first period together. He deserved at least that much. But when class ended, she made sure he didn't leave right away.

"Billy?"

He had gotten up and grabbed his over-the-shoulder bag, obviously intent on making his way out of the room. He stopped when she said his name, though. The look he gave her was what she would describe as cautious, which wasn't a look he normally had on his face.

"Jess?"

"For the record, I never talked to you or . . . any of it . . . because I felt sorry for you. Steve shouldn't have said that. Both of you said things that shouldn't have been said."

"I can get behind that."

"Good. Admitting when you're wrong and apologizing for it goes a long way with me, but changed behavior has to come with it or it doesn't mean anything."

"I . . . Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." They walked out of the room together. "Max said it was your birthday tomorrow. Are you doing anything?"

"Not really."

Jessica remembered Max saying that Neil didn't really celebrate birthdays. She also remembered Billy saying that Neil didn't really celebrate Christmas either and had only done it the previous year because of Max and her mom. It made her wonder if Neil and Billy ever celebrated anything together.

"I get off of work at nine tomorrow night. If you meet me at the theater, we can go get milkshakes. My treat."

Billy gave her a sideways glance. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think we need to talk anyway. Like . . . really talk. And you really need to listen."

"I'll meet you outside the theater then."

"Great."

Now she just had to convince Steve that it was okay for her to meet up with Billy without anyone else around.

Needless to say, Steve was not happy when he found out what Jessica had planned.

He'd met her at the entrance to the cafeteria for lunch, as he normally did. She had taken to walking with Robin to the cafeteria, but the girl would leave before they reached him, so he never actually got to talk to her. Jessica said she ate lunch in the band room with the other band members.

"She does know she can sit with us, right?"

"She's aware. I gave her an open invitation."

It wasn't until they were in line to get their lunch that Jessica brought up wanting to meet Billy for milkshakes after work the next day. His initial response was, "Why?"

"Well, I want to talk to him about his letter and I don't have time to do that in school. I would do it today, but you and I are going to study for that Shakespeare quiz we're having tomorrow, so . . ."

"Yeah, but you have to go for milkshakes to do that?"

"I mean, he's not allowed at the house so . . ." Jessica shrugged as she grabbed a chocolate milk and a plate of fries. "Besides, it's his birthday and Max said that Neil never does anything for it, and no one deserves that. I . . . I think I'm the only real – sort of – friend he has here, and I don't want him alone on his birthday."

Steve sighed and shook his head even as warmth filled him at her obvious compassion for other people – even if it was Billy Hargrove.

"You're too good to people sometimes, you know that?"

She squinted her eyes at him. "That's still one of your favorite things about me, though, right?"

"Very much so," Steve admitted, leaning closer to kiss the side of her head. "Just . . . be careful."

"I promise. And I'll call you when I get home."

As planned, Steve and Jessica went to her house to study that day. To be honest, Jessica wasn't sure what the quiz was going to be about because she had pretty much lost the point of the plot of the play. She knew it was supposed to have been a comedy, but it was kind of annoying that the main girl was chasing this guy who so obviously didn't want her. She went through so many hoops just to get the guy and it had her shaking her head at the poor girl. She did end up getting the guy, though, even if she had been deceitful in doing so.

They mostly just talked about what they'd gotten from the play and hoped it was enough.

The quiz ended up being mostly multiple choice with a few short answer questions. She knew that she shouldn't, because it was technically cheating, but she decided she would at least tell Steve the short answer questions so he could think about them before he had to take the quiz. She would not, however, tell him what to write.

At the end of first period, Billy checked in to make sure she still wanted him to meet her after her shift, which she did. She was touched that he'd even asked, but she also remembered Max telling her a while back that Billy was usually nicer when he'd done something that was considered messed up.

Wanting to meet up with Billy after work didn't stop her from being a little nervous about it. It also didn't stop her from having to take a deep breath when she walked out of the theater that night only to see Billy parked outside of it. He was leaning against his car, waiting for her. He was in his leather jacket, white shirt, blue jeans, biker boots. Typical Billy clothes. He was also smoking a cigarette, which she asked him to put out when she reached him.

"We're outside," Billy said.

"They still stink. Anyway, did you want to ride with me or follow me? Because there's no way I'm letting you take me anywhere. You still drive like a crazy person."

