Chapter 79

This morning everyone is supposed to gather in the board room for another meeting, but I have a ultrasound scheduled so I had Meredith texting me the information, while Jackson and I are at the appointment. After I told Jackson that I was pregnant last night, of course he was shocked, but we both agree that focusing on our baby is our main priority right now.

"And there you go. See, right there? That's your baby." The O.B. says pointing to the screen as she gives me the ultrasound. I honestly can't look at the screen right now, not yet. I mean I've accepted that I'm pregnant and I want this baby, but I have my reasons for being standoffish about getting attached to the idea of being a mother.

"I'm sorry, was this not the idea?" She asks Jackson and I as we remain silent.

"Uh, well sure." Jackson says. I can tell he's nervous about the fact that I'm really pregnant and we're having a baby, well we both are.

"Are you looking to terminate?" She asks.

"No, no." Jackson and I both say in unison.

"Okay, then. Well get dressed and meet me in my office." She smiles handing me the ultrasound picture before she leaves.

"Here." I say handing the picture to Jackson as I sit up. "You don't want to terminate, right?" I ask as I get dressed.

"No, of course not. I want us to be happy about this."

"I am happy." I sigh.

"You don't seem like it. You didn't look at the screen the whole time that you were getting the ultrasound done and you didn't even glance at the picture when the doctor handed it you." He says.

"Jackson, I know how I feel. I'm happy, okay?" I say before we leave to go meet the doctor in her office. After we finish meeting with her, I leave for my first surgery of the day. I have to clip an aneurysm, which is my all time favorite type of surgery. I've always loved clipping aneurysms, even when I was a resident. All of the other residents were always scared to perform that surgery, but I was the first to volunteer for it. Clipping an aneurysm is complex, it's like walking in a minefield. One wrong move messes everything up. I get my patient prepped for surgery before taking him to the O.R. and scrubbing in. Derek's sister Amelia is here today and they're doing this big operation on conjoined twins, and all of the interns are on their service, so luckily I don't have to deal with them disturbing my O.R. and I can just zone everything out and focus on my surgery, which I really need to do considering everything that's going on in my life. The surgery takes 6 hours and once I finish I take my patient to recovery then I go to the cafeteria for lunch.

"Hey." Jackson says sitting at the table with me as I eat.

"Hey." I say chewing on my sandwich.

"How are you feeling?" He asks as he begins eating.

"Fine." I say.

"So I was wondering, have you started thinking about names for the baby yet?"

"No, I'm only 7 weeks. It's to early to start planning names." I shrug.

"Liliana, can you at least pretend to be happy that we're having a baby together. I know we have some things to work out, but at the end of the day we're going to be parents. Aren't you the least bit excited?" He asks.

"I am excited, just because I'm not as expressive as you doesn't mean I'm not. You're making an assumption." I say.

"We can just drop it. I'm sorry for even bringing it up." He sighs.

"No, I'm sorry. You were just trying to talk about our baby and I snapped at you for no reason. I'm just hormonal and irritable and stressed." I sigh.

"No, it's fine. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"So how has your day been?" I ask changing the subject.

"Horrible. It turns out that the only reason Cristina didn't win the award is because the hospital is owned by the foundation, so it would look bias for one of our doctors to win the award and of course everyone blames me for it since I'm an Avery, especially Richard." He says. Meredith text me earlier and filled me in on why Cristina didn't win the award. I never really thought about the fact that the foundation owning the hospital would prevent any of the employees from winning an Harper Avery. I guess I never really gave it a thought, since my chances of winning a Harper Avery went out the window the day Jackson and I got married, not that I really cared because I love Jackson much more than the idea of winning some award.

"It isn't your fault. No one can blame you for what the foundation decided. You didn't know about it." I say. Even though Jackson and I aren't in the best place, I won't approve of anyone treating him badly or unfairly, especially for something that's not his fault.

"I know, but I guess that's just part of my family owning the hospital." He sighs.

"Yeah, I have to go."!I sigh as my pager goes off before I leave to get my patient prepped and take her to the O.R. then I scrub in to begin the surgery. Being in the O.R. gave me hours of well needed peace from everything that's going on in my personal life. I know this pregnancy is supposed to be a happy moment, but honestly I can't let myself be happy about it yet and it's not just because of the disagreements Jackson and I have been having. Even though I hate that we haven't been able to agree on pretty much anything regarding how we're going to raise our child. I know that we'll figure it out, but honestly the fear I have of having another miscarriage is why I'm being so closed off. I don't want to get excited about raising a child just to lose it, so I decided the best thing for me to do is to shut down and try to block my emotions out, something I know how to do all to well.

I continue operating on my patient and once I finish I take her to recovery then I eat a quick snack before I head to the gallery to watch Derek's surgery even though I'd really like to get some sleep since I'm tired and nauseous. Morning sickness is nothing like I expected. I always assumed it would be waking up in the morning and throwing up once or twice then I'd feel fine for the rest of the day, but it wasn't anything like that. Most of the time I don't even get sick or nauseous until night time, which makes it really hard to sleep and it isn't just briefly feeling nauseous, I normally feel sick for hours or all night at times. I'm really relieved that Jackson knows I'm pregnant, because it was getting impossible to hide my pregnancy symptoms.

"How's the surgery going?" I ask taking a seat beside Jackson.

"It's going great so far." He says.

"So, where is Yang on the appeal?" Webber asks walking into the gallery and taking a seat. Some of the board members are trying to get Cristina to file an appeal against the foundation for unfairly losing the award, but she hasn't made a decision yet.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since she left." Meredith says.

"Well where is she?" He asks.

"Visiting a hospital in Switzerland." I answer.

"She's what?" Richard frowns making us all stare at him because of how angry he sounded. "Is she looking for another job?" He asks. "See what you did? You're going to lose the good ones one by one." He says turning to Jackson.

"She just went to go give a talk." Meredith says.

"I hope your happy. Thanks to you and your mother, pretty soon the only doctors working here will be you and Knox." He says scolding Jackson.