"There's still nothing wrong with my driving, Princess." He took a long drag from his cigarette before blowing smoke out of his mouth, noticeably away from her, and tossing it to the ground to stomp it out. "I'll follow you. Just don't drive like an old lady."

"I don't drive like an old lady. I obey the laws of the road."

Jessica was relieved to see that their banter was still in place. They wouldn't be Jessica and Billy without their banter. She just hoped neither of them would mess it up by doing something to make things awkward.

Billy followed Jessica for about five minutes before they pulled up to a familiar diner – the only one in Hawkins that was open until midnight – and parked side-by-side. They walked in together and picked a booth in the middle of the room.

A woman who appeared to be in her sixties came to their table and placed two menus down, one in front of each of them.

"Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Uh, I already know what I want," Jessica said.

"Chocolate shake and a basket of fries?" the woman asked, giving Jessica a fond smile.

"Yes, please," she answered and smiled.

Billy realized that Jessica must frequent the diner often if the staff knew her order by heart.

Billy ordered a strawberry milkshake since that was originally what they were supposed to be getting, and the waitress said she'd be back shortly with their order.

"So . . . you said you wanted to talk."

"I do."

"Okay . . ."

"I'm – I'm trying to figure out where to start."

"Well, things started going downhill when – when I kissed you."

"Yeah . . . That's fair."

"I'm –" Billy inhaled deeply before letting it out. "I don't want you to be afraid of me."

"I know," she said softly. "I know that. But Billy, you have to remember that I don't have only good memories of you. You can be cool and funny and even sweet . . . to me, anyway – but you can also be mean and violent and impulsive, and those are the parts that scare me."

Billy didn't say anything to that because the waitress came and put their shakes and the fries on the table. Jessica put the fries in the middle and gestured for him to have some. She picked one up, even though Billy could tell they were hot to the touch, and then proceeded to dip the fry into her chocolate shake before popping it in her mouth.

Billy almost choked. "That's – that's disgusting."

"Have you ever tried it?"

"No."

Jessica shook her head and grabbed another fry to dip in the shake. This time she didn't put it in her mouth; she offered it to him. He rolled his eyes, but opened his mouth anyway. He bit off the end with the chocolate on it and chewed carefully.

"Okay, it's – it's not terrible."

She smiled triumphantly before putting the rest of the fry in her own mouth. She sobered quickly, however.

"I, uh . . . I think I should start at the beginning. I think you'll understand my feelings more if I do it that way."

"That's fair."

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "I don't have to tell you what happened in November because you were there, but . . . what happened after. Steve was sick for days, and in pain, and his cheekbone had a hairline fracture. You almost broke his nose, and he still gets migraines from the concussion you gave him.

"I had – I had nightmares for a few weeks. Some of them were about you not stopping. You didn't stop and Steve actually died. Some of them were about Steve not even being there and you came after me or one of the kids. And then I'd have to sit beside you in class."

"I didn't know."

Billy remembered she had asked him what would have happened if Steve hadn't been there, though, and now he wondered if her nightmares had caused her to ask him that.

"Getting to know you and becoming sort of friends with you helped the nightmares go away. But getting close to you kind of gave you the wrong idea, I think, if the kiss was anything to go by."

"Jess –"

"I'm not done. I, uh –"

She bit her lip and Billy watched her wince as a piece of skin pulled away. He wanted to reach over and soothe it with his thumb, but knew he couldn't.

"I care about you," she admitted. "That doesn't mean that I want to be with you. Okay? I like to do things for the people I care about. You know, like . . . when I saw the Metallica tape, I thought about you so I bought it for you. I probably would have done that even if it hadn't been Christmas. When Max said you liked tacos that one time you were coming over for the assignment, I figured that would be a good thing to fix since you were coming over anyway. I just . . . that's how I show I care. I don't do it just with you.

"I need to know I can do those things – be myself – without you taking it the wrong way."

"I – okay. I'm just not used to people doing nice things without wanting something in return. And I'm not used to girls paying attention to me without –"

"Without wanting to be with you?"

"Yeah."

"That sucks. I mean, you do run around with your shirt half unbuttoned and all, so it's not like you're not seeking attention, but it still sucks that the only attention you get is from girls objectifying you."

Billy sent her a playful smirk. "And you don't? Not even a little?"

Jessica shook her head and scoffed. "I think you have beautiful blue eyes. And your smile is amazing when it's real. But I've never looked at you . . . in that way. I've already told you I've never looked at anybody other than Steve that way. I don't know if I can. I mean, I was with Steve for a few months before I started feeling that way even for him. I – I had loved him for a while before we started dating, but love doesn't automatically lead to sex with me, so . . ."

Billy grinned when Jessica's cheeks went pink when she realized what she'd said.

"I can't believe I'm talking to you about this."

"You said you wanted me to understand your feelings."

"Right." She huffed. "I do. My feelings . . . Okay . . . to put it simply, I want to be able to be there for you like I would be there for my other friends. You know, like talk to you and not have to watch what I say or overanalyze what you say. I want to be able to comfort you when you're having a bad day and not worry about you thinking about kissing me because of it. I want to be able to hug you – because God knows you need one – without wondering if you're thinking about feeling me up when I'm doing it. But . . . I also don't want to do those things if – if it's hard for you when I do those things. I don't want you to think I'm leading you on in any way."

"You've – you've never led me on," Billy said.

"You made me feel like I was."

"Hm. Can we chalk that up to me being an ass?"

She smiled and something unclenched in Billy's chest.

"I mean, you definitely are one."

Billy allowed himself a small huff of laughter before putting the straw in his mouth to drink some of his milkshake.

"I was worried about you the week you were at home. I don't know if Max told you, but I checked in with her."

"You did?"

"Yeah, of course. I mean . . . 'cause of . . . Neil, ya know?"

"Right."

Billy was not used to that, not used to someone actually caring about what was going on at his house. Even in California he'd never let himself become close enough with someone for them to actually notice that something might not be entirely right about him coming to school with bruises that so obviously weren't from fights. Even the teachers couldn't be bothered to notice or didn't care if they did notice. No one ever reported it like they were supposed to.

"Well, nothing happened. I avoided him when I could." Jessica looked like she was going to say something, but he stopped her before she could. "Look, Jess, I'm not – I'm not good at this, this friendship stuff."

"I noticed."

He sent a glare her way but continued speaking anyway.

"But I don't want to not be friends with you – or I don't want you to not be friends with me, or whatever. I didn't like not being able to talk to you in class this week. I mean, even though you're usually just giving me crap about stuff, I – I still missed you talking to me."

"You definitely make class more interesting," Jessica admitted. "And I like talking to you when you're not being a jerk."

"It's . . . I'm working on it."

Billy and Jessica were done with their shakes and their conversation by ten and Jessica really needed to get home so she could call Steve. He was probably worrying himself to death because she hadn't gotten in touch with him yet.

When they reached their cars Billy paused at his own and said her name. She turned to look at him.

"Thanks," he said quietly, "for talking to me again and not just writing me off. I think you're the only person in my life who's never given up on me."

"I – of course. But you don't get unlimited chances. Okay? It's not fair to me – or Steve – if I do that."

"I understand that, but Harrington gets under my skin."

"Well, you get under his too. What do you think the fight was about?"

"Uh . . . you."

"Okay . . . partly, but the other part was because you guys can't control your own egos when you're around each other. Also, you don't know how to walk away from a fight."

Billy didn't answer, but he did nod in agreement. He couldn't have honestly denied that if he'd wanted to.

"Anyway, I have to go before Steve sends out a search party for me." She smiled softly. "Don't get in trouble over Spring break."

"No promises."

She rolled her eyes before getting into her car and heading home.

Her mom was waiting for her when she got there. Jessica was usually home by nine-thirty when she worked, so her mom was probably wondering where she'd been. Jessica couldn't tell her mom that she'd stopped to have milkshakes with Billy, but she did say she went to get a milkshake.

She called Steve when she got to her room and he picked up quickly, as if he'd been waiting by the phone.

"Hey," she said. "I'm home. Safe and sound."

She heard a huff of laughter, and then, "Good."

"I told you I'd be fine."

"Yeah, you did," he said fondly. "I'll see you tomorrow around noon."

Everyone was supposed to meet at the quarry at three, but they couldn't do cake and ice cream there without the ice cream melting, so they were having dessert before going to the quarry for an early dinner.

"See you then." She bit back a yawn before saying, "Love you, Steve."

"Love you too, Jess